What do I do - a member of staff at dd2's preschool has excluded her from her dd's party

[startouchedtrinity]

Dd2 goes to a very small pre-school. It's part of our local community and all the staff have dcs at the local school and live in the village. Some mornings dd2 plays with a little girl when we are waiting to go in and dd2 talks about her a lot at home. Her mother is one of the pre-school teachers. On Friday I was waiting with someother mums to pick up when they started talking about this little girl's birthday party, and one little girl who has only just started had been invited, but not my dd. From what I can gather the rest of the pre-school has (about 10 dcs). I've never been made aware of any problems with dd2 and I thought me and the mum got on okay, although she did have a go at dh when he helped one day for taking dd2 to wash her hands.

If it was another mum I'd be miffed but put it down to my face not fitting. But this is a staff member of a very small pre-school and I am wondering just what her problem with my dd2 is, and how this might be affecting how she gets treated when I am not around. Dd2 and this little girl will be in the same class at school and our older dds are also in the same class.

What should I do? Should I have a word with the supervisor? If it gets out that I've made a complaint I will get snubbed in the village as she is very popular. Should I just let it go?

[fireflyfairy2]

I would check very carefully that dd hadn't actually got an invitation & left it laying behind.

Do they have boxes? Or drawers that their stuff goes in? I know when dd was at playgroup she had a box with her name on it that I had to check every day for invitations & cards etc....

[startouchedtrinity]

Everything gets put in a book bag and I've checked that. Besides, teh staff member was there on Friday talking about who was coming and who wasn't and she didn't ask me if dd2 was going, just avoided my eye.

[fireflyfairy2]

Do you think, as far as you know, that dd is the only child that wasn't invited?

Oh yes, I'd want to know what her problem was if that were the case... but if there were a few children not invited then I wouldn't worry.

Has your dd had a party & not asked this little one?

I remember dd asked a few girls to her b'day party & one of them couldn't come as she had to go to a relatives party on the same day. Then when it was said girls b'day party she said to dd "I'm not asking you to my party as I didn't even go to yours & it wouldn't be fair!" Said with hands on hips in front of me & her mum... who I have to say was horrified! I can laugh about it now.....

[MaryAnnSingleton]

blimey, these things are a minefield - I'd quite forgotten as ds is 10 now...hope you can sort it out - it makes me so sad to think of little ones being left out.

[startouchedtrinity]

As far as know dd2 is the only one not invited. As said, a new little girl, whose mum didn't even know which is us is the little girl's mum, has an invite. And I can scarcely go around asking w/out looking desperate. My guess is she'll claim it was 'lost' if I say anything.

Fortunately it seems to be going over dd2's head.

[CissyCharlton]

Say absolutely nothing.

If it is a deliberate snub this lady will be looking for a reaction. Don't give her one.
If it's an oversight, she'll eventually realise it and respect you for not making a fuss.

You and your daughter have to see these people every day.

[startouchedtrinity]

The left out thing is annoying but hey, people do that. It's the fact she teaches dd2 at pre-school that bothers me. Does she exclude her there too?

[LaBoheme]

sounds awful - I would have to say something, but straight to the horses' mouth so to speak.
In fact, I would probably call her up directly and be super nice and polite and say "DD heard about your DD b'day party and she was upset that she wasn't invited, seeing how they get on so well. Have I done anything to offend you?"
Just to see what she can reply to that...and you would have not done a thing wrong.

[Carmenere]

Poor you that is very difficult. Perhaps after the party have a word and ask is there a problem and tell her that you were concerned because she is one of your dd's teachers. She has to understand your perfectly valid concerns. I mean it wouldn't be a problem if the girls wern't friends.

[startouchedtrinity]

Thank you, I think you are both right. Trouble is I hate having to be assertive with the other mums - teachers, even dd1's terrifying new one, I can deal with. I think I will probably cry.

Hey ho, has to be done.

Thanks again.

[wheresthehamster]

Not "have I done anything to offend you"!

If you have to say something, and personally I wouldn't, then something along the lines of "have our dds fallen out?" would be more appropriate. After all it is a child's party

[startouchedtrinity]

I agree, but I think dd2 is being used to get at us.

[CissyCharlton]

Don't let her get to you. Show her you are above that by ignoring it. She'll soon move on to her next victim.

[Cammelia]

Why do you think that startt?

[fireflyfairy2]

Why do you think she wants to get at you stt?

[SofiaAmes]

I would say to her in front of a few others. (Make sure you do this in a really sweet sweet voice)...."I am so sorry, but I heard all the other girls talking with my dd about your dd's party coming up and my dd's is so excited about going. She's even picked out a present. But the invitation seems to have disappeared between school and me and I don't even know what day it is. Could you just give me the time and date again, so I can put it in my calendar. Dd was planning to get XX for your dd, does that sound like something she would like?"
She'd have to be pretty overtly rude (much easier to deal with than current underground passive agressive rude) to refuse your dd to the party.

[MaryAnnSingleton]

I wouldn't want m,y dd to go actually !

[fireflyfairy2]

I wouldn't either!

[BBBee]

I would do nothing.

Even if she has some kind of issue with you she would have to be made of pretty horrible stuff to carry it over to the way she treats your DD in preschool.

Am glad to hear it is going over your DD's head.

[LaBoheme]

WTH yes I actually sgree - it should be "have dd's fallen out?"

just say it nicely - see what her reaction is....I oersonally would have to or it would bug me big time
good luck x

[fillyjonk]

jesus fkn christ

that is a hard situation but am just really

I wouldn't rise to it, would ignore it if it happened and my dc wasn't upset.

BUT I would separately satisfy myself regarding how your dd2 was being treated in preschool.

I think what I'd probably do is tell the supervisor IN CONFIDENCE what you are concerned about. Say you don't give a feck about the party, but you think this is odd behaviour and you want to be sure that there is nothing going on at nursery.

[LIZS]

agree with fj . It isn't the party that is the issue but your fear that your dd is somehow being treated differently. It may well be an oversight and you've misread the lack of eye contact but worth just checking all is well otherwise. btw your dh may have inadvertently contravened their CRB policy so it wasn't actually anything personal.

[fillyjonk]

yes, whats with the telling off of the dp?

Am a bit mystified here. If, say, non CRB-checked adults aren't allowed in certain area of the building, the thing to say surely is "excuse me, I'm very sorry but we can't let you in to the children's toilets because....". Not to have a go at him.

She sounds delightful. WHY is she so popular?

[startouchedtrinity]

Thank you everyone so much for your messages, I am really glad that you don't think I am getting fussed over nothing.

Yes, it is definitely that I am worried about how dd2 may be treated at pre-school rather than her missing the party that bothers me - kids not getting invites happens all the time (one mum had two parties at a soft play centre so she could have 40 children in shifts and still dd1 didn't get an invite!)

The reason I think she could be getting at us is that dh doesn't really hide the fact he doesn't rate her professionally. This goes back to when she started and dd1 was there, dh and dd1 were out walking and met her out with her dds and when dd1 said hello she blanked her! Dh wasn't aware of the CRB thing (although I knew that is why she picked him up on it) but dd2 wanted help with her hands and the staff weren't about - actually had she asked she'd have found that dh has been CRB checked by the school. I agree filly, just a 'oh, sorry, have you been CRB checked' etc would have done, not haviong a go like he was suspect for washing his own dd's hands. And without sounding sexist there aren't that many dads queueing to help out at pre-schools around here.

I have thought of another possibility as to why she may have left dd2 out. 7 mo ago dd2 turned 3 and got a thing about birthday cakes and blowing out candles. A couple of weeks' later at pre-school a little boy with a similar-sounding name had his birthday and dd2 got a bit confused and wanted to blow out his candles. The lovely supervisor handled it well and it was fine. But I am wondering if the mum may think dd2 would somehow spoil her dd's big moment? In which case that speaks volumes about how much benefit of the doubt she gives to even little children. Besides, she should know that in 6 mo a child makes massive leaps and dd2 knows how to behave at parties, and anyway one of us would have stayed and could distract in necessary - we wouldn't dump and run. It doesn't say much about her own ability to handle situations like that.

I do have concerns about the pre-school, mainly due to the inexperience of the staff, but the supervisor is so lovely and has really taken to my dd2, who is a bit eccentric, bless her (maybe her face just doesn't fit b/c of that?) and tbh I don't think we could afford the nearest alternative.

Dd2 spent bath time telling me how much she likes playing with this little girl .

Thanks again, everyone.

[Flocci]

I think it is perfectly understandable to be concerned especially given that you all live in a fairly small community so any awkwardness makes life difficult. As you can only keep stewing about this I would advise having a quiet but friendly word - even if you have to bite your tongue off to stop a row. As someone has already suggested, try adopting the idea that maybe the lo's have fallen out and that you just want to check all is ok - hopefully whatever her problem is she should respect you for approaching her in a calm and dignified manner and you might be able to clear the air a little and put your mind at ease. No rows or commotion or unpleasantness or accusations just an honest friendly chat.

Mind you, if it does turn out that she is just a pathetic spiteful bitch not sure how you proceed but at least you will know where you stand .......!