V concerned about DD/ DH conflict

(8 Posts)
Maybemable Tue 26-Jan-16 21:33:13

My 11 year old and my DH are having nightly stand-offs which escalate to being out-of-control with swearing and hitting from her and - after a brief attempt at staying calm - bellowing, bad language and smacks from him. I have to intervene physically to keep them apart. Have seen school and Dr about DD behaviour - there is nothing wrong health wise and her friendships are OK. DD is depressed but this doesn't excuse his lack of control or his refusal to take responsibility for the aftermath of the row or for addressing his own role in it. After each explosion he behaves as if nothing has happened leaving me to raise the subject which I do. At wits end. we are seeing family therapist with DD but she is a mum at the school and I am embarrassed to give her the full picture. May see her on my own. Should I involve the police next time? (seems extreme and round us they have enough to do). Do I ask DH to move out for a while? we have two younger kids who witness this. Am I complicit if I don't take action? I have told DH tonight if it happens again he will have to leave.

Mamamoose1 Wed 27-Jan-16 09:54:38

What a volatile situation. How can your husband expect his daughter to deal with situations the right way, if he mimics the same behaviour? She is depressed and needs help and understanding. It sounds like they both have an issue with lack of self-control/anger and struggle to deal with conflicts in a calm manner. I think if you allow this to carry on it's going to cause your daughter mental harm, he is supposed to be a positive role model for her. If I was in your position, I would be seeking help for my daughter, on how to deal with her feelings and to acknowledge her depression. I would also ask her dad to leave and welcome him back only after he sought advice for his own issues. I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds like a very difficult situation flowers

Mamamoose1 Wed 27-Jan-16 09:56:50

Also I think it's very traumatic for your younger children to also witness and no doubt it will have an effect on them too, maybe not now, but as they get older.

PatriciaHolm Wed 27-Jan-16 09:59:08

Well; now you've told him that, you need to follow through, otherwise he (and your kids) will know that your ultimatums are worthless.

He needs to step back and address his own issues whilst you help DD.

Fairylea Wed 27-Jan-16 10:01:44

What an awful situation. I would be asking my dh to leave if he ever smacked our child or behaved in such a way.

What starts the rows off?

plantsitter Wed 27-Jan-16 10:03:19

Yes, I would ask him to move out for a while. I grew up with a father like this and it is V damaging to self esteem. I'm sure she's a little madam but she is 11 and she is entitled to an adolescence however inconvenient that is to your DH.

I realise depression is a difficult one to deal with. At the moment the depression is being allowed to bring up your daughter.

pseudonymity Wed 27-Jan-16 10:06:16

Is sbe his child?

TeenAndTween Wed 27-Jan-16 12:42:34

If there are particular triggers or times, then an ad interim measure would be for your DH to go for a long walk each night from 30mins before conflict time until DD is in bed.

Him reacting with bad language and smacks is unacceptable, so he needs to remove himself from the situation.

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