This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

3 dc and unplanned pg...

(7 Posts)
Ohdeargawd Wed 07-Oct-15 15:28:11

I found out yesterday that I'm pg, probably about 4 weeks in. I have 3 dcs, the youngest is 20 months. This is an unplanned pg, condom failure (I cannot use the pill, mirena coil or implant as I grow ectropians, and I had a copper coil but it migrated and I had to have it surgically removed under GA). My dh is absolutely dead set against it. I do not want 4 kids and feel my body (at 38) would not cope that well - having had 3 dc already in 6 years. My last delivery was at home in just 2 hours and I never ever want to give birth again. That said, I cannot believe I can proceed with an abortion...I have first mtg with GP tomorrow for referral. He thinks I'll have to have a medical abortion which by all accounts sounds fucking painful and harrowing. I feel such sadness about taking a life away when I know we create beautiful gorgeous children. My DC would never forgive me if they knew I had aborted their brother or sister. I go from feeling calm and prepared for an abortion, to feeling like I can't go through with it and I'd put up with the burden of a pg and the cost of a 4th child. I am so tangled. I don't know what I'm asking you to help me with. I am a complete nob.

differentnameforthis Wed 07-Oct-15 16:59:05

You are not a nob..you had an accident. It happens.

Your children do not need to know about any terminations you may have had. It won't add anything to their lives to know that information. Saying that, my mother was happy to tell me that she had had a termination, and it didn't make me think badly of her (well, anymore than I did, anyway)

Saying that, you do sound torn. You should take a little time to give some thought to what you want & what your family needs. You shouldn't proceed with a pregnancy because you 'create gorgeous children' ... although I am sure that is not exactly what you are saying.

Talk to the GP and give it some really good thought. At the end of the day, the choice is yours to make.

Be kind to yourself!

BrieAndChilli Wed 07-Oct-15 17:10:21

I was where you are now and we decided to have an abortion. I sometimes think about the baby and how old it would've been etc but it was the right decision for us as a family - financially, space wise, quality time and input with the kids, our relationship and that I didn't really want to go through pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding again.
I sometimes get a little broody still but we knew we couldn't ever have another baby as it would make a mockery of the reasons we didn't have the 4th. I can reason that it was the best thing for the children already existing and cope OK with that but if I had another now I would feel immense guilt that I had terminated an earlier child of you see what I mean?

Ohdeargawd Thu 08-Oct-15 10:07:14

Thanks both. I saw the GP today and have to wait until tomorrow before calling the clinic. I'm 5 weeks pg apparently. I feel calmer today, my 20 month old was crying out through the night and I strongly feel I just couldn't cope with another few years of sleepless nights and worries about their health in the early years. I feel such strong love for my children and feel complete as a family of 5. I also feel totally detached from the pregnancy - I haven't wanted to check EDD, I haven't been teasing myself with name choices, I haven't been visualising us as a family of 6 (other than on night 1 when I imagined 4 children having tea together and felt deeply sad and torn). Brie I do totally see where you are coming from. My DH always promised he'd get a vasectomy if this happened (which makes it sound like we knew it was a possibility it would happen, which for the reasons I mention in my first post, is true). So, from our POV, he will get the snip and I will never have to be in this position again, but I feel torn there too - I don't really want him to have the snip (emasculation?) and I wonder whether I'll feel that's rather final and even sadder that it would never be possible to have another child. Even though for all health/security/financial/quality of life for existing family reasons, I don't want a 4th. Fuck this is confusing.

AKAmyself Sun 18-Oct-15 18:01:03

Hi op, I've been in your position.

It takes a huge amount of time of energy, of love, of commitment (non to mention money) to bring a child into the world and raise him/her into adulthood. I think as women we know when we can't give it our all... It's bigger than the fear of giving birth or of sleepless nights... It's visceral.

For me, I knew in my heart of hearts that I couldn't give this baby what it deserved, and I didn't want to put my children, my marriage and my mental health at risk. I decided I'd rather regret an abortion than a baby.

You have a family, you are a mother. It is completely natural imo to put your existing children's needs - and your own- first. It's not selfishness, it's not brutal... It's a form of love, in a way. It's life

Which isn't to say that deciding to terminate a pregnancy is easy - quite the opposite. But someone on here gave me excellent advice when I was u your position... You need to separate the process from the outcome. You need to come to a decision, gain comfort it's one you can live with -knowing that sadly there's no right or wrong... And then see it through.

You are a good person, a good mother. Be kind to yourself, seek counselling if available, talk to your dh. You will know what to do, and you will be fine.

Thinking of you

Ohdeargawd Wed 21-Oct-15 14:32:57

A short update - thanks for all your comments which I did find helpful if only to know I'm not the only person in this awful position. There is something so intriniscally wrong (or so it felt to me) about being a mother and wanting to abort (as Caitlin Moran says in her autobiography - she aborted her third pregnancy) as opposed to being in any other situation and wanting to abort.

But it is all over and I feel nothing but relief that I'm getting 'back to normal' and that the agony of working out what to do is behind me. I had the medical abortion as I was stressed about allowing it to develop too much and at my scan (6+1) there was no heartbeat which is normal, however I also felt very un pregnant other than sore boobs. By 6 or 7 weeks with my 3rd baby, I was starving and nauseous and exhausted but this time I have been out kayaking with the kids (half term) and going for long walks carrying the 20 month old in a backpack. The power of denial perhaps! Anyhow, I took the pill on Sunday night, felt fine but started to feel sick on Monday evening. Started bleeding, and went to hospital for the second stage yesterday (Tues - 2 weeks to the day I found out I was pg and now 7 weeks pg).

Medical option really isn't bad, I was very anxious after all i'd read about it being so painful, but it is nothing to worry about, at all. Just like bad period pains which we all get from time to time. Anyhow, the 'good' news for me is that there was no foetus, just a placenta and this means either the pg was inviable anyhow and I would have miscarried naturally at 8 weeks, or the foetus was so microscopic at 7 weeks that it was invisible. (Which I can't believe). Regardless of this fact, going for the abortion was the right and responsible thing to do for me and my family (and for the world - I do worry about sustainability and food shortages in the future). The fact that it may not have been a viable pregnancy does ease my guilt significantly. But it still would have been the right thing to do. I wish anyone going through the same decision making process a huge amount of support - it really has been a rough couple of weeks. Bless you all.

BrieAndChilli Wed 21-Oct-15 18:42:58

Glad you are ok. Just be warned that you may have moments of emotion moths and even years in the further. The time around the due month was hard for me.
Totally get what you mean about it bein very different getting an abortion as a mother as oppose to a young teenager or a career woman who doesn't want children etc ( not sayin people in those situations won't have a whole heap of emotions and turmoil ) but as a married mother I felt it was a much harder decision, in that I already had a family, what's one more? How could I abort a child that would grow up just like my much loved adorable children, how had I as a supposedly responsible adult gotten myself into this situation? Etc etc

Don't over do it. I had mine on the tues and went into work on the fri and sat and went ice skating on the Sunday. I spent all Monday in bed passing giant clots. And I had had a medical procedure so most of it had been removed at the time

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