Rude humour or evidence my son's been 'accessing hardcore gay porn'? You decide.

(104 Posts)
Spidermama Fri 10-May-13 14:20:47

I've just come back from lunch with my friend. Our DSs are 11 and a half and just getting ready for secondary school. They've been best mates for years.

Po-faced she handed me a bit of paper she'd fished out of the bin with writing on it from both her ds and mine. You know the game where you write the line of a story then fold it over and someone else writes the next line and you build up a story together? Well this was one of those.

They'd drawn willy pictures on one side and on the other side written the rudest stuff they could possibly think of because that's what makes 11 year olds laugh.

Let's call my ds 'A' and hers 'B'

B: They played spin the bottle at the prostitutes house.
A: It got boring so they decided to suck cocks and enjoy it.
B: After a while they eat each other.
A: Then one of them went up to the bum hole land.
B: It got boring so they diced (sic) to have a threesome.
A: After a while they eat cock.

You get the idea. Anyway my friend tells me she's very concerned that my DS has been 'exposed' to hardcore gay porn and she doesn't want her DS to be affected by this.

I was a little shocked to see it at first because obviously my 11 year old doesn't use this sort of language in front of me. However, the more I looked at it, the more it seemed like perfectly ordinary exploration of sexuality mixed with a bit of 11 year old let's-see-how-shocking-we-can-be type of antics.

I'm very hurt at my friend's implication that it's all being led by my DS when they've clearly both enjoyed the game. I told her she's deluding herself in this respect. She's confronted her DS about and said he was mortified. I told her I felt she'd invaded their privacy somewhat and was over reacting.

I'm also told her I'm concerned about her concentration on the 'gay' aspects of it. Personally I don't see the relevance.

Spidermama Tue 04-Jun-13 20:31:46

Thanks for your kind words piffpoff and everythinghippie.

DS was mortified at first that it had been found but he seems to have put it behind him. He still hangs out with his friend at school but hasn't gone back to his house or had his friend round here like they used to. He says he's too embarrassed now which I understand but think is sad.

Pickledinapeartree I agree that bumhole land is pretty funny. grin

piffpoff Sat 01-Jun-13 15:05:44

I have to say the note made me chuckle although if it was my DS I know I may not find it quite so funny. I have a 12 yr old DS and I know that he knows all about this stuff and that it comes from school. I dread to think of some of the conversations they have given what I have over heard whilst eavesdropping passing by his room.
It is a worry about what they might have access to, mine tells me he's not seen any porn and I do believe him but sadly know its only a matter of time despite our best efforts to monitor his computer use.
I also remember at this age ( vaguely- over 30 yrs ago shockbeing taken, along with my friends to see some porno mags that some boys in my class had found in some bushes. It's a natural thing at this age to be curious but I think it's still all a bit gross as well.
OP I think you handled it really well and sorry about your friend, it's disappointing that she's shown herself to be so prejudiced.

everythinghippie29 Wed 29-May-13 08:46:26

spidermamma I think you handled the situation well and didn't demonize sex or sexuality by flying into a mad panic. You advised your son to perhaps be more discreet in future ( which was needed given the trouble this could have caused if found in school fo example!), and it sounds like you have an honest and open dialogue with all of your children, which is lovely. I hope when a similar situation comes for me my parenting skills will reflect yours!

PickledInAPearTree Wed 29-May-13 08:27:45

In my school this type of talk was quite common at 11 - if this lady thinks you need to have accessed hardcore gay porn to say "eating cock" she must be quite naive.

If he'd been looking at hardcore things I would imagine it would be a LOT worse than that.

I did snigger at bum hole land I have to say.

cory Wed 29-May-13 08:09:16

Learnt in the playground would be my first thought.

Or on an ordinary television show: comedians like Russell Howard are constantly joking about blow jobs and anal sex; Jeremy Clarkson does it and very occasionally (in a more refined and educated way) even Stephen Fry does it. Those programmes are on daytime television. And if they don't watch, some of their friends will be watching.

Reminds me of an experience in secondary school when the authorities got all worried because every student seemingly had access to hard drugs. What happened was, the school sent round a questionnaire where one of the questions was: "If you wanted to purchased drugs would you know where to go". As it so happened nobody in my class took drugs or had contact with drug dealers, but we all thought we knew that there was a girl in the other class who probably would know who to contact to get in touch with somebody, so we all answered in the affirmative. Created quite a moral panic, that did. But didn't mean we were all involved with drug dealers.

dementedma Tue 28-May-13 22:10:09

I might expect my 11 year old to write down all the rude words he knows on a list, including things like cock, fanny etc but the example given by the op would be way too explicit for me to be comfortable with tbh.

Oh yes!
When the DC were younger and we wanted them to bog off and give us some peace I used to say brightly " So kids, lets talk about Sex, your father and I ....."
I never got to the end of the sentence before they exited the room grin
Ah happy days smile

ppeatfruit Sat 11-May-13 09:04:51

It's NORMAL ffs like walking and talking it's them growing up and learning about life but we none of us wanted our parents to know or want to think about our parents doing 'it' shock that really was and is considered "double gross" grin

Spidermama Fri 10-May-13 22:28:19

Love it forgossake. grin

forgossake Fri 10-May-13 20:55:54

Oh my god, déjà vu.... Memories are flooding back of my 11th birthday sleepover party. When we played consequences. And then chucked the bits of paper down the sides of the bed. For my mother to find in the morning.

Absolutely revolting language from 5 privately educated girls. My Dm actually called all the other mums to tell them and my Df gazed sadly at me and said " you're not a little girl anymore, are you?"blush

But I hadn't ever seen any porn at that age. Learnt it all in the playground.
But my poor, poor parents. sad

Coconutty Fri 10-May-13 20:42:40

Yeah, I would be giving my DS no privacy at all if he was writing this sort of stuff in Year 6. I think there is a noticeable difference between what A and B wrote - A being more explicit.

I would be wanting to know where he has been watching hardcore porn. I know you asked him and he denied it but suggest that he's lying. You said he initially lied and said it was all B, he won't want to tell the truth about the porn either.

DebsMorgan Fri 10-May-13 20:30:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

She was fine and it all ended well but we still tease DH mercilessly about him outing the lad in Tesco grin

Spidermama Fri 10-May-13 20:23:05

Whoops! Hope she was ok with it. I'm really pleased to know school children are feeling able to come out. Shame it's not so in Brighton. I don't get that. It's not just my kids school.

Even in Scotland no one blinks. DC have friends round here who are gay, bi, experimenting, the works. We all talk about boyfriends, girlfriends irrespective of gender.
Maybe we are odd but it has never been an issue. Oh, except that one time DH asked DD's gay mate how his love life was, knowing he'd just got together with a new chap. The mate was with his mum and DH assumed she knew about her sons sexuality, it would appear not ........ confused

Spidermama Fri 10-May-13 18:19:57

9while5 funnily enough I had exactly that conversation with him after I'd talked to him about this.

ppeatfruit there's also the ancient Greeks and their naughty pottery.

working9while5 Fri 10-May-13 18:05:56

I think probably everyone does but I'm not sure that's the point in some ways... just asked my dh as he got in from work (he wasn't expecting that ha!) and he was like: pretty normal but come off it, he's probably watching porn too, it's EVERYWHERE! Dh wouldn't see that as a massive problem and I don't think I would either... but given the extent and ease of access these days I don't think there's any harm in having the conversation that you know, this stuff is out there, you're going to see it and you're probably going to look for it, but you might get weirded out by it and just remember it's like any other work of fiction and REALLY bears no resemblance to the real thing.

Spidermama Fri 10-May-13 18:00:45

Thanks ppeatfruit. smile

I just got my 14 year old DD's take on this. She's a well-behaved, bookish swotty sort. Think Saffy out of Ab Fab. She recalls being at the friend of a girl and fellow book club member in year 4, (so about 9) who snuck a book out of her mum's room and showed it to her. My dd says it had pictures and descriptions of blow jobs and all sorts of other things. She learned a lot that day.

She also said by year six absolutely EVERYONE knows this stuff. She talked about a culture of competitive ability to shock. Everyone wants to go one stage further.

noddyholder Fri 10-May-13 17:55:27

You can see the messages progress as in competitive outrageousness! Thats what boys do try to go one better They were probably laughing their heads off with each line and then binned it in favour of something else!

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Fri 10-May-13 17:53:55

I'd be more concerned at their dreadful spelling bless them.

ppeatfruit Fri 10-May-13 17:51:35

spidermamma You dealt with it correctly IMO brilliant! And to the people who are saying "oh it was never was like this in my day" hmm bollocks actually.

I'm 62 and in my class there were 10 and 11 year old boys with dirty magazines etc. kissing the photos etc. 'TWAS EVER THUS" There were hard core porn murals in Pompei FGS !!

working9while5 Fri 10-May-13 17:50:43

It's about balance I guess though.

It's like my three year old. Since watching episodes with his older cousins, he wants to be a Power Ranger and tear around the place whacking things and people with makeshift swords. That is where he's at. Yet we don't let him watch it because he has proven time and time again he hasn't got the impulse control to manage it and it ALWAYS ends up with him being overexcited in his sword play and hurting someone/getting in trouble/getting upset.

They're no different at 11 either. They can want to watch all this crap and they have more freedom to access it.. but there is still guardianship necessary. Completely different after 15 I think (from Year 9 to year 10 they seem to go from being these wild toddleresque creatures with no concept of anything sensible to well, pretty grown up) but the early teenage years they really do need a bit of a steer even though they are likely to kick against it like billy-oh. I remember this myself.

defineme Fri 10-May-13 17:49:19

|It is quite a recent positive development smile
6th formers appear to have no bother. There's a bit of 'oi gayboy' in lower years, but there is, for example, a year 10 boy comfortable enough to touch up his make up after his lesson shock -not that he (or anyone else) is supposed to wear it!

noddyholder Fri 10-May-13 17:47:36

I think the fact that she fished it from the bin and read it suggests she may just be hyper vigilant with her kids. I would never have seen it as everything in my ds bin would have just been thrown away without being 'sorted'!

Slambang Fri 10-May-13 17:45:57

Hi Spider I remember you talking about your lovely ds a few years ago.

I think your friend's subtext is I'm terrified that your ds wil influence my ds and somehow make my ds gay. Of course she's too PC to actually say this to you so she's blaming her fears on 'hard core gay porn'.

Who knows - perhaps her ds will be gay. Perhaps your ds will be. But I suspect she wouldn't have been nearly so paranoid about the hardcore porn aspect if this had been a conversation between a dd and a ds.

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