I'm in trouble with pre-school...

(177 Posts)

"can I have a word?"

Dreaded words to come from your child's teacher at any time, let alone 3 weeks into the first term of preschool!

"your dd told us today that we weren't singing Mary had a little lamb the right way today."

"erm... Ok?"

"yes... She wanted to know what happened to the bit where she cooks the lamb..."

"oops"

So now I'm trying to stop myself from singing the corrupt versions of nursery rhymes. I don't really want to be responsible for small children going home crying that MiniBeard said Mary ate her lamb with mint sauce!

OddGoldBoots Sun 23-Sep-12 15:02:07

Oh goodness, we're the staff trying to hide their giggles? grin

grin

DD told me that you have to sing "Row row row your boat" properly.

"Theres no crocodile mummy and we arent allowed to scream!"

opps grin

Little bit!

I've been laughing my head off every time I think about it grin

No crocodile?!? shock

januaryjojo Sun 23-Sep-12 15:06:16

Thats brilliant! grin

totally the sort of thing I'd do, I also don't actually remember the correct versions!

Pagwatch Sun 23-Sep-12 15:07:23

My dds reception teacher once giggled all the way through asking me to reinforce the message to DD that goosing teacher is not the best way to show your admiration.

Nice one pag

I'd never have kept a straight face!

Georgie porgy pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came put to play
He kissed them too coz he was gay

grin

DP and I are in stitches at that georgie porgy one! Brilliant!!

Theas18 Sun 23-Sep-12 15:12:30

Mary had a little lamb, she also had mint sauce ....

theas that's the one I'm in trouble for!

SecretNutellaFix Sun 23-Sep-12 15:15:33

Mary had a little lamb
She hit it on the head.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two bits of bread.

Hey diddle diddle
The cat did a piddle
All over the kitchen mat
The little dog laughed to see such fun
That he piddled all over the cat

perfectstorm Sun 23-Sep-12 15:16:40

Our preschool taught ME the crocodile part!

Hopefully he won't be teaching anyone the version of Postman Pat we sing in this house, though. Not sure preschool would like it.

Shoshe Sun 23-Sep-12 15:17:04

Hey Diddle Diddle the cat had a piddle
All over the bathroom floor
The little dog laughed to see such fun
The Cat piddled some more

Taught by DH, to the mindee who kept having accidents.

He was much more popular than me with the children!

Mary had a little lamb
She thought it rather silly
She threw it up into the air
And caught it by its leg

grin

Shoshe Sun 23-Sep-12 15:19:37

Or

Piggy on the railway picking up stones
Along came the train
And broke poor Piggy's bones
'Oh' said Piggy
'That's not fair'
'Huh'said the train
'I DONT CARE'

That one I banned him telling them, although DGD thought it was amusing

Shoshe Sun 23-Sep-12 15:20:55

A peanut lay on a railway line
Its heart was all aflutter
Along came the train and squashed him flat
Hey I do like peanut butter.

perfectstorm Sun 23-Sep-12 15:21:16

^Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat ran over the cat
Blood and guts went flying
Postman Pat was crying
Have you ever seen a cat as flat as that?^

Tis a useful toddler road safety PSA, in my opinion. He always looks left and right if we ask if he wants to resemble Pat's Cat.

meditrina Sun 23-Sep-12 15:23:58

"I love you, you love me
Tinky Winky shot Dipsy.
With a great big bang, Po shot her in the head.
Oh my goodness Lala's dead"

SheelaNeGoldGig Sun 23-Sep-12 15:43:18

Mary had a little lamb
She tied it to a pylon.
A thousand volts went up its bum
And turned its wool to nylon.

puds11 Sun 23-Sep-12 15:48:59

Whats the mint sauce version??

Mary had a little lamb,
A little pork, a little ham...

Don't remember the rest of it though!

CollieEye Sun 23-Sep-12 15:53:08

DD told me that you have to sing "Row row row your boat" properly.

"Theres no crocodile mummy and we arent allowed to scream!"

So that's why DD (2yrs) does a piercing shriek and tries to capsize 'the boat'! grin

puds

Mary had a little lamb
She ate it with mint sauce
Now everywhere that Mary goes
The lamb goes too of course!

mrsalwaysawake Sun 23-Sep-12 16:12:37

DS's bookstart book has a crocodiley version of Row row row your boat. I assumed it was an official version I'd not heard before.

YouBrokeMySmoulder Sun 23-Sep-12 16:16:05

Row your boat always involves a crocodile and a polar bear and a jellyfish in our house...

newbielisa Sun 23-Sep-12 16:16:10

We always do the second verse of Row Row as

If you see a crocodile
Don't forget to scream
(Aaaargh)

They do it this way at libraries and childrens centres round here.

I know extras...

Row... The creek
If you see a little mouse
Don't forget to squeak!

Row... The shore
... A lion
Don't forget to roar!

TiggyD Sun 23-Sep-12 16:19:56

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've never seen her lamb before
But I've often seen her bare

I once had a little girl sing Jingle Bells to the class with the "Uncle Billy" ending. I stopped her just in time. It's the children with the older siblings you have to watch out for.

I work in lots of nurseries and the only ones I've heard banned are the piggy on the railway, and the one involving squishing up my baby bumblebee.

I got called in to preschool about nursery rhymes as ds refused to sing them, "its baby music, I like real music" when asked what he did like he said loud music with guitars and drums "the roach one where they punch someone in the face" blush he meant papa roach time is running out the line he mentioned was when it slaps you in the face. Mortified didn't cover it, ds' preschool was very naice and boden esque parents.

Anyway, <joins in>

"Postman pat, postman pat, postman pat ran over his cat. Blood and guts when flying, postman pat was crying, now he's got red wheels to match his van"

"I love you, you love me, Barney gave me HIV it was a hug and a kiss but Barney wanted more, I just fucked a dinasour"

He also got in trouble for singing baa baa black sheep when he eventually joined in as its racist they sung baa baa rainbow sheep I mean ffs!

DDs preschool must be really old fashioned then. I didnt see an issue with crocodiles.

Maybe their issue is with the screaming!!

Our row row also in involves "if you see dinasour don't forget to roar, ROOOOAR!!!L

marcopront Sun 23-Sep-12 16:22:13

I like

Rock, rock, rock your boat gently down the stream.
If you rock it hard it enough over the side you'll fall.

and

Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream,
Ha ha fooled you, it's a submarine.

Good ones to finish with.

He also got in trouble for singing baa baa black sheep when he eventually joined in as its racist they sung baa baa rainbow sheep I mean ffs!

But thats homophobic!!

The world has gone mad grin

VerityClinch Sun 23-Sep-12 16:25:53

Not quite the same, but I got taken to one side at nursery when DD was almost two, and told they couldn't tolerate the racist language she was using and if this was the kind of thing she was being taught at home they would have no choice to exclude her...

After a bit of probing about the incident in question and asking DD to tell me what she had been saying to the particular "ethnic doll" that seemed to be the centre of the problem, I was forced to point out to the nursery staff that she was not calling the Hispanic looking doll a "dago" (shudder) but "Diego"...

OHforDUCKScake Sun 23-Sep-12 16:27:14

Youre all far more imaginative than me. I just swap the main words for 'poo'

"Mary had a little poo...."

"Humpty dumpty had a great poo..."

"The Grand old Duke of Poo, he had ten thousand poos'

You get my drift...

SayersIsBetterThanGreggs Sun 23-Sep-12 16:30:02

The shepards sat their turnip tops 'a' boiling in t'pot, the angel of the Lord came down and ate the bloody lot.

(sayers aged 5, cheers uncle David hmm )

Realised that we have a lot of extras in row the boat. We do rock rock rock the boat, and bounce, when dd was a baby she loved bouncing on our knee so it was altered from there.

wannabe I've a good mind to go to the next agm and bring the homophobia up shock I knew something was up with that place it all makes sense now wink

Ebb Sun 23-Sep-12 16:30:42

Mary had a little lamb, she thought it rather silly, she threw it up into the air and caught it by it's willy was a watch dog lying in the grass, along came a bumble bee and stung him up the ask no questions, tell no lies, ever seen a policeman doing up his flies are a nuisance bees are worse and that's the end of my funny little verse.

Funny what you remember from school 22+ years on grin

Pascha Sun 23-Sep-12 16:33:15

Our playgroup won't sing no little ducks when they've all gone swimming over the hill and far away in case the children get all upset, it reverts back to 3 or 5 confused. I told my sister this, she ran a nursery in london for years and she says the kids always prefer the violent, cheeky or silly versions.

puds11 Sun 23-Sep-12 16:34:35

Thanks Beardy

FrustratedSycamorePants Sun 23-Sep-12 16:37:52

Hey diddle diddle
the cat did a piddle
All over the kitchen floor
The little dog laughed to see such fun
And kick the cat out of the door

I absolutely hate the "poor old humpty" bit that nurserys sing at the end.

My kids love

Humpty dumpty sat on a wall SPLAT!
Humpty dumpty SPLAT!
All the kings SPLAT, etc,
With them vying to shout SPLAT first.

And our row row row your boat involves bears, lions, crocodiles and throwing your granny overboard.

TiggyD dare I ask what the "uncle billy" ending is ??

<intrigued>

AncientsOfMuMu Sun 23-Sep-12 16:42:05

Row row row your boat
Gently too and fro
Here comes a big wave
Over the side we go

<capsize boat>

AncientsOfMuMu Sun 23-Sep-12 16:42:50

to and fro

FrustratedSycamorePants Sun 23-Sep-12 16:43:08

How can they ban the squishing bumble bee one? It teaches children to leave bees alone (despite the fact that they look cute and cuddly)

DutchOma Sun 23-Sep-12 16:48:48

Mary had a little lamb, the midwife had kittens.

ByTheWay1 Sun 23-Sep-12 16:50:32

we used to finish

row,row,row your boat
right across the lake
if you see an octopus
give his arms a shake

and they'd shake hands with folks eight times each.... giggling lots....

Tiago Sun 23-Sep-12 16:55:19

Notes all these for use in a year or so...

TiggyD Sun 23-Sep-12 16:57:07

Jingle bells, Batman smells
Robin flew away.
Uncle Billy lost his willy
On the motorway.

Ebb Sun 23-Sep-12 16:57:21

I remember a nursery rhyme book that had:

Piggy on the railway picking up stones
Along came an engine and broke poor piggy's bones.
"Oh" said Piggy"that's not fair"
"Oh" said the engine driver. "I don't care!"

and:

Inky pinky ponky
Daddy had a donkey
The donkey died
Nobody cried
Inky Pinky Ponky!

ByTheWay1 Sun 23-Sep-12 17:00:21

Or a couple for modern times....

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
The build of the wall was not correct ,
So he won ten grand with claims direct...

It's raining it's pouring,
Oh cr*p it's global warming...

ProfYaffle Sun 23-Sep-12 17:02:19

Ooh, Ebb, we used to sing that too but ours started "Rule Britannia, 3 monkies up a stick, one fell down and broke his Dicky was a bulldog ....."

HairExtensions Sun 23-Sep-12 17:08:16

When DD3 started nursery she decided to impress staff with her knowledge of democratically choosing whose turn it is.

Mickey Mouse
In the house
Pulling down his trousers
Look mum
Dirty bum
You are it

blush

whojamaflip Sun 23-Sep-12 17:08:22

Happy birthday to you, flush your head down the loo.......

row, row........if you see a polar bear don't forget to shiver.

jingle bells, santa smells, rudolph did a poo.....

not sure how ^ they finish and whoboy is not here for me to ask. will find out and report back.

may even teach him some new ones grin

littlemisstax Sun 23-Sep-12 17:10:42

Row Row Row your boat gently out to sea,
if you see a dolphin give him a kiss from me

Not great when DD has a snotty nose and kisses all the other toddlers at nursery, but super cute to watch!

HairExtensions Sun 23-Sep-12 17:11:46

Thankfully it wasn't the one from when I was a child.

It, dit, dog shit,
You are not it.

TheBonkeyMollocks Sun 23-Sep-12 17:19:05

This thread had made me grin on a shit day!

Thankyou all!!

RobinSparkles Sun 23-Sep-12 17:25:10

Mary had a little lamb
She took it to a wedding
She tied it to a lamp post
And kicked its f***ing head in.

Mary had a little lamb
She knew it couldn't swim
She took it to the swimming pool
And threw the bugger in!

No crocodile in row row your boat? That's crap! That's the best bit. My 19 mo loves doing the "aaah" at the end!

The one we do at toddler group has loads of verses including
Rock rock rock your boat
Gently to and fro
Watch out
Give a shout
Into the water we go (splash)

Row row row your boat gently down the stream
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
Back in time for tea

Row row row......to the shore
Merrily....
Back for tea at four

And then the crocodile verse at the end!

Tee2072 Sun 23-Sep-12 17:32:09

::takes notes, son starts pre-school tomorrow::

Kveta Sun 23-Sep-12 17:32:26

I'm sure I saw on here once the following verse:

rock a bye baby
on the tree top
bad babies get rabies
and have to be shot.

and I got into trouble from nursery because DS was asked what do dogs do 'go woof!' and what do cows do? 'go moooooo!' and what do cats do? 'go poo in mummy's garden!' blush

Tee2072 Sun 23-Sep-12 17:32:45

And BTW, Baa baa black is not racist due to the black sheep.

It's racist because it's references slavery and my master and the dame.

boaty Sun 23-Sep-12 17:36:07

Mary had a little lamb,
With veggies and mint sauce,
'Oh dearest lamb' she cried
'I am as hungry as a horse!'

PunkInDublic Sun 23-Sep-12 17:36:44

I always thought the rainbow sheep was an urban myth!

My Uncle Billy had a ten foot willy
He showed it to the woman next door
She though it was a snake
So hit it with a rake
And now it's only 5ft 4.

Jesus we were only about 7 when we sang that.

RobinSparkles Sun 23-Sep-12 17:47:50

We have Baa Baa black sheep and Baa Baa White sheep.

Baa baa white sheep
Have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir
Three bags full

One for the jumpers
One for the frocks
And one for the little boy with holes in his socks.

ScrambledSmegs Sun 23-Sep-12 17:48:02

Oh well, at least Mary didn't have a duck as well...

Humpty dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said "fucking scrambled egg for breakfast again!"

Mary ate a little lamb
She also ate a duck
People called her greedy
She didn't give a fuck!

marcopront Sun 23-Sep-12 17:54:04

Inky pinky ponky
Daddy had a donkey
The donkey died
Nobody cried
Inky Pinky Ponky!

My DD has been taught this for choosing things except daddy cries in her version.

fuzzpig Sun 23-Sep-12 17:54:59

Row row row your boat gently round a puddle
If you see a [mummy/daddy/whoever you are] don't forget to cuddle smile

fuzzpig Sun 23-Sep-12 17:55:53

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
I don't know what they did up there
But now they have a daughter

InvisibleHotPinkWeasel Sun 23-Sep-12 17:58:54

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER teach your dc the BlackAdder Goes Forth verse of row your boat.

No preschool should ever have to have a cheery voice piping

Row Row Row Your Boat
Gently down the Stream
Belts orf Trousers Down
Isn't life a scream
HUZZAH!

They call you in after session
And they smirk
A lot.
blush

There was an old woman of 92 parlez vous.
There was an old woman of 92 parlez vous.
There was an old woman of 92, Lifted her leg and a fart came through, Inky pinky parlez vous.

The fart went rolling down the street parlez vous.
The fart went rolling down the street parlez vous.
The fart went rolling down the street, Knocked the copper of his feet, Inky pinky parlez vous.

The copper got out his trusty/rusty pistol parlez vous.
The copper got out his trusty/rusty pistol parlez vous.
The copper got out his trusty/rusty pistol, Blew the fart from here to Bristol, Inky pinky parlez vous.

Bristol Rovers playing at home parlez vous.
Bristol Rovers playing at home parlez vous.
Bristol Rovers playing at home, Kicked the fart from here to Rome, Inky pinky parlez vous.

Julius Caeser drinking wine parlezvous.
Julius Caeser drinking wine parlezvous.
Julius ceaser drinking wine, Swallowed the fart the dirty swine, Inky pinky parlez vous.

The fart went rolling down his spine parlez vous.
The fart went rolling down his spine parlez vous.
The fart went rolling down his spine, Knocked his bollocks out of line, Inky pinky parlez vous.

The fart went shooting off to Mars parlez vous.
The fart went shooting off to Mars parlez vous.
The fart went shooting off to Mars, Knocked the Martian on his arse, Inky pinky parlez vous.

The fart went shooting off to Venus parlez vous.
The fart went shooting off to Venus parlez vous.
The fart went shooting off to Venus, Knocked the Martian on his penis, Inky pinky parlez vous.

RubyStolenBootyGates Sun 23-Sep-12 18:03:43

<adds Blackadder verse to official Baby Rhyme Time book for next printing>

(Do you think anyone will notice?)

Skinny malinkey malogian legs
Big banana feet
Went to the pictures and couldnt get a seat
When the pictures started
Skinny malinkey farted
Skinny malinkey malogian legs
Big banana feet.

My GM taught me this along with the Lords prayer grin

PoppadomPreach Sun 23-Sep-12 18:10:54

Mary had a little lamb
It bounds and skips and hops
It gambolled on the road one day
And ended up as chops.

And this one takes me back.....

I was walking in the jungle and my bum began to rumble
Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!

Some people think it's funny but its very green and runny
Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!

PoppadomPreach Sun 23-Sep-12 18:14:13

What do you do if you're bursting for the loo in an English country garden?
Pull down your pants and fertilise the plants, in an English country garden
Then take a little leaf and wipe your underneath, in an English country garden.

Can't remember any more verses....!

No ye cannae push yer granny off a bus
No ye cannae push yer granny off a bus
No ye cannae push yer granny
For shes yer mammys mammy
No ye cannae push yer granny off a bus

Im sure there were other verses but I cant remember them now.

The english country garden brings back memories grin

pixiestix Sun 23-Sep-12 18:31:21

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a duck
She put them on the mantelpiece
To see if they would fall off wink

nextphase Sun 23-Sep-12 18:37:38

whojamaflip
Only know the first one

Happy Birthday to you
flush your head down the loo
Taste it don't waste it
happy birthday to you.

We also did

Jingle bells, batman smells
Robin flew away,
lost his pants while over France
and found them in Bombay.

Lots of versions of Christmas carols also - good king wensaslas looked out, of his bedroom window, he fell out and burnt his snout, on a red hot cinder, brightly shone his nose that night, tho the pain was cruel, til the doctor come in sight, riding on a mule.

While Shepards washed their socks by night, all seated round the tub, the angel of the lord came down, and they began to scrub.

We 3 kings or orient are, one in a tractor one in a car, on on a scooter blowing his hooter, following ????

ScrambledSmegs Sun 23-Sep-12 18:41:02

That's the version I know, pixiestix!

EduCated Sun 23-Sep-12 18:43:15

We used to sing a foot and mouth version, but I can only remember the start...

'Mary had a little lamb,
Its foot and mouth were scabby...'

Anyone?

Fosgoldlady Sun 23-Sep-12 18:57:47

Nannans favourite - Auntie Jane went to Spain on a train, when the train started, Auntie Jane farted!

dearprudence Sun 23-Sep-12 19:02:50

Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a duck.
She put them on the mantlepiece
To see if they would fall off.

perfectstorm Sun 23-Sep-12 19:06:01

"What do you do if you want to do a poo in an English country garden
Pull down your pants and suffocate the ants in an English country garden..."

I got called in to preschool about nursery rhymes as ds refused to sing them, "its baby music, I like real music" when asked what he did like he said loud music with guitars and drums "the roach one where they punch someone in the face" he meant papa roach time is running out the line he mentioned was when it slaps you in the face. Mortified didn't cover it, ds' preschool was very naice and boden esque parents.

Friend of ours had her dd asked what her favourite song was her first day, "Is it Mary Had a Little Lamb?" "No. A Kiss With A Fist Is Better Than None."

She's a big Florence and the Machine fan. It seems the teacher was not. Explanations were needed. Apparently her trying to breastfeed the dollies in the Home Corner went down rather badly, too.

MrsMuddyPuddles Sun 23-Sep-12 19:14:49

wannabedomesticgoddess

My DD's childminder taught us that one! verse 2 went:

But ye can push yer other granny off the bus
Oh ye can push yer other granny off the bus
ye can push yer other granny
she's just yer daddy's mammy
ye can push yer other granny off the bus

StellaAndFries Sun 23-Sep-12 19:39:18

My grandads favourite rhyme to sing to both myself and now my dd's is,

The white cat pissed in the black cats eye,
The black cat said 'cor blimey',
The white cat said you silly twat,
You shouldn't have stood behind me.

JoInScotland Sun 23-Sep-12 20:03:17

Baa baa black sheep has to do with wool taxes: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baa,_Baa,_Black_Sheep

TheApprentice Sun 23-Sep-12 20:12:46

Jack told Jill
To take the pill
and wash it down with water.
Jill forgot
So now they've got
A bouncing baby daughter.

Mary had a little lamb
It had a sooty foot
and into Mary's bread and jam
Its sooty foot it put.

StellaAndFries Sun 23-Sep-12 20:14:35

Jack and Jill went to the dairy,
Jack pulled out his long and hairy,
'Ooh' said Jill, What a whopper,
Lets get down and do it proper.

Signet2012 Sun 23-Sep-12 20:16:29

My brother got summoned to nursery as my dn was showing " intimidating and threatening behaviour"

Someone oops taught her "see this finger,see this thumb, see this fist - you better run!!

In my defence she only tickled once she caught you grin

I was banned from teaching her any others. blush

whatkungfuthat Sun 23-Sep-12 20:24:05

I got in trouble because DS told his class that when Jesus died he became one with the Force

eosmum Sun 23-Sep-12 20:31:26

Our version of twinkle twinkle, care of dh some years ago for dd1, her playschool teacher was not impressed but it's the only version ds knows now. I can only remember the first verse I'll get the rest from ds in the morning.

Twinkle twinkle little fart
How I wonder where you start
Rumble bumble in my tummy
Out you come from my bummy.

wannabe

the granny one made me well up ... i remember my granny singing that when I was small!

PoppadomPreach Sun 23-Sep-12 20:43:33

Arty farty had a party
All the farts were there
Hooty tooty did a beauty
And we all went out for air

KungFu love that! grin

Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow
With wizz and e’s and ganja trees and coke as white as snow

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Sun 23-Sep-12 20:51:18

Aunty Mary had a canary
Down the leg of her drawers
When she farted it departed
Down the leg of her drawers

wishingonadream Sun 23-Sep-12 20:52:51

We three kings of orient are
Selling knickers tuppence a pair
They're fantastic, no elastic
Buy your granny a pair

Whilst shepards washed their socks by night all seated on the grass the angel of thelord came down and kicked them up the arse

Had completely forgotten the injy pinky parlez vous one, used to sing it all the time

Old mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone
But when she bent over
Rover took over
And gave her a bone of her own!

bunnywhack Sun 23-Sep-12 20:54:46

It happens to us all SillyBeardedDaddyman years back when ds was in nursery we got called in twice first time he was casting avada kedavra at the other children we are big harry potter nuts here and the second time he kept saying for fucks sake which sounds dreadful but was hard to get over how he only ever used it in context eg if he dropped something or made a mistake. He is otherwise a lovely and polite boy he just has a filfthy mouthed mum blush

bunnywhack Sun 23-Sep-12 20:55:02

*filthy ffs grin

Thye version taught by the teacher at primary school (a long time ago) was:

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All watching ITV
The angel of the Lord came down
And switched to BBC.

Glittertwins Sun 23-Sep-12 20:55:28

I'm waiting for the Christmas carol versions grin

Glittertwins Sun 23-Sep-12 20:56:04

Damn FryOne, you beat me by 4 seconds!

SkippyYourFriendEverTrue Sun 23-Sep-12 21:05:12

If you go down to the woods today
You're sure for a big surprise
If you go down to the woods today
You'd better go in disguise
Cos Mum & Dad are having a shag
And Uncle Bob is sucking his knob [or Uncle Frank is having a wank]
And Aunty Flo is having a go
With Grandad

grin @ bunnywhack

Love the idea of a small child running around cursing other kids!

Louboo2245 Sun 23-Sep-12 21:13:15

Mary had a little lamb
It was a little bugger
It skidded cross the table top
And farted in the sugar smile

Takver Sun 23-Sep-12 21:13:17

PMSL at all these.

I inadvertantly taught dd's friend (and dd) the 'teenager' verse of When Susie was a Baby . . . turned out they had been singing a rather politer version in the playground blush

SkippyYourFriendEverTrue Sun 23-Sep-12 21:14:51

Mama Mia
It's diarrhoea
My my, running down my left leg
Mamma Mia
Here I go again
My my,
Like a smelly brown egg
Ooooh, and I'm broken hearted
Ooooh, thought I'd only farted
Oh no
Now I really let it go

TwistyBraStrap Sun 23-Sep-12 21:18:41

We three kinds of Eldon Square
Selling ladies' underwear
How fantastic, no elastic,
Buy your granny a pair

^ was our version wishing

We are the Geordie girls
We wear our hair in curls
We wear our dungarees
Up to our sexy knees
There was a boy next door
He got me on the floor
He counted 1, 2, 3
And had it off with me
My mother was surprised
To see my belly rise
My father jumped for joy
It was a baby boy!

Funny what you remember...

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her arse
And now his teeth are missing.

ByTheWay1 Mon 24-Sep-12 11:11:12

Happy birthday to you
flush your head down the loo
if you see something brown there
don't eat it - it's poo

Ouroboros Mon 24-Sep-12 11:50:11

In 1986
The Queen pulled down her knicks.
She licked her bum
And said 'Yum yum!
It tastes like Weetabix.'

festivalwidow Mon 24-Sep-12 15:15:49

Baa baa black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Of course I have, you silly old fool
If I haven't I'd like to know
What I'm covered in from head to toe?
(beats the 'approved' version which has the master, the dame and the little boy saying thank you to the sheep at the end - oh dear)

I will save Inky Pinky Parleyvoo until she's over 5..

mrsalwaysawake Mon 24-Sep-12 16:45:26

Our version was

We are the Geordie girls
We wear our hair in curls
We wear our dungarees
To hide our sexy knees
I met a boy last night
He gave me fifty pence
To go behind the fence
He spun me round and round
Until I touched the ground
He counted 1, 2, 3
And stuck it into me
My mother was surprised
To see my belly rise
My father jumped for joy
It was a baby boy!

loopylou6 Mon 24-Sep-12 17:19:44

Puff the magic dragon lives on a shelf,he has no one to play with, so he plays with himself

Puff once had a girlfriend but she was rather rough,

So now he has a boyfriend, and that's why we call him puff.

loopylou6 Mon 24-Sep-12 17:21:42

Georgy Porgy pudding and pie

Kissed the girls and made them cry

When the boys came out to play, he kissed them too

Coz he's funny that way.

loopylou6 Mon 24-Sep-12 17:23:56

Hitler, has only got one ball

The other, is in the Albert hall

His mother, the dirty bugger

Is having scallops and bollox for tea

SkippyYourFriendEverTrue Mon 24-Sep-12 17:25:57

That's not right

Hitler, has only got one ball
The other, is in the Albert hall
His mother, the stupid bugger
She chopped it off when he was small
She threw it, into the deep blue see
The&#65279; fishes, got their dishes
And had scallops, and bollocks for tea!

VikingVagine Mon 24-Sep-12 17:40:52

Loving this thread.

loopylou6 Mon 24-Sep-12 17:51:02

In Jamaica behind a tree

Selling condoms for 50p

Some for 10p some for ten bob

It all depends on the size of your knob

loopylou6 Mon 24-Sep-12 17:56:13

Old mother hubbord went to the cupboard to get the poor dog a bone

When she bent over, rover took over

And the bitch got a bone of her own

marcopront Mon 24-Sep-12 17:59:49

I know it as,

Hitler has only got one ball,
Goerring has two but very small,
Himmler is rather similar
and ????? has no balls at all.

loopylou6 Mon 24-Sep-12 18:01:22

Up above the streets and houses bungle flying high

Opens up his hairy arse and shits in geoffrys eye.

I think you all went to school with me. grin Dh has asked me to add:

Ten sticks of dynamite hanging on a wall,
Ten sticks of dynamite hanging on a wall,
But if one stick of dynamite should accidently fall,
There'd be no sticks of dynamite and no fucking wall!

marcopront Goebbels has no balls at all.

Oh Jemima, look at your uncle Jim,
Drowned in the bathtub trying to learn to swim.

I would love to know the rest of that one.

marcopront Mon 24-Sep-12 18:38:38

Oh Jemima look at your uncle Jim,
he's in the duck pond learning how to swim,
first he does the back stroke,
the he does the crawl,
now he's under the water swimming against the tide

{we need a sleeping child on my lap emotion]

perfectstorm Mon 24-Sep-12 20:38:10

I had a baby brother
His name was Tiny Tim
I put him in the bathtub
To teach him how to swim
He drank up all the water
He ate up all the soap
He died last night with a bubble in his throat.

Cheerful ditty, that one. It goes on to talk about the doctor and nurse and a "lady with the alligator purse" (social worker?) all coming in and saying "Dead".

PoppadomPreach Mon 24-Sep-12 20:55:46

The was a young man of Devizes
With bollocks of two different sizes
One was so small
You couldn't see it at all
The other so big it won prizes.

lisad123 Mon 24-Sep-12 21:05:04

Can't be bothered to read all right now so sorry if I repeat

Twinkle twinkle chocolate bar
My mum drives a rusty car
Turn on the engine pull on the choke
Off we go inns puff of smoke

Five little monkeys swinging in the tree
Teasing mr crocodile "you can't catch me"
Along comes mr crocodile as quiet as can be and SNAP!! He ate them for his tea, hmm yummy grin

HiHowAreYou Mon 24-Sep-12 22:02:02

perfectstorm don't worry, Tiny Tim isn't dead. I have the book. He's pretending (like his sister -Lorelei- who is stuffed up the chimney to teach her how to fly).

RobinSucks Mon 24-Sep-12 22:05:38

Aww I remember the squishy bumble bee one! To pick who was 'it' we used to do-

ip, dip, cow shit,
fucking bastard, silly git,
you are not it.

Does anyone remember the brother John one? Harmless at the time, now I'm feeling sick!

Our sergeant major jumped without a parachute,
Our sergeant major jumped without a parachute,
Our sergeant major jumped without a parachute,
And he ain't gonna jump no more

Glory, glory, what a hell of a way to die,
Suspended by your ankles in the middle of the sky,
Glory, glory what a hell of a way to die,
and he ain't gonna jump no more

He landed on the runway like a lump of strawberry jam...
We scooped him in a jamjar and then sent him home to mum....
She put him on mantlepiece for everyone to see...

My friend Billy had a 10 foot willy and he showed it to the girl next door,
she thought it was a snake and hit it with a rake
and now it's only 4 foot 4.

Fozzleyplum Mon 24-Sep-12 22:11:44

Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket;
And every time the lamb got out
The sheepdog tried to put it back in again.

Fozzleyplum Mon 24-Sep-12 22:13:19

ooh, now I'm on a roll.....

The higher up the mountain
The greener grows the grass;
Here comes a nanny goat
Sliding on its overcoat.

Fozzleyplum Mon 24-Sep-12 22:15:52

Perfect storm, you're not my cousin Sarah, are you? She taught me the Tiny Tim rhyme when I was little, but I've never heard it since.

EverybodysCryEyed Mon 24-Sep-12 22:26:04

While Shepherds washed their socks at night, all hanging on the line,
the angel of the lord came down and said 'those socks are mine'

oh dear, he said, my mighty tread, has worn these stockings through
I'll ask St Michael for some more, these holey ones on't do

That's my favourite for the M&S link and the classic holey/holy mix

EverybodysCryEyed Mon 24-Sep-12 22:26:34

The wiggles do the tiny tim one but it doesn't end the same way!

ProPerformer Mon 24-Sep-12 22:33:19

Oh Blimey I have loads:

Postman pat postman pat
Postman pat and his black and white cat
Flying over Venus
Showing off his penis
Pat thinks he's a really well hung man.

Oh the grand old duke of York ending with 'and when they were only half way up their trousers all fell down!"

Lulu had a baby she called it sonny Jim
She put it in the bath for to teach him how to swim
He sank right to the bottom and floated to the top
Lulu git excited and pulled him by the
Cocktails mocktails stick it up your
Ask no questions tell no lies
I saw a policeman doing up his
Flies are best bugs are worst
That is the end if my ruddy little verse

(In the style of Little Peter Rabbit)
Oh seargent major do not touch me (x3)
As we lay in the bullrushes with nothing in at all!
(As each word gets taken out get more and more excited. Hilarious)

Away in a molehill or so it is said
That little thick LaLa chopped off Dipsy's head
Tinky Winky and Po went and told the police
And LaLa was locked up and never released!

Hark the herald angels sing
Beechams pills are just the thing
They are gentle they are mild
Two for a man and one for a child
If you want to go to heaven
You must take a dose of seven
If you want to go to hell
Take the ruddy box as well.

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All seated on a bank
The angel of the lord came down
And taught them how to wank

Little donkey little donkey
On the M25
Got run over
By a Skoda
Now he's not alive

ProPerformer Mon 24-Sep-12 22:40:55

Ok thought of more already:

(This one is from one of my Dads cassettes of the folk group the spinners)

We four lads from Liverpool are
John in a taxi, Paul in a car
George on a scooter blowing his hooter
Following Ringo Star.

(Baa black sheep second verse)
Thank you said the master
Thank you said the dame
Fuck off said the little boy who lives down the drain

Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
Throw your teacher overboard
And listen to her scream!

Beans beans are good for the heart
The more you eat the more you fart
The more you fart the better you'll feel
So make baked beans your every day meal.

The Adams family started when uncle fester farted
He farted through the keyhole and paralysed the cat!

WicketyPitch Mon 24-Sep-12 23:37:41

our row row also includes
river - polar bear- shiver
sea - portaloo -wee

mary had a little lamb
it was as black as charcoal
everytime it jumped the fence
you saw its little eyes roll.

Billy was a bulldog, sitting in a field, along came a bumble bee and stung him on his
ask no questions, tell no lies, ever seen a chinaman doing up his
flies are a nuisance, bee's are worse, and that is the end of my vulgar little verse.

Our Sol, Our Sol, Our soldiers went to sea
For cu, for cu, for curiousity
to fight for the count, to fight for the count, to fight for the country (said countory at the end, lol)

Auntie mary had a canary
up the leg of her drawers
when she farted ,down it darted
catching her leg with its claws.

Hitler, has only got one ball
the others in the albert hall
his mother, the dirty bugger,
chopped it off when he was small.
She threw it into the deep blue sea
it landed just outside germany
the fishes got out their dishes
and they had scallops and bollocks for tea.

christmas carol wise we had
we three kings of orient are
one in a taxi, one in a car
one on his scooter, beeping his hooter
going to perry bar (birmingham)

and

While shepherds washed their socks by night
all seated round the tub
a bar of sunlight soap came down
and they began to scrub

WicketyPitch Mon 24-Sep-12 23:43:03

there was also one called "Carry on brother john"

When johnny was one, his life had just begun
carry on, carry on , carry on, carry on my brother john
when johnny was 2, he met sexy sue
carry on, carry on, carry on, carry on my brother john.
3 - had her on his knee
4 - had her on the floor
5 - his dick come alive
6 - hand down her knicks
7 - he was in heaven
8 - doctors at the gate
9 - twins were just fine
10 - lets do it all again.

minsmum Mon 24-Sep-12 23:57:37

I got into trouble when my DS taught his little sister
Bloody's in the bible
Bloodys in the book
If you don't believe me
Take a bloody look.

It didn't go down well at the catholic primary school and I have no idea who taught it to him

perfectstorm Mon 24-Sep-12 23:57:57

HiHowAreYou I'm afraid in the version we sang, Lorelei died as well... sad presumably your book used one of the gentler versions (like most playground rhymes, there are a lot).

It's actually a bit disturbing realising how grim a lot of the stuff we took for granted as kids in stories and songs is. Then again, my mother told me once that the original Cinderella has the Ugly Sisters chopping their own toes off to try to fit the slipper, which nobody would have dreamed of reading to us. And Roald Dahl and Harry Potter get pretty gruesome, too.

Thumbwitch Tue 25-Sep-12 02:53:19

This thread has brought back so many memories! And given me some new songs that I didn't know, or variations on ones that I did know.

Perfectstorm - if you read the collected works of both the Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Andersen, a lot of the stories are ones you wouldn't necessarily choose to tell your children! Many of them have been "disneyfied" now of course, so as not to affect the children's sensibilities - but there are always children who love the blood and gore and retribution.

Robinsucks - that "glory glory" song was one we knew as well.

And no one has done the meatball song yet! grin

SarahStratton Tue 25-Sep-12 03:11:36

I got very, very badly told off for coming home and happily singing this to my parents in front of their friends. blush

Wrigleys Spearmint gum, gum, gum.
Stick it up your mother's bum.
She'll begin to hum, hum, hum.
Wrigley's Spearmint gum, gum, gum.

CouthyMowWearingOrange Tue 25-Sep-12 03:32:41

The Fraggle Rock one we used to sing was shock. Aged about 9yo...

(To the Fraggle Rock theme tune)

Oooooooooooooh, down in Fraggle Rock. Swing a Fraggle by its cock. Chuck it in the air. Catch it by its pubic hair. Throw it on the grass. Shove a chainsaw up its arse. Turn the power on. Now the Fraggle's gone.

Oh, and olly olly olly, tits in the trolley, balls in the biscuit tin...

CouthyMowWearingOrange Tue 25-Sep-12 03:35:43

I know a slightly different version of the beans one -

Beans, beans, good for the heart.
The more you eat, the more you fart.
The more you fart, the more you eat,
The more you sit on the toilet seat.

CouthyMowWearingOrange Tue 25-Sep-12 03:39:03

And the English country garden one we used to sing :

What do you do when you've gotta do a poo in an English country garden? Pull down your pants and terrorise the ants, in an English country garden.

And there was also :

My old Man's a dustman,
He wears a dustman's hat.
He farted through the keyhole,
And paralysed the cat.
The table couldn't stand it,
The chairs they fell apart.
And all because of my old Man's
Supersonic fart.

SarahStratton Tue 25-Sep-12 03:55:29

We sang 'terrorise' too, Couthy.

Does anyone know the Diarrhoea song? I can only remember:

When you're sitting on the grass,
And it's coming out your arse.
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea.

CheerfulYank Tue 25-Sep-12 04:03:26

DS is fond of a little ditty that goes:

"A, B, C,D, E, F, G
Gummy bears are after me!
One is red, one is blue,
One is peeing on my shoe
One is blue, one is red,
One is pooping on my head
Now I'm running for my life
'Cause the green one has a knife!"

I ask you. hmm

SarahStratton Tue 25-Sep-12 04:11:53

grin

I give you:

Night, night, sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
If they do use dynamite.
One red, one blue.
All the rest are chicken poo.

Don't ask why, I have no idea.

DS's nursery sing Baa baa black sheep thank goodness. But they also sing a second verse. It starts

Moo, moo Jezebel have you any milk....

But DS never sings any further. Has anyone heard this one?

mrsalwaysawake Tue 25-Sep-12 06:21:52

We sang
Our sergeant major jumped from 40 thousand feet and he ain't gonna jump no more

CouthyMowWearingOrange Tue 25-Sep-12 07:04:33

When you're sitting in a tree
And it's dripping down your knee,
Diarrhoea, diarrhoea.

The sergeant major one we sang as 'Johnny was a Paratrooper in the RAF, Johnny was a Paratrooper in the RAF, Johnny was a paratrooper in the RAF, but he ain't gonna jump no mo-o-ore'.

Then we sang the other verses.

There was also this song, where each line was sung by the song leader, then repeated by everyone else:

Oh you'll never get to heaven
On a Roller Skate
Cos roller skates
Won't get through the pearly gates.

Oh you'll never get to heaven
In a biscuit tin
Cos St. Peter
Won't let you in

Oh you'll never get to heaven
In yer teacher's bra
Cos yer teacher's bra
Won't stretch that far.

We competed to come up with the wildest,it's outlandish verses possible!

I'm going to ask MNHQ to relocate this so we can keep it for the teaching of generations to come grin

LoosingBattle Tue 25-Sep-12 07:55:54

I got into trouble for singing "ba ba black sheep" apparently it is just "sheep". Really?! shock I'm the least racist person in the world but surely that is taking it a bit far?

Ninjahobbit Tue 25-Sep-12 08:06:46

Oh gosh this does bring back memories of being in guides!

I wonder if they are still allowed to sing such songs or if they are all banned.

I must teach my kids these songs grin although they are well past pre-school I could get into just as much trouble

<wonders if you can get 'our' versions on CD?>

Maybe we need a MN choir to record them? Could be MN's next big money spinner!

feetheart Tue 25-Sep-12 10:41:41

SarahStratton - my our version is:

Night night, sleep tight
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
If they do, get a shoe
And beat their little heads in two

There has already been talk of Gareth Malone and a MN choir - we could be onto something here folks smile

I've jsut remembered the chorus we had to We Three Kings:

Star of wonder Star of Night
Sit on a box of dynamite
Light the fuse and you will see
The quickest way to the cemetary.

ByTheWay1 Tue 25-Sep-12 13:52:00

another couple of verses

Oh you'll never get to heaven
In a baked bean tin
Cos a baked bean tin's
got baked beans in.

Oh you'll never get to heaven
In the leader's car
Cos the leader's car
Stops at every bar.

Oh you'll never get to heaven
on a boy scout's knee
Cos ye never know
where his hands might be.

MairyHinge Tue 25-Sep-12 14:10:34

Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was white as soot (?)
And everywhere that Mary went,
It's sooty foot it put.

Mary had a chocolate bar
All on a summers day,
She ate the lot,
Went to the pot,
And pooed it all away.

Miss prolly had a dolly
And her head fell off
( from when my dd's dolls head did fall off)

All these courtesy of my dad.....my kids particularly liked no2!

CheerfulYank Tue 25-Sep-12 14:28:41

OH FFS! Black is a color! I can't believe people don't sing it. I absolutely refuse to believe it. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

KatMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 25-Sep-12 14:59:48

SillyBeardyDaddyman

I'm going to ask MNHQ to relocate this so we can keep it for the teaching of generations to come grin

Hi, we've moved this into Preschool Education now. Thanks.

Thumbwitch Tue 25-Sep-12 15:25:10

Couthy - did you do the chorus in between?

I ain't gonna grie-ee-eeve my Lord,
I ain't gonna grie-ee-eeve my Lord,
I ain't gonna grieve my Lord, my Lord no more, any more.

We had a local bus that fitted nicely as well:
Oh you'll never go to heaven
In a 267
cos a 267
don't go to heaven

there was one about a bottle of gin as well but I don't remember it... wink

Cheers KatMN

I feel it's important to hand this wisdom along to future generations so they can be the cool kids in the playground.

Any thoughts from HQ about a MN choir to record these on cd/mp3 download?

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Tue 25-Sep-12 17:31:02

There never USED to be a bloody crocodile in Row, row row!

FrustratedSycamorePants Tue 25-Sep-12 17:31:34

KatMN you're the best! grin

mrsalwaysawake Tue 25-Sep-12 20:45:25

I've had

Oh you'll never get to heaven
In a biscuit tin
Cos a biscuit tin's
Got biscuits in

In my head all afternoon thanks to you lot!

CouthyMowWearingOrange Tue 25-Sep-12 21:12:41

grin

somewheresomehow Tue 25-Sep-12 22:46:26

our sergeant major jumped from forty thousand feet x3
and he aint gonna jump no more
glory glory what a hell of a way to die with an arrow up your arse and a lump of shiit in your eye
glory glory what a hell of a way to die and he aint gonna jump no more
they scraped him off the tarmac like a lump of strawberry jam x3
and he aint gonna jump no more
glory glory what a hell of a way to die with an arrow up your arse and a lump of
shiit in your eye
they wrapped him up in paper and they sent him home to mum x3
and he aint gonna jump no more
glory glory what a hell of a way to die with an arrow up your arse and a lump of shiit in your eye
she put him on the mantle piece for everyone to see x3
and he aint gonna jump no more
glory glory what a hell of a way to die with an arrow up your arse and a lump of shiit in your eye

eurycantha Sat 13-Oct-12 22:44:17

I worked in a nursery and one I sang was
baa baa black sheep have you any spots?
Yes sir ,yes sir lots and lots.
One on my tummy,one on my toes
And a great big pink one on the end of my nose.
Colour of your choice of course...

greenbananas Sun 21-Oct-12 12:21:03

DH's version of Little Miss Muffet:

^Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
So she ate that as well.^

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