DD's lack of self-confidence

(9 Posts)

jennyalexanderbooks.wordpress.com/talks-and-visits/general/

She has also written a "7 day self-esteem booster" (same link)

I can recommend a book called "How to be happy" by J. Alexander. It's a sort of self-help book for children, but not at all cheesy. Presented in a 'cool', humourous style, it goes through some basic CBT so they can change their own negative thinking patterns into positive ones.

DS1 read it in Y6 and it helped him.

Ledkr Thu 25-Apr-13 08:00:35

Are you confident because that would affect her.
Dies she do a hobby? Guides drama or whatever.
I find with dd 11 if she's not feeling great about school she still has her outside friends at her clubs.
My dd is skinny but beautifull and a talented dancer. Other girls can be very unkind about her "spine sticking out" I use humour a lot to help her come up with answers or reasons why the fat girl person might say theses things.
It's a funny age isn't it? Hope it gets better.

lljkk Thu 25-Apr-13 07:42:05

It sounds like she might be good candidate for CBT, which you might be able to help her do some of the tricks of without having to get professional counselling. Just getting her to stop and question herself when she's upset, she would need to work it thru outside her head, on paper maybe:

"I feel Y
I feel Y because I believe X.
What is the evidence that X is true?
Should I still believe X?"

type stuff.

Euphemia Wed 24-Apr-13 20:35:35

You're right, of course. Often she'll say "You only say that cos you're my mum." smile

She doesn't seek external validation; we've just noticed that she really only believes praise if it's someone impartial who gives it.

She is hard on herself - she takes after her dad! We praise her for eight or nine out of ten for a spelling test, but she's not happy unless she gets ten.

Being our only child, she gets all of our attention, which must be pretty intense for her. With no sibling to compare herself against, I think she compares herself against us, so she's always going to find herself lacking!

lljkk Wed 24-Apr-13 20:20:47

That's cause she thinks you're blinded by love; she's right in a way, you're programmed to love her & not see her objectively.

Question is, why does she want external validation. Is something specific getting her down, maybe. Does she need to learn that adequate is actually fine and a respectable achievement most of the time?

Euphemia Wed 24-Apr-13 20:17:39

I think she worries, but keeps it in.

She's really good at art. She's had external verification of that - it's just when the people who love her more than anything in the world praise her she doesn't believe it!

lljkk Wed 24-Apr-13 20:07:21

Is she generally a worrier?

What does she think she's good at?

Finding something she knows she can do competently might give her confidence a boost in other areas.

Euphemia Wed 24-Apr-13 20:04:29

DD (10.10) has never had much self-confidence. She doesn't think she's good at anything, doesn't believe us when we praise her. sad

She has always had good reports at school, no problems there. She doesn't often put herself forward, but then again neither do DH or I.

Her lack of confidence affects her willingness to stick at anything. She's never read a book for pleasure because she's "rubbish at reading", and she's on the brink of giving up the flute because she "can't do it".

We're at a loss. Any suggestions?

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