9 year old accessed porn

(5 Posts)
maxxymoment Mon 05-Aug-13 10:09:42

Please help me work out the best way to handle a situation that happened yesterday.
My dd age 9 was engaged in a face time call on her iPod in our living room with a school friend aged 9 also. I wasn't listening until I heard the friend tell her she was going to "send her some pictures of ladies sucking men's willies". I immediately grabbed the iPod and said to her friend "what did you just say"? To which she replied she was only joking. My 5 and 6 year old children were sat next to my dd and my 6 year old repeated the words back to me so there was no question of what was said. My dh had come into the room at this point. I told my dd to end the call and soon after drove to the other girls house to discuss with her parents. Their dd was upset and they were shocked. I explained the facts, told them how upset I was, said they should check Internet history and left.
They later texted me to say they had checked the Internet history and it would seem their dd had managed only one search and had found a loophole on their Internet restrictions which they've adjusted.
How can I minimise the impact on my dc's especially the younger ones?
I have talked to dd (9) and reiterated how there is lots of things on the web which children shouldn't see but wasn't specific and didn't repeat or relate what had been said to sex. At the time of the incident, I'm not sure she was even listening that closely but my 6 year old definitely heard. I want to gloss over it and not talk about it specifically but don't know if this is correct. My dd has no knowledge of sex at all at the moment. I'm ready, I have books, she knows about periods but the rest hasn't been an issue until now.
For the younger children, we just didn't mention it at all again. My 6 year old is quite bright and I'm not sure they will just forget it and I'm terrified that they might repeat in front of their peer group.
9 year old dd is supposed to be going on a day out with this family at the weekend. In the immediate aftermath of the call, my dh and I discussed her not going but I've reassured her that she can still go because I feel the impact of her not going will draw more attention to the call and what was said. I don't blame the other child of course, children are curious and if the web restrictions are not there... But we have never really encouraged a friendship with this child for lots of other reasons. She likes 1-2-1 friendships, doesn't seem to mix well in a group and tries to manipulate the object of her attention into only playing with her. She once scratched her own face and drew blood when my dd decided to play with other friends at school and blamed my dd. fortunately it was witnessed by others otherwise who knows what might have happened. This girl does appear to struggle with friendships and can be really nasty if she isn't getting her own way. I don't know her parents well enough to discuss that with them but I do know that lots of other parents feel the same and don't encourage friendship for the same reasons. I know that isn't relevant but wanted to give some background info. I try and encourage my dd to have lots of friendships rather than a best friend but this girl has always been tricky and I don't know her parents well or their values.
Any ideas on how to handle this? I'm dreading the weekend where their dd might elaborate a bit more on what she has seen.
Thank you!

TheAwfulDaughter Mon 05-Aug-13 10:31:22

Your 9 year old doesn't know about sex? What do you mean, that she doesn't know that it goes beyond making a baby or she doesn't know that a penis goes into a vagina?

If she doesn't know the latter, I find that quite bizarre. I honestly don't know why you're worried about her repeating that a penis goes into a vagina and that's how babies are made because it's true. confused It's not akin to her going round describing pornography.

She's 9. She's off to secondary school in a couple of years. You need to give her the facts of life before things like what her friend has sent her gives her warped ideas of what sex is like. Tbh though, I work in a school and I wouldn't be surprised if by year 5 someone has told her 'a man puts his willy in the ladies bum and does a wee and she poos out a baby'

Use this as a platform to talk about sex, not only for it's reproductive function but how adults use it to show their love.

In terms of how to directly address the porn viewing,
I'd imagine she'd be quite bewildered herself. Ask her questions about what she saw and what she thought, don't go in all guns blazing. I can't tell you how to respond, you know your child best- but I don't think you can get round chatting about the porn industry to her in an age appropriate way. You honestly can't let her just watch that filth and leave it to play on her mind about what it is and what it means.

Don't worry about the younger ones, they'll forget and ask for a biscuit. Or 'videos about ladies sucking willies' will probably come out at Sunday lunch 6 months from now blush but they won't be damaged by overhearing the conversation.

I feel so sorry for you. It is horrible. But DD will be fine.

But I wouldn't be letting her go to that friends house.
Computer savvy 15 year olds who want to get the Kleenex out can break filters if they wish, but I can't think of anyway a nine year old using phrases like 'ladies sucking willies' could crack strong parental controls. I'd imagine they didn't have any.

SavoyCabbage Mon 05-Aug-13 10:38:22

I would use it as a platform to start talking about sex.

My dd is 10 in November and she doesn't know about sex at all. I'm ready for it too and I'm not embarrassed or dreading it but she's just nowhere near it.

maxxymoment Mon 05-Aug-13 11:11:46

Thank you for the replies so far. I don't think it's unusual for 9 year old to not know about the mechanics of sex. I have had chats with many of her friends parents and they are all the same. I actually only told her about periods because this same girl came into school and started talking about it so I felt my hand was forced on that one. To be fair though, this girl is almost 10 and my dd has only recently turned 9. I don't work in a school though so I'm not used to what they might be talking about. I do work in healthcare though, and I have no qualms about discussing sex or anything else with her. As I've said, I have some books and when the questions flow I will answer them. But she is 9! Do I really use blowjobs as a platform to discuss sex though? My dd hasn't mentioned it and I'm not clear if she even heard what was said clearly. I have thought of telling this other girls parents to censor their conversation at the weekend because I don't want this girl filling in the gaps. I know when they go back to school it would be more difficult. But I feel this girls parents have a lot of explaining and discussing to do with their child. Can I expect them to talk to her about not discussing it with others who may not know. Just as I would ask my dc's to not talk about Father Christmas not being real if they knew the truth and others didn't. (She does still believe btw)
Their explanation re the Internet was that she search via safari and that wasn't covered by the blocks?? He works in IT ffs. They do seem reasonable parents if a little odd. Mum struggles with conversation and eye contact (and has a moustache), in fact they both do. Their dd is an only child. I do exchange pleasantries with her when I see her. There have been lots of little things which I've worried about with their dd. she squeezed her gerbil and it died, accident??? She once told my daughter she would get a gun and shoot her dead. But I do a lot of safeguarding work and therefore might look too much into things.
Thank you again for your thoughts

TheAwfulDaughter Mon 05-Aug-13 11:22:53

When he says 'she was using safari and that's not covered by the blocks' that probably equates to 'she was using safari which is the built in browser for her iPad/iPhone/iPod touch that we don't monitor her with' confused

It depends how you phrase it. I know blowjobs aren't your dream platform to talk about sex, and it's not ideal, but you can't not talk about it.

I have no children, which is why my advice may not be helpful, but I do know plenty of 7/8/9 year olds who know about the mechanics of sex- and a few older ones who know that it goes beyond making babies and adults who love each other will sometimes kiss/touch each others genitals or just have sex for pleasure to show how much they care for each other. You may find that a bit crude, but with friends with unmonitored Internet access and excessive porn consumption becoming an epidemic, a talk like that will be better for both of you before she's exposed to more mucky videos.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now