How do you talk to 12 yo d about getting bra/starting periods when she refuses to talk!

(17 Posts)
Everard Wed 09-Jul-14 19:41:55

My dd was the same, especially when it came to bras. She still is, in fact (aged 14). She simply wouldn't go to be fitted for a bra. Initially, I left it - reckoning embarrassment getting changed for PE would drive her to do something about it. Then we went and bought non-fitted teen bras from M&S. When she outgrew those, she still wouldn't be measured and I just had to relax over the issue. After all, I don't think I was ever measured for a bra until well into adulthood. So, on a good day, we went shopping together, I guessed her size, she tried on a few and found one to fit and I bought loads that size. Since then, she has bought them alone. I've no idea if they fit.

Re periods, I don't really see what there is to be said, as long as you know she knows they are coming. School covers the topic quite well these days. I just bought a whole lot of pads, and when she started (she did tell me that first time!) I showed her where they were and how to handle their disposal. She has never mentioned them since, just gets on by herself.

pollycazalet Wed 09-Jul-14 19:35:07

My DD sometimes doesn't respond when I try and raise stuff out of the blue in a kind of 'we need to have a chat' way but is more receptive when we've spent some time together - for eg having tea and cake after a shopping trip. Agree that books are great for kids to access the info when they are ready. Don't forget they do loads at school on this too.

KiaOraOAotearoa Wed 09-Jul-14 19:28:43

Give her one of these, one of these and one of those, just leave them on the bed?

deadwithoutsugar Wed 09-Jul-14 19:17:41

You know you should just leave her for a while and keep calm she might feel she does'nt need one yet so I know about this because my dd is getting to that age too so don't force her and when she will need a peptalk she will come to you.

Trillions Sat 28-Jun-14 17:29:17

I never spoke to my mum about this stuff! I'd have been mortified. I had a book called Have You Started Yet? that told me everything I needed to know (shows age) and I went into town with my best friend to buy our first bras together from M&S. Make sure she's well-informed, give her some cash to get what she wants and leave her to it.

slightlyinsane Sat 28-Jun-14 17:17:02

I remember being 11 and starting my periods whilst on holiday. My mum had never had a conversation with me about them and my knowledge had been gained from listening to friends who were a couple of yrs older. So give yourself a break, you've given her some information so she doesn't panic when the time comes. As pps have said get her some supplies in and tell her what you've got and you're there if she needs to talk. As for bras getting a couple for her to try in private is a fantastic idea, once you know size take her shopping maybe with a friend and let her go off and choose some herself.
It's a really difficult time for a teenage girl, it's attime in my life I won't ever forget thanks to my mum's complete lack of interest and honesty. There is such a fine line between them thinking you're interfering and not showing enough interest. Aslong as your dd knows you're there to talk to and give advice I'd back off a little while she learns to deal with her thoughts and feelings about it all.

AndreaTwo Sat 28-Jun-14 16:25:54

My mum bought me my first bras as a surprise birthday present and said something like " I thought you might be wanting one of these soon". I was a bit of a tomboy and in denial about my gradually changing shape so it was a few months before I did start to wear one, but at least I had one when running around without started to become too uncomfortable.

Unfortunately we weren't so prepared when it came to my first period so I had to borrow one of mums towels until she could buy me some of my own. I agree with the other suggestions, don't make a big thing of it but buy her some towels and tell her where they are for when she needs them. A discreet pencil case or something to keep one in her school bag is also a good idea.

MooncupGoddess Sat 28-Jun-14 11:07:47

God, I remember the horror of being taken to be measured for my first bra. I still don't think it was necessary; it would have been much less agonising if I had been allowed to measure myself and my mother had just bought a few for me to try, including sports top ones which seemed less offensive somehow.

Nothing helpful to say really, but I sympathise with your DD!

springlamb Sat 28-Jun-14 10:55:32

Tesco do some very good supportive 'sports bra' things in a pack of two, in the ladies department. Good sturdy straps and coverage. Although DD was happy to be professionally measured and to allow me to spend £££ on pretty bras in Debenhams, it is the Tesco ones that she opts to wear, in their smallest size. She is quite slim so we've ensured they are supportive by machine washing and tumble drying them!
Initially, we bought them for PE days but now she is more comfortable in them everyday. It's been a gradual build up. I can't see her suddenly changing to a polka dot 'lift and separate' job.
After being quite communicative whilst 9/10/11, she also went rather silent on the periods subject as the time grew closer. I ensured she had an ordinary pencil case with spare knickers and towels in her school bag, and showed her the drawer in the bathroom where I keep an assortment of san pro with towels suitable for her.
When she did start, she was very private about it. However, now she's had 4 she's a bit more open about it. I think she has realised that actually there are SOME things in life that Mum is useful for!

WiggleGinger Sat 28-Jun-14 10:41:42

I agree with some of the previous posts about just grabbing a few packs of different towels in varying absorbency ratings and having a basket either in her room or the loo for her ( depends on who else is in the house) perhaps some nappy bags too so she can pop things in a (lidded) bin and know they won't be 'seen'.

She will be relatively wise to what should be happening as its drilled into them through PSHE from age 10. Perhaps (in confidence/ without her knowing / tutor talking directly to your daughter) you could check with school quite what has been taught/ if its coming up again soon, this way you can feel assured that she has a little more detail.

With regards to bras, I remember being bought a bra, it was plain white and quite boring, but it got me through the first growth spurt so perhaps you could jut get her a few,let her try them on at home and then change any that aren't suitable / wrong size.
I think once her friends start to wear bras she will show more interest in them and perhaps ask to get a few more colours/ styles etc.

I understand where you are coming from, but I also know that talking to my mum at 12 about starting my period took my until midnight!!!! She was so cringe worthy about the topic that I just couldn't.
In fact when my sister started, she told me and I told mum. (She asked me to)
Does she have an older cousin she could shop with? Chat to?? This helped me as I have a cousin who a 8 years older than me.
I hope some of my ramblings help.

I really feel for you. She's lucky to have you and for you to be so supportive.

KillmeNow Sat 28-Jun-14 10:33:50

I would just put a couple of different sanitary protection packets on her bed and take a guess at her bra size.

I managed okay wearing my older sisters worn out bras until I bought my own. No drooping here (yet wink)

If she doesn't want to talk that is fine .You know she is aware of the basic facts and will no doubt talk with her friends about their choices. This is fine too.

She may be a bit cross with you about the separation and be afraid of any heart to heart talk with you in case she hears something she doesnt want to hear.

mummaduke Sat 28-Jun-14 10:19:48

For what it's worth, I had almost the opposite problem. I think my mum was too embarrassed to talk to me. As a result, my first bra was a 34C, and it was my dad's GF that bought it!

My boobs are horrendous and saggy now, I'm only 29. I'm sure it's a result of not having decent support when they were growing.

Please confront her on this, no matter how awkward, she will appreciate it one day - even if not in the short term. You have to take the lead here.

Bunbaker Sat 28-Jun-14 10:19:15

My DD won't talk about these things either. I bought some towels and told her where they were when she needed them. When it came to bra buying I measured her (using MN guidelines) and took her to M & S. She wouldn't try the bras on in the shop so we bought the size according to her measurements and they are fine.

She hasn't grown since I bought them over a year ago though sad

MegTheCat Sat 28-Jun-14 10:15:05

I don't have dds but I've been a 12 year old girl. ..I found it incredibly embarrassing to my mum about stuff like that at that age.
Periods: do you need to talk about it if you discussed when she was younger? Just buy her some basic sanitary towels and tell her to ask for more when she needs them.
Bra: measure her and buy one? Suggest if she wants her choice she can come with you to shop next time.

You can tell her things even if she doesn't want to talk to you. You could share your own experience, relay important information. I have a teen ds who won't talk to me and it makes me a bit sad but we get by.

Could you find some leaflets/books and leave them for her to read when she's alone? I remember being terribly embarrassed about getting my first bra, maybe you could arrange a girly day out, nice lunch etc then 'happen' to come across a bra shop? if she's feeling nice and relaxed she might be more open to the idea. good luck!

magpiegin Sat 28-Jun-14 10:06:41

It's a tough one, I know as a teen I did not want to talk about these things with my mum. Could you buy some sanitary towels and leave them on her bed, or tell her that if she doesn't want to talk you can increase her pocket money so she can buy her own? I would also make a guess at bra size and buy her a couple? Hopefully she'll open up in time.

treehugger56 Sat 28-Jun-14 09:58:03

Any advice please! My d was very open about periods when she was younger so thought I'd have no problem.Now she completely refuses to discuss it and now needs a bra but refuses to go out and get one. Having real problems talking to her oh and me and dad have recently separated so this is obviously affecting her - desperate please help!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now