If your pre teen said they were invited for a sleepover would you check with the other parents?

(67 Posts)
VivaLeBeaver Fri 29-Jun-12 23:10:35

dd has three friends sleeping over tonight. They're new friends. Two of them I have never met the parents and they've not met me. I vaguely know the other girls mum, don't know her name but I'd recognise her. Unless their dds have given their mums my phone number then they don't have it.

Dd asked them last week if they wanted to come for a sleepover, I said it was fine. I'm just surprised their parents haven't contacted me to make sure it was ok.

Not so much of an issue now but in a few years this could be a good trick to say they're going to X's house when they're really somewhere else. Would I look like an old fart if I always ring parents to double check that dd is going to be at their house if she goes for a sleepover?

They're all 11 btw.

rubyrubyruby Fri 29-Jun-12 23:12:44

I don't check but stay in mobile contact with DD.

MaryMotherOfCheeses Fri 29-Jun-12 23:13:37

You've got two 11 year old girls in your house overnight and neither of the parents have phoned you even just to make contact????7

My goodness.

No, that' wouldn't happen here.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Fri 29-Jun-12 23:14:43

I would check yes, just to be sure that it was a plan the parent agreed to.

NotMostPeople Fri 29-Jun-12 23:15:41

I always check even with my 13 year old and have had some reactions from mothers that would indicate they think I'm being overly protective.

VivaLeBeaver Fri 29-Jun-12 23:15:47

Three girls. No parents have contacted me and the girls have known for a week. The girls assured me at tea that their parents know where they are.

VivaLeBeaver Fri 29-Jun-12 23:17:55

I'm glad it's not just me being PFB about it. These girls have older siblings so maybe their parents area bit more relaxed about stuff!

usualsuspect Fri 29-Jun-12 23:18:36

I would assume their parents thought it was ok , yes

cece Fri 29-Jun-12 23:19:43

My 11 yr old DD rarely goes on sleepovers and therefore only goes with people I know very well. There is no way she would be at someones house I didn't know - let alone not contacted about it. shock

bumpybecky Fri 29-Jun-12 23:20:01

no that wouldn't happen here!

neither of my older dds (14 and 12) has been for a sleepover without me (or DH) knowing the parents, speaking to them and delivering dd to their house. We've always taken contact numbers from parents who have left their dd's here too.

MaryMotherOfCheeses Fri 29-Jun-12 23:20:43

tbh, I'm so pfbish that I'd have checked before they were sleeping at my house. I'd have wanted mobile numbers in advance and checked by text, if I didn't know the parents.

At this stage, I don't know that there's much you can do other then text the parents to say "xxx is here and all is fine, are you collecting her in the morning?"

usualsuspect Fri 29-Jun-12 23:20:54

How can you know all the parents of your childrens friends?

usualsuspect Fri 29-Jun-12 23:22:09

I mean I didn't know any of my childrens friends parents once they went to secondary school

mercibucket Fri 29-Jun-12 23:22:47

Yep ours have had sleepovers like that. They've always turned up again the next day smile
Probably be a bit more careful with teens tbh

mercibucket Fri 29-Jun-12 23:22:47

Yep ours have had sleepovers like that. They've always turned up again the next day smile
Probably be a bit more careful with teens tbh

VivaLeBeaver Fri 29-Jun-12 23:24:46

She goes to secondary school in sept and I guess will be making friends there with kids who's parents I won't know. I won't mind her going for sleepovers but do think I'm going to have to either drop her off or ring them beforehand.

Nothings been arranged about taking these girls home tomorrow. I think they're all just planning to walk themselves home. I'm going to drive them all home though, they're not far away but then I know they've got back.

Maryz Fri 29-Jun-12 23:25:01

I always check (and mine are 15 and 14 now blush) but I'm constantly amazed by how many parents don't.

I used to always ring them and say "you do know your kids are at my house" but having been called a control-freak and told to "chill" a number of times, I've given up.

I simply don't understand it, but I appear to be in the minority.

TheSpokenNerd Fri 29-Jun-12 23:28:00

I am ith MaryMotherofCHeese! 11 is very young imo.

Maryz Fri 29-Jun-12 23:28:08

Oh, and dd's friends always tell their parents they are staying in various friends houses when they are in apartments with older boys or their friend's older brother's places hmm. I have warned dd that I won't lie for her, because I discovered once they were saying they were staying here.

I won't allow mixed sleepovers until mine are 17, but then I'm a prude, apparently.

usual, we get a printout from the school when the children start in secondary with names, addresses and home numbers of the entire year. So through that, I have mobile numbers for most of my children's friends - but that is because my children (dd and ds2 that is, ds1 was a whole other story) are quite happy to tell me the truth.

TheSpokenNerd Fri 29-Jun-12 23:28:42

They're still in PRIMARY??? What are their parents thinking!

usualsuspect Fri 29-Jun-12 23:30:29

Really you get a print out, I trusted my DCs fool that I am , but tbh they never had to lie

VoldemortsNipple Fri 29-Jun-12 23:30:45

Once dcs get to high school it is much harder to know friends let alo.e their parents. However DD is 16 and I always insist on speaking to parents, even if its one phone call to say, Hi I'm just checking DD is sleeping in your house tonight, is that right?

A couple of friends who were into heavy metal when we were 14 had "sleepovers" in each others houses every weekend for 3 years, while secretly going clubbing and staying out all night until they could return home at a reasonable hour.

MrsJohnMurphy Fri 29-Jun-12 23:32:19

Oh gawd yes I would always check, we got up to all sorts using this loophole, bowling until 12am was surprisingly effective too hmm.

Maryz Fri 29-Jun-12 23:34:37

Yes, we got a printout, which has been great for dd and ds2 as their friends are well scattered (large country-ish catchment, so children have to be transported to friends' houses)

Not that it did us much good with ds1. The first secondary sleepover he went on when he was 12, we obeyed all the rules, we rang them, we dropped him there, we asked what they were doing (dvd and pizza we were told).

But at 12.30 am we got a phone call from the local police station as ds1 and two others had been arrested with fireworks, and one of the boys had cannabis.

The mother had put them in a taxi to the local town to get the pizza. And they got into a fight with local youths and stolen fireworks, and it all went downhill from there.

The mum (when I contacted her the next day) was pissed off with ds1 for being arrested - her son wasn't arrested as he knew the area and so ran faster hmm

So I trust no parents, ever.

OwlsOnStrings Fri 29-Jun-12 23:37:18

Yes, definitely. Can't imagine not doing it. I also check for my 13 yr old and nobody has commented on it yet. I plan to continue for as long as possible. Going by what I was like the further into the teens the more likely it is to be an Evil Scheme.

Trish1200 Fri 29-Jun-12 23:49:21

I would without a doubt check. I'm amassed how there are parents who don't. And I would have to know the parents, a phone call would not be enough. Maybe because I've been there. When I was 16 I once went out clubbing all night, I got my older 6 years boyfriend to call my parents to pretend he was one of my friends father and they fell for it grin it was great fun at the time. Unfortunately for him my son won't ever get away with it so easily wink

NotMostPeople Sat 30-Jun-12 08:51:52

Mixed sleepovers! Oh my giddy aunt.

DilysPrice Sat 30-Jun-12 09:19:50

I would not have children in my house or allow my children to go to another house unless I had their parent's phone number and had checked it worked.

(another thread has reminded me of the time I had to call an ambulance for a child on a playdate)

PandaG Sat 30-Jun-12 09:27:16

so far sleepovers have been with parents I know, and I have always dropped off and checked what time to pick up in the morning. THey've usually been part of a birthday celebration, or occasionally childcare for me! Any child that has slept here, I know the parents too, and definitely have phone numbers for and would have checked arrangements myself.

If DS gets invited to a sleepover with children I don't know now he is at secondary school I would want to speak to the parent to check it out, before giving permission - I want to know where they are and who they are with!

cece Sat 30-Jun-12 09:43:07

I am not a fan of sleepovers anyway. Hence DD has only ever been twice to one of her friends for one (I know the mum well) and once to my next door neighbours (for a birthday party). Otherwise i politely decline the offer. DD has only had one herself and that was this year for her 11th birthday. I put the tent up and the 4 girls slept in the garden. Again, I have known all of the girls and their mums since reception.

There is no way I would let her go for a sleepover at anyone elses house - particularly someone I did not know.

DS1 (8) has never been allowed on one yet. He has been invited but I have declined up till now.

VivaLeBeaver Sat 30-Jun-12 09:52:37

In fairness, we do live in a (very large) village. Even though I don't know 2 of the parents I know where they live. I also know people who know them and I imagine if they'd wanted to they could have asked people in the village if I was likely to be competent to look after their kids overnight.

All the girls are still here. Late night last night and they've not come out the tent yet!

AdventuresWithVoles Sat 30-Jun-12 09:58:38

ime (DC currently age 10+12), there would be lots of chat between parents, other parents would always get in touch with me, if nothing else they need to know when to expect them home. DC don't get invited so I haven't been in the position of needing to chase up others.

seeker Sat 30-Jun-12 09:58:42

Why, cece?

bonkersLFDT20 Sat 30-Jun-12 10:06:51

This wasn't an issue at Primary school as I knew all the parents, but in Secondary I know only a handful of parents.
I would certainly make contact with a parent if my son was invited to a sleepover, it just seems polite if nothing else. Also, to make sure they know what time I'm collecting my son.
I think though, it's mainly to show my son that I'm involved in his life, that I care where he is, that he knows I need to know where he is, who he's with and what (roughly!) he's doing. Hopefully this will lead to him keeping me involved in his life as he becomes more independent.

CurrySpice Sat 30-Jun-12 10:09:24

Perhaps the parents will drop them off and meet you then?

EdithWeston Sat 30-Jun-12 10:09:37

I always check - even with a young teen, for the practical reason that even if they're planning to be out late, I want someone to be expecting them in at a certain time and soundingth alarm if they don't turn up.

For my pre-teen I do for a different practical reason - he sometimes wets the be, only rarely now, but I think it's only fair to warn the host/ess so she is forearmed (I'll send a disposable bed protector if wanted) and knows how important it is to remind him to wee last thing.

cece Sat 30-Jun-12 10:11:14

Why don't I like them?

I think it is because where I grew up that this sort of thing did not happen, so I am not comfortable with the whole convept tbh. I like to have my DC at home with me. I also think Primary age is too young for it al. Just my opinion though as I know amongst DDs peers they seem to have them every weekend, so I know I am in the minority.

TBH I don't know why parents seem so keen to have them.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 30-Jun-12 10:13:59

I wouldn't have children staying over unless I had spoken to their parents.

What if they have some kind of medical condition/get ill/break your house?

VivaLeBeaver Sat 30-Jun-12 10:14:34

I'm not keen to have sleepovers, dd however is. grin

cece Sat 30-Jun-12 10:22:18

So is DD grin She tends not to ask now though! LOL.

I think sleepovers can be great. But I would always, at least, speak to the parents on the phone first. DS is in yr7 and I still just give a quick call to the parents who are having having the sleepover to offer my sympathies to ask if there is anything my DS can take.

seeker Sat 30-Jun-12 10:27:13

I just can't understand why you would say no if they want to do them. They will miss out on so much. I say this as the owner of a dd who just couldn't bring herself to stay away from home and missed out on so much fun as a result.

rubyrubyruby Sat 30-Jun-12 10:29:55

I am often reluctant to let mine go. I've not always been happy with what other parents allow them to get up to.

rubyrubyruby Sat 30-Jun-12 10:30:24

We don't have any here!

I'm 35 and remember having sleepovers as a pre teen and then in my teen years. We used to camp down in the lounge, often 8/9 of us and they were great. My mum would come in and chat to us and up until she died when I was 16 my friends used her as a confidant (sp) in the small hours and asked her for a bear hug before they went to sleep. My mum knew my friends, really knew them. It is one of my best memories, and I hope to do similar with my DC.

cece Sat 30-Jun-12 10:32:27

But what are they missing? Being tired and grumpy for the rest of the next day? Plus they see their friends in and out of school all the time anyway.

rubyrubyruby Sat 30-Jun-12 10:35:18

I agree cece - they miss being tired, being grumpy and lots of unsuitable TV in my experience.

They are missing out on so much fun. It is fun at sleepovers even if not for the parents and it gives parents a chance to get to know their DCs friends. They giggle, they chat, in a different way to that at school or a saturday afternoon in your house.

seeker Sat 30-Jun-12 10:38:04

They miss having fun with their friends. And crucially, they miss an event that their friends are at and will be talking about. And they don't care about the tired and grumpy thing!

It isn't always about what they are missing, but what could they be gaining. I know this doesn't happen to everyone but, I was so used to sleeping over at friends that when mum died staying at friends overnight was like being at home, but away from home iyswim.

OddBoots Sat 30-Jun-12 10:40:09

I would phone and check and while doing so would make an offer for my child to bring something like dessert or at least some snacks (but then he eats like a horse so I'd want to make sure he wasn't being a tiger who came to tea!)

rubyrubyruby Sat 30-Jun-12 10:40:43

So - what do you do if your 12year old comes home and has watched some 18 horror movie?

If I was hosting a sleepover I wouldnt expect the other parents to be in touch. If I were sending my dd to a sleepover I would call and speak to the hosts.

I remember being 15 and sneaking in the house the film Nightmare on Elm Street blush We freaked out and stopped watching it.
I realise times are different now, that is why you have to communicate with the other parents so you are all coming from the same place.

gnocchi I disagree, any child that stays at mine, I want their parents number and I will speak to them beforehand, even if just to say bring a sleeping abg or they need to be collected by 9. I will always find a reason to speak to them before they stay over.

cece Sat 30-Jun-12 10:53:27

Oh don't start me on films. I am very strict on which ones my DC are allowed to watch. They are rated for a reason. My DC2 has had ongoing sleep problems and he gets incredibly scared of things he sees in films/TV programmes. Luckily all of his friend's mums - when he goes to their house to play/tea - know this now and usually phone to check with me first. I have had to decline invites for him to go with friends to see films at the cinema too - as it would effect his sleeping too much.

TBH I don't think DD misses out much. I'll try and ask her later and see what she says.

Maryz Sat 30-Jun-12 11:15:15

I do think that as parent your attitude has to change bloody quickly when the become teenagers.

I let my kids do things that I would have said "never" to when they were 8/9/10.

dd had a 16th birthday party here, boys and girls. I took all the boys home at midnight, but we had 9 girls staying over sleeping on the floor. Only one parent rang me - but then, they've all been here before and I've met all their parents at drop-offs or school pta meetings over the last three years.

I'm more relaxed about films too - at 13 they could watch 15s but not 18s. Now at 15/16 it's up to them [bad mother emoticon]

ds2 watched War of the Worlds at a friend's sleepover when he was 7 - and played Call of Duty. That was an eye-opener for me.

bigTillyMint Sat 30-Jun-12 11:22:37

At primary, I knew all the parents of any children where my DC might be invited to sleepovers.

DD is now in Y8 and although I have met her friends (though some very fleetingly!), I don't know many of the parents. As the girls seem really nice, I presume that she is safe to sleepover at their houses and trust her judgement. She also takes her mobile so we can contact her.

Annunziata Sat 30-Jun-12 11:30:01

I would always drop off my DC and run in to speak to a mum or a dad if I didn't already know them. Even if I do know them, I like to wave to them from the car just to know that they're in! Sleepovers didn't start amongst my DC and their friends until high school though, I probably wouldn't have allowed them at primary.

I really like having my children's friends over though.

CeliaFate Sun 01-Jul-12 14:12:42

Dd was invited to a sleepover at a girl I'd never met so I dropped her off, went in and had a chat with the girl's mum and exchanged mobile numbers.

CeliaFate Sun 01-Jul-12 14:13:15

Sorry posted too soon. There's no way I'd let her go to someone's house if I hadn't met them!

GraduallyGoingInsane Sun 01-Jul-12 15:19:22

I'd call ahead too, at 11. To be honest, more to check that it's actually ok with the other mum. DD1 (now 15!) arranged a sleepover in Year 7 with a friend, asked my permission, I said yes, but thought as it was secondary, there was no need to double check everything as carefully, and was dropping her off anyway

...and then she turned up and the poor mum of the friend knew nothing about it! Turned out DD1's friend had just decided to go ahead and arrange it herself! Luckily, I'd gone to drop DD1 off so could just take her home again, but it was very, very awkward!

csc Sun 01-Jul-12 15:34:01

When you send your children on a sleepover, how do you know who else will be in the house? Or if you haven't even spoken to them, whether they are the kind of people you'd trust with your children?

mine are younger, I ask from curiosity not censoriousness.

also if you don't have parental details of children staying with you, what would you do if the child was taken seriously ill or had a bed accident and was unable to tell you? How would you know if they needed medication they might forget or had diabetes/athsma or something?

csc Sun 01-Jul-12 15:34:48

bad accident. Not bed accident :-)

pleasestoparguing Sun 01-Jul-12 15:44:35

I would never let my DC go anywhere where I haven't checked that the parents were walright with it and we had exchanged phone numbers in case of need to contact - especially pre teens - I think it's irresponsible to let your 11 yo DC be anywhere youdon't know they can be contacted. I suppose if they have mobile phones it's different - how did the children get to your house OP? Did you pick them u or were they dropped off or did they just come round?

VivaLeBeaver Sun 01-Jul-12 16:11:42

Talking of films one of the girls who stayed on Friday night said how she saw Saw recently. shock I'm sure its an 18, sounds gruesome anyway and she's only 11!

nortonmumoftwo Wed 17-Oct-12 12:41:59

read my post for my horrific experience on saturday!

Arcticwaffle Wed 17-Oct-12 14:16:37

I haven't checked sleepovers for my 12 and 11yo dds, sometimes we know the parents, if not I'd try and check things out when dropping them off. But I haven't yet caught either dd lying to me about that sort of thing so until they do I'll trust them.

It's the other parents and the supervision arrangements I'd want to check up on, one or two sleepovers have been a bit bizarre. But those were things it woudl have been hard to guess beforehand. (like a parent letting a load of 10-11 year old girls (yr6) out into the local park to look for boys at 10pm hmm. My 10yo was most unhappy about this but I wouldn't have guessed that parent would have permitted that.

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