triangle of hell

[Heartofgold25]

My dd best girl buddies have had a falling out between them, although my dd hasn't and is good friends with everyone. They have been friends as a small group of 4 for years and years, happily. All the mothers are all friends socially as well as the girls.

My dd best friend has started being quite unkind to another girl in the group, lets call her friend 2 , but nothing much beyond the usual girly tit for tat not quite sure if they are arguing over my dd, but they are not getting on at all at school.

Now the mother of friend no 2 has started arranging joint activities for my dd such as private swimming club, sleepovers etc without inviting my dd's best friend, which is highly unusual as they all tend to do things together.

It has put me in a really difficult situation as I am very good friends with dd bf mother, and she is going to be upset that her dd hasn't been included or invited suddenly. She will soon hear about it, and will question what is going on, as it seems to be isolating her dd, which it is quite purposefully. I have no idea whether I should be telling her, and being open before she finds out (my instinct is to do this) as she is bound to find out anyway. I wonder if friend 2 mother is trying to drive a wedge between my dd and her bf by arranging all of this stuff and leaving the others out???

I asked friend 2 mother why the others were not included but could not get a straight answer.

I am a straight forward person and play fairly with everyone, and so am not used to looking for people's motivations, and I feel stuck in the middle. Should I tell my friend about it or not?
Any suggestions?

[wheresthelight]

How old are the girls and what does your dd think about it all

[AlternativeTentacles]

Right- so a girl is bullying another and you wont let the bullied girl have time with your daughter and want to tell the bully's mother?

How is this playing fair with the girl who is being bullied?

[Heartofgold25]

The girls are all ten years old, my dd also feels stuck in the middle between both girls and she plays with both of them. I think she is just as worried about it.
I really don't think it is bullying ~ just vying for attention between the girls. There has been no obvious bullying actions or nasty words etc. I suppose at a stretch they are taking it in turns isolating each other in turn. But certainly nothing more serious than that. My concern is now that the mothers are involved it is going to become much more tricky, because there is one thing the girls isolating each other from play and it is entirely new thing when the mothers start doing it to someone else's' child.

[wheresthelight]

in which case I wouldn't be saying anything to the mother of the bf but I would perhaps say to friend 2's mum that neither you nor your dd feel comfortable knowing bf has been left out and suggest that sleepover happens atyour house with all the girls so that no one feels left out.

I cam kind of understand why friend 2's mum doesn't want bf there. whilst your dd is still included her dd is being isolated and like it or not that is bullying however low level you feel it is and she will be in momma bear mode and wanting to protect her dd and encourage the friendships that are still working for her dd.

[Heartofgold25]

That is a totally brilliant suggestion Wheresthelight thank you so much.

I am definitely going to speak to her. I also agree completely with your last paragraph, friend 2's mother is simply looking after her dd's best interests, without perhaps considering the consequences (or maybe has considered them but doesn't care too much given her current feeling) I feel I am walking on a tight rope as I don't wish to upset either side, as we like them both.
So tricky all of this! Who would have known having children was going to be so exhausting requiring all UN level diplomacy. I know my problem is such a small one, and thank you for taking the time to suggest such a good idea and hopefully a solution. Wish me like with tiger Mum!!

[wheresthelight]

Haha it is indeed a minefield! I dreading my dd getting to that age where it all becomes complicated. luckily I do an awful lot of voluntary work with girls your dd's age and have spent much of the last 19 years (dear God I feel old putting that I am only 35 honest) dealing with fall outs such as you describe and having to navigate parents in protection mode and those in defense mode. I am hoping it stands me in good stead but I suspect not

good luck and have some and to help you on your way