I'm always left out...

[Meandkids]

My eldest is 11, seems to always end up as the third wheel in a variety of friendship groups. She always feels left out and excluded and assumes she will be before any things actually happened...

We have had an issue with a best friend controlling her that only came to light in the past year and it turns out she was so scared of her she would do whatever she said when ever she said it... Sad thing is they have been pals for 7 years and I am concerned it may have always been like this..

Anytime she is with her 2 friends who are neighbours she automatically thinks she'll be left out...

How can I make her not behave like the victim all the time, she says that she has no real friends, it breaks my heart and I don't know how to help her not feel like this.
It can be really draining as I'm always thinking not again...

Thanks for reading

[pippistrelle]

Is she at secondary school already, or does she start in September? Because that can (most probably will) really shake up the dynamics of friendship groups.

You can try some social engineering by encouraging your daughter to create new bonds by inviting friends home: the aim being to create a circle of friends rather than a slightly awkward triangle. Also, try to boost her confidence by making it plain how much you enjoy spending time with her: plan some fun activities with her. If this can be an activity at which she can take the lead a bit, so much the better. Not necessarily a big event - maybe something like baking, where you just supervise?

[Meandkids]

Hey Pippistrelle

Thank you so much for your reply...she isn't at secondary school yet and I am hoping (and praying!!!) that things change for her at secondary school..my only reservation is that this is how she is and I need to try and change her mind set to looking after number one and no being so massively paranoid and insecure...
Appreciate your thoughts

[freetrampolineforall]

Perhaps look at doing things that will give her some physical confidence. Social engineering is a good idea. Secondary school should shake things up a bit.

[giggly]

This sounds like my dd also 11. Apart from the long standing friendship.
We moved back to UK and joined her class 18 months ago. She has never been allowed within the inner circle of the other 7 girls who are all thick as thieves. Birthday parties have been a pick of 4 girls withh dd never picked this last year.so she now accepts that she will be excluded. In fact she has had no.contact at all with any of them.over the (Scottish) holidays.
Outwardly she says she is OK and while at school just hangs about by herself. Breaks my heart but dd just gets on with her own thing. Also.has a good few non school friends which helps with her confidence but contact can be scarce due to my ft work.
I think we can only support and guide and dry their eyes until they establish new friendships at secondary.
I know that at least 2 parents know what is going on but choose to ignore it.
Good luck.op as it is so.sad to watch.

[Chocolategirl79]

Three years on from this thread I wonder if any of the original posters have any updates as to how their daughters got on at secondary school and whether they have any advice for those of us at this stage now?!?!

[Lushmetender]

Yes I’d love to know. My dd is desperate for a couple of good friends but teacher says she’s on her own a lot. She just had a play date with who she was best friends with but just say the girl was a little bitch making it v. Clear she had other best friends and then slagged her off in the car on the way home. Girls are horrible!