Are problems with 11/12 year olds routines because of not getting it right younger

[voddiekeepsmesane]

I find that I read a lot of threads on pre-teens about 11/12 year olds not doing homework/ bedtime dramas. I wonder if its not setting boundaries early enough or if ALL children no matter the routine they go through this stage. I suppose I am trying to see if DS (9) who is in very set boundaries at the moment will have a 'blip' soon and whether I need to be prepared for this?

[Dededum]

I have a 10 and 12 year old boys. One in year 8 and year 6.

I was never very good at boundaries. Now DS1 is at secondary there is a little bit of settling in to homework. But I think this is when you need to loosen the cords a little, thy need to take more responsibility for their homework. I love it when DS1 and DS2 come home excited about something they are doing t school. A love of learning not 10 A* at GCSE's is what I am after.

[Notmyidea]

Mine had firm boundaries when they were younger. I'm afraid they have rebelled.

[headlesslambrini]

no, I think a lot of how they behave when older is an influence of people ie peer group who they are mixing with. Some like my DD is happy to be herself and some like my DS are desperate to fit in.

[Takver]

My dd is 11 and much easier about these things than when she was younger. Partly with the homework I think because it is much more appropriate in content, it is obvious that they are building on class work, and set more regularly. Bedtime also much easier - she goes to bed, we provide hug & kiss + warm drink if asked . . .
Achieving regular showers, tidy room and regular changes of clothes still provide a challenge

[Lottie4]

Mine had firm boundaries when she was younger and we didn't stand much messing about. She's now 12 and just seems to accept we want her in bed around 9.30pm week days. She's always played on electrical gadgets downstairs, so we don't have any problems with playing on ipods/using mobile late at night when she's meant to be sleeping.

When we say "no", we mean "no", although now she is older she is able to present some very arguments for a "yes". Now we take what she has to say into account and a couple of times have said we've thought about things and realised that it could be a "yes", but at the same time if it's still a "no" she has to accept that.

We've always shown interest in homework and what she's got to do (without having to know in fine detail - this seems to annoy her). When she started comprehensive, I was expecting her to come in and start on homework within 30 mins, so I found it very frustrating that she would come in, mess about for an hour, then insist on a snack she didn't want earlier, then want a shower and not look at any homework until 5 mins before tea. Having said all this, after a few weeks I learnt this would happen, but that once she'd had her tea she would work until 9pm if she had to. She knows it needs doing, so now I let her do it when it suits her. If we are going out one night or doing something time consuming at weekends, I do point out she needs to work around it for her homework. As Dededum says it's their responsibility and them who will get into trouble if they don't do homework - if they do get a detention most will worry about it and learn from it.

Mine was never one for bath/showers though. They did a thing on hygiene in the first term at comprehensive and that seemed to be the turning point, suddenly insisting on bathing every day and wanting face wash.

As they get older, they become more independent but I think it's still good to steer them in the right direction and encourage them to do what they really need to do. I'm aware what homework my daughter has to do as it's in her planner and she will often show me the end result, so in turn I do make a point of asking her what mark she got (she often tells me though).

[TeenAndTween]

I think having rules/boundaries when younger helps with teens, but it's not foolproof as they can still go off the rails.

But rules for things like

• homework
• internet / phone use
• helping / politeness

introduced younger means they are less likely to become a problem later.