Last night I had a call from DD who lives with DEXP and his DW. Ranting and screaming about the tyrant that is her dad and the regime she is forced to live under.
I happen to agree fully with Mussolini Dad and his reasonable requests and told her and him this
I'm picking DD up from school and I could do with ideas on how to tell her that she IS in the wrong for not doing as she was asked, and how her behaviour is affecting her poor Dad and her brother and her DStepmum.
Problem is I can see SO much of me in DD and remember what it was like.
How do I get this across to her in a way that she will listen?
I don't know, but maybe the fact that you can empathise with her bad behaviour is going to help. I might start by talking about your feelings when you were her age, and get her to open up to you. Then really listen to her, and try to keep her from feeling alienated.
She may be more willing to listen if she feels you are really listening to her. I know this is kind of a cliche, but it is still true.
I find that with my kids (17, 14, 11) there are two things which sometimes help when I don't know what to do: surprising them with an approach they really aren't expecting, and REALLY listening and trying to understand them. (Of course, I am still only occasionally successful in getting through to them.)
One thing that never helps is lecturing them in the way they are expecting me to lecture them; they just close up and ignore me or they get really angry.
Yep I've got to step away from the lecturing. Didn't work on me so why would it work on DD? It's annoying because I can see both sides. Her Dad is persona non grata as he threw her teddies down the stairs I really struggled not to giggle I empathised with her.
My gran had "the talk" with me about my behaviour when I was about 14.... It basically said -
"Look - you have every right in the world to be upset - upset about what happened today, upset about the whole rotten situation that is ongoing - but you have NO right to treat others the way you are treating them, you need to change the way YOU react to them or YOU are becoming part of the problem, be the bigger person, change your reactions, learn to get along with people and YOUR life will become much more pleasant."
It struck a chord and I let a lot more wash over me rather than reacting - and my life did become a lot more pleasant......