Context: our 11.5 yr old has a device which doesn't allow her direct access to Internet but does allows her to contact a small group of her friends from school in a sort of 'hang-out' situation. (I hope 'hang out' is the right phrase: I am not very savvy when it comes to technology; my dh set this all up.) The important bit is that we know every single child in this group and their parents. The dc in the group are all lovely children.
I regularly read all of their messages to one another, including my dd's messages (this was a previously agreed condition before getting the device) and so far all has been innocent and fun. Messages are usually along the lines of "what's up?" and "what are you doing?" and sending pictures of fluffy cats etc etc.
It has worked well because we live in an expat situation where many of dd's friends are away in their home countries over the holidays, and it is nice for dd (an only child) to be in contact with them at various times; on NY's eve this year, for example, they were all texting one another with greetings from different time zones. It's also been useful for contacting one another wrt arrangements for meet-ups, forgotten hwk, or keeping up with work if off school for any reason etc etc.
Anyway, we've hit a problem. A few of the members of the group have gone on to secondary school. They have started to send some rather rude messages to the younger ones. Nothing too horrible but calling them "babies" , "you are hopeless" "you have no brain, go away" or (the worst one to my dd) "you have no personality, you are nothing, go away". These rude messages have been in response to a mere "hello". Some (mild) swearing went on as well. They've been fairly persistent about it too despite protests from the younger ones and it's all rumbled on for a fortnight or so and escalated in a silly way.
My dd (who admittedly lacks self-confidence and can be a bit over-sensitive and prone to making mountains out of molehills) and another friend (who is normally a bit more resilient) have both been very distraught and upset at this, to the extent they are saying they don't want to follow these girls on to secondary school; despite reassurances from dh and me that it will have all blown over by then, that it's all stuff and nonsense, and advice to ignore it. It's not the words they are upset about as much as what they perceive to be a sort of "sudden betrayal" by people they thought were their friends, and who they liked and looked up to.
The parent of the other friend was so concerned (her usually fairly robust dd cried for 2 hrs about this) that she sent a message to the dc via text message telling everyone to "cool it a bit".
So (finally!!) - and thank you for reading this far - I just really would appreciate any advice and ask what you would do in these circs? So I am a bit more forearmed for the future?
(a) Would you ban use of the device altogether on the grounds that 11 yr olds are too young to use this sort of thing responsibly (which was my gut instinct originally, but I allowed myself to be persuaded)?
(b) Should I just keep tabs on situation and act if it gets worse and allow dd to handle in meantime (which is what I am doing currently). Btw she didn't bring it to my attention when it was happening. I read the texts and discovered it.
(c) Any suggestions on training an 11 yr old to become a bit more robust, self-confident, and therefore not so vulnerable to this sort of thing? (She was really upset about it which wasn't nice to witness.)
(d) Am I just being too PFB about this altogether, it's usual tween stuff, and should I ignore entirely?
Sorry for essay! As parent of 'only' this is a first for me! Just need a handle on how to handle this sort of thing in future. I am certain that this is fairly standard stuff unfortunately and that there will be far worse to cope with in years to come.
Any other insights/advice much appreciated.
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Could some kind experienced parent please advise me about mild bullying via text messages re: 11 yr olds
18 replies
Slowcommotion · 15/01/2015 18:17
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