Waiting to try to conceive - how to feel better about it?

[ThePartyArtist]

I'm 31 and feel desperately, achingly broody for a first child. DH I'm not sure has this same overwhelming feeling - perhaps it's a biological clock thing - but he's really keen on starting a family, talks about it often and is 100% up for it in the near future.

Fortunately, as far as we know we have no fertility problems, which I realize makes us luckier than many and I do hope this post won't cause offence because of that.

We have decided that logically we should wait before trying to conceive because;

a) we are trying to buy our first house and haven't yet found one.

b) I currently have a temporary contract, and want to wait until I sign my permanent contract (which will be in next 2 - 5 months) before getting pregnant, otherwise I am afraid that my work may retract the offer of making me permanent.

It's just so hard waiting, when we feel so ready. Being surrounded by friends with kids is bittersweet. When people ask if / when we're having kids it hurts.

Sometimes I think we're being way to cautious, or idealistic, or sensible, and what if it takes us ages to conceive? Maybe we should just go for it and things will fall into place.

Other times I think it's only right that we get these big things lined up and it's only a matter of months to wait. We live in a small flat where we don't see ourselves with kids - we want a proper family home, and I think house hunting against the clock, before the baby's born, could be really stressful.

We don't have a fun 'bucket list' of things we definitely want to do before kids (other than the house and contract) so sometimes it feels rubbish just waiting. We have busy, fulfilling lives - it's not like we have loads of spare time to fill. But the ache for a baby just seems to be overwhelming.

Any tips for how we can feel a bit happier about the wait and turn it into a positive instead of a negative? All the advice I find online is for people who are TTC but not managing to, which is not our situation. Ours is more like 'we don't think we should do it now but the delay is frustrating'.

[kavvLar]

You're right, it's laudable that you want to get all your ducks in a row.

Forgive me for saying this but no one really knows they aren't going to have fertility issues until they try. I'm not being unkind, you could fall pregnant first time or you could take years to have a baby. It is unpredictable and very little is in your control, and unfortunately in many cases waiting is part of the territory.

I'd suggest keeping as busy as possible, sounds trite but taking up a new hobby, class etc might help refocus you in the very short term. Also go on a few lovely holidays. And sleep. A lot. Good luck and I hope everything turns out well for you

[Pinkgeek]

I could have written you post op! I'm also 31 and due to outside factors, have had to wait to Ttc. In the meantime all friends and little sister have had bubbas! It's agony :(
Worries me that when we do get round to it, we may have fertility problems as it's not 100% guaranteed.
People always telling me that there is never a perfect time and you'll never feel completely ready but this worries me too!
It's awful isn't it?!
Imo if I was in your situation, I would wait for the job contract as money is important to support a child but I wouldn't wait for the house. You will have at least 9 months to sort that out!
Hope everything works out for you

[ThePartyArtist]

Pinkgeek I know exactly what you mean! I wish you good luck with yours too.

I do like to have everything fairly sorted and avoid uncertainty as it makes me anxious. So not knowing WHEN we can start TTC is hard. But equally the thought of being pregnant and desperately searching for a family home is quite scary.

Loads of people seem to say 'you don't know if you'll have fertility problems so go for it' which is scary. But also it's scary to think of trying before everything's organised.

At the moment we are committed to waiting because we don't have either the permanent contract or the house. But when I do have the contract I don't know whether to go for it then or wait for the house. I feel like it makes sense to have it all lined up before trying but also am worried finding the right house could eat into valuable time.

How have you found best to cope with it?

[Pinkgeek]

For me it was when we decided that we would definitely start trying - September in our case.
Once it gets to September I won't be far off 32 and I'm refusing to put it off any longer. At the end of the day love is all a child really needs.
You will have the job so will be able to afford a child and a new house isn't a necessity just yet.
Decide what you feel is best with your dp and then stick to it for certain. Then when questions come up or friends announce pregnancies at least you will have in your mind that in so many months it will be my turn. Makes it a bit more bearable!

[ParadiseCity]

I was just like this! I remember a vague acquaintance getting pg whilst we were waiting to ttc- I felt SO jealous and the time really dragged. Funnily enough our children now both play in the same sports team - their birthdays are in the same school year. So I clearly didn't have to wait 'that' long but I remember the feeling of it being forever!!!

I spent the time obsessing, reading books about fertility, researching pushchairs and being jealous of people. I wouldn't recommend this

[Pinkgeek]

That's reassuring paradisecity! I have read so many books and wanting to conceive is y I joined on here! Glad I'm not the only one - felt a bit ott at myself!
Also lovely to hear your happy ending :)

[ThePartyArtist]

Thanks everyone. It's so good to have your advice on this.

I do think having an agreed time when we'll start trying (as suggested by pinkgeek) might help. I'm just unsure when this should be: I'll sign permanent contract around June and start it in September. If we conceived during that time we may well still be house hunting which makes me slightly nervous incase I feel to exhausted / unwell to be able to put much effort into that, and incase it means we don't find a house before the baby is born. We rent a two bedroom flat which would be a squeeze with cot, pram etc. Plus our contract says no kids - tho I think unlikely it'd be enforced as tenants before us had a 3 yr old. I just don't know what's sensible and what's over cautious, I've been thinking about it so much!