DS 10 his glass is always half empty (or worse)

[duracellmummy]

Lone parent
DS10 has always had a temper and been quite negative even though DD2 and 3 and I are pretty upbeat people and DD1 quite a level person who manages to enjoy most of what we do.

DS though he can be delightful and thoughtful but he just isn't most of the time. Agrees to plans for the day then sulks and gripes all the time. Always moaning, always beating up on his sisters and me, very defiant.

we limit screen times at home because too much screen makes his attitude and behaviour worse however he will just sit around and moan and complain. He's a great reader and has always been able to escape into a book but he just won't now. His lego is his pride and joy but he won't go and create or play.

we've only had 3 days since school broke up and i am already wondering how we are all going to cope.

I truly admire how he has coped with lots in his life, he can be kind and is great fun when he wants to be...he just doesn;t want to be. unless he is on a screen (1 hour per day in the hold, 25 mins term times) he's miserable.

Any help?? What can I do to help him embrace life?

[gottasmile]

Hi, I'm going through the same with ds (10). I actually did the glass half full/empty experiment to test him! (He said full, which proves to me it doesn't work!)

I'm sorry I don't have anything constructive to say, but wanted to let you know that you're not alone and I'll be watching this thread with interest.

I hope you get some helpful advice.

[Misiecle]

Me too and hoping for tips; have retreated early to bed, worn down by DS1 and the negativity; the emotional heavy lifting when things don't turn out his way (the lack of fish fingers for tea; the fact I made him come off the XBox, the fact he has to share his life with his siblings) - he has been in meltdown or near meltdown every day for as long as I can remember. Banning things, reasoning, love-bombing, reassuring him, telling him I love you, building in special time, getting cross - nothing much works, except perhaps ignoring until he comes round - I'm pretty good at ignoring the worst of the behaviour, setting boundaries etc but tonight, after a full day of the emotional blackmail and the whining and the apologies and the "you dont love me"s and the "why are you so disappointed in me"s and the making up and the endless cycle going round and round I have had enough. I have never posted on a behaviour board before; please tell me it will get better.

[neolara]

I've just downloaded Learned Optimism which promises to show how you can teach your kids to be optimistic. I haven't got to that part yet but the author is a very well respected psychologist so I imagine it will be interesting.

[OddFodd]

What to do when you grumble too much by Dawn Hueber was recommended to me on the SN board. It's not aimed particularly at kids with SN but its basically a CBT workbook abouy overcoming negativity. I can't recommend it highly enough

[duracellmummy]

thanks all...well at least we know we are not alone!!

a bit of reading when I get a chance then and maybe we can encourage one-another to keep on going?

Some small encouragement might be that I was a thoroughly miserable child and felt totally invisible but I did come round...maybe our lovely DCs will do the same??? (fingers crossed along with every other part of my anatomy)

It is sooo wearing though. I work and save very hard just to do small nice things as treats (eg a bowling game) and I know he does not have as much stuff or do the exciting things his friends appear to...but surely this should not define happiness.

[Poopoopeedooo]

Ah yes, I too have one of these....DS 8 yrs going on 16. I´ve felt like the mother of a grumpy teenager since he was 3!
DS2 is all sunshine and light which almost seems to perpetuate the behaviour in DS1.
It really sometimes gets me down too. The are days when I feel he ruins the whole family dynamic completely. On the odd occasion he goes off for a sleepover, it´s like a big cloud has lifted and the sun comes out. It makes me so sad and frustrated and worried for his future chances of happiness. I love him dearly yet many are the days when I find it hard to actually LIKE him. :(
Watching too for tips and will check out the recommended reading.

[gottasmile]

Just coming back to this. I can identify with everything that's been written so far - especially the sun coming out when ds is not there.

"DS2 is all sunshine and light which almost seems to perpetuate the behaviour in DS1." This I can definitely relate to.


I got a glimpse of his lovely nature the other day and it made me so happy! It was the first time in ages that dd was away and we were alone together for the morning. So one on one time definitely helped! But it only lasted one day.

He doesn't want to come out on family days out, not even to go out for a meal. He just moans and complains and picks fights with his sister the WHOLE time. I'm at the point where I want to leave him at home so we can enjoy our time out even though I feel so sad about this.

I don't think it has anything to do with how much "stuff" they have. Ds has a lot of things that he's asked for, and I often think maybe that's the problem! He's even grumpy when his friends come over because they want to actually play and all he wants to do is computer stuff. I'm worried about him only caring about super mario and having no other interests.

For ds I know that too much screen time makes him much worse. It's so hard, but we've now limited it a bit more, but it's still not enough for my liking. We've also made his bed time earlier, which he is not happy about, but he seems to understand that he's someone who needs more sleep.

I'll definitely be reading some of the above ^ We still have a long way to go and I really want him to be more positive and happy!

[CeliaFate]

I'm sorry you're all going through this, but just wanted to say THANK GOD FOR THIS THREAD!
Ds has gone into total meltdown tonight. Everyone "hates him", he's "unpopular, an idiot, invisible, stupid".
He's sobbed and sobbed because he bumped his leg, almost to the point of a panic attack.
I have ordered "What to do when you grumble too much" in the hope that he can recognise that this Eeyore behaviour is as damaging to him as to everyone else.

[NationMcKinley]

My 7 year old DS is just like this. It drives me insane! He too has two younger brothers and sometimes I think he would have been happier without siblings. I've recently started getting him to consider different scenarios in his head and considering the consequences of his flying-off-the-handle-screechy-rages. For example, he often has a melt down before bed over some perceived slight such as his middle brother having slightly more toothpaste . I have to get in their super quick, before he really gets going, but getting him to consider the effects of a tantrum (everyone stressed, everyone upset, punishments) before he has it, seems to defuse it. (Hope that makes sense). At other times, going and sitting on his bed with a book often helps him "reboot" iyswim. I do appreciate that he's quite a bit younger than your DS, though, OP.

Honestly, I feel like I could work for the UN sometimes, this parenting lark can be bloody exhausting .

[duracellmummy]

welcome all!
I am still wondering what to do with DS....but at least I feel among friends!!

[Basketofchocolate]

Your children sound just like my mother.

I could go the same except I'm determined not to turn out like her!

I have no answers...originally clicked through as DS has a book How Full is Your Bucket? about filling up the bucket of happiness, for yourself and others. There are two levels of the book I think - for young children and older ones.

A friend of mine is very wise and reminds me that no one said humans are supposed to be happy and optimistic all the time. That's true I think, but we often led to believe we should be.

As a child I had a lot to deal with and was prob grumpy a lot but was saved perhaps by having extended family to escape to and chat to - different from parents. Sometimes siblings can certainly make things worse when personalities clash. My sister is particularly annoying when she seems 'happy' all the time but mostly it's cos she hasn't noticed what is going on around her.

[Poopoopeedooo]

Hi again.
Funny how these kids of ours seem so similar- I wonder if there is some sort of "negativity syndrome" or something- a lack of happiness neurotransmitters or similar!! Interesting that most seem to be posting about male children too!
Mine is also terribly obsessive about screens- computers/phones/TV ... When he's on one he's happy, contented and quiet and when he isn't, it takes him hours of whining and nagging and pleading to use one again until he will eventually possibly find something else to do that doesn't involve being a beast to adoring younger brother!
It's like he's addicted- he goes through serious screen- withdrawal and the more he's been "using" , the worse he is!!! Like heroine or something!! If we cut it down his behaviour is definitely better. School holidays make me lose the will to live, frankly !
And thanks all- SO nice to hear similar stories

[Poopoopeedooo]

Just out of interest- how do your "challenging children" perform academically? Mine is pretty bright - finds school work very easy although sometimes lazy and careless as he's more interested in being the fastest to finish than getting everything dead right !

[CeliaFate]

That's exactly what ds is like Poopoopeedooo.

[NationMcKinley]

Yup, Poop that is a very accurate description of my DS. He's also very articulate, sociable and nosy

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

You cannot make someone feel ok.

However, IMO and as the mum of an 11 yr old DS and 9 yr old DS, they need exercise, almost like a dog(!), ie 1-2 hours a day preferably outside. We often go for walks, boring wet muddy walks, they always come home happy though!

Excercise is key, we do masses of sports and also go for walks/swimming. Aim for 1-2 hrs of physical activity.

Having a dog has been amazing for them too. ( but not doable for everything), you cannot be grumpy if a dog wags its tail just because you are there.

But seriously, get very active!

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

And bedtimes! 8:30 lights out

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

And special 1-2-1 time, at least 10 mins a day .

That's it, will shut up now

[Poopoopeedooo]

Thanks for those suggestions, Fiscal. Unfortunately exercise does not put him in a good mood- yes we HAVE to leave the house and do SOMETHING outdoorsy or he's even worse than the norm, but I wouldn't say an entire day spent physically exerting himself brings about a massive change. One on one time can be great and he can be lovely during those moments but within seconds of it being over, he's straight back to the negativity- it almost makes you feel it was pointless (although I do tell myself that it must be at least forming some good memories and having SOME sort of longterm positive effect!)
Negative feedback or "consequences" ( I've tried to stop using the word "punishment" ) also seem to make things worse- rather than helping him learn from his mistakes he just feels victimized, unloved and justified in being negative and defiant.... Sometimes I think I should try not telling him off but it's impossible when DS2 bears the brunt of the abuse or when he's rude or disrespectful to me or DH. Aaarrgghh ! Hurry up, Amazon, and deliver that grumpy book!
Anyone have any more suggestions ?

[Poopoopeedooo]

Oh PS- he has guinea pigs and is unusually gentle and affectionate towards them compared to other boys his age- quite baffling ! So yes, pets are probably a good one provided there are no underlying psychopathic tendencies!

[Starlingsintheslipstream]

This is a really interesting and timely thread. I feel simply wrung out after another day with ds1. I will definitely check out some of the reading recommendations. I joke that ds is less a glass half empty person than a "why have they got more in their glass than me" one. .

He can be really funny and has a great imagination. He is kind to friends and popular with his peers, just not so popular in his own household as he can be negative, aggressive and, yes, would happily play on the computer all day every day. Of my three he is the child I worry about most.

[Poopoopeedooo]

Another question for the lot of yer : are your Challenging Offspring firstborns too or has it got nothing to do with birth order?

[Poopoopeedooo]

Welcome to the Challenged Parents Club Starlings