my aspergers dd. how could they??

(29 Posts)
Gottabbrave Wed 12-Dec-12 21:29:52

My dd is 11 she started secondary last september. I had such high hopes for her. Now im not so sure.
For as long as i can remember she has suffered bullying of every kind from her classmates and its getting worse.
She is well above her years in intelligence and has asperations to be a civil engineer like her dad . Unfortunately she is also socially immature which is her downfall. She is constantly being verbally abused swore at pushed name calling. This is on a daily basis. The school are taking steps but the kids have threatened to beat her up if she tells so i am her one friend in this horrid situation and apart from expelling the main 3 culprets, i fear that realistically all i can say is she needs to have a very thick skin . Easier said than done .
I have to send her there every day,
im not sure if i have a question to you all or what im asking . Wish i could home school but i cant i have 3 other dcs.
I just want her to be happy and successful in life. She has so much potential and so wants to learn i just dont know what to do.
If i was super intelligent i would pull her out of school and teach her myself . If i was super rich i could pay private tutors etc but im none of these so what? Im so angry with these kids, im so angry with their parents for raising them to feel the need to bully.
One day something bad will happen. Im sorry can anyone help me?

colditz Wed 12-Dec-12 21:32:45

I would pull her out regardless. I wouldn't send my child to school to tackle that.

Go in to the school and ask to see their anti bullying policy. Then look through it, making notes about what has happened to your dd. have you reported anything so far.. Has it been addressed at all?

RandomMess Wed 12-Dec-12 21:34:57

She would probably need an hour input from you a day to homeschool her, I would keep her home and try it out.

Jinsei Wed 12-Dec-12 21:35:33

sad no good advice but much sympathy. I'm so sorry that you and your dd are having to deal with this. It must be awful.

I hope you find the right way forward.

Hulababy Wed 12-Dec-12 21:37:35

School need to do more. They need to know their threats. And you need to know exactly what they are doing to help your DD, and to prevent these children bullying her and threatening her.

monstermissy Wed 12-Dec-12 21:42:23

Is there anywhere at school she can go instead of being with the masses? My school has a room where children can go at lunch and break for just some quiet time or if they struggle with friendships etc there is always an adult in there to chat to, I'm a dinner lady and serve during break times but I've got a couple if students who come and chat with me during break, they stand a little behind my counter and I think it makes them feel a little safer, the break hall can be scary to some kids, its noisy, busy and full of bigger kids. Just having an adult to see can help someone who knows the situation. It's not ideal and I know she shouldn't have to avoid certain things but it may make lunch/break more bearable in the short term.

What are the school doing about it? Have you thought of moving schools?

would Interhigh or something similar be a possibility? It's not cheap, but nothing like private school fees.

Your poor dd, she really shouldn't have to face that each day. Could she moves schools, they really can differ enormously on how well they integrate kids with SN/quirky kids.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Wed 12-Dec-12 21:48:50

I would pull her out regardless too. The school are failing to keep her safe.

As am aside, I have a 20 year old Asperger's lad. He suffered horrendously at school, was badly bullied and ostracised for being 'weird'. He did better at college but mainly because the college he went to was a Further Education college rather than a sixth form, and a lot of his classmates at college were adults (he studied a non-academic subject). He is now living independently and working as a falconer which is his dream job. Not many of us can say we're doing our dream jobs well into adult hood so things can work out for our single-minded, Asperger's children.

Gottabbrave Wed 12-Dec-12 21:51:59

Thankyou for your responses.
She was pushed over by a girl at the start of the year. She also threatened to kick her around the field. The school kept an eye on her and that girl is being kept behind after class every day and excluded for a short time since then when i have complained about various other incidents to the head they say they are sorting it but wont give me any details of how!!
What surprised me is when i mentioned it to her form tutor she didnt even know the girl in question. Do teachers not talk any more!!
Thanks charlie i defo will ask to see a copy of anti bullying policy.
If i take her out her education will suffer and im sure the police will have no interest in this matter as its on school grounds and a daily occurance . A slap on the wrists at most and then the bullys will get their revenge.
I guess there is no answer she just has to take it because bar expelling the lot of them (which they wont do) anything else will just ignite a fire so to speak.
Wish i could take her out though realy do x

fengirl1 Wed 12-Dec-12 21:52:48

I would suggest you contact the Head of Year and the Senco to arrange a meeting and discuss your concerns. Any decent school will have other students in a similar position to your dd and should be able to offer some help. Does she have a TA or a statement? If she does, the school should be aware of her problems and trying to do something about it. They may say they didn't know, but it's about time they did and you should tell them.

Gottabbrave Wed 12-Dec-12 21:58:25

Never heard of interhigh thanks jim jams.
And glad to hear that about your son hungry woman. There may be hope for her yet!
She does have places to go and i thought the smallish class sizes would be beneficial but im second guessing my smaller school decision now. Maybe bigger classes more kids would help her disappear but thats not ideal either.
You are very helpful thankyou x

Gottabbrave Wed 12-Dec-12 22:01:38

No she is not statemented as shes kind of on the cusp if you understand.
Does it ever make you feel whats the point of us raising our kids well if they have to mix with the dreggs?

YY to SENCO too, and if you still have no joy go to the governors, then LEA. Don't put up with it.

Gottabbrave Wed 12-Dec-12 22:03:03

Senco. Thanks fengirl.
You have all been very helpful

3b1g Wed 12-Dec-12 22:03:49

DS2 has Asperger's and is in Y6. I am already worrying about him starting secondary school, for exactly these reasons.

nancy75 Wed 12-Dec-12 22:07:14

Is there another school she could go to?nthe school should be doing more, however while they can make the bullies stop they can never make the kids change their mind about your dd. I was horribly bullied at school and I still wish that my parents had moved me to a new school.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Wed 12-Dec-12 22:09:56

If she is bright, could she maybe get a bursary for a fee paying school?

monstermissy Wed 12-Dec-12 22:10:10

My son is starting yr 7 in September, he has ASD, I've put him down for the school I work in do I can keep an eye out and am on speaking terms with his future teachers etc, I'm very worried about how he will cope. I'm meant to be starting uni in September but will stay on at school to watch over him. My mum says 'you won't always be there to catch him' but I see it that I'm in a great position to 'be there' so while I can I will be.

Ask about nurture groups or lunchtime clubs etc shame its not my school she could come join my little gang. I feel for you both. Keep in at school and be a pain.

Wolfiefan Wed 12-Dec-12 22:15:34

Keep a record of everything. Ask DD if there are any witnesses to each incident. Report everything. Ask for a safe place. (Our school uses library or staffed rooms as a refuge.) Does she have a buddy? Can she make sure she is not alone? Deal with someone with authority but ask for certain staff to be kept in the loop. (You decide if this is all staff, her teachers or just tutor.) Big secondary schools tend to work on a sort of need to know.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Wed 12-Dec-12 22:16:56

its gets better - i promise.

DS has aspergers and is now 21.

the first years of secondary were an endurance test - i felt just as you do now - endless letters to school, endless meetings, endless misery.

as they get older the kids around them mature to the point they stop enjoying getting a rise out of aspies....

DS is now at uni doing a computer science degree. He has few friends from school but he does have some - and they are very dear to him. they are mostly girls, and one boy also with AS, but i just want you to know it does get better.

dont let the school get away with doing nothing - they have a duty of care, keep on their backs if they appear to be doing nothing. Ask for their anti bullying policy, liaise with the SENCO, and the LEA Ed Psyche - find out what would make life easier for DD.

For ds it was a quiet space away from the masses at breaks and lunch times, that kind of thing....they should be able to provide those little things that make all the difference.

DS went to a very small catholic secondary school which was easier for him - primary was actually harder to deal with and it drove us all to the edge - i pulled him out for weeks at primary due to bullying.

make the school pull their finger out and help your DD - statement or not - DS never had a statement - they still need protecting from bullying.

mercibucket Wed 12-Dec-12 22:23:14

Please don't let it continue, even if you have to change schools or let her home ed. I know you say you can't but she could teach herself, really, with you to help on the practical side of things
My amazing borderline aspie sister was bullied all therough secondary. She has never recovered from it. It's such a formative time. I just don't understand why my parents didn't move her, but they listened to the schools crap efforts to stop it, and trusted the school. The consequences last a lifetime sad

mercibucket Wed 12-Dec-12 22:23:14

Please don't let it continue, even if you have to change schools or let her home ed. I know you say you can't but she could teach herself, really, with you to help on the practical side of things
My amazing borderline aspie sister was bullied all therough secondary. She has never recovered from it. It's such a formative time. I just don't understand why my parents didn't move her, but they listened to the schools crap efforts to stop it, and trusted the school. The consequences last a lifetime sad

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Wed 12-Dec-12 23:15:51

i feel the need to point out the other side.....

my DS was bullied. mercilessly, however alot of it went over his head - never over mine though. i spent his entire school life in pursuit of the perfect school, i found one with 400 kids, good ethos, approachable SENCO, but even there things were not perfect.

that said - as they age - it does get better for them, DS was intelligent, did A levels, now at uni....has a part time job because he taught himself to computer programme at the age of 11 and touted for business.

his mate with AS.
who was pulled out of school at age 11 due to bullying does not work. He has no formal qualifications and volunteers at the local library 2 days a week. He lives on his benefits. He never had to deal with the bullies - true. but he will not work either.

When DS was assessed for his DX by elizabeth Newson she stated he should stay in mainstream education - that it was the right place for him, but he should have been statemented. he wasnt. i didnt fight hard enough for that - but even that would not have prevented him from encountering fuckwits who like to take the piss out of difference. as it was he was lucky and shared another boys TA.

OP - you need to a school that works for your DD as best as possible. Visit other schools, talk to the heads, i quickly sussed out who would be sympathetic and who wouldnt be.

You know your own DD, as hard as it was i had to take a longer term view and i felt what was right for DS. i did the best i could do for him and found him a tiny school with a lovely understanding SENCO and, most of the teachers were good with him (not all)

there is rarely a perfect solution. go with your instincts on whats best for your girl.

Notmyidea Thu 13-Dec-12 22:10:01

you ought to be able to expect more from the school! Your dd should be getting social skills classes to help her mature and protection from the bullying. It really doesn't even sound subtle! Be a pain if you nee to; find out which of the govenors has responsability for SEN and report to them if you are not satisfied with the teachers' responses.
I won't pretend my school is perfect, but I'd expect the culprits to be getting an internal exclusion for each incident at a minimum!

Jakadaal Mon 17-Dec-12 17:21:00

My heart goes out to you OP - these are all my fears for DD when she hits comprehensive. I would second getting in the schools face - use Ed psych, governors, parent partnership, SENCO, Parent Support Advisors .... anyone who need to to get the school to sit up and do something about this

CatKitson Mon 17-Dec-12 17:25:17

Don't discount homeschooling. You don't need to be "super-intelligent" to home ed, just need support and a bit of help finding the right materials. You don't need private tutors, home ed groups often have parent co-ops which share some of the teaching. It has to be better than what the two of you are enduring at the moment.

amillionyears Mon 17-Dec-12 17:34:56

Does she have any friends there at all?

nortonmumoftwo Mon 07-Jan-13 11:37:55

Hi there gottabebrave

First thing - stay strong for her - a crying parent is of no use - I know I've done plenty of it!
Second thing - children (especially girls in my opinion) can be vile.

I had to get my DD changed class in year & due to a large amount of low level bullying by one vile girl. She is now with 'nicer' girls from 'nicer' homes and suffers no intimidation and bullying. She still falls out with them occasionally but its nothing she can't handle. I had to fight tooth and nail to get her changed as the school insisted it was just "friendship issues". There are so many layers of 'teachers/year heads/academic mentors" in schools nowadays - most really unnecessary. In the end I emailed the Head and he got is sorted. I have to say he was really good but only I think because I tried to convey a balanced attitude on the outside! It's not easy sending your child to school in tears and then picking her up in tears.

My advice would be, if you decide to stick it out - is to do everything in your power - i.e governors/headmaster/MP/LEA/police - i.e PCSO's normally deal with this type of thing. Remember any child can be arrested or suggested for Restorative Justice above 10 years old. Any violence should be reported to Police I think.

The other solution is to move her - what does she want?

I so feel for you - really I do - my situation absorbed my whole life for about two months. It will get better and your daughter will be a stronger person because of it - I promise!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now