Hard done by 11 year old

(12 Posts)
Lavendersbluedillydilly1969 Sun 16-Sep-12 18:31:21

I love my dd1 to bits but am finding her such hard work at the moment.
She is obsessed with horses and riding and has been for a few years. She has a riding lesson every other week which we can't really afford but have tried to do as she's so keen.
We are just had enough of her attitude. She refuses to believe how lucky she is, just harps on about how hard done by she is. If we really loved her we would loan/buy her a horse and help her live her dream etc.
We are thinking about stopping her lessons altogether for a while to see if this will shock her into changing her behaviour. The whole world doesn't revolve around her and her love of horses and she needs to understand its a privilege we create for her not a right!
Sorry this is so long just hoping for some advice as to whether this is the right way to go about things. We have 3 dc and she's the eldest.

lljkk Mon 17-Sep-12 19:18:38

Is it doing her more good than whatever else she's doing that's harmful to you?

Will it focus her to be a nicer person, or will instead she get interested in things that you don't want her interested in?
Your call.

I get "Why can't I have a pony?" grief too. And technically we could probably afford it. But guess what, I don't want the responsibility or to do the work for it.

Lavendersbluedillydilly1969 Mon 17-Sep-12 20:24:26

Thanks, I know it's probably better to be interested in horses than boys and makeup etc it's just the constant grind. Nothing is ever enough and it's very annoying, her brother and sister don't get anywhere near as much spent on them but dont really complain.

Mydogsleepsonthebed Mon 17-Sep-12 20:29:21

Tell her to get a job as a Saturday helper at the stables - I did that and got my lesson for free (I still didn't get a long though)

JennerOSity Mon 17-Sep-12 20:32:13

She has no idea about the cost/value of things or what it takes to get the money to do these things, her ignorance is fuelling her attitude. While some kids seem to naturally appreciate these sorts of things, others are in blissful ignorance as to the reality of the situation and taking for granted what they have, added to their cluelessness makes for a pretty spoiled seeming / ungrateful recipient of your efforts.

Do you think if you showed her your cash in / cash out budget it would make her realise that money has limits and it is not a case of you being a meany?

You could demonstrate all the alternative choices there are for where the money spent on her lessons could go instead, that might make her see that it isn't so simple as she assumes. I know some kids for whom this sort of approach has worked wonders - others find the burden of the information a bit much at a tender age - you would be the best judge which she is likely to be.

I remember being mystified at a similar age why my parents (who didn't earn much at all) couldn't afford the things my friends had, to my simple eyes the wage they got was enormous compared to my pocket money so I thought they were rolling in it! blush eventually they gave me an outline as to all the bills which gobbled up the money and it opened my eyes (and shut me up)

edam Mon 17-Sep-12 20:33:14

Does she have any idea how much her lessons cost and what that actually means in terms of your family budget? Does she know how much her own horse would cost - not just buying one and feeding it but vet's bills, shoeing, stabling and so on? Maybe you need to sit her down, show her a few sums, and explain that it's not just Mum and Dad being mean, it's beyond your budget. Then suggest what mydog said - getting a job as a Saturday helper. Which will give you a bit of breathing space too!

Lavendersbluedillydilly1969 Tue 18-Sep-12 08:33:41

Yes she is aware of how expensive keeping a horse is and what a chunk of our small disposable income her lessons are, she just doesn't care.
We have spoken to local stables about her helping out but they all say she is too young (need to be at least 12 for insurance but prefer 14). It's very different to when I was a stable helper, don't think anyone cared back then but it's all health and safety now.
She's recently started secondary and several of the children in her class have horses (theirs or family).
Maybe it's just a maturity thing, we can explain it over and over but it just doesn't sink in. Even talking about a possible family holiday in a couple of years will have her say she won't go but put her share towards a horse and if we can afford a holiday why can't we afford to at least loan a pony for her. It's minor but so draining.
Thanks for reading all this, just needed a moan I guess.

JennerOSity Tue 18-Sep-12 12:11:46

I think given that is the case... You are faced with an unreasonable demand with a dash of ingratitude thrown in, despite the fact you have given her all the information she needs to appreciate her situation... all you can do is be implacably disinterested in return.

In other words, give her a stark choice, accept what she has and quit complaining/hinting it isn't enough and it should be more or lose what 'little' she has.

Give her the choice to continue in her current vein and lose it all or accept the present situation with good grace.

This puts the ball in her court means it is not your problem anymore, and a useful life lesson in the offing if she choses badly.

That would be my take on the matter.

mckenzie Tue 18-Sep-12 12:22:21

this brings back memories. I can remember being that age, all my friends had ponies (or so it seemed smile. It was probably two of them!) and i just had my half hour lesson once a week because that was all my mum could afford. Luckily, back then you could help out at the stables and make yourself very useful in return for rides/lessons but I understand that's not the case now. FWIW, i agree with JennerOSity. My 11 yr old DS is going through a similar thing, he thinks the world owes him everything, everything should revolve around him etc. (OK, a slight exaggeration but you get my meaning I'm sure) I've stopped trying to reason with him every time and instead just tell him the facts and the options and let him decide.
Good luck.

ps. msg to your DD. get friendly with those girls that do have ponies of their own! grin

Lavendersbluedillydilly1969 Tue 18-Sep-12 14:50:23

Thank you that's pretty much how I feel about it all now. I think it's the total ingratitude of it all that gets to me most.
God only know what kind of teenager she will be if we don't put a stop to it now.
The world does not owe her a horse nor must her dreams come true. If she's incredibly lucky and works hard for it they may do but it's not a given.
I love her so much it breaks my heart to see her sad but deprived she ain't!
Ps. Suspect many of her texts are tentative attempts at making friends so we'll see smile.

ItsRainingOutside Tue 18-Sep-12 15:24:46

I had a similar thing with my daughter and we agreed if she got a job at the stables on Sunday mornings from 7am - 12 noon, grooming, mucking out etc. and she stuck at it, we would consider letting her have a horse in 12 months. It lasted 2 months, she got tired of it and subsequently reduced her riding lessons to once every 2 weeks (for recreational purposes only). Now putting her effort into drama club at school and organising their secret santa. Saved me a fortune!!

JennerOSity Tue 18-Sep-12 15:26:10

I find it particularly tough not to get incensed when the dc are utterly unappreciative of something which you would have given your right arm for at their age! Ingratitude is not at all nice and I agree, if you can limit it now it will stand you in good stead as she grows.

I think you sound like a great mum and you will both come through this with your relationship intact and look back on it positively.

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