How to help siblings through changes that puberty brings

[shebird]

I am very concerned about the deteriorating relationship between my DDs aged 11 and 8. Up to now they have got along ok with the odd spat,but now there are constant arguments with me playing a rather frazzled referee.

DD1 is coping pretty well with all the changes that are happening to her physically and emotionally, apart from the odd short lived strop and occasional tears. She does have a short fuse when it comes to her little sister who also knows exactly which buttons to press.

DD2 is struggling with the fact that her sister is growing up and getting more freedom. This means I am constantly dealing with the 'it's so unfair' thing, and I cannot seem to reason with her. She then takes her jealousy out on big sister.

The arguments are exhausting and I hate all the strops and shouting.

I would love to hear from anyone out there who has experienced this and perhaps can offer some advice on how to bring some calm to my home.TIA

[Notexactlymarthastewart]

Sorry, in a very similar position with DD11 and DS8 so hoping someone else comes along with some helpful ideas!!!

DD can reduce DS to tears with mean remarks/shouting but he knows just how to wind her up too...

[shebird]

Glad to hear I am not alone!

[Heartofgold25]

We have the same problem too. Both are just each provoking the other one pretty much on a loop especially when they are tired. We are taking steps to try and minimise the arguments.

Things that worked for us:

Every time DD1 comes home from school and starts quite deliberately an argument with DD2 I ask her to come out of the room with me, we sit down in private and I ask her why she is feeling so angry. Eventually she will come out with the reason and there almost always a valid and sometimes important reason; something at school, all the usual stresses with friendships etc, we talk about it, I allow her to cry if she needs to, to get the stress out of her system and we hug it out. She always comes back in better and calmer mood, and sometimes she apologises to DD2 for being grumpy. This seems to help avoid particularly after school conflict, as DD1 doesn't always tell me that she has had a bad day but it comes out in this kind of behaviour.

We have now built in time for our dds to have afternoons and days out together each week usually or at the very least every fortnight. When they are having fun together, they stop arguing and remember how much they like to be together. It reminds them that their relationship is just as important as all the others in their lives, and it also seems to keep them close.

We have gone back to time out, sending both to their rooms when they start bickering until they are feeling in a better place, and then they came come back down and join us. I am refuse to live in open war fare.

When one starts the backbiting I ask them to start the conversation again in a different way that isn't going to be goading in nature. We have kept this up religiously, and we get the sighs and eye ball rolling, but then they do revise their words eventually, and the other child is also getting a lesson in how to start a conversation and not an argument.

We ask them if they want a happy gentle family or an aggressive unkind family that argues all the time. They both always choose the first one, because every child wants to live in a happy home even if they are going through emotional moments. We remind them of this choice when they start another argument, I always tell them they are taking us firmly into 'unhappy family' territory and no one wants to be seen to be doing that, so it sometimes works well.

Also I have on some level just accepted some arguments are natural and normal and part of family life. I just go outside and leave them to it if all else fails. One or other usually comes to join me, and we change the subject and the mood by default. If there is no audience then they usually resolve it themselves one way or another without the need for me to referee.

I am not sure any of these tips are particularly helpful, but they have definitely worked for us.

[Heartofgold25]

PS My brother and I fought like cat and dog for our entire childhood with just fifteen months difference in age each wanted to be top dog! After years of refereeing my mother gave up one day, she said fine you can kill each other for all I care I have had enough, I remember it to this day. My brother and I just stared at each other, it didn't stop us arguing but it slowed us down once we realised she really wasn't going to step in. We never did kill each other but it did my mother no harm by simply turning the radio up when we started squabbling! I found our arguments ended much faster without anyone else getting involved, and eventually we learnt to resolve our issues ourselves. The arguing stop and we became the best of friends.

[BackforGood]

You go through periods when you are just wasting your breath "trying to reason with them".

Just agree - 'Yup, life is unfair sometimes' and get on with life.
Make sure you spend time with each of them alone (can just be taking them to activities or something) and that they know you will always do your best for each of them, but that isn't going to be the same for each of them.

[shebird]

Thanks all for some great tips, hopefully I can put some of these into practice. It's just a bit difficult in the heat of the moment when you are rushing to leave for school and there's WW3 going on.
I think DD2 is struggling most as there are lots of changes going on. DD1 is off to secondary school in September, she's getting more independent and wants to spend more time with her friends. Up to now they pretty much did everything together, but things are changing and i guess it's going to take time to adjust to this.
I think it is a great idea to make an effort to spend time together having fun so they remember how to have fun together.

[ssd]

oh god I have this on a constant loop too!