Dd sad at pre school.

(6 Posts)
GrumbleAndGrouse Tue 24-Apr-12 17:23:49

Dd is at the pre school attached to the school she will be attending in sept.

When she started last sept she seemed to love it and to be settling in well.
The end of last term she seemed a bit quieter than usual going in but still was chatty about her day with the odd "I can't memember" thrown in.

Watching her going in she seems to either go to an empty table or go to a group and play alongside rather than with the others iyswim?
The teacher and ta say she's fine when there but she doesnt seem it.

Today at a soft play with a few girls from her class I was watching her and my heart just broke.
All 4 went off together but then 3 came back for juice but dd wasn't with them, none of them said anything, so I went to look for her and found her sobbing as she was stuck.
I gave her a cuddle and the other 3 went off but 2 came back pretty quickly saying x was stuck and crying for her mum. (I'll admit to pfbitis and wondered why they didn't say anything about dd).

Dd then spent most of the time playing by herself.

At home she kept saying x, y and z had left her and shouted at her for crying. She doesnt want to go to preschool tomorrow and she doesn't like it anymore and she's very sad.

I feel like I have massively let her down and have been crying over my sad little girl. She used to be really bubbly and sociable. I know she has a very keen sense of fair play and follows the rules, will tell me/teacher if someone does something rather than retaliate.

I have no idea how to handle this. I want to help her, not make things worse.
My biggest fear is that my dc have my awful social skills and lack of confidence rather than my dp's apparent ease in any given situation and huge circle of friends.
I hated school and want my dc to enjoy it, not be put off before they've even really started.

How do I approach this?

3duracellbunnies Tue 24-Apr-12 21:40:21

I could have written your post last year. Dd2 initially played with child a + b, then children c + d came along (parents around here also have awful ideas for baby names!!). Children c+d were a's younger baby friends. A was used to ruling the roost and b, c and d were happy to go along with it, dd2 wasn't, but still thought of them as her friends, and couldn't understand why her 'best friends' never played with her. She also has a number of other sensory issues about noise, and likes order and rules. Even the teachers were worried about how she would cope with school, she litually had to be dragged there.

Come September, a, c and d were in another class, she made friends with some boys (a previously unknown species), and found them far less complicated, she also liked the increase in structure/ stimulation. As a result she loves school, is now branching out to make more friends and is able to communicate and get others wanting to play her games. The teacher has been great too, getting her interacting with different children. I expressed my concerns from day 1 (well probably day 6) at parent consultation.

Do you think it could be this group of girls, girls can be quite mean sometimes. Is there more than one class? Will new children be coming in sept? Is it worth talking to teacher/ school about not being with x y and z? Just a few children can make a child's life tough. I would discuss it and your observations, as there may be things happening in whispers that the staff haven't noticed.

fwiw a few months ago when she had been sick and had to stay home for 48hrs, dd2 was begging to go to school and accussed me and the school of 'interrupting her learning'. Hopefully your dd will be the same next year!

GrumbleAndGrouse Thu 26-Apr-12 12:35:40

I think it is the dynamic of this group of girls, unfortunately the year dd was born there seems to be a boy boom and there is only 4 girls from her class going up in sept.
The nursery she went to was mainly boys and thinking about it all the toddler groups, my friends dcs etc are mainly boys so maybe socialising with girls is a whole new dynamic for her.
I am hoping there will be more from the other class for her to play with.

I have spoken to her teacher and am thinking about some play dates when the weather dries up.

Thank you for sharing your dds story, it is reassuring to know she is loving school now!

3duracellbunnies Fri 27-Apr-12 02:15:04

Will she be able to swop classes away from those girls? If not keep nurturing the boy friendships. Three out of the four children dd2 usually plays with are boys. Maybe try to identify some fairly mellow boys and invite them one at a time for a play date. I think gaining confidence with the boys has encouraged her to mingle more with the girls. I don't think it matters until yr 2 or 3 at least who they play with. If it is further consolation when we discussed it the other day in relation to ds going, she completely denied disliking nursery so what were those 4 terms of emotional turmoil all about? Now, can I sue my children against their future debt earnings so I can dye each grey hair they give me?

Jenni145 Wed 02-May-12 14:42:59

I've not had this issue with my child, but I had this issue personally when I was at school - I started off in Primary 1 with a few friends and my older cousin, then one of them moved away, and I was allright for the first few years but then I got very lonely and was excluded from playground games as I was shy and not good at PE. Anyway, my mum sent me to an after school club and I'd sit alone, not talk to anyone, some girls would sneer at me and be mean, the staff would tell my mum that I was obviously not happy there but she just kind of ignored it? But anyway, in the end my brother punched someone and got kicked out permanently which worked out well for me as my mum took me out too! Throughout Primary & Secondary school I was very isolated and alone - my mum sometimes said it was partly my own fault for not putting myself out there more.. I befriended a few girls when I was about 12 and they were okay for a year or so, but then they all turned against me and would say lets meet out the back for lunch, then they would meet at the front, and things like that. I self harmed, spoke to psychiatrists etc etc... In the end, I still to this day have never really had a close friend, but I have a few that I'm friends with, and after my personal experiences I am extremely weary of people and do keep a certain distance. So, don't overlook these early experiences as it may have consequences later on, such as it has for me!

GrumbleAndGrouse Wed 09-May-12 10:32:47

Oh jenni, i am so sorry for your experiences. I suffered at school and still am weary of trusting people but am slowly getting there. I hope you do too.

This is what i am petrified of happening to my dc. I have spoken to the teacher and 1 of the girls isn't going to the school in September as she didn't get a place so the dynamic will change.
I am trying to change myself so i am more comfortable having people in my home. All the other mums are friends and that has obviously influenced their dc in school as they are comfortable with each other already-if that makes sense?

Dd has 2 boys that she loves playing with but they didn't get into the school. She has seemed happier lately so its making me wonder if i am projecting my feelings and memories of school on her? I don't want to dismiss it but don't want to go over the top and end up making things worse!

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