This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

I feel pushed into terminating :(

(15 Posts)
erin89 Mon 26-Sep-16 13:35:24

Hello everyone,

Thank you for reading this post, I'm fairly new to this so please excuse my lack of lingo. I could really use any words of encouragement from an outsider or anyone who has been in a similar situation as I don't have anyone in my real life to talk to about it.

I have had someone in my life for over a year now, he really is the most special person I've ever met and I love him dearly. In January this year we were both shocked to find out I was pregnant as we were being so careful. I ended up having a medical termination at 5 weeks and can say honestly it was the worst decision I've ever made. I feel like I was pushed into it by my partner because he was so forceful about not wanting it and would sometimes say quite hurtful things to make me feel bad about the possibility of going through with it. The experience itself was very traumatic and I didn't cope very well, and until present day it still hurts so much emotionally, it hurts to be around people talking about pregnancy or having children. I know that sounds very strange.

I had an operation booked for two weeks time and because I'd missed a period the hospital needed to do a pregnancy test during my pre op. Imagine my shock on to discover I am pregnant again. We understood how it may have happened the first time as I had been quite ill but this time we are baffled as I've been told that most antibiotics don't interfere with the pill.

I am heartbroken that I am back in this situation. This time I am being as firm as I can and speaking up for myself but my partner is so forceful about not wanting it. He's even tried to say he's 'flabbergasted' that I would even consider keeping it and in no uncertain terms said because I sometimes suffer from anxiety how could I consider having a child when I would pass all of that onto the child and the child would end up being messed up. He's also said he feel physically sickened by the thought of it.

I know I didn't choose this situation but all I can do is try to deal with it and I'm not sure what to do. When I think about this pregnancy and having a child, I feel so happy it makes me cry. I know I would be the best parent I could be. When I think about terminating I just see all of that hurt and heartbreak again. He has said he will be there for me more afterwards this time if I can be more open about how I feel but I don't think it will help.

So I guess my problem is that I'm really struggling here . I am not in the best situation to have a child, I still live at home and I don't think my dad would be too happy with me bringing a baby into the house. I don't have a very supportive manager at work, she's not a very good manager in general and she would be very annoyed. I don't feel like anyone would be very happy if I told them I was keeping it because I'm on my own and I'm afraid more people will be angry at me. But I don't think I can go through an abortion again. It tore me apart.

I know the decision I make I need to be behind 100% and I'm not ruling anything out.

If anyone with any sort of insight or with a similar story could reply I would really appreciate it.
Thanks smile

1potato2potato3potato4 Mon 26-Sep-16 13:43:30

It has to be your decision, that's all I can say.
I fell pregnant accidentally (2 forms of contraception!!) last year. No one, but no one would have thought I should have continued with the pregnancy, least of all the father. But I'm very glad I did. However, that was my choice.
I'm sorry to say, that whether you continue with the pregnancy or not I do think you should re-evaluate the relationship and whether it is in your best interests to remain with this man. flowers

Thatwaslulu Mon 26-Sep-16 13:47:00

Poor you.

1. Your manager's reaction is not relevant. She shouldn't be a factor in deciding whether you keep this baby or not - if you do keep it, and your employment suffers as a result, then that is discrimination and is unlawful.

2. I have been in a similar situation with an abusive ex who forced me to have a termination when I became pregnant unexpectedly. I didn't feel strongly about keeping it (and didn't want to lose him) so went along with it, but it was very clear that if I had made even one move towards keeping the baby, I would be punished. I have never really got over the termination, despite now having a healthy teenage son with my lovely husband, because I have secondary infertility and have suffered miscarriages - although I know rationally this is not the case, I feel that it is karma for the abortion so it's not silly to feel upset and devastated about your own termination. It's normal.

3. You say your partner is a wonderful man, and you love him dearly. Have you ever discussed the possibility of having children, outside of the situation where you have found yourself unexpectedly pregnant? Is it a timing issue, or does he not see himself as a father ever? Do you want children? If you have opposing views on whether the time will ever be right to have a child, then perhaps the relationship is not for the best.

4. Your father may be angry, surprised, shocked, disappointed at first (you don't say how old you are) but at the end of the day he is your dad and will support you whatever you decide to do. My parents were very shocked when I became pregnant with our son, as I wasn't married and they hadn't even met my (now) husband. They calmed down and now love our son so much that he considers their home his second home.

Only you can decide, but you must make the decision based on your own plans for the future and not worry about what others think of you. You and your partner need to talk honestly about whether having children at any point is the plan, and then decide from there. Good luck.

Krissy7530 Tue 27-Sep-16 02:49:54

I have been on this forum for about 9 months. I started out with similar feelings to yours. Everyone was telling me to terminate (and I was telling myself) but I just felt that if I went through with it that it would break me. I will never truly know as I let time run out. And now every bone in my body aches from exhaustion and I often can't even think straight but in the next room, in her crib, is a beautiful sweet baby girl that I can't even imagine, almost wasn't. (No one can tell you what is right for you. Regardless of the decision you make there will always be positives and negatives.) flowers

SlinkyVagabond Tue 27-Sep-16 03:15:52

Your p is not wonderful, he is a bullying prick. (And I'd venture, slightly gas lighting, telling you it will make your anxiety worse. He's doing it so you do as he wants)YOU get to choose. Go to your doctor, tell them your concerns about your anxiety and that you regret the last termination but you felt forced into it. Would your dad be happy that you are being bullied? If he's any sort if a dad he will put this first and support you. If not, then you might have to rethink your living conditions. Fuck your manager, it's got nowt to do with her.
But flowers for you, now is the time to pull up every ounce of courage and stand up to those who oppose you.

OlennasWimple Tue 27-Sep-16 03:26:25

If you want to keep your baby, that's your decision to make and everyone else will just have to get behind you.

are you sure there's no one in RL who can support you? A friend, or perhaps an aunt or family friend or can help you?

Good luck

SpanishLady Tue 27-Sep-16 03:30:14

I actually think this is ultimately very simple. Lose the bloke, keep the baby.

I am sick to death of men telling women what they can and cant do.

You are anxious and your nerves aren't up to it? no not with pouring poison in your ear.

Do you use any contraception other than the pill because if not he cannot complain about the pregnancy - it is after all the natural result of sex.

I think its a small miracle every day what women can endure.

serenaserene Tue 27-Sep-16 03:38:16

L

havalina1 Tue 27-Sep-16 03:51:55

He's a prick. Another poster said it, lose the guy, keep the baby. You said you feel so happy you could cry when you think of having the baby - so have it, it's your baby.

Honestly he sounds horrible. Are you sure you love him?

GirlWithAPearlNecklace Tue 27-Sep-16 03:59:54

He's a shit.
Ditch him.
Be happy.

TwigletsMakeMeViolent Tue 27-Sep-16 04:16:21

I know this is going to sound really flippant, but if you want the baby, you'll somehow make it work.

Your partner sounds awful. He should've taken responsibility for his own contraception if he didn't want a baby.

Good luck OP. flowers

SpanishLady Tue 27-Sep-16 04:22:45

remember nothing stays the same - it wont always be a small baby, you wont always be necessarily alone in raising that child.

I do understand - as even as a 36 year old woman with a good job, supportive husband and my own home I felt nervous and anxious about having a baby (from being a parent to managing financially) but you just figure it out.

you fear your relationship wont survive a child but I don't think it will survive a 2nd termination you didn't want so either way its on shaky grounds isn't it? do what is best for YOU and your child.

NovemberInDailyFailLand Tue 27-Sep-16 04:31:45

I agree, SpanishLady.

OP, this guy has no business telling you what you can and cannot do. From your post, I think you know already what you want to do.

Have you heard of the organisation Life? They can offer you practical and emotional support to keep your baby.

flowers

itlypocerka Tue 27-Sep-16 06:04:19

This man is a git.

After one traumatic termination any reasonable non-git who didn't want a child would have insisted on doubling up contraception and using a barrier method as well as a hormonal method to be certain to never put you through this hellish choice again.

That instead he is pressuring you to go through that again proves his character is not worth another moment of your time.

Be happy. Be strong. Things will work out. Your dad will hopefully be supportive (though perhaps supportive in helping you to live independently rather than with him if he doesn't want to have a baby living in the house full time - or maybe he will be happy to be a very hands-on grandad.)

GirlWithAPearlNecklace Tue 27-Sep-16 08:49:44

If this bloke is there most special person you've ever been with, I really don't want to know about your previous dating experience!!
angry

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