DS lying about Gran dying

[MooMinCow]

Found out today via one of DS (12) friend's mum that he told his friends 1 & 2 two weeks ago that his gran had died but they weren't to tell anyone about it especially their parents!

Bit of back story - my father (who he was close to) passed away 2 years back from cancer, my mother now lives with us. Her best friend passed away 2 weeks back so she was naturally upset. DS has had a few issues with friend 1 earlier this year also.

I'm feeling very upset that he would lie about something like this. I'm guessing it's to get attention, but felt awful hearing it from Friend 1's mum.

DH says we'll talk to him tonight, but I can't concentrate on anything right now and not sure how I'll prevent myself confronting him as soon as he's home today.

Any advice please?

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

I'm not sure apart from saying don't be cross with him.

Maybe his Grans friend dying has upset him as its brought up memories of his grandad dying and got him worried that his Gran may die. If he doesn't know how to express it maybe it's come out like this?

He will be embarrassed and upset that you've found out.

[UsernameIncorrect]

Could it have been he said "my gran's friend died" and his friends mis-heard him? One of those things where you don't correct the mistake and it takes on a life of it's own?!

I had a cousin (in her twenties) who used her parents'/various relatives fictitious deaths as excuses to get off work.

Keep an open mind. Kids that age can be utterly daft.

[MooMinCow]

User - that's what DH said also. That maybe Friend 1 got the wrong end of the stick and telling fibs too (has past form for that )

I've had a cry and calmed down a bit. I know he's prone to exaggeration at the best of times but the 'don't tell anyone' part of it means that he must have known what a whopper he was telling?

[MackerelOfFact]

Perhaps he needed to explain to his friends why he was upset, but felt that 'my nan's friend died' wasn't quite going to cut it as a legitimate reason with his mates. Twelve is such a tricky age - they have they emotions of a child but the bravado of a teen. Maybe he was just trying to save face.

Try talking to him and explain how wrong it is to lie about someone's death. Ask him how he thinks he gran would feel if she knew he'd told this lie, and how will he feel when his gran does pass away and he gets no sympathy from his friends. Also ask how he thought he was going to hide his gran from his friends when they came over, and whether the outcome of the lie was worth the anxiety of having to hide it?

Also let him know it's fine to be upset by his gran's friend's death - the friend was obviously important, and her death will have reminded him of his gran's mortality, which is scary, as well as his grandad's death.

I'd be gentle with him. Don't go mad, but do try and get him to realise why it was such an awful thing to say. Also help him to figure out how to untangle the lie and set things straight with his friends. Just telling them "I'm sorry, my gran hasn't died, but her friend did die and it has made me upset that she will die soon too. If it's OK, I'd rather not talk about it anymore" might do it.

[MooMinCow]

Thank you Mackerel, lots of great advice. I do think my dad's death effected him greatly. He's a lovely, bright but very sensitive boy and gets anxious if me or mum are upset.

As for coming clean to his mates, I think they know his gran hasn't died, but I think it's important for him to clear the air as it's unacceptable for him to ask others to keep secrets

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

I'm not been funny but I do think it's a bit OTT that you're crying about this. I mean that nicely, that I think you're maybe blowing this out of proportion.

Yes he's told a lie. In the grand scheme of things it's not a massive lie....by that I mean he hasn't done it to hurt someone, or gain anything for his benefit. He has probably done it for quite complicated reasons which he may not understand.

Don't "confront" him. Ask him gently why he's said it. He may blow up out of embarrassment, especially if he can't explain to you why he's done it. I think he needs a hug.

[MooMinCow]

Simon - I was crying because my dad died just before Xmas. I find this time of year very hard and am feeling emotional/over sensitive right now anyway, so being told about this at the school gate after dropping DD off just tipped me over the edge. Feel better I got it out of my system.

Confront was probably a knee jerk reaction, but we will be talking to him later.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

Oh I'm sorry. My dad died before xmas a couple of years ago and I think it does make it especially hard. Trying to be festive while feeling sad.

[MooMinCow]

That OK Simon, I work in retail, so know all about having to be festive, smile and be nice to people while feeling anything but inside! Hope your Xmas goes ok too.