Dd - 12 - grumpy, arguing, snappy, crap tone of voice, nasty to brother...

(9 Posts)
CocktailQueen Thu 17-Dec-15 20:51:51

This is dd at the moment. It's not pleasant. She's very 'glass half empty' and pessimistic. Always tired or crap day at school. Tonight she's done nothing but argue and snap whenever we've said anything to her.

She's not doing anything to help round the house. Dh is driving her to school every day to save her taking the bus and prevent her being too tired. Not a word of thanks.

Everything is an argument.

I had a big talk with her earlier this weka out how she speaks to DS and us, and I thought she had taken it on board. Not so.

She is no fun to be around - rude, grumpy. Not our usual dd.

She started her periods this term which may affect her mood - but surely not every day, all day?

How much leeway do you give your preteens for the above - arguing, grumpiness, nasty to sibling? It's hard to find anything positive she's doing ATM. She doesn't want to spend time with us at all, which I find sad, but I am not putting up with being talked to like this!

Anyone got any tips for dealing with her? Thanks.

CocktailQueen Thu 17-Dec-15 22:41:35

Anyone?

ealingwestmum Fri 18-Dec-15 11:48:00

Hi, I can't really give you any advice as I am afraid as I am in your world too, some of the time. I don't always react well to it either!

Am currently reading Get Out of My Life...but first take me and Alex into town to give me assurance that I am not a complete parent loser. Nothing in there that we don't already know about, just putting it into practice is a little more challenging grin. I'd recommend it.

To answer your question, I am trying to pick my battles. I can see my 12 year old is wanting to grow up, be more independent etc, and letting her be so in a controlled way. We're Londoners, so independent travel already a given. Shopping - letting her go off for an hour and meeting her; buying her own clothes but placing sanctions if her attitude is bad etc.

Is your DD ok out of the house (school and in company) and only grumpy with you and DH? If so, this is normal, and we are the punch bags for letting off steam. No consolation I know, but they need a safe outlet and we are it...

I know I will come out the other end...so will you...keep faith!

ealingwestmum Fri 18-Dec-15 12:25:14

Apologies, I wasn't able to comment on the sibling rivalry as DD only child. My gut instinct would be if the fighting does not take on a violent form, where possible, to let them argue it out without intervention. Once parents step in, it's no longer about the original fight, but about who can get the parents on side. A completely different play to just pissing parents off.

Words to sum up this age - narcissistic, selfish, grumpy, self centred, devious, liars...I could go on. All part of their development!

Obviously there are some parents who won't experience any of this because their kids won't be like this, and a few that will point the finger and say it's all about the parenting. I do believe a minority of children will not show these traits, but most will to some degree from preteens to adulthood. The one positive I have taken when at wits end is that you need to continue the nagging on the right values (and not give up) as one day, it will pay off.

I have sympathy with you, and do not want to tolerate a spoilt, brattish child who talks to her parents badly whenever she can get away with it. What I have to get better at though is not descending to her level and having the last word. Saying my bit, and walking away and getting my DH on board to be consistent with our approach are my 2016 objectives and counting to 10 more

good luck!

We3KingyOfOblomovAre Wed 30-Dec-15 15:47:51

I've got this with ds1. So rude. Horrible to ds2. Answering me back. Telling me "he's not listening because all I do is criticise".

"Ignore the hate" he told me. Ie he's not listening to Anythung I'm saying because I'm negative.
I nearly laughed. I pointed out that this was a racism issue, not boys not listening to mums.

I'm laughing now. But it's actually so not funny.

Is this just another phase? It's like living with Kevin and Perry isn't it? Painful.
Doesn't Kevin's dad say it goes on till they are 18?

TheBestChocolateIsFree Wed 30-Dec-15 15:55:02

I have shown DD the Kevin and Perry videos on YouTube actually.Hearing her say "That's so unfair!" in her best Kevin the teenager voice gives us both a bit of perspective on the situation.

Maverick66 Wed 30-Dec-15 16:04:44

Treat her the way she has been treating you for a few days see how she reacts.
Speak to her in a snappy whiny tone and get her DB and DF to do same.
See how she likes it.
Only when she sees how unpleasant it is to be treated in this way will she begin to understand how obnoxious she is being.
Keep a sense of humour.
I promise as the mother of 26 and 23 year old daughters a sense of perspective and a sense of humour are two very important elements in parenting.

Jw35 Wed 30-Dec-15 16:18:02

Aha! This is my 12 year old dd!

Yes great advice for you, this works brill! So I was really fed up with the attitude and teen strops. Grounding didn't work and taking her phone/computer time got a bit boring. She didn't seemed fussed whatever I did!

Then I twigged it. She likes being sent her her room! She never faces the arguments and never has to be accountable-just swans off to her room.

So I reversed grounding! Instead of being sent to her room she has to stay with me! She hated it! grin she had no electronics just her and me stuck together all day. She eloped me wash up, do laundry and Hoover. It was fab! The first hour was hideous but I stuck it out.

Now just the threat of reverse grounding works wonders! Try it! X

ealingwestmum Thu 31-Dec-15 10:20:06

haha, love that jw35. Spending time with me when in a strop would drive her nuts grin

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