Horrible facebook messages- wwyd?

(25 Posts)
Orchidlady Wed 16-Jan-13 13:05:50

DS 12 recently mentioned he had been exchanging messages with an older boy in the village ( 14). Basically the have never liked each other and has been threatening each other and exchanging insults, DS has become very upset and is now refusing to go to the village. I have now read the messages and absoulutely appalled. Although what my son was saying was stupid the other boys comments are absolutely disgusting and sick. He has said all sorts if sexual things, about me accused my son of being having a relationship with another boy ( his best friend). I have told DS I have read these messages and told him he has been and idiot to engage and respond but he said he was angry about the comments this boy was making. Not sure what to do about all this. Would be grateful for some thoughts.

Portofino Wed 16-Jan-13 13:07:49

Why does he have an account? He is too young - and this sort of shit is the reason why he is too young. Close it.

DeadTall Thu 17-Jan-13 00:26:41

Make sure your DS unfriends him and blocks him ASAP. If he's in the same school as this boy then could you speak to a teacher ?

frasersmummy Thu 17-Jan-13 00:36:51

how long has it been going on??
you said he told you recently and you have now read them.. so I take he has been messaging him for at least a few days

how can your son be messaging insults to someone on the web and you not know ??

Orchidlady Thu 17-Jan-13 08:33:51

Um not very helpful comments rather disapointing actually sad. I was asking for some perspective not to told it is all my fault for allowing DS who in nearly thirteen to have a lap top. I allowed facebook up until now because we are rural and he likes to talk to his nice friends normally, yes they talk a load of rubbish but thought harmless until now. I know about the cyber bullying because DS told me and I have access ( for control). For now lap top has been removed. I was shocked at the warped nature of the other boy and wondered whether it was worth talking to his mum

Print all the messages off. Then block him.

Do they go to the same school? Or can you contact his parents, show them the print outs and tell them if there are any further incidences you will have to speak to the Police to ensure he doesn't go near your boy?

You say they have both been exchanging insults though so probably best thing is delete and block. Speak to him about not doing this gain or you will ban him off Facebook.

Gigondas Thu 17-Jan-13 08:38:17

Might not be helpful but portofino makes a good point.

Also I wouldn't go to the mother - mention it to teacher as i assume that the school has a Bullying and behaviour policy that covers e messages.

Direct contact is never going to end well hence why I would go to school. Yes it sounds like other boys comments were disgusting but your ds wasn't blameless and its his behaviour you need to focus on. At 12, you should know that it's ok not to like someone but not to goad them and go looking for or engage in fighting albeit online.

ItsRainingOutside Thu 17-Jan-13 08:52:20

I would print out the messages and show them to the boy's mother. It sounds like both boys are in part to blame so perhaps you can agree between you what you will do.

Orchidlady Thu 17-Jan-13 09:19:23

Have banned him from facebook already and we have had a serious talk about his comments he understands he simply would not say these things in RL, if that makes sense. He is ashamed of his part and did try to apologise to the boy for his part but this kid is a horror and would have none of it. He is also appalled about this things this kid came out with, unbelievably disgusting, certainly a woman hater for the future. Thankfully they do not go to the same school unfortunately this is small village and he now nervous to go out. I know the boys mother quite well actually. She thinks the sun shines out of her sons backside and can do no wrong Btw way how do you print the messages blush sorry I am not brilliant with things technical.

amck5700 Thu 17-Jan-13 14:28:06

Orchid, are you a friend of your son on facebook? are these private messages or on his wall?

If it was me - if it is on his wall I would comment from your own account saying that you have read the messages and considering taking them to the police and his parents.

If it is a private message then I would respond on behalf of your son - though you need to make it clear that it is you - with the same message. You should be able to copy and paste the messages into a word document, or even better get them on screen and do a screen print - usually alt key plus prtSc key and then put in a word document and print - you may need to do this a few times to get the full conversation - I am assuming it was quite long!

Don't take any crap - you are an adult this boy is 14. Tell him you know about the messages and that you have aprint out and that if there is any repeat of the behaviour or any threats etc in real life to your son then you will show the porint out to his parents and the police.

Then block him.

Orchidlady Thu 17-Jan-13 16:56:13

Hello amck we were posting earlier about our sons. Thanks for the comments do you know I am totally out of touch about FB,I do not have FB never have, all I know is I was able to log into DS account and view these messages. Some good suggestions I will see if I can work out how to save a copy. I have to see the horrible brat everyday bringing DS home from School, needless to say he will not look me in the face.

amck5700 Thu 17-Jan-13 17:46:12

Yes Orchid - I noticed it was you. The boy is a coward through and through, hiding behind a computer screen as if it doesn't matter if you don't say it out loud. My bet is he would shit a brick if he knew that you knew and could tell his mum. If you want any help taking a copy of the messages, let me know - I am not a techie genius, but I get by smile

My boys both have accounts (which I monitor) and I always tell them never to say something on-line that you wouldn't say to someone's face.

Maybe get your son onto skype to keep in touch with friends? mine mainly do that rather than FB.

ItsRainingOutside Sat 19-Jan-13 12:20:25

To print them out, use the Print Screen button on your keyboard (it will only capture what you can see) then paste it into a blank Word document then you can print.

Sparklingbrook Sat 19-Jan-13 12:38:09

DS1 is 13 and I has had a facebook account for about eighteen months. I am not a fan but he stays in touch with friends and family and I know his log in. Nothing untoward so far apart from major boasting re material goods and lots of duck face pouting from the girls.

If I were you I would have a word with the Mum. I would want to know if it was my DS. But then you say she thinks the sun shines out of him. sad

nortonmumoftwo Mon 21-Jan-13 12:35:39

hi don't be too hard on yourself. every single child bar a few have facebook in DD's year 7. You just have to monitor it. I don't do fb myself as I am too busy checking DD's fb!

Block this idiot, don't bother going to the parents it will only cause more agro for you, block DS for a while, print off messages and keep in case. I wouldn't go to school just yet.

^ He is too young - and this sort of shit is the reason why he is too young. Close it^

No, this isn't the reason for the age restriction at all. If you think the OP's son being over 13 would make any difference then you are rather naive.

Block the boy and perhaps tell the school. This is bullying.

The fact that is is facebook is a red herring. How would you deal with it if it were face to face?

nortonmumoftwo Mon 21-Jan-13 12:49:04

notadragonofsoup -

Naive i'm not believe me - fb and twitter are all part of secondary school life - it s on their phones/ipads/everywhere. 14 is the legal age - many 14 year olds get problems - learning how to deal with it is the key and a valuable learning lesson for later life.

A few words regarding use/misuse is all that's required. Prevention is better than cure.

Cyber bullying is an issue and is very serious but to block all under 16's (children) from using it is unrealistic

14 is the legal age no it isn't.

Besides, I didn't call you naive confused only those who think ignoring the age restriction on FB is the cause of the problem.

amck5700 Mon 21-Jan-13 13:22:48

Dragons comment was aimed at portofino I think. The age for Facebook is supposed to be 13 but I believe they are considering dropping it. I agree it isn't the age that is the issue, it's about educating our children that it is not okay to say anything you like to someone just because it is not to their face. Social networking will be a way of life for our children that it wasn't for us and we need to get used to that and get wise. The boy concerned is a bully and a coward and this needs pointing out.

Madmog Tue 22-Jan-13 10:35:43

Have to say I don't know much about facebook myself, but as said I'd certainly get a copy of the comments in case you need them. The legal age is 13 but you won't be alone in letting your son go on their at the age of 12 and have your reasons for doing so. Might be worth checking every 2/3 days if there have been any more comments. Also, have a reassuring talk with your son, that you're there for him if he encounters any problems face to face with this boy. If they are at the same school, the school may treat it as bullying, but someone like a Pastoral Support Worker, Head of Year, Headmaster or Tutor may be able to talk through the options available out of school. If there are any other sexual concerns raised then it's certainly worth having a word with the police.

timetosmile Wed 23-Jan-13 11:13:23

Some good advice here I think OP. Main thing is to get your own account and make facebook a positive thing between you and DS - send him funny pictures and the occassional update to stop his account being to preteen 'heavy'. Also, it is worth school being aware if they are at the sae school as the will certainly have a policy on it.

The whole social network thing is a new environment for us as well as the preteens and I think you have got to be bang on the money with it because we do have a responsibility to 'police' and monitor what's what...but it also throws up lots of really good opportunities to discuss attitudes, relationships, issues in society with our DCs too.

DS 12 has just gone onto facebook..a wise friend suggested I get onto it a few months back to get used to it!...the same goes for skype etc too

The 'rules' we have are - parents must be 'friends' (and getting other adult relatives as friends helps with accountability too).
Don't write anything you'd be ashamed to have printed out by your parents/teachers i.e.remember its in the public domain.
No typing anything you wouldn't say in 'real life'.
Don't let anyone message you anything you wouldn't be comfortable with in real life without telling a parent.

It can be a really nice way to stay in touch with friends and family..in fact what DS is enjoying the most is being 'in the loop' for all the cute pictures of his preshcool cousins playing in the snow.

Orchidlady Thu 24-Jan-13 14:43:08

Thanks for all the advise, I printed of offending messages and told DS that if it continues then I will showing these to other boys mum. Reiterated that say nothing that you would not do f2f allowed to keep it along as he keeps to the rules. So far so good, checked this morning and another message for X saying " I could have smacked you today" ( they were out sledging) to which DS just replied Ha Ha. Good for him, (another barrage of abuse) I have now sent a message telling him I have a printed copy of all his disgusting comments and to Stop now. Let's see, this kid is truely vile

amck5700 Thu 24-Jan-13 16:22:34

Well Orchid, that was a positive move I think. He has two choices now, to continue or stop. If he chooses the first one then I would definitely give a copy of the messages to his parent(s).

Take a copy of the message that you sent too to show that you intervened.

Keep in your head that he is a child, you are an adult, it's up to you to take control of this situation and deal with it in an adult manner. Hopefully this is an end to it and you and your son can relax without feeling that this boy is invading your space.

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