Too harsh or not harsh enough?

[mamaduckbone]

Ds10, in year 6, went out to the park with his mates yesterday (inset day here) and took with him Dh's old iPhone 4, which although it isn't 'his' as such we've set up so that he can use it when he's out and about.

An hour later, ds appeared back at the door distraught because the phone was broken. Dh was quite understanding at first thinking he'd dropped it by accident (I was at work at this point) but it transpires that ds was throwing it around 'to see how tough it was'. Dh then flipped his lid, sent other friends off and tore a strip off ds.

He then had a guilt trip that one of the friends has specifically arranged to meet ds and let ds go back to the park, pending discussion of his punishment later. He clearly told him a time to be back.

Half an hour after this time we had to go and retrieve ds from the park as he hadn't come home. Not really helping his cause!

He's a bright kid but just acts before he thinks. He was super remorseful, very teary and really beating himself up about it - I'm such an idiot, I hate myself etc. We've said that he's grounded from going out with his mates for the rest of the week (half term) and his iPad is confiscated (since he broke dad's phone without a thought.) Of course at the end of all this we told him that we love him and it's the behaviour not him we're angry with, but honestly, every time I think about it I'm seething.

We're really despairing tbh. As soon as he's given a privilege or a little bit of freedom he doesn't seem to be able to cope and does daft things to show off to his friends. I dread what trouble he's going to get himself into at secondary.

Still deciding what to do about the broken phone. Should he pay for it? Or is the punishment enough?

(Sorry, that ended up long.)

[MyEternalSunshine]

I wouldn't make him pay for it as he's still quite young to be footing bills but you certainly shouldn't have to either so pull back on a lot of his relevant privileges (like you said the iPad) I wouldn't have let him go back out to be honest as he was intentionally acting in a destructive way. Had it of been a genuine accident I would of praised the honesty and let him go back out but seeing as he was seeing how far he could take it?? Seems like maybe he does these things because he can cry about it afterwards and escape a harsher punishment? Don't mean that to come across harsh on you OP maybe I'm super cynical but I'm always wary of crocodile tears 😅 I understand how frustrating it is though kids really don't think things through before acting 🤗

[mamaduckbone]

Oh yes, I'm sure there's an element of crocodile tears, but we have also had issues where he gets very worked up and anxious about things he's done wrong to the degree of sleepless nights. Dh has mental health issues (anxiety) and ds does show some of these tendencies, although it doesn't seem to stop him doing the bloody stupid things in the first place!!

He's going to suffer massively being on lockdown with no iPad for half term week and he now won't have a phone at all for the foreseeable future since we're not in a position to replace it - even if we wanted to.

I just don't get why he would fuck up quite so spectacularly on day 1 of the holidays. Gahhhhh!

[MyEternalSunshine]

Ah he suffers from anxiety? The poor mite, I understand why you'd feel between a rock and a hard place on punishments! If it makes you feel better I think you're taking the complete right approach- if only kids knew how much we genuinely dislike punishing them! It's so much effort and annoyance 😄 I feel for you it has not made half term easy on any of you in the slightest! Keep strong

[mamaduckbone]

Thank you! It's Dh who's going to get the brunt of it as he's at home with them for half term.