Is it normal for my dd just to bring other kids round?

(31 Posts)
katrina81 Tue 10-Sep-13 09:45:55

My dd is nearly 12 and has just started high school, she is my first born so I am all new at this stuff.

She has a friend from primary who has latched on to my dd. They walk to and from school together which is fine, she lives about a 10 min walk away.

This child keeps coming home with DD after school, coming right in the house begging for DD to go with her to her house I keep telling her no DD has homework etc. She turned up yesterday as we were having tea and just came in and said I will wait till you have finished, then DD went to the park with her and DD was a bit late home. This girl then come in again and basically I had to tell her to go in the end.

When I was at school you made prearranged visits to someones house maybe once a week or so. But this is turning into a daily event. This girl just wanders in and I am feeling uncomfortable in my own home. My DD is shy and quite easily led.

Is this normal once kids grow up or should I tell this girl not to come back unless invited.

katrina81 Mon 16-Sep-13 14:51:30

Thanks all for your help and insights. DD said that she doesn't really like this girl that much so I told her just to say "Mum says I have got to much homework" etc. She doesn't hang round with this girl at school at all, as this girl has other friends.

We live in an estate with a lot of kids and some do knock on for her and they are more that happy to come back later if we are eating etc, but this just makes me sound so awful, I just have a bad feeling about this girl :-(

Coming in without knocking is not on, but otherwise I wouldn't have an issue.

Kids come to the door, they usually ask if my sons are free and if we are in the middle of dinner etc then I say not at moment but give them a convenient time to come back either that day or another day. If one of the boys answer the door then it's up to them but then they will shout to ask, how long until dinner etc. They know if they have any homework or activities that day.

Your daughter is almost 12 and in High school, she should be able to make her own arrangments from within whatever boundaries you have set. I'd work with her on that and if she doesn't want to play with the girls but feels obliged, support her in saying No, even if she has to make you the bad guy i.e. "Sorry I can't come out just now, my mum says we are about to have dinner/I've got homework/i've got chores/i'm feeling tired" etc etc.

rubyfoz Sat 14-Sep-13 01:31:40

It sounds to me as if your DD's new friend may have some issues at home sad
Obviously that doesn't make her your problem exactly, but if it was one of my DD's friends I would want to (gently) find out if there was a problem.

Absolutely agree with the 4:30pm cut off for after school socialising, though - going to introduce that for my 2 dd's - great idea!

curlew Wed 11-Sep-13 08:58:52

Absolutely, cory.

valiumredhead Wed 11-Sep-13 07:26:02

I agree Cory,I want this to be a home where ds brings his mates over. I'd much rather they were here than on a street corner looking for trouble. also I can eavesdrop on their conversations

We've always had an extra kid or two in the house and sleepovers are common.

cory Wed 11-Sep-13 07:17:49

I think by the time they get to upper junior you have to accept that it's their home as much as yours, so if you can bring a friend home or have someone round for a coffee without pre-arranging it with dc, then they have the same right.

Or else you can have a general family rule that nobody can bring anyone home without pre-arranging it with the rest of the family. After all, your friend dropping in for a coffee impacts on them in a very similar way to their friends dropping in for a play or chat.

Or you can have a rule that we are open on these days, but on e.g. Friday nobody brings anyone home without checking it with the rest of the family.

Different with small children because then you actually have to do the work of looking after them and entertaining them.

valiumredhead Tue 10-Sep-13 17:21:15

Ds turned up with a mate in tow this eveninggrin

I would not be happy for ds to be hanging around with a shop lifter.

katrina81 Tue 10-Sep-13 17:16:19

Well DD is home without friend, today she said to DD "shall I bring my nail varnish when I come over later", so DD said she was grounded and not allowed visitors. However on the way home this girl was accused of shoplifting in the corner shop, I had heard rumours but chose to ignore them as giving her a chance, however not very keen for DD to hang round with her now.

Madmog Tue 10-Sep-13 11:10:12

My daughter is in Year 8 and main get togethers, ie for tea or a whole afternoon tend to be pre-arranged. However, I never now what is going to happen first thing in the morning or after school. Sometimes my daughter will meet a group at a house nearby, other times some girls call for her on the way to this house. Sometimes she does come back to collect a few things as they have arranged to go to a friend's house - I'm aware the parent won't know until they both arrive but seems happy about it when I've raised it with her.

It's a hard one, you want them to have the company and friends, but at the same time you don't want a friend keep turning up at inconvenient times. I think it would be a good idea to suggest to your daughter, she is allowed out until say 4.30pm/5pm whatever you think each day or she has a couple of evenings a week when she stays in to catch up. The school probably have given too much homework yet with it being the couple of weeks, so you may find that when they both have a lot to do, the other girl won't be so free herself.

katrina81 Tue 10-Sep-13 10:58:48

Good idea chunky might tell dd that on a Friday she can go out with her mate after school, but during the week she has to be home before 5pm, it is difficult as this girl has loads more freedom compared to DD.

ChunkyFicken Tue 10-Sep-13 10:50:08

It is tricky. Could you have an open house policy on two nights a week (Fri perhaps and one other)? With rules about where your DD goes and time to be home etc?

I would work it out as a family then tell the visiting friend. I don't think I would leave it up to my shy, easily led daughter to set out the rules to mates though. Mine always liked me to do that as it sort of let them off the hook.

valiumredhead Tue 10-Sep-13 10:37:30

Can't the girl text /phone your dd first?

valiumredhead Tue 10-Sep-13 10:31:55

Have a chat with dd and say if she had friends over then rules are they play out out in her bedroom.

katrina81 Tue 10-Sep-13 10:22:55

Fairylea, I am like you I just can't relax when others are here, and I don't want to make the girl feel uncomfortable.

This girl turned up at 5pm last night just as I was serving tea, so of course my dd rushed her food and they never come back till 7.05 with this girl just wandering in, and I felt that was a bit late for a school night.

katrina81 Tue 10-Sep-13 10:19:19

Curlew, DD is easily led and I don't think she really wants her to come in she likes to chill after school in her room. Her dad works shifts though so he can be in bed at unusual times so kids can't really come back unplanned.

I was thinking it over in my head last night it is DD's house too, but I thought I would check with the wisdom of mumsnet. I guess I just need to relay the ground rules to her.

Fairylea Tue 10-Sep-13 10:11:42

Twosteps .. Well I don't really like having people or dc in and out of my house all day unless it's pre arranged with me.

I just can't relax. But I appreciate some people are ok with it smile - I'm the sort of person that doesn't even like family just dropping in!

As for playing out after school, dd is allowed to go to the park right next to us from between school finish and 5. She must drop her stuff in from school first though - mainly so I know she's home from school etc etc.

To come in at 5 / 5.30 gives her time to have a shower, wind down from school and do any homework before dinner.

A lot of her friends were out till 8 in the summer but I think that's much too late.

curlew Tue 10-Sep-13 10:09:49

Does your dd want her to come in?

I think once they are in secondary school, then they have a right to their own social lives. My ds is in year 8, and will usually warn me if he's bringing someone home with him. But not always- why should he? He lives here too! I don't ask him if it's OK for me to have a friend round!

piratecat Tue 10-Sep-13 10:09:35

oh god we are having similar. Secondary school has induced a whole new social life it seems, and one girl in particular has decided to pop in every night.

I told dd to text me and ask first.

We have had to have a few chats about new 'rules', which I think is the way to go.
It's all new to us and them.

I think it's whatever works for you really. When I was growing up it was popping in and out of friends houses or whatever. Usually one particular friend as her parents works and she was home alone.

I would love my DS to have that but there are no kids his age close enough so everything is pre-arranged.

CaptainSweatPants Tue 10-Sep-13 10:09:16

Lock the door?

tametortie Tue 10-Sep-13 10:08:37

Kids do seem to love rules and a good telling off never hurt anyone. If the kids in our street keep knocking, I do have a rant. Its crap when you are trying to cook tea etc. But, they never mind. They just say 'ok' and wander off. They have to learn!

katrina81 Tue 10-Sep-13 10:06:28

Twosteps, I am pleased she is sociable and has friends, and as I said I am new to all this, but they don't just go in her room, this kid just sort of lingers around in the lounge and just walks in.

tametortie Tue 10-Sep-13 10:05:44

yes, I agree with the not wandering in to your house. I told the girls in my street that to walk into a house without knocking and being invited in is really rude and we dont like rude children in our house. smile be bossy and set the rules! Its your house!

Iwaswatchingthat Tue 10-Sep-13 10:05:08

This thread has reminded me of my dad just getting so sick of the doorbell being rang by kids after school that he would just open it and tell whoever was standing there to 'bugger off'.

All the other parents rated his honesty and for some reason all of our friends thought this was brilliant and never held it against him. They still talk about it now.

At least everyone knew where they stood!!!

Can you imagine that happening now??!!!!

I agree with other posters OP - be the strict mum with rules.

tametortie Tue 10-Sep-13 10:03:20

Agree with twosteps especially as my DD is an only. Its nice for her to have company. And you dont have to feed them- dead true!

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