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I'm glad it's a bit more peaceful and you have found a reason. Here I think the reason is DD likes to feel in control. If you can give her small choices, even whats for dinner and small freedoms like walking to the shop, she is better.
Little update. Things have been better. I have been calmer and he has not insulted anyone for a couple of days. I found out there there is some stress at school which I am attempting to resolve and this may have been adding to his bad mood.
No idea I am afraid, but I am watching with interest, as I have a similar 10 year old ds. He is truly lovely, and such a sweetheart to little kids, but can really kick off if he has to do something he doesn't want to do, or can't do the thing he wants to. Name calling at home has become an issue recently, but he doesn't do it to anyone outside the immediate family (well, very, very rarely) Separating him from the rest of the family doesn't work as he doesn't care, and he is foul to his 11 year old sister.
This sounds really horrid for you. I can understand that he gets angry about things, but insulting you and calling you names is completely unacceptable.
I have a 12 y old, a 10 y old and two 8 y olds. All of our family rules are based around the concept of respect: for one another, for ourselves, for our community, for our planet etc.
Calling someone 'stupid' or 'idiot' is a complete no-no in our house, I would never call anyone that and they are not allowed to call each other names like that either, or me for that matter.
They very very rarely disrespect either of us, but my immediate response would be to temporarily separate them from the rest of the family and the situation to avoid further escalation and to give them the opportunity to get their anger under control. Once they have calmed down and apologised (usually takes less than ten minutes even with the most stubborn one), I then impose a consequence if necessary.
My DS1 is a tricky child. He can be charming and funny but has been getting more and more obnoxious whenever anything does not go his way at home.
When challenged about anything or asked to do his homework (which he generally hates - as do I) he kicks off and then always follows up with an insult such as 'you stupid woman/man', 'you idiot', you horrible fat old...(I am not fat!). He does the same with DH and is probably worse with him. I can take the kicking off but I really feel I have we have to tackle the insults. I suppose because I keep thinking that if I had spoken to my parents like that they would have hit me - they didn't hit me but then I never dared speak like that! He does not hear DH and I talking to anyone rudely so I don't really understand where he gets it from.
I have tried punishing him with withdrawing DS/Wii and it works mostly until he gets to play again and then reverts back quickly. DH ignores it and I get all shouty. Neither makes a difference so maybe DH is right. He is fine at school. I have heard advice on here about making sure he gets loads of cuddles...he hates being cuddled, I might get a quick stealth one in if I am lucky once in a blue moon.