3 year old pushing and hitting at pre-school

[Wifey123]

Hi everyone - this is my first post so be kind

I'm coming to the end of my tether now DS started pre-school in September (he didn't attend nursery before this, he stayed at home with me), he hit a few bumps along the way in his first couple of weeks (I.e was too excited playing with all the other children that he got a bit boisterous and would accidentally knock a child over/fall on them). Then we had a nice steady October where he was acting as he should and making friends.

These past few weeks, I am constantly being given incident cards (notes telling me that he's done something wrong like hit or push a child). He goes to pre-school 3 mornings per week and I get given an incident card every single time I pick him up and I have ran out of ideas on what to do about it!

He does not push or hit anybody when he's at home/at a relatives house or while I'm with him in public, therefore I'm finding it even more difficult as I can't witness it for myself to know why he is doing what he's doing. The staff at the pre-school have told me that sometimes there is a reason behind his behaviour (a child playing with something that he wants and they won't share/he won't wait for them to finish) and sometimes there is no reason at all.

I feel like a complete failure every time I pick him up from nursery as everyone who meets him comments on how well mannered he is and how polite and then I pick him up from nursery and get told about this whole other side to him

When he plays up at home, he goes and sits on the naughty step until he is ready to apologise, and when he does apologise he always gives a kiss and a hug. If he is very naughty, he will go for a longer time out in his room and depending on what he has done, some of his favourite toys are taken off him - this is a rarity as he never usually does something THAT terrible, just the odd temper tantrum.

Can anyone please give me some advice so that I don't come home and secretly shed some tears?

Ps, I'm sorry this post is so long!

Thanks xx

[Wifey123]

Anybody?

[FineAsWeAre]

I work in early years and I've never heard of incident cards, an incident report for something serious yes but pushing or hitting is common toddler/pre-school behaviour. It must be disheartening to be given negative feedback about your child so often but it sounds like you're doing all the right things and there's not much else you can do if you're not there when it happens! What strategies has his key person discussed with you/ put in place? If nothing, you need to bring that up with them, it's up to them to deal with unwanted behaviour while he's in their care. It may just be a phase, I've seen it so many times, but if they're inconsistent in how they handle it and don't get to the bottom of why he's doing it, it won't stop. Ask for a meeting with his key person to discuss.

[FrayedHem]

How are his play and social skills in general at the park/soft play etc? Sometimes pushing can be because the social skills are a little immature - trying to instigate play. Obviously it needs to be stopped, but if he struggles to strike up a play request to his peers, the nursery could encourage some structured turn-taking games, modelling the behaviour they want.

[FrayedHem]

And also you can do role play at home centred around asking each other to play.

He may also be struggling to find activities to play with, as sometimes the free play element can be a bit overwhelming. Maybe ask the nursery what he is engaging in well there to give a balanced overview.

[Brown76]

What do pre school do when he does this behaviour? Your system at home sounds very consistent, so I was just wondering how they correct the behaviour in the setting?

[Wifey123]

Thank you everyone for your reassurance.

I had a brain wave at the weekend - I sat down with all of his little action figures and named each one of them after him and his nursery friends, and the biggest one after his key worker. I re-enacted different scenarios (using the action figures) and asked him if this was a naughty or a nice thing do to. He recognised all of the "naughty" scenarios and when I asked him why it was naughty, he told me it wasn't nice to push/hit his friends. I then asked what the action figure should do, he said "say sorry and ask if he/she's okay". I then re-enacted "nice" scenarios and his response was "Awww that's better!" Then I asked him which he thought was a better scenario and he said "to be nice". After doing this a fair few times over the weekend I had my fingers crossed that it had sunk in..

I think it did as I've picked him up from nursery today and no incident note!

The nursery staff sit the children down in the corner of the room with a book for them to "settle down". I had a long talk with my husband about this and he thinks DS is challenging the authority at nursery as their form of discipline is far less strict than ours - therefore proving a bit less effective. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that there are boundaries that they need to abide by and they don't have a "naughty" step or a separate room to send children to when they've took it a step too far, and they can't take the toys off one child etc. So I think this must be a big bump in the road that we have to overcome.

My son hasn't had a consistent key worker, when he started he had one, then it switched to another as the first had been promoted to manager, then they employed another girl and she was his key worker and today I found out that she has left to be a stay at home mom again so that he has yet another key worker. Could this be effecting his behaviour?

[shuangnick]

I will say no to u for the punishment u exert on him eg.pented up in the room/take off the toy. it seems to work but it really doesn't work, what's even worth it'll form a negative effect on ur DS. child is always trying his best to make things perfect even if some behaviors look rude/unreasonable in our vision. don't try to reasoning to him, it totally doesn't work. it's much better to give him a warm hug when he is crying for the toy in another boy's hand and turn to another toy similar to the former one. if he still wants the toy or even hit others, stop him with holding his hands and keep on hug him warmly, tell him that he cannot hit people and if he feels frustrated and sad, he can hug u for a while.and keep doing that till he calms down.this is a better way to help him conquer his anger and control his emotion instead of reasoning or punishing.
second, the nursery is totally BU by using an incident card, also they are far beyond professional. they don't know how to deal with problem ,even they are ignorance of the childhood education.strongly suggest to change someone is profession.

[insancerre]

Find a new nursery as this one sounds absolutely rubbish
They have no idea about child development or meeting children's needs
3 things jump out at me
The incident cards is an awful idea and serves no purpose whatsoever
It's just not appropriate to do this
They should be dealing with the behaviour at the time not complaining to you about it afterwards
It's not very good behaviour management
The other thing that stokes me as inappropriate is expecting children to settle with a book
That's not appropriate and is probably done because they don't have the staff needed to properly engage the children
Children are active learners and need to be busy doing, not sitting still
It's not your little boy, it's them
They are responsible for his behaviour

[insancerre]

The third thing is that the manager is newly promoted
Are there any staff with degrees or early years teachers?
Settings really need a highly qualified staff team to deliver high quality care