DS 12 SEEMS LIKE TYPICAL BEHAVIOUR BUT CONCERN COULD BE SOMETHING MORE

[piginpoo]

Just came on here to post about DS challenging behaviour & see lots of similar threads so it may just be typical behaviour but I am concerned there may be something more - how do you know - sorry this is long.

DS is a lovely caring happy friendly boy when things are ok with him & at school but at home most of the time his behaviour is becoming more & more challenging.

His recent patterns which seem typical are hates school, waste of time, teachers are stupid, wants to be home schooled, doesn't want to do anything with family unless there's something in it for him otherwise its all a waste of time, thinks everything revolves around him & will annoy & irritate if he has to do something he doesnt want to until it becomes unbearable for everyone else.

He is also extremely jealous of Dsis when in negative mood, makes spiteful comments to her which i think is emotional bullying, says she's ruined his life, annoys & irritates her til she's screaming at him but finds this funny.

He is constantly kicking football , throwing ball, riding skateboard around house despite being told not to numerous times and having screens taken away - next day back to the same.

Constant use of bad language & offensive comments to the point I'm wondering if he has Tourettes (he has had uncontrollable facial movements in the past) as he doesn't seem to be aware of how much he is doing this and what he is saying.

He is particularly good at sports but asking to go in B team rather than A team, not taking up opportunity to play in school hockey team even though specifically asked, given up on outside football team & probably going to give up on outside cricket team ( he is a talented left handed bowler) - will find numerous reasons not to go and it is always a battle to get him there. He is also good at art.

He has been educationally assessed and is mildly dyslexic, has extremely good verbal reasoning skills but poor memory recall skills which are at odds to each other. He is doing ok at school although rushes to get everything done with little care on presentation, spelling, grammer etc although content is good.

My concerns that there maybe something more are he is extremely anxious of new situations or places - holidays are always in the same place more out of habit but also easier on DS. Doesnt like noisy or overcrowded places. Is afraid of the dark and has trouble getting to sleep unless background noise. He currently sleeps in the room with me and has done so for a while as doesnt like being on his own. Has a routine of tucking trousers into socks, curtains & doors have to be closed a certain way, has to take his pillow everywhere - has to have his back rubbed to get to sleep if overly stressed.

When he was younger he used to spend hours lining toys up - soldiers, bricks, threading buttons & beads etc.

I have been prompted on here after a particularly challenging day yesterday -a haircut which wasnt as he wanted it occupied most of the afternoon - DH even offered to take him somewhere else to get it recut. And then at bedtime he has been giving a lead part in school play & has 2 weeks to learn his lines but wants us to email school saying he doesnt want to do it, book dentist for day, be ill anything not to do it and he will go on & on about it

I can see that he has a lot of "fear" - i have bought several books recommended on here to try & help and have spent many hours trying to listen and suggest alternatives for him - but I am now at the point where I am wondering if he needs more help than I can give him.

Thank you for reading if you've got here!

[alex7149]

How old is he?

The initial stuff could be normal for a child whose nearing puberty- say 11 or 12, though it's possible he could have tourettes.

The stuff about sleeping sounds more like a child under 8... and if he is over that he must start learning to sleep alone.

A lot of this stuff is normal, but all of it together sounds like a child who is craving some control in his life- is he being bullied? Maybe that's why he doesn't want to do sports and the play as he is targeted more when he is interacting with others? If not then some of it could indicate mild autism or ADHD, it's probably not, but it's worth raising your concerns with the GP and the school.

[alex7149]

oops just read that he is 12.

[LaMamita]

Here you mention tons of things he does not want/like and others he does. In his 12 yr old way he is communicating sound and clear information.

First, everyone communicates information in the way the environment allows them to. For example, I am pretty sure he does not kick, scream, challenge etc teachers at school or people in other places. His behavior at home is taking place because for some reason he thinks he can get away with it (=making you miserable).
Is never too late to modify and stop unacceptable behavior at home.

Second, he does not want to engage or spend his time with school coaches, teams, teachers (school population) which means he does not like that environment. He does not like crowds or noisy places (school fills that description)

Third, he says he wants to be homeschooled and is jealous of sister which means he would not mind spending more time at home and with family and getting more attention/time from you and dad.

Forth, since he is not getting what he wants from you he is in the business of making your time with him miserable (sabotaging your approaches and just being a rebel), he's punishing you.

Think about this, you would do the same if you hated your days in your jobs and your husband forced you to go to work when all you wanted was more time with him. You'd come home with a bad attitude knowing you won't get what you want. Everything he offered besides what you want would be a great opportunity to piss him off... make him pay...

This is not to say 12 yr olds get to decide how family is run... just an idea of where he might be coming from for you to plan your response. ADD, ADHD, dyslexia (which my son has), etc... may help understand some behaviors but rarely behaviors he chooses to have not all the time but in some places. Meaning, kids know how to manipulate us parents... I have been a victim of that too and a perpetrator as a child ;)

Enjoy your clever 12yr old... he'll be a man sooner than you can imagine. God bless.

[LaMamita]

Here you mention tons of things he does not want/like and others he does. In his 12 yr old way he is communicating sound and clear information.

First, everyone communicates information in the way the environment allows them to. For example, I am pretty sure he does not kick, scream, challenge etc teachers at school or people in other places. His behavior at home is taking place because for some reason he thinks he can get away with it (=making you miserable).
Is never too late to modify and stop unacceptable behavior at home.

Second, he does not want to engage or spend his time with school coaches, teams, teachers (school population) which means he does not like that environment. He does not like crowds or noisy places (school fills that description)

Third, he says he wants to be homeschooled and is jealous of sister which means he would not mind spending more time at home and with family and getting more attention/time from you and dad.

Forth, since he is not getting what he wants from you he is in the business of making your time with him miserable (sabotaging your approaches and just being a rebel), he's punishing you.

Think about this, you would do the same if you hated your days in your jobs and your husband forced you to go to work when all you wanted was more time with him. You'd come home with a bad attitude knowing you won't get what you want. Everything he offered besides what you want would be a great opportunity to piss him off... make him pay...

This is not to say 12 yr olds get to decide how family is run... just an idea of where he might be coming from for you to plan your response. ADD, ADHD, dyslexia (which my son has), etc... may help understand some behaviors but rarely behaviors he chooses to have not all the time but in some places. Meaning, kids know how to manipulate us parents... I have been a victim of that too and a perpetrator as a child ;)

Enjoy your clever 12yr old... he'll be a man sooner than you can imagine. God bless.