How to talk about 'Stranger Danger' with pre-schoolers.

[Hangingbellyofbabylon]

Dd is 4 at the end of August so one of the young ones in the year and starting reception in September. Today she went on a trip with playgroup to an education centre which has facilities to teach about road safety, safety in the home, stranger danger etc.

I didn't pick her up today but my FIL did and he was taken aside by the playgroup leader to say that during one of the exercises she went off with a stranger who offered her an icecream. Playgroup are now really worried and have asked me to talk to her about today. I have explained about people we know and trust and strangers and she got quite upset and said 'no mummy, I don't want you to talk about that'. I don't know if she got upset because she realised she did something 'wrong' at playgroup, or if she is scared by it.

I feel a bit foolish for not having properly addressed this with her - we have spent a lot of time talking about road safety and she is superb when we're out and holds my hand and walks really sensibly. I have also talked a bit about who can help her if she wets herself or anything and who can help her in the toilet etc. We've also explained all about how babies are made in the correct terms and she is fine with it all. I think part of the reason I haven't really gone in to stranger danger too much is because I'm worried about how to talk about it without scaring her. I know she needs to know but she is ever so young and little things really upset her (like all children).

I was wondering if anyone had any tips? also are there any books available that address the issue?

[Carnival]

Hi,

Hugs from me, you must have got a fright! Don't beat yourself up about it, we all tend to introduce new stuff in bitesize chunks and you just hadn't gotten round to it.

I've just bought the Duchess of York's book, "Daisy Learns about Stangers" - it is a really simple narrative about a little girl walking off in a shop and what happened next; how it upset her mummy, made her scared, who she should go to, etc. It doesn't go into detail about the 'what if' scenarios, it has a little rhyme about what not to do and I thought it was an ok introduction to the topic and not too heavy handed. There may be more comprehensive books out there, but this was lighthearted and a good starting point for us

[Hangingbellyofbabylon]

Thanks Carnival - I think I've seen that range of books in the local Lloyds pharmacy- I'll have a look out for it.

[funnypeculiar]

Blimey, that's scary. DS is also 4 & I've avoided the stranger danger talk too - I feel there's always someone with an eye on him & don't want him to feel threatened (we've only just calmed him down about burglers

Bump for any more advice - I'll look out for that book too, Carnival.

[Hangingbellyofbabylon]

Thanks, I was starting to feel like I must be the only one out there who hasn't done stranger danger yet - actually I am surprised dd went off with the man as she is bright and chatty but generally very wary with people she does not know - if the librarian tries to talk to her she kind of hides behind me until I start talking and she knows it's ok. I have a sneaking suspicion that she probably went off with the man as she thought it was the 'right' thing to do - she was on a trip with playgroup and may have been trying to please the teachers by playing along with the story rather than thinking it through. Oh I don't know, I'm not usually like this but I've got myself in a bit of state about it all now. So silly, I know it's not the end of the world.

[MadamePlatypus]

I am quite surprised that a pre-schooler would have an opportunity to talk to a stranger alone unless they got lost. What was the person offering the ice-cream doing in the education centre and where were the playgroup staff at this point?

I think its very difficult to explain stranger danger to a 3 year old. I would expect school age children to be able to begin to understand the concept, but I certainly wouldn't expect a 3 year old to understand it reliably.

[IdrisTheDragon]

Am quite glad to see this thread as DS is 4.7 and we haven't really talked about stranger danger with him either.

Will also look out for the book Carnival.

[IdrisTheDragon]

[Hangingbellyofbabylon]

sorry, I didn't explain very well, this was actually an actor in the centre - the place is called 'streetwise' and they have all different scenarios set up in a big warehouse - a house with loads of 'hazards' in it, a full size zebra crossing etc so she didn't actually go off with a stranger but was taking part in an exercise.

[Hangingbellyofbabylon]

here: www.streetwise.org.uk/

[MadamePlatypus]

Oh sorry - they were trying to teach 3 year olds about stranger danger. I was confused. I still think that playgroup are nuts if they expect your 3 year old daughter to understand how to act in a scenario like that. Maybe she correctly concluded that the actor was a nice man, and didn't understand the difference between real life and the story that she was acting out.

[PortAndLemon]

DS is 3.5. Nursery have talked to them about strangers but TBH it seems only to have sunk in to the point that he asks whether random people (or random dogs, or, on one occasion, a random poster of Desmond Tutu) are strangers. And I think he is convinced that once someone has spoken to him they are no longer a stranger . I don't think you can make a child understand the concepts if they aren't ready.

[happystory]

Hmmm, I think this is a bit of an odd way to approach this subject with preschoolers. She was there with her preschool staff, all familiar to her and there's this man who the staff seem to know- I would guess she thought it was part of the game and she should play along.

We use books about baby animals straying away from their mummies etc.

I don't think you should be beating yourslf up about not talking to her about this previously, she's 3 after all.

[BernieBear]

I recently spent an afternoon with my ds at pre-school and they broached the subject with the children about what to do if someone they don't know talks to them in the park etc. It suddenly occurred to me that it is probably a subject that I should talk about with him, but again, not sure how to do it without scaring him. Would be interested in further advice: are there any books specifically for boys on the subject?

[funnypeculiar]

Ah, I hadn't read the OP properly either.

Blimey, I'm not surprised she didn't get it - I wouldn't have thought many 3 yo could distinguish between staff & actors.... I'd trust your viewpoint of your child & her normal behaviour around 'real' strangers more tbh

[Hangingbellyofbabylon]

not sure what this would be like: www.dangerspot.co.uk/strangerdangers.htm

[MadamePlatypus]

I think its quite difficult to explain in a way that a pre-schooler will really understand. There are loads of posters at our local shopping centre telling a little story about a girl getting lost and what she should do.

The drill is:

1. Try to find the person you came with
   
2. Go to the till of the nearest shop and ask the person behind the till. (Who in this shopping centre would be briefed what to do).
   
   Do not talk to anybody else.
   
   However, I know that if DS thinks he is lost (e.g. in a soft play centre), his instinct is to tell somebody who looks like a mummy, not a member of staff. This could lead him into trouble, but to be honest, I can see where he is coming from.
   
   Its difficult to explain the subtleties of stranger danger to somebody who is only just getting to grips with human relationships. I think that children learn about stranger danger over years, not days. Hopefully they will have got some kind of helpful message by the time they are 16.

[DRAGON30]

This is something that we are starting to think about with DD1 (4.6). She is utterly fearless,and will talk to EVERYONE!. Frankly, I like her outgoing personality, and while I am aware that I must try and get her to be a little more discriminating, I really do not want to scare her. I get a bit annoyed with kids who hide behind their Mum and refuse to talk (sorry!). At the moment, we tell her that she must not talk to strangers unless we are close by, and have spoken about what she should do if she gets lost. To be honest, I am a bit about the whole Stranger Danger thing -I have relatives who work for the Police/Social Services, so perhaps I have a different, and dare I say more realistic take on it. My kids are are in far more danger from new DP's, relatives, friend's Dads etc than they ever will be from perverts lurking in the bushes,and I would rather concentrate on getting her to avoid inappropriate behavior rather than concentrate on th Stranger thing. Trouble is , I'm not sure how to approach that either!

[cory]

I am not sure I like the sound of this preschool exercise; provocation by actors might lead to her getting permanently confused and not knowing what rules to obey. This sounds far too sophisticated for children of this age. How do the playschool know that she has a genuine problem with real life scenarios and didn't just think she was meant to act her part in the entertainment?

I told my children about stranger danger as and when needed, e.g. when they started getting more responsibility. When they started playing alone out the front we did the not-going-off-with-somebody-else talk; when I took them out for the day on various occasions we did the what-if-you-get-lost talk.

But 3 is still very young; the main responsibility at this age lies with the carer. Children this age should quite simply not be left unsupervised- so stranger danger shouldn't really occur.

[MsDemeanor]

She's THREE FFS! Of course she went off with a stranger who offered her ice cream. Stupid, stupid nursery. The WHOLE POINT is that she should be properly supervised. She's not old enough to be expected to make judgements about who is safe to be with and who isn't. That's your job and the job of those paid to care for her. This story has really annoyed me, actually.

[seeker]

I don't do stranger danger - in my experience it just makes children rude to random grannies in buses and wouldn't protect them from a skillful abductor in the from the vanishingly small likliehood that they should come across one.

I do hope you have removed your child immediately from the nursery that let this happen - if she can wander off unnoticed to buy and ice cream she could also have wandered off onto a busy road or under the fence. It is up to adults to protect small children.

[liath]

Seeker I think the ice-cream scenario was set up to see what the children would do. I totally agree with your post otherwise, though. I don't think a 3 year old could be taught stranger danger in any meaningful way that would protect them. I've told dd that if she ever gets lost to go to another mummy with children and ask for help.

[seeker]

Oh, I misread it - sorry

It's just I feel so strongly about this business of making children fearful I leaped in with my two great size 9 left feet!

[hana]

I wouldn't do stranger danger with my 3 year old, she's too young to really understand the issue. Have talked about it with my 6 year old - but in a more general sense.

3 years old? I'd have concerns about what the nursery is trying to promote here.

[mrsflowerpot]

What an odd thing to have done as an exercise - I get the road safety etc bits but this sort of set up's entirely inappropriate for stranger danger imo. I don't think you should panic - she's not 4 yet, of course she doesn't get it. I think the nursery have cocked up here actually - they've left her confused and upset about this and it's going to be harder to address the issue than it should be.

[Aitch]

i would be absolutely fucking LIVID with the playgroup, tbh. she's not old enough to understand roleplaying in a safe environment with adults who mummy and daddy have 'okayed' at nursery, and its significance in a wider societal context. what next, you'll get a message saying that she thinks she's a princess who can ride on a flying horse because she's been playing in the dressing up box? i would be furious with them, i really would.