12/13 year old is killing us!

(16 Posts)
proudmama2772 Mon 23-Jun-14 21:54:10

Everyone tells you 12 year old girls are hormonal and difficult. 'It's normal.' I am now in counseling with my daughter - not really sure how much it is going to help. Despite trying everything I can't control her behaviour.

Basically since about age 11 we are finding life with a pre-pubescent extremely taxing. More difficult than life with a 2-year-old. When she gets angry and says something disrespectful I will attempt to take away her phone. She then tries to grab it back and then has taken my phone and run outside with it. She will stalk me around the house when she knows I am trying to remain calm. She slams doors in front of us. She gives us evil wicked looks almost all the time.

We were late for school one morning last year and I told her I had to drop off her two younger siblings first and she freaked out and would barely let me get them ready for school. She wouldn't let it go. 45 minutes of hell.

Its been a year and half now that we get to the end of a weekend and realize that there has been little positive family time at all. I quit my job. I missed two days of work because I felt like I was having a breakdown over it- something I have never done in my entire life - and recently decided the stress of work and kids wasn't worth it. Fortunately we can survive without me working.

I went to her GP and he made referral for counseling that was eventually rejected based on selection criteria, so we are paying private. I'm not sure the counselor gets it. How bad it is.

Its gotten a little better with my husband taking on more of a disciplinarian role with me just trying to talk to her - reach her - because she hates me so thoroughly.

twentyten Mon 23-Jun-14 22:02:30

You poor thing. No advice- completely out of my experience. But look after yourself. You must feel so low. Make sure you get time for you.thanks

proudmama2772 Mon 23-Jun-14 22:15:46

thanks twentyten. We're wracking our brains where we went wrong - where we are going wrong. We're basically trying the grounded until your behaviour changes approach now.

She thinks I've got her Dad against her now, and granny against her. All her anger is directed at me - mum.

twentyten Mon 23-Jun-14 22:19:44

Are you having counselling? You must loom after yourselfwine

twentyten Mon 23-Jun-14 22:39:19

Look evengrin

LastingLight Tue 24-Jun-14 09:47:05

My 12 year old dd is not (yet) quite that difficult but what I do find is that her behaviour really improves if I spend quality time with her. It's difficult to do when you fight all the time and frankly feel negative towards the child but it does bring rewards. Is there something she particularly likes to do or is interested in? Is it something you can do with her?

Pick your battles. Ignore dirty looks. Decide what your absolute non-negotiables are and stand firm on those. Ignore the rest, you can always work on that once the basics are in place.

Does she have any special privileges because she is the eldest? And some responsibilities?

proudmama2772 Tue 24-Jun-14 13:19:15

Thanks for the advice.

For a long time - nearly a year and half- she would barely talk to me, but recently with the counselling she will share a little. Yesterday we talked about some of her friends - it felt like progress.

Then we had a bad episode last night. Basically we had a deal she would do some homework and she refused. She refused and started getting lippy and I told her to give me her phone. She refused so we grounded her for the weekend. At one point she shoved me.

Now she hates me again and is not speaking to us. Part of the problem is she knows she's got us over a barrel - but part of it she actually has real issues that are making it extremely difficult for her to check herself.

When you get into the spot we are in you really are digging - clawing - yourself out of a hole.

I was just speaking to my husband and said I wish I could get at the root of what is causing her behaviour -

-have I damaged her by yelling and stressing - hubby and I had relationships issues right before she started breaking dow
- is it it purely hormonal
-have I damaged her by not being strict enough

Then at least something I do to address it will stop it. I can't stop her anger.

Meglet Tue 24-Jun-14 13:30:43

How is she at school? I was a nightmare during my teenage years. Constant meltdowns, no one could cope with me etc. Nothing ever came of the counselling I had in those days but I recently got a diagnosis of ASD at the grand old age of 40. It's something you might want to consider, even if it's just to rule it out. Females with ASD often implode when they're teens.

proudmama2772 Tue 24-Jun-14 13:50:01

So this is Autism Spectrum Disorder? Do you ever have sensory issues like

my daughter has an aversion to metal.
she had never been able to handle make-up on her face
she had selective mutism when she was younger.

How did you get diagnosed?

proudmama2772 Tue 24-Jun-14 13:52:47

She's ok at school. A little insecure and she then tries to overcompensate by being excessivly silly.

Academically she's fine - good at math.

Shropshirelass1 Thu 26-Jun-14 19:22:05

My 12 year Dd much the same as are most of my friends dd, although well behaved when they stay at other peoples houses.mine is only nice to me when I take her shopping, so much so it's become a joke between us because I made her do a pinky swear at the til in primarkthat she would be nice to me for a week....she was totally vile yesterday and she reminded me the week had expired........try not to worry too much as your are certainly not alone, my only target some days is not to throttle her for being so rude and teenagery

Shropshirelass1 Sun 29-Jun-14 11:09:58

.....on the autism front, I have an autistic child as well and they are very different.hers is hormonal irrational teenagery stuff and his world is very relaxing as long as all the rules are followed re clothes,sounds,routines etc, he is a very easy person to be with because he says exactly what the problem is and once you've solved it he's very grateful,it is very black or white. With the hormonal teenager I often can't do a thing right and the tape keeps moving.i am not saying it is or isn't autism with your dd just that the handling of it is very different. Perhaps you could get her screened for AUtism and then at least you with have some clarification which might help you with handling dd.

foxdongle Mon 14-Jul-14 22:53:54

Hi our DD12 and a half has been steadily getting worse over the year. She's a lovely girl, but been so difficult this year. Her periods started a couple of months ago.
She shouts at us, is late then doesn't answer her phone, also rude and demanding.
We think we have given her a bit too much freedom, so now we are reining that in for a while, because she is not really behaving well enough to deserve it. We hate being too strict, but I think we have to be for a while for her sake.
I think what lastinglight said is true about doing things together, it seems to bring out the best in our DD, when we can pin her down!

stargirl1701 Mon 14-Jul-14 22:59:05

Is there an older cousin/ young aunt who could help? I was able to mediate some issues for my younger cousin and my aunt. She seemed to be more prepared to listen to me than her mum. Closer age gap? We had days out together where she could talk. It seemed to help.

Seriouslyffs Mon 14-Jul-14 23:04:48

You sound waaaaay too strict.
An incident a year ago that made you 45 minued late and dirty looks hmm
Be the bigger person. Pick your battles. Spend some time with her- love bomb if you can read up on it.

proudmama2772 Wed 16-Jul-14 19:38:41

stargirl1701 -

thanks for that. Since I originally posted, I've been into see a pastoral lead at her school and that has worked wonders. The counseling has helped as well. I'm realizing that it takes another adult - use them like an agent - to help you reach an angry teen like ours. She loves this lady so I literally talked to my daughter through her.

I was trying to get her to agree let me monitor her facebook - i know it sounds ridiculous that I can't get her to let me have her password - and the teacher easily talked her into agreeing. Told her she would check with her the next day. Since this and 5 counseling sessions we haven't had any half a day tirades.

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