This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

DP is angry that I won't terminate

(30 Posts)
Fuscus Tue 05-Jan-16 19:15:11

I don't really want any advice, I just need to vent a bit.

I'm 12 weeks pg by accident. Well, carelessness really. DP was really supportive when I said I'd consider all the options - having the baby & also not. He said we'd work it out, we'd get through it together etc etc.

I can't go through with a termination. It was booked but I cannot bring myself to go there. I have told DP repeatedly over the past few weeks that I can't go to the clinic. Yet, when I told him at the weekend that it meant there would be a baby in July, he flipped and said how I was ruining everyone's lives because I 'won't' do something. Apparently, he didn't know that 'I can't go' meant that there would be a baby.

Apparently this is all my fault because I 'randomly stopped taking the pill' - I didn't - we discussed it because it made me feel awful & he agreed that I seemed much more myself when I was off it. We knew we needed to be careful but weren't. So, here we are. I'm having a baby that 'no-one wants' because I am too selfish to do something I can't bring myself to do.

sad

BathtimeFunkster Tue 05-Jan-16 19:16:49

He's a dick.

He chose to have a baby when he decided to have unprotected sex.

Congratulations flowers

Doublebubblebubble Tue 05-Jan-16 19:18:13

Do you want the baby. If you do then anything to do with the pregnancy is YOUR choice -

Thattimeofyearagain Tue 05-Jan-16 19:18:45

He is an arsehole.

Doublebubblebubble Tue 05-Jan-16 19:19:28

Whoops posted too soon - he is going to have to get used to the idea x he was "careless" as well x

Gliblet Tue 05-Jan-16 19:23:14

He made a choice. It had consequences. He's being a toad.

I know you've said you can't terminate; bugger everyone else, what do you want?

Samantha28 Tue 05-Jan-16 19:23:16

If he didn't want a baby, he should have used a condom or got sterilised or not had sex.

Now you are pregnant it's entirely YOUR CHOICE what to do . It's not selfish , it's biology .

What do you want to do now ?

Fuscus Tue 05-Jan-16 19:24:11

Thank you Bathtime. I've not told anyone in real life so no-one has said congratulations. That felt nice smile

I said pretty much what you said to DP. He chose this as much as I did.

It's shit timing. I wouldn't have chosen to have a baby now. It'll complicate everything and be difficult & I'll end up as a single parent again so it's a bit scary.

I don't know that I want it but I don't not want it. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't want to terminate. I'm scared. But we'll be ok. I've got used to the idea and am quite fond of whoever is growing in me. It's shit timing but we made that choice. I know DP is more scared than I am but he's being a massive dick.

Fuscus Tue 05-Jan-16 19:25:28

I think he thought it was ok to be careless because getting pg isn't a problem since I can just pop down to the clinic and get it sorted. But it's not that simple. In theory, I COULD do that but in reality, for whatever emotional/ hormonal reason, I can't. And that's all there is to it.

Samantha28 Tue 05-Jan-16 19:27:10

It's sounds to me like you want to keep the baby

AnyFucker Tue 05-Jan-16 19:29:21

Keep the baby, ditch the pig.

P1nkP0ppy Tue 05-Jan-16 19:31:53

So he thinks he had nothing to do with conceiving this baby, it was all your fault, he wasn't at fault? What a tosser.
Just what is it with some men that they agree to something then oops! 'It's nothing to do with me, get rid of it '
Makes me very, very angry. Selfish sods.

HoneyDragon Tue 05-Jan-16 19:34:06

So he happily had unprotected sex because he assumed abortion was a firm of contraception?

What Anyfucker just said.

NorthernLurker Tue 05-Jan-16 19:36:27

I think OP, that a lot of women feel like you do. They don't want a baby particularly but they definitely and absolutely do not want to terminate. I'm sorry your DP has been such an arse about this.
I'm sure your new baby will be a blessing to you. It's just not up for debate so don't debate it with him. You aren't selfish. You're pregnant and you've made your choice. Congratulations and good luck smile

JessicasRabbit Tue 05-Jan-16 19:50:15

Congratulations thanks

You'll be fine, and defo ditch the 'd'p. You shouldn't have to tell him repeatedly that you don't want a medical procedure. If you wanted a termination that would be your choice. As you don't, that's your choice too. You aren't selfish.

Selfish is him abdicating all responsibility for contraception on the grounds that you "should" have a termination. Neither party gets to say 'it's all you fault' when a baby arrives after unprotected sex!

Fuscus Tue 05-Jan-16 19:55:24

Thank you for listening. I just needed to get it off my chest. I don't really know what happens now but I'm sure it'll be ok. I do think of it as 'my' baby. It may not have been planned or expected but that doesn't mean it will be unwanted. DP may not want it but I will love it, regardless.

Marilynsbigsister Tue 05-Jan-16 20:02:01

You have choices.
He does not.
If you go ahead it will more than likely end your relationship.
If you go don't go ahead you may always regret it.
He may be a good parent, although it's unlikely.
If he doesn't want a child he will probably go to extreme lengths to avoid paying for it.
I have never yet met a man who 'stays with the mother and falls in love with her for the sake of the baby'
^ this last point does not happen. Do not factor it in to your decision. If this was how he felt about you he wouldn't for one moment be putting you through this angst.
I have only ever come across good fathers where the children were planned/wanted, parents married and 100% sure of their feelings for each other. No games being played.
Can you support this child without his financial input.?
Does he feel (regardless of it being true or not) that you have engineered this baby against his wishes.?

Answer these questions honestly and you will know where you stand, what you have to look forward to and everything to expect. The bottom line , are you prepared for :
He never wants to see the child.
He blanks you.
You spend years chasing him through the frankly useless child maintenance system to get him to pay something, only for him to jack in his job the moment you catch up with him and go back to square one.

If you can cope (not asking you if you would be happy about it, but would it make you really really stressed to live on your single income and/or benefits. ) Have no one but yourself to make all the decisions about child rearing. ? And no one who really appreciates the ups and the downs ? If the answer is yes. Then go for it !!!

Fuscus Tue 05-Jan-16 20:10:59

He says I have led him on... by keeping the appointment at the clinic. I did that in case I decided I could go. But I can't. I have been honest with him all along so I have no idea why he is behaving like this is big news. Yes, I think he thinks I made this happen. Because I've always said I wanted another baby but always balanced that with the fact that I didn't want one right now and that I was happy with my life as it is - me & DS (& DP).

I don't think he'd avoid paying if we weren't together. He does support his other children. I have considered the fact that I'll be doing this on my own. And I'll manage. I've done it before - DS is 10. Financially, it will be hard. But we'd survive, wouldn't we?

Marilynsbigsister Tue 05-Jan-16 21:38:41

Yes, you would survive. Of course you would. The only thing to consider...and I say this as someone who went through this... How would you manage if he absolutely opted out... My eldest, engaged to her father, he said he loved me. Even went to see the vicar to discuss the wedding... 'We ' were sloppy with contraception. He knew the score exactly. 12 weeks later, wedding dress bought, church booked, invitations sent, 13 weeks pregnant... In seventh heaven, walking on air. He kissed me goodbye, and said 'hate leaving you, even for 8 hrs' ( we were going to work).

The man I loved and thought loved me, changed the locks on his fathers house where we lived. Told my mother (but not me) he had 'changed his mind' ..and literally disappeared. I have never, ever seen him again.

I had a breakdown. Ended up in a mental hospital. (It was 26 yrs ago) 3 months later I came out. He has avoided us for 27 yrs. (well to be honest I stopped even trying after the first 3). Not worth the hassle.

I met her 'dad' . He loves her as his own, couldn't of been better. We are long since divorced but he still considers her 'his'. She tried to establish contact once. He still isn't interested.

If any part of you wants to go ahead because you think he will change his mind - don't.
If any part of you just wants this child because you just want this child regardless of your partners participation. Go for it !

Quodlibet Tue 05-Jan-16 21:50:26

Not to try to influence your decision OP (agree with the advice of previous poster about keeping expectations low, but not her low expectations of men) but just to counter narratives of ALL men being useless in regards to unplanned pregnancy:

- I am the result of a cancelled termination. My parents hadn't been together long. They've been happily married 37 years now.
- my niece is the result of a cancelled termination. My sister's partner, who was hugely unsure about the pregnancy but ultimately respected and accepted my sister's decision, is a really really excellent dad. They have a second child (planned!) now too. They aren't married.

mineofuselessinformation Tue 05-Jan-16 21:56:50

He says I have led him on...
Bollocks to that, all you did was try to keep the appointment. Do what feels right to you.
It shouldn't have any bearing on your decision, but he's trying to emotionally blackmail you with that statement.

Crumbles12 Tue 05-Jan-16 22:31:36

I really disagree with the post about 'good fathers' quite a ridiculous statement, our DC was unplanned and we were not married at ages 19 & 21, we have now been together 6 years and OH has always been a fantastic dad, marriage isn't necessary to make a good father hmm.

You must make the decision that is best for you, the relationship may or may not work out either way and you will definitely regret a termination if you did it to please him,

I think unplanned pregnancy can be a massive shock and perhaps he is just acting this way and will gradually come to terms with the pregnancy. I think sometimes for the men it can take a while to acknowledge the baby when they aren't carrying it. I hope it all works out flowers

Fuscus Tue 05-Jan-16 22:54:46

Quodlibet, that is really reassuring to hear. I can't ever imagine telling this baby that it might have be aborted but I'm so glad to see positive stories.

I've just told my first real life person and feel a million times better for having said it out loud. She was lovely. Shocked, but lovely grin

DP will either settle down and come round or he won't. I don't want to be with someone who resents me or their child so we'll have to deal with that. He's texted me tonight, as if nothing happened. I've not responded but will talk with him tomorrow. I told him the other day that I didn't care if he was pissed off with me and that still stands. I don't need him and will be fine without him.

My main concern is my ten year old.

FreeSpirit89 Wed 20-Jan-16 19:30:26

Congratulations!!! thanks

If it's what you want then do what you feel is right. He sounds like he's being a massive pig about the whole thing.

My friend had a similar situation, she got pregnant, the father decided he didn't want it and booked her a private termination, pre paid for and just dropped her off one day at the clinic. She left the clinic, and his sorry arse that same day. And she's doing ok, her DS just turned 6 today smile

Chin up you can make it!

Heatherjayne1972 Wed 27-Jan-16 16:18:23

You'll look back at this one day and you'll know that choosing the baby over a plonker was 100% the right thing to do.

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