DS and porn

(11 Posts)
NoMoreDoormat Mon 04-Nov-13 10:52:15

Hi, I don't post very often here but I am at a complete loss and could really do with some advice. My ds is 12 and at the moment I'm really struggling with him. This time last year I discovered he was watching porn on his net book. I talked to him about it and took it away from him. Gradually he earned it back but went straight back to watching porn so it was removed completely. I admit it was probably my fault for not having parental control on it but I'm a bit of a technophobe and didn't know how to do that.

So, net book was completely removed from him and then one day I decided to look through his phone and what do I find only lots of porn downloaded. As far as I was aware he only used the phone as an alarm for school, he didn't seem bothered with it at all so I was completely shocked. I didn't even realise his phone was capable of this as it was just a cheapie I'd got him so his dad could contact him. So I took his phone and disabled all internet access on it. It can now be used only for calls and texts.

I told his dad what was going on at this stage. I was pretty hysterical tbh, this was hardcore porn he was watching and he seemed addicted to it. Anyway, the next time he was with his dad for the weekend he had a serious chat with him. Told him porn wasn't real life and that he shouldn't be watching it as that's not what love and sex were about. I then had a chat with ds, along the same lines. I asked him when he felt the need to be watching this all the time but all he could say was 'I don't know' over and over again.

That was all a few months ago and I thought we'd got through to him. Roll on this morning, I don't know what made me do it but I switched on his xbox. I had no idea there was a browser on that, I thought it was just for gaming. Lo and behold what do I find only that the history is full of porn. I have no idea how to get the dates up on the history but I presume it's recently. All that's in the history is porn, nothing else. I feel sick, I really do. I've sat and cried for the last 20 minutes and now I'm just angry. So angry. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. What is wrong with my son? This isn't normal and to be totally honest I think I've had enough of him. The way I'm feeling right now I want to pack his bags and send him to live with his dad. I honestly don't want to look at him and I'm dreading him coming home from school because I know for a fact I'll get no answers from him and I'll just lose my temper and shout. I'm at the end of my tether here. He's 12!!

Please help

SundaySimmons Mon 04-Nov-13 21:15:42

Hi, hope you are ok.

What is normal? Please don't compare your son to what you think is normal or isn't.

Please try and keep calm, I understand that you are upset. Years ago, boys sometimes had access to their dads or granddads stash of porn magazines, today they can access it through the Internet!

When I was 12 I had access to the library and read Harold Robbins and as you can see from my user name, jackie Collins books. I also read many other books describing sexual scenes.

However, the fact that this is hardcore visual porn, it sounds to me that your son has an addiction. Porn does that. The more you watch, the more you need to watch it.

If you don't watch porn yourself, then you are not going to understand why your son watches it and will just be angry at him. As understandable as your natural reaction is, this will not help your son. Please don't make him think there is something wrong with him. It is the addiction that needs to be treated.

He could just as well be addicted to smoking. Addiction is a terrible condition and I hope this doesn't upset you further, but your son could be masturbating to an extent which is causing him physical problems such as soreness or emotional distress at not being able to stop.

I suggest you visit your GP with your ex or on your own and get some advice. You may then be asked to take your son to see them or they may send him to a family psychiatrist or similar who will give your son help and support.

Your son needs help, not harsh words, although I fully understand your distress.

He isn't a sex fiend, he is addicted to watching these images and he can be helped.

I will google some info for you.

Hope you are ok.

SundaySimmons Mon 04-Nov-13 21:23:10

First of all read this

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2132342/How-internet-porn-turned-beautiful-boy-hollow-self-hating-shell.html

This lady had an 11 year old son and tells of the problems of his addiction. Thankfully he is sorted out now. You and your family are not alone. X

I want you to read it so that you don't feel ashamed of your son or angry with him. He is a victim. The article quite rightly points out that many of us parents will keep looking at stuff on the Internet, children are susceptible too. And it's much harder doe a child to understand they have an addiction.

Do not beat yourself up over this either, what's been done has been done and blaming yourself is not going to get you anywhere and your focus needs to be 100% on helping your boy.

SundaySimmons Mon 04-Nov-13 21:32:25

Do start with your GP.

Claire Perry is the MP who is trying to help protect children when they use the Internet.

www.claireperry.org.uk/what-i-do/campaigns/online-child-protection/127

She may not be your MP but she may be able to give you info and where to go for help.

I cannot reiterate enough that this is not your son being naughty in defying you or that he is not normal. He needs your help. You will need to remove anything that can lead to him being unsupervised on the Internet. That includes going round to friends houses and yes, it will be tough for a bit but you are supporting your son.

Your son will be ok. He just needs help and support and so do you as you cannot 'cure' your son of an addiction by yourself.

Best wishes xxx

SweetSkull Mon 04-Nov-13 21:40:12

Lovely posts Sunday
I do hope that the OP and her son get the help they need and get trough this once and for all.
The dad sounds supportive and it is a relief.

SundaySimmons Mon 04-Nov-13 21:51:19

Yes, it's good to read that the dad is supportive.

The NSPCC are also very helpful

www.nspcc.org.uk/news-and-views/media-centre/press-releases/2013/13-02-05-NSPCC-warns-of-esafety-timebomb/NSPCC-warns-of-esafety-timebomb_wdn94135.html

Contact them here

Parents with concerns can contact trained NSPCC helpline counsellors for 24/7 help, advice and support on 0808 800 5000. ChildLine is available on 0800 1111 and online for children and young people. It's the UK's only free and confidential 24-hour helpline for children and young people. Trained volunteer counsellors comfort, advise and protect children and young people aged 18 and under. No problem is too big or too small.

NoMoreDoormat Tue 05-Nov-13 12:00:03

Sunday, thank you so much for your posts, i will certainly read those links. I know it's normal to be curious about sex but I think it was just his age that shocked me. I wasn't expecting this for another few years!!

I also posted this on the behaviour section as I thought it might be in the wrong place and I got some good advice. I managed to calm down and speak to ds. I'll try copy my response here.

Sweet skull you're right that I'm lucky his dad is supportive. We will be seeing him this weekend so I'll ask him to have another chat.

Will have a chat with gp too. Thanks x

trooperlooperdo Wed 13-Nov-13 08:07:34

First of all you need to change the password required to access your modem to get to the internet and don't tell him what it is

JaneLP76 Wed 11-Dec-13 04:48:34

Hi I've just been reading your post and wondered how you was getting on with it. I to have found out my 12yr old has been looking at porn and am totally in shock, I really don't know what to do. I'm not angry just upset and am struggling to deal with all this puberty.
I really would appreciate any advice.

JillJ72 Sat 14-Dec-13 23:13:38

Same here, on mobile phone, and unfortunately it won't let us delete the images. DH has had a friendly chat with DS, I prob won't say anything unless he does. It is sad really, but not unexpected, part of growing up. It's a minefield for us all - parents and youngsters....

profilewithoutaname Fri 03-Jan-14 02:51:08

If he likes it it's difficult to get him not to like it. The more fuss you make of it the more fun it'll be for him.

What would you do if you had a girl and see would looking a lot at romance movies? Would you get angry about that too?
That's the female porn and men have their stuff. And both are not real. Anything you see on tv isn't real, just fun to watch.

My advice, just relax about it. It might not be what you like, but it's what he likes. It's good to let him know it's not real and if he ever has sex he must never let himself being forced to do anything against his will nor force someone else.

other then that, just let it go.

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