This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Would I be crazy to continue with this pregnancy

(9 Posts)
Ariel03 Sun 11-Sep-16 15:31:49

Hi,
I've never posted on here before, so please be gentle with me. I'm in a state and I really can't think straight enough to make a decision.
I'm 43 years old and have just discovered I'm pregnant, despite being on the pill.
So now I have to decide whether to continue with with the pregnacy or not.
I have been seeing a guy over the last 6 months, just casually and no strings.
However, previous to him, I was in an 18 month relationship and I slept with him (my ex) a few weeks ago (it was a one off).
So I don't know who the father of the baby is 😯. This is a big deal to me. I also feel so ashamed that I slept with 2 men in the space of a week.
I have told both of them and neither of them want any more children (they both have kids of their own from previous relationships). So basically, if i keep this baby I'm on my own.
I already have 2 primary school aged children, whom I've brought up on my own for the last 4 years.
My head tells me that it would be insane to go ahead with this pregnancy. But the thought of having a termination is too much for me to deal with. I had a very traumatic termination years ago, and I have never got over that.
I know the risks involved with pregnancy at my age, and I know life will be very tough with 3 children by myself.
I have told a few of my friends and they think I should end this pregnancy.
I know this is the sensible thing to do, but I'm really struggling to actually make that decision.
Would it be selfish of me to continue with this pregnacy, therefore "forcing" a man to become a parent when he doesn't want to?
I would appreciate any thoughts on this subject.

JontyDoggle37 Sun 11-Sep-16 15:39:23

Ok, firstly have a very unmumsnetty hug. It's a very hard situation.
Secondly, you're not forcing either of these men, they both had sex voluntarily and didn't decide to take any further precautions presumably apart from your pill.
Thirdly, your friends don't get to decide this, you do. And it sounds like you already know you don't want to terminate. So if you don't, think practically about how you can cope and get support etc. You'll find a way. No-ones circumstances are ever ideal, life isn't like that - without meaning to sound cheesy, it's what you choose to do with your circumstances that makes the difference. Go with your own head and heart, no-one else's.

KateInKorea Sun 11-Sep-16 15:44:18

Why do you have to be ashamed? It's none of their business who you have sex with.

If both the men died tonight and you didn't have to consider their feelings what would you do?
They have said they don't want to actively parent again, and that's what will happen regardless of any choice you make.

Have the baby if you want to- realistically at 43 it is only 50-50 anyway as to whether things will progress so the matter might get taken out of your hands.

But make the decision for you, with your eyes open.

Ariel03 Sun 11-Sep-16 15:49:08

Thank you for the hug Jonty. I know I could cope with a baby, and it would be loved. My family will support me once they get over the initial shock. I'm also going to have to deal with being judged by my mother, for sleeping with 2 men. She lives in the dark ages still 😞
I really don't want to terminate, but I'm struggling with the thought of being resented forever by the baby's father.

tribpot Sun 11-Sep-16 15:52:56

I'm struggling with the thought of being resented forever by the baby's father

You're not in control of how he (whichever one it turns out to be) feels. You couldn't guarantee his feelings regardless of how the pregnancy started. It's his choice how he responds. I think you need to focus on what you want, since the impact for you is massive.

Lovemylittlebear Sun 11-Sep-16 15:53:46

Goodness being resented by a dick head is not a reason to terminate if you want the baby. Put on a thick skin and then make your own decision for you smile never mind anyone else - good luck x

Ariel03 Sun 11-Sep-16 15:54:09

Hi Kate, thank you. Yes, if both men died tonight, I would continue with the pregnancy. So my decision is based mostly on what they think/say.
I know my risk of miscarriage is 50% at my age. It happened to a friend of mine a few weeks ago. If this happens to me, I'll be sad, but then I won't have to make this difficult decision 🙁

ImperialBlether Sun 11-Sep-16 15:56:06

I have to say that in your situation I wouldn't go ahead and I'd do it as quickly as possible. I'm not judging you on who you sleep with but it's so difficult for a child to have a father who doesn't want him/her.

Xmasbaby11 Sun 11-Sep-16 15:56:13

If the father is unwilling it really depends how you feeling about bringing up the baby on your own. Personally I would not have the baby.

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