Rude humour or evidence my son's been 'accessing hardcore gay porn'? You decide.

(104 Posts)
Spidermama Fri 10-May-13 14:20:47

I've just come back from lunch with my friend. Our DSs are 11 and a half and just getting ready for secondary school. They've been best mates for years.

Po-faced she handed me a bit of paper she'd fished out of the bin with writing on it from both her ds and mine. You know the game where you write the line of a story then fold it over and someone else writes the next line and you build up a story together? Well this was one of those.

They'd drawn willy pictures on one side and on the other side written the rudest stuff they could possibly think of because that's what makes 11 year olds laugh.

Let's call my ds 'A' and hers 'B'

B: They played spin the bottle at the prostitutes house.
A: It got boring so they decided to suck cocks and enjoy it.
B: After a while they eat each other.
A: Then one of them went up to the bum hole land.
B: It got boring so they diced (sic) to have a threesome.
A: After a while they eat cock.

You get the idea. Anyway my friend tells me she's very concerned that my DS has been 'exposed' to hardcore gay porn and she doesn't want her DS to be affected by this.

I was a little shocked to see it at first because obviously my 11 year old doesn't use this sort of language in front of me. However, the more I looked at it, the more it seemed like perfectly ordinary exploration of sexuality mixed with a bit of 11 year old let's-see-how-shocking-we-can-be type of antics.

I'm very hurt at my friend's implication that it's all being led by my DS when they've clearly both enjoyed the game. I told her she's deluding herself in this respect. She's confronted her DS about and said he was mortified. I told her I felt she'd invaded their privacy somewhat and was over reacting.

I'm also told her I'm concerned about her concentration on the 'gay' aspects of it. Personally I don't see the relevance.

OutragedFromLeeds Fri 10-May-13 15:26:59

I think the suggestion that they've seen some porn is valid. Or that someone in their peer group has because I can't see where else they would get stuff like that.

I don't see any reason why it would be gay porn. If it was I don't understand why that's relevant unless your friend is homophobic.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Fri 10-May-13 15:27:05

Nothing to worry about. Standard boy giggly stuff. And remember they don't necessarily know what it means - just that it is rude IYSWIM.

I would giggle at blowjobs, sex etc in primary school - but I had no idea what it meant. Just that it was taboo.

Your friend sounds very naive about the grossness of 11 year old boys, male and/or gay sexuality and what consititutes hardcore pornography! shock

When DS was in Year 6, his friends mum asked us to sort out internet access for their new computer. It started playing up a few weeks later, DH suspected a virus and on further investigation we discovered Google searches in the history for 'horney lezbean biatches' amongst other delights hmm.

Mum was horrified at what they were looking for, I was utterly mortified that they hadn't managed to spell ONE WORD correctly! shock.

Spidermama Fri 10-May-13 15:42:43

Though to be fair Lapsed those words probably weren't given out in the spelling lists of words to learn. grin

thefirstmrsrochester Fri 10-May-13 15:42:49

The first time you discover your ds has possibly (absolutely had in case of ds) viewed porn, or expressed enjoyment at the naughtiness, it is a bit shock but as said up thread, most boys will eventually dabble in it (till you review the firewall on the PC) and lose interest once they have had their giggles.

Restorer Fri 10-May-13 15:50:52

Well, I think the gay porn thing is a red herring, but if the note had been found at school,(at least at the primary where I work) the welfare officer would have been asked to interview both children. Could all be nothing, but it would be considered a cause for concern.

TheSecondComing Fri 10-May-13 15:57:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Fri 10-May-13 16:05:43

They haven't seen anything. There is nothing there that you wouldn't hear being whispered around with much giggles in primary school.

They are simply writing down the "baddest" things they can think of in order to out do each other.

They are both probably blissfully unaware of the precise mechanics of what they are writing.

TheSecondComing Fri 10-May-13 16:13:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChewingOnLifesGristle Fri 10-May-13 16:14:58

Agree with TSC.

AvrilPoisson Fri 10-May-13 16:15:36

Is this the DS you've previously wondered about sexuality? (Forgive me if I've got wrong poster)
Just wondered if she thinks he's gay, and therefore "corrupting" her child- some people have very strange ideas about sexuality.
Tbh, it sounds like normal silly banter between boys, perhaps a little younger than usual, but tbh I think we chatted about things similar tothis in Y6... however, as girls we weren't daft enough to write it down for our parents to find! grin

Restorer Fri 10-May-13 16:16:45

I work in a primary with very many social problems and we wouldnt consider this was normal Fine. There would be concern about how/where they had seen /heard this stuff. As I said it may turn out to be innocent, but it would be taken seriously. TBH where child protection us concerned, i dont think a breach of privacy should be ops biggest concern.

Our welfare officer would also be wondering what your friend knows/suspects that makes her so keen to point the finger.ie is she trying to deflect attention?

HDEE Fri 10-May-13 16:19:51

I have a 12 year old son and would be amazed if he knew what half of those things are. I doubt he'd even know what a prostitute is.

I'd be asking serious questions and checking his Internet history thoroughly.

tethersend Fri 10-May-13 16:26:53

I used to be an art teacher, and when teaching supply I would sometimes pass out sheets of paper, tell them they could write or draw anything the wanted, that I would be collecting them at the end of the lesson and they did not have to put their name on the drawings.

There are not enough words in the English language with which to adequately describe the filth and depravity that sprung forth grin

There were diagrams, labels, narratives, motifs... And this was just from year 7.

Unfortunately, I lost about three sketchbook's-worth when I moved house.

BiteTheTopsOffIcedGems Fri 10-May-13 16:31:03

I think it is just eleven year old boy silliness.
In my opinion your attitude to sexuality (when you mentioned it is immaterial that your son could be gay) is fantastic, compared to your friends attitude that it's almost seems wrong and maybe contagious somehow.

Spidermama Fri 10-May-13 16:37:22

HDEE I was surprised initially but only because he doesn't talk to me about this sort of stuff, obviously. About three seconds later, my surprise had gone.

I've just had a chat with him. He says he's never seen any porn online and I believe him. Not least because he doesn't have a computer in his room and actually, if he had seen it, I rather think the vocabulary would be somewhat more graphic.

He says everyone his age knows about blow jobs and sex and they regularly talk about it in school. Again, I believe him. I'm sure I knew what blow jobs were in primary school though I was years away from every experiencing one first hand. I also knew how gay people had sex and that was even funnier at 11. grin

I think making a big adult fuss about only serves to cause more problems, and could make they feel guilty as if they're bad or dirty. I also believe many adults inadvertently pass on their own hang ups about sex.

Lizzylou Fri 10-May-13 16:37:48

God, I think that is all way too much.
I wouldn't say it was normal 11 yr old stuff at all.

I suppose your DS has older siblings, so will pick up stuff from them. Has the other boy got older brother/sisters?

I think your friend was out of order for blaming your DS and focusing on gay porn. But I think I would be having a chat with your DS about where he picked this stuff up from.

DS had "naked ladies" on his when he was 11.
I just handed the phone back and said you won't find too many ladies there, son.
His red face lit up the room smile

Lizzylou Fri 10-May-13 16:42:54

Sorry, cross post.
Glad chat went well, seems I a bit naive about what 11 year olds know. I am sure I had only just grown out of playing with dolls blush

Spidermama Fri 10-May-13 16:46:35

DH just had a chat with my older DS who is 13 and asked him if - when he was 11- he wrote rude, sexy stuff - being as shocking as possible, and drew pictures etc and my DS looked at him like he was an idiot and said, 'Of COURSE I did. ALL my mates did that. Everyone does it at that age'.

It's understandable that we're naive about what they know because adults are not supposed to hear them talk in this way but it is normal, especially for boys I would venture. Gross, but normal.

Lizzylou Fri 10-May-13 16:48:28

Shit.
DS1 is 9 and thinks "sex" is a swear word. To be fair he is very young for his age.
Think his 7 year old brother will be corrupting him though.

Grammaticus Fri 10-May-13 16:50:15

My two are twelve and fourteen. I'm sure this is exactly the sort of thing they talk about among their friends occasionally. I'm not remotely shocked by what's on the OP's piece of paper. As long as they and their friends can also sit round the table with me and eat a meal in a jolly fashion without inappropriate language (which happens once a week) I'm pretty sure things are fine. And normal. Completely normal, gay or straight. (I think mine are straight. But who knows.)

working9while5 Fri 10-May-13 16:50:19

I would be very worried at this age yet not at the same time, if you know what I mean? The curiosity and the game and writing the rudest thing you can think of and that including sexual stuff wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I think it was ever thus, but the phrasing isn't great and I'm saddened this is considered so ordinary at this age. 14, 15 - hell yeah.. but they are so young really and he is just in Year 6.

I don't like the "eat cock"/"eat eachother" or the reference to prostitutes. I don't think this means either boy has accessed porn personally necessarily (though I wouldn't rule it out, I certainly had seen some at 14 and I was a sheltered convent girl and this was in the 80's in Ireland where we were all good lil Catholics dontcha know wink). I think that unfortunately kids these days are living in an increasingly pornified culture.

What bothers me here is that they are exposed to these ideas and concepts really before they are even sexually aware really and there's no guidance or talk about the reality of what sex is. That's what I'd be concerned about, not the porn per se.

My kids are only wee toddlers but I work in secondary schools and we will be arranging for them to have talks about sex when the time comes, sort of awkward American pie talks maybe.. but ones in which somehow we talk about what sex is and isn't. My parents actually talked to me about sex a lot - both my mother and my father - and I always knew their views on things including porn etc. They were unflinchingly open and yet never really did anything detailed or uncomfortable. It was a sort of theoretical discussion like what are the rights and wrongs of porn etc.

If I were you, this would be my concern. Feck the friend and her borderline homophobia or whatever (the gay bit isn't important). I'd just be worried that they really haven't a notion and this is going to be a part of how their sexual identity develops. There's scary stuff out there these days and boys and girls are under pressure to think they have to be pornstar wannabes. If that's a sort of Inbetweener naïve "look at me I'm so hot" while being completely virginal that's one thing but they are supposed to be sixth formers. It's bloody awful that there's this sort of language about six at 11 or 12 these days.

working9while5 Fri 10-May-13 16:51:59

sex, obviously hmm

working9while5 Fri 10-May-13 16:53:32

And by this, I suppose it's the potential misogyny/porniness of it that concerns me.. not the interest in sex or its rudeness. It's more about the content than the theme if you get my drift.

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