I'm at the end of my tether DD12' outbursts and damage to property

[Jinglebellsarenearlyhere]

DD12, periods started a year ago, only child, dyspraxic, angel at school.

she Has always been prone to outburst, tantrums etc etc but now she is older they are getting fewer but more violent. She throws things, anything across rooms, at people, can be apples, chairs, computers, anything she has to hand.

DH thinks she needs professional help, I just don't know how to handle it all. My methods is to ignore, tell her to go to her room to calm down, ignore her when she doesnot. Ignore ignore ignore and then when she is calm discuss, impose consequences and talk. DH tries to restrain her to protect our property but this makes it worse and I don't agree with it at all. She says she wants to kill her self, murder me, run away, call social services.

From an outside perspective I reckon she comes across as an attention seeking, spoilt brat with issues. Am I too liberal, does she need medical / mental health intervention or is this just usualish. 90% of the time she is lovely and fine and a typical preteen.

[Jinglebellsarenearlyhere]

Apologies for spelling / typing / whatever errors. I've lost my glasses and can't see the text very well!

[PlanD]

I'm certainly no expert but I think throwing computers and chairs is outside the realm of normal behaviour. I'm sure more knowledgeable people will be along with more advice. It sounds like she completely loses control of herself to say the least. What does she say about it when she calms down?

[Missgraeme]

If she has started her periods maybe try her on B complex tablets. I take them and call them my anti-bitch pills!! Make a massive difference to my whole month not just af week. At 12 she can take adult vitamins.

[JennyOnAPlate]

What kind of consequences do you impose? I have to say I would find it impossible to ignore my possessions being thrown...I would go postal!

[Jinglebellsarenearlyhere]

This is the problem. As plan d says she totally looses it, can't see reason, she describes it as a screaming voice in her head telling her to rant and rage.

Afterwards she is apologetic, accepts consequences, apologises and sees her behaviour is not acceptable. But she can not come up with with anything to help self or that we can do.

DH does go postal and last time tries to restrain her, this made DD worse as in the moment she though he was attacking her so kicked out at him. A day later she does see that he was not intending to attack her but she says in the moment it is like he's going to kill her.

Consequences - she doesnot really get affected by much so negative consequences have little impact. For
Yesterday she has had her phone and iPad confiscated for the rest of the holidays. Her bank card has been taken away, she has to pay for the damage caused and has had to put everything back in place.

My liberal head says that if she's not in control at the moment does she deserve any more punishment than a natural justice type thing.

I just don't know what to do, if what in doing is right or wether I should give in to DH and take her to the gps, learn restraint texhniques and in his words 'give her a dose of her own medicine' whatever that means.

Will investigate vitamins -'thank you xxx

[corythatwas]

What your liberal head should perhaps is saying is if she does not deserve punishment, neither does she deserve to live in a situation where she might one day end up having caused serious injury to somebody she loves. If she throws heavy things at people, this is dangerous: she could ruin her life without intending to.

She also needs a very strong message now (not least as a young woman) that violence always requires intervention. She needs to know that this behaviour can be stopped. She needs help. Now.

Think of it as help, not as punishment. Restraint of a child this old could easily become dangerous: at the very least it should be used together with techniques aiming at putting her in control of her outbursts.

GP should be first port of call. They can refer to CAHMS.

Dd was a bit like this though at a slightly younger age than your dd: by age 12 she had stopped hurting other people (and turned to self harming). In her case, it was extreme anxiety that brought on these attacks. She later described what it felt like in very similar terms to your dd: feeling that the parent who was trying to stop her had turned into some kind of monster that was attacking her.

CBT helped with the anxiety, and she is still on medication, but doing very well as a young adult.

[Jinglebellsarenearlyhere]

Thanks copy

Everything you have said makes sense. And I recognise a lot of what you have said about your own daughter in my situation. Thank you for sharing. I have decided that I will take her to the GP. And take it from there.

[corythatwas]

Best of luck for you and your dd, Jingles.