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The little things that throw you long down the line(12 Posts)
Funniest things aren't they?
DD1 is long since out of NICU and hospital and people look at me like I'm lying when I say she was premature as she's so tall! (I still have mental health issues but they're linked to the behaviour of the hospital rather than the prematurity issues)
However I've been in a right royal tizzie since the weekend for the daftest bloody reason on the planet and I can't seem to unfuck my head over this (I will do given time - more annoyed it's gotten to me to be honest)!
We went to the outlet shopping place near us on Sunday and the penny suddenly dropped that we hadn't been there with the kids in tow - and the last time I was there I was pregnant with DD1, and it was the Easter Sunday when my parents were visiting... and when we got home from there and they went off to the hotel they were staying in - I realised I'd been having stomach pains at regular intervals all day and headed off to hospital to be checked out and so on.
Stupid but it's just completely thrown me no end to make that dammed connection in my head again!
Sorry you are feeling like this. After my ds was born it was about a year before it all hit. Certain things can trigger it and they aren't always directly linked to the actual birth if that makes sense?! It was a certain film we were watching before my waters broke that can bring back the feelings of pure panic. Going into a certain shop where I went the day before and like you I was starting to go into labour with back pain.
It has taken along time for this to pass (he is five now) Have you talked to anyone else about it? I didn't bother talking to others about it if they had not experienced it as I think its hard to understand. Bliss were good though?
I find silly things still throw me. DD is now 3 and over the last few years I had a long and extremely helpful course of counselling. I previously had PTSD with bad anxiety and was on antidepressants too for a good year or so. I thought I was all "better" but just recently it takes nothing to set me off and things all come flooding back. Some days I feel like its struggling through a fog again or like living in the past; most unsettling! I agree with plenty, talking with people who hadn't experienced it often had the opposite effect and made me feel I was going even more more. I did find Bliss very helpful and also other parents who had gone through similar situations and who just know what it is like. Like you say, you know it WILL pass (or you will jolly well make it!) it's just rubbish waiting for it to do so.
miaow I think it's normal to have those feelings, but I agree that perhaps you could talk to someone.
It takes time to heal and to be in peace. DS is now 3.5 and it took me a long time to accept that it wasn't my fault that he was a preem and I have long periods that I don't even remember it.
I am now 7 weeks pregnant with dc2 and I'm a bit terrified. I keep having flash memories. People keep saying how well DS is doing and that you would never know he was a preem, so I shouldn't worry if the second one is preem as well. I feel angry because it seems no one understands how bloody difficult it was.
I hope you'll feel better soon.
I agree that with time it gets easier and I found the guilt very hard to deal with over the first few years.
Liquid I have just had my second prem and to be honest it has been far easier this time. I was warned baby would come early so prepared myself for it as much as I could. Dd ended up in the same place in special care as ds and we were on the same ward. I hope you go to term and understand the fear of it happening again.
thanks plenty. it's reassuring to hear that the second time csn be slightly easier. I am trying to calm down myself and trying to be rational about it in case it happens again.
How are you feeling miaow?
3 years on and every single time I see a neonatal transport ambulance I burst into floods of tears. Weirdly, reminders of other stuff surrounding his birth and stay in NICU I don't react to in that way. I think it's because DS was transferred at 6 weeks old from the big teaching hospital 10 mins down the road from us where he was born, to a much smaller place an hour away, all because of a lack of cots in NICU. All the other stuff that happened was 'one of those things' that nobody could have done anything about. But the transfer was entirely down to lack of resources - ie political priorities in neonatal care, and hospital administrators without an ounce of humanity who thought it was acceptable to transfer a tiny, still very sick baby without even telling us until he was in the ambulance, reintubate and stick him full of IVs for the journey, and set him back at least 10 days, not even accounting for all the stuff that happened subsequently. The new hospital did their best but the competence and level of care was on a different planet - DS put on no weight at all for 5 weeks because of their incompetence, and has stayed on the 2nd centile ever since despite being born on the 50th. Our local big teaching hospital then initially refused to take his care back on when he was discharged - new hospital nurse took 45 minutes to get them to see sense. I still boil with fury at what happened and how it was all dealt with.
Phew, looks like I needed to get that out! I'm now 23 weeks pregnant with DC3 and feeling surprisingly relaxed all things considered!
I'm not surprised to burst into tears over that it sounds like a complete nightmare! I was amazed by the lack of support this time round due to resources. There is a five year gap between my two prems and they just basically put me in a room and ignored me this time round. I did know what I was doing to be fair, but it worries me that if I hadn't would I have been offered the support?! Staff were clearly stressed and my meds were missed on numerous occasions and I had to pull them up on basics like wadhing their hands begore handling baby. Not the best place to be.
I agree that it is the smallest, most unexpected things which can haul you back.
I can easily have a conversation with DS2's barber about the lump behind his ear (a VP shunt as DS2 has hydrocephalus due to bleeds on the brain when he was born at 30+5 weeks) and how amazing it is and not even think twice.
But stand me in the sun at sports day at my older DCs school and I am back in my pregnant self at 30 weeks without a care in the world, oblivious to the fear and worry just around the corner. It really upsets me.
I had PTSD and counselling really helped. I do think it's normal to feel like this though. Such a terrible experience has to dig deep grooves and it's easy to fall back into them. The hardest thing is not getting stuck there.
miaow tuna sandwiches always take me back. I remember coming back from NICU for the first time and struggling to get back into bed without exposing myself/bursting my stitches/tripping over my catheter. Then it was tea time and I was eating my tuna sandwich in bed thinking there was no way I was ever getting out of that bed ever again!
liquid we had a lot of "don't worry, he'll be fine" when DS4 was born without really acknowledging that having a baby in hospital for 4 weeks is hard, having your baby cut out of you really hurts and just because neither of us is in danger doesn't make it "fine".
I nipped in to a local coffee shop the other day that I have been to numerous times since 'it' happened but all of a sudden I got totally overwhelmed, it was lunchtime and there were lots of NHS badges around, i noticed they had a new sign listing their smoothies and all of a sudden I remembered my DH wheeling me in a wheelchair to this coffee shop out of hospital, still with my cannula and catheter bag hidden under a blanket and DH ordering me food (and a smoothie) to get my strength up.
Sometimes I still can't believe it actually happened.
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