DD(12) and inappropriate Youtube usage

[LastingLight]

This week we discovered a lot of highly inappropriate stuff - think sex, porn, people urinating and defecating - in DD's youtube history. DH was certain he'd set it up so she couldn't access that kind of thing. Either he was wrong, or she found a way of switching it off. I saw my psychologist yesterday and briefly discussed it with her, she says it is not age appropriate for a 12 year old to be interested in porn and it suggests that she may have been molested or exposed to porn at some point. I doubt very much if she has been molested, I have a bit of history with that personally and I don't see any signs. I feel guilty for not protecting her better but I also feel that she had broken the trust we had in her that she would use her laptop responsibly. She clearly knew very well that what she was looking at was inappropriate and forbidden. Her laptop has been removed with no timeframe for return yet. DH talked to her, but I really think he talked at her and she didn't respond at all. I tried to engage her in a conversation, while being as non-judgemental as I possibly could, but she just shut down and refused to discuss it, apart from saying that she will never do it again. Both DH and I stressed things like how what she saw is not what real life is like at all, how one should have self respect etc etc.

Has this happened with any of your DC? Any tips or advice for where we go from here?

[Whitershadeofpale]

No personal experience but I think your psychologist is wrong and it is fairly common at that age. I know I'd looked at porn around that age and I'd never been abused.

[Everhopeful]

Um, yes, I'd have to agree with whitershadeofpale. My DB left all sorts of mucky mags around (pre-internet days anyway. Come to that, my DParents had a few dicey books around too) and for sure I read them around this age. Did it hurt me? Well, I dunno: I don't think so really. That's not to say I'm against having an age limit on these things though, as I think some will get undesirable ideas from it. You've both stressed how unrealistic this stuff is, which can only be a good thing.

I think she'll have registered that you're not keen on her looking at these things, but did she realise that you would look from time to time? Now that she knows that, I think it's likely she won't use your laptop to do it again. If she goes out of her way to access porn, that might be more interesting, but I really wouldn't make too big a deal of this any longer. It might be simple curiosity about what these functions look like from the outside in any case, which might account for some of the weirder aspects? Might be worth checking that one?

[SqueezyCheeseWeasel]

Not appropriate for a 12 year old to be interested in sex ? what?

With respect, your psychologist is wrong, outdated and needs to be very careful about what they are casually insinuating. I was certainly curious at that age (I am female) and yes, the boys had mags and page 3 and the Miss Mary of Sweden corset section of the Freemans catalogue, pre Internet.

Obviously, yes, age appropriate discussion about what sex is and how unrealistic that stuff etc is needed, but the stuff about 12yo's being interested in sex must have been inappropriately sexualised is totally wrong.

[ContentedSidewinder]

All the things she has looked at are things that happen in private so of course she is curious, and I agree with others, your psychologist is wrong.

Ds1 is 11 and we have had the porn talk, and about how unrealistic it is, I answer all his questions generically, ie not about me and DH, but about what other people may or may not engage in. I have also talked to him about films and why they have ratings to protect children from seeing adult content.

I was raised by a Catholic Mum so we never talked about sex and as I went to Catholic schools they skirted round the issue as best they could. I didn't want that for my sons.

Both my sons have a laptop each, they are 11 and 8. But it is locked down, we use Microsoft Family Safety. Dh is in IT.

They have access to their school website for homework, mathletics, cbbc, but if they try to access another site it blocks it but will allow a parent to put a password in to allow them onto that site.

The problem with YouTube is it's the good and the bad. There are some incredible videos on there but also the weird, strange and downright creepy. With Microsoft Family Safety you can lock YouTube so that she would need you to input a password for every video she accesses.

So if you can use the Microsoft thing then do, you can look at what she has been on website wise and how long she has been on each one (we use it to check the children have done the required amount of minutes for Mathletics)

[jeee]

I might rethink your psychologist - I think they're so wrong about this that I'd be worried about what else they're wrong about.

And I think removing the laptop is a sensible precaution. Has she got a smart phone and do you need to look at this too?

[LastingLight]

Thank you for all your input. I have talked to DD about sex, the difference between what you see online and what real life is like, respect for your own and other people's bodies etc. in age appropriate ways her whole life.

She doesn't have a smartphone and won't get one in a hurry, partly because of the stupid things kids get up to with smartphones and partly because she is extremely scatterbrained and highly likely to lose it.

She will get her laptop back next week, but only for 30min a day and that at the dining room table, not shut away in her room.