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Unplanned 2nd pregnancy- hubby wants to abort :(

(35 Posts)
Kjones08 Sat 08-Mar-14 07:07:11

Hello.

Please help dont know where to turn. My background im 27 in august my husband is 33. My husband and i got married in April 2013, been together now nearly 8 yrs. we have a daughter together 3yrs 3 months. We planned on trying in August onwards this year for baby no 2.
However.... Found out im about 6-7 weeks pregnant now. I freaked out when I found out. I have my best friend getting married in April I'm a big part of the wedding and massive part of hen do. We have paid £200 for me to go lots of drink involved. I'm happy not to drink but will be very hard to disguise and having prev miscarried I wouldn't want ppl knowing. So that's an inconvenience but I can deal with that.
We rent our house long term.... But got home yday landlord is having to sell property due to unforeseen circumstances- we have very bad credit and a dog so finding a house to rent in two months is a stress.
My hubby has said he'd support whatever my decision, but it's become clear he wants me to abort. He says it's bad timing and we can try again when we planned. I know logically with all going on he's right, but I feel pregnant I know it's there I just don't think I can go through with it.....- and If I did I think I will regret it and possibly resent him?! Our daughter was born 22/ dec so that's a massively busy/ expensive time- ideally we wanted a spring summer baby no 2 and this one would be due in nov. I also wanted to time baby no 2 so I was on maternity when my daughter started school which with this one I won't. So I know loads of obsticales but it's happened and you can't undo as such you can have or not and I just feel so stuck. I know the obvious answer is not to abort if in doubt but I hope you can see my predicament. X

TheGreatHunt Sat 08-Mar-14 07:10:12

He is being very cold and practical about it as if abortion is something that you can just do like cancelling a holiday or something.

You need to talk to him and explain your feelings.

Misty9 Sat 08-Mar-14 07:17:49

You poor thing. I really don't understand his thinking though-you were going to try in August anyway? Does he really want another child at all? Sounds like you both need some time to talk properly. From what you've said, abortion could be seriously bad for your marriage and it doesn't sound like a solution. Hope you work it out.

HerGraciousMajTheBeardedPotato Sat 08-Mar-14 07:26:41

If you were a clockwork robot, then maybe the obvious choice would be to abort. But you are not. You are a human being with feelings and emotions. Abortion is not just about the practicalities. Just as you cannot really plan when you will fall pregnant.

I wouldn't in your situation. I think terminating a pregnancy must be a very hard decision to make and for me, it would only be made if there were no other option. Otherwise I'd regret it for the rest of my life I think. In your case it's not great timing but none of the reasons not to keep it are compelling.

weebairn Sat 08-Mar-14 08:11:28

I think as you both definitely want more kids soon anyway this is very shortsighted of him. Who's to say you could manage to time a pregnancy perfectly later in the year? Abortion is not an easy thing for you (you both) to go through.

It sounds like you're both freaking out a bit because this was unexpected, which is really understandable. Give it a few days for the news to settle in, be kind to each other, talk it through. All the best.

quietlysuggests Sat 08-Mar-14 08:15:33

Your husband is just reacting in a panic. None of those reasons make any sense whatsoever. You are a big part of someone elses wedding, you have a dog, you don't want 2 winter birthdays???? Seriously???

weebairn Sat 08-Mar-14 08:17:33

My birthday is 14 December and it is fab - everyone is up for a party smile

eurochick Sat 08-Mar-14 08:18:20

I am pro choice but really don't think reasons like not wanting two winter birthdays or the baby arriving before your daughter starts school are good reasons for doing something that will have a lasting emotional impact on both of you.

peeapod Sat 08-Mar-14 08:19:20

the baby isn't coming tomorrow.

You have 9 months planning. We started from nothing 7 months ago. We now have a stable house, an income and a bit of savings. We have a lot of charity shop buys and we used the baby deadline as motivation/pressure to sort ourselves.

it is possible to sort it out in time. i know its hard to see now but babys just dont go to order when you want them. smile

Groovester Sat 08-Mar-14 08:21:22

I am in more or less the exact situation. I'm 6 weeks. DH not happy. We said we'd try from summer (DS starts school in Aug) after a house move and some clarification of DH job. I told him I can't get rid. I appreciate and understand that the choice is there for women but I simply couldn't do it. It took him about 2 weeks and he's slowly coming round. It's not a perfect situation by any means but I think if you ever really sat down to calculate the perfect time to have a baby, you'd never come to a solution. I hope for your sake that he comes round and is amenable to your wants and needs xxxxx

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle Sat 08-Mar-14 08:24:18

Sounds like a panic reaction - have a proper chat about it. I can't see you going through an abortion from what you've said - but if you did you might not be physically or mentally ready to try again at your planned time. What then?

If you decide to keep it then you just need to prioritise moving house - my small city has a city facebook page- someone asked for rrecommendations for rentals that would take dogs and got lots so might be worth a try in your area?

AndSheRose Sat 08-Mar-14 08:37:46

Aborting the baby would not be the same as not having been pregnant in the first place. An abortion would be impactful psychologically and physically. Would you really enjoy the big booze-up at your friend's wedding that knowing you'd chosen to have an abortion in part to facilitate it? You don't seem that shallow to me. You both wanted another baby soon and they rarely come at the 'perfect' time. What if, after the abortion, when you were both 'ready', you had trouble conceiving? I'm not trying to scare you, just to get it in perspective.
I appreciate your property scenario sounds stressful but you have time to sort it out, and actually this hurdle might have come at a good time as you can now look for somewhere that will accommodate your new sized family.
I have never known anyone regret having a baby (especially a 2nd one, and when they were planning one anyway), but I have known people regret an abortion.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName Sat 08-Mar-14 08:42:43

Do you really think after getting rid of this one you would feel ready to start trying for another in less than 6 months?

AndSheRose Sat 08-Mar-14 08:48:54

Also, even though it might have been handy to have Mat leave while your daughter at school, it will also be nice, and good for their relationship, for them to spend time together all 3 of you. You will still get 15 hours free childcare for your daughter. Can you take a year so you are around when she starts?

Another thing, birthdays and Xmas don't have to be expensive. That's what Poundland, Primark and home made play doh are for smile

HopefulHamster Sat 08-Mar-14 08:52:34

Do what you feel is right, but it not always possible to plan for a baby in a particular season. What if you abort, wait six months, and then it takes two years to conceive? It's possible.

MeMySonAndI Sat 08-Mar-14 08:55:15

I'm with Quietly ob this, the reasons for waiting/abortion are ridiculous.

I also find it interesting that you think you can time a pregnancy to suit your other needs and commitments.

My only worry would be that having a bad credit history may complicate the things but surely, if you can set apart £200 for heavy drinking in preparation of your friend's wedding, things might not be as bad, are they?

If neither of you want to go ahead with this pregnancy, that's ok, but don't place all the blame on him, you have not yet said why you want to leep this baby.

dats Sat 08-Mar-14 08:56:33

Fast-forward a bit, do any of those things seem important now that new baby is here? Thought not! As someone else said, none of your reasons are compelling enough to not have the baby and crucially you were going to have another one anyway. No brainer - and I think if DH was onboard with that in the first place, then it's a tiny, tiny step to come round to the timing factor. It'll be fine, I almost guarantee it.

Congrats smile

BEEwitched Sat 08-Mar-14 08:58:35

When we started trying for a baby I thought it was going to take a long time as I have suspected PCOS - we got pregnant in the first month, much sooner than I was expecting and than we were prepared for it.

The same week I found out I was pregnant, our rented house was declared unfit for habitation; we have a dog and two cats and all houses in the area would've cost much more than our current rent. I'm not going to pretend it wasn't incredibly stressful the first few months and it was a scramble to get things sorted and my husband had to manage most of the move by himself, we've been in our new house 4 months now and it's still very disorganised as everything was just thrown into boxes, but it was manageable.

If you were going to start trying in the summer anyway I think you'd really regret having a termination, it's rare that there are ideal circumstances for having a baby, life will always go on around you and throw up challenges.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 08-Mar-14 09:03:07

For the wedding, if you don't want people to know just say you are on antibiotics for something and can't drink.

Winter birthdays- me and my two siblings were all born within 4 weeks of each other (different years) my mum used to do joint parties so it was over and done with in one swoop grin

The only one I could see being an issue is renting with a dog, but that would be an issue whether the baby was there or not.

Obviously it is up to you, what does your gut tell you?

SweetPea86 Sat 08-Mar-14 10:00:46

Hi Hun, I belive every women has a right to abortion, but without sounding awful. Your reasons for one, well I think later on you will reget it.

So your babys birthday would be in november! And....what if you planned a summer baby how is there any garentee you will fall pregnant straight away again. So you might end up with an autum or winter baby? See my point? Realistically there's no right time for a baby something will always come up. Your only ealry stages so in April I'm sure you can think of an excuse to keep from drinking.
As for your hubby It sounds like he's in shock but at the end of the day you both had sex with out taking precautions which means you both did this together. So you need to talk to him and make sure he knows this. I'm sure it's just initial shock.

I honestly think if you were to have an abortion when you both wanted a second child you will regret it in the end.

I hope every thing goes ok for you smile

SweetPea86 Sat 08-Mar-14 10:05:22

Also to add when my hubby and I started trying we had saved for months made sure we were financially sorted feel pregnant straight away which I didn't expect. For a month after I found out I was preg my hubby got made redundant, he earns good money and sent us in to total panic. This was in September and he's been in and out of work since having to do zero hour contracts. Finally he's got a full time job again starts next week 5 weeks away from when I'm due. So he will get no paternity leave. We totally skint now as he hasn't had a regular in come and my maternity pay will go down soon. But my point being things always fall back in to place smile
You can plan plan plan and something will always bugger it up

intheround Sat 08-Mar-14 10:08:13

Pregnancy most often doesn't happen to order and as others have pointed out your next one could end up being due at a similar time.
Also your credit history isn't going to improve massively between now and August .

alita7 Sat 08-Mar-14 10:37:13

I can tell you don't want to about- you're just trying to rationalise his point of view. Yes it's impractical right now but hardly anyone gets pregnant exactly when planned- my partner has 3 kids twins birthday is October and the other is in September and I'm due in November but who cares we'll just save the money over the year instead. We started trying 6 months ago hoping I'd be off over the summer with my stepdaughter who lives with us but now I won't be off til October- it's not what we hoped but what we actually wanted was a baby- and I've got one growing so I'm ecstatic and I don't care about those little things now!
You'll be moving before the baby is big enough to affect the move and you'll have a home in 8 months for sure... You can buy more time by refusing to leave and waiting for a court order if you need to.
The thing is if you start trying in August you might get pregnant straight away or you might not and then you'll be wishing you hadn't aborted especially if it takes 6 months like it did me and you end up back where you were with birthdays.
In my opinion you should only abort if you have to- if you were raped, if you have a disabled child and couldn't cope with more, if the baby is disabled, if you are disabled, if you're a teen with no support, if you are in an abusive relationship, if you have health problems etc. Basically for you there is no significant reason and afterwards I think it would mess you up psychologically as you'd know this and like you said you'd resent your husband.
You don't seem to want to really- you seem to have already bonded with your bump, this is your baby who you did want anyway!

KitKat1985 Sat 08-Mar-14 11:03:43

I'm pro-choice, but have to agree with other posters in that the reasons you give why husband wants an abortion are a bit 'weak'. The house problem is going to a be an issue regardless of whether you are pregnant or not, and the other reasons are more 'inconveniences' than real issues. And to be honest, even if you are lucky enough to get pregnant exactly when you want to be, you are always going to encounter those. I just find it weird that given that you were both going to try for a baby in merely a few months anyway, why your husband is struggling so much with the idea? I truly think you would regret a termination to be honest from the sound of your post. I hope things work out for you. x

meditrina Sat 08-Mar-14 11:17:22

This is a wanted baby, you had plans to TTC this year, all that has changed is that the timing has been brought forwards a few months.

Things like finding a new place to live (suitable, one assumes for the family size you had already agreed you wanted to produce) would have happened anyhow and the stress will be no greater because you are pregnant. Things like which month the birth falls works always have been somewhat out of your hands.

This isn't a decision in which straightforward admin logic plays a part. You say your DH will be supportive whatever you choose. Well, that means you can choose to continue and (once first shock has subsided) give him the chance to live up to his word. Nothing that you have written suggests that you want a termination, and in those circumstances choosing one is all too likely to lead to real regrets and bigger problems down the line.

hubbahubster Sat 08-Mar-14 15:25:04

I have to be honest and say your/his reasons for terminating stink. It took us 4 months to conceive DC2 and that's not even very long! It doesn't always just happen as so

hubbahubster Sat 08-Mar-14 15:26:34

As soon as you start trying. There's a very real possibility you'll end up resenting your DH too. A termination of any kind is traumatic, especially if you're not both on board/conc

hubbahubster Sat 08-Mar-14 15:27:10

Convinced it's the right thing.

Sorry about the multiple posts, on iPhone...

22honey Sat 08-Mar-14 22:46:49

I just want to say I have found a rental on two occasions in the last 2 years with bad credit and pets...the second rental I've just moved into didn't even require a deposit or rent in advance and we are also claiming HB at the moment but with this one the landlord is a family friend of DP's. Plenty of landlords will accept your dog you just have less choice in home. Both homes I got were very nice little family homes and were by no means a shithole, they were done up nicely within. We have had to organise moving out the inlaws with little income in the 3 months since I found out I was pregnant and its been extremely hard but can be done.

Do not have a termination if its not what you want, SIL had one as a teen that she chose to have herself and it affected her emotionally in many ways.

Hope everything goes ok for you xxx

212smj Sun 09-Mar-14 00:13:02

I would just say that life does not work in such absolutes that you get so lucky you can pick due dates etc. Going on a hen do and moving house are do-able things.

What if you try to conceive again and it takes you months or years?

Think about all possibilities before you commit yourself.

Good luck.

I'm absolutely pro abortion but this is not okay and I think you realise that.

This is a human life at the end of the day and to get get rid of it like it's an inconvenient set of tickets to the theatre or holiday is not on. Then to
say you'd try again in August is bizarre. I don't think it treats you or any potential life you create with much respect.

Evie2014 Sun 09-Mar-14 15:32:31

Oh honey, babies have a knack for upsetting even the best laid plans! DH and I were just like you guys- worked out THE best time of the year to give birth given our work schedules, home situation, etc. Were delighted to find that I had conceived when we wanted me to. It looked as if everything was working perfectly and all would be sorted and under control for our baby…

Until we went for the first scan and I said- "It, erm, looks like there are TWO in there…"

So we're expecting twins, which is absolutely wonderful, but did throw a spanner in the works of all our carefully worked-out strategy (and blew a massive hole in our finances for the next few years!) My own dad laughed his head off when we told him and said "That's the problem with too much planning. Life has other ideas!"

There's never a perfect time or a perfect situation. You know this. And babies can't be ordered or unordered like a takeaway you've changed your mind about!

inmybelly Sun 09-Mar-14 16:37:55

I absolutely HATE hen-do's. I'd get pregnant just to avoid one!

Blondebrunette1 Sun 09-Mar-14 17:50:11

If you have an abortion for the reasons you're stating I can see you having big regrets, someone close to me had an abortion at a young age and has never and will never forgive herself. She still cries and is racked with guilt 10 years on, despite knowing that she was too young to even look after herself. She has a family now and beautiful children who she adores, and knowing how much she loves them makes her feel more guilty that she didn't go through with keeping baby all those years ago. My point is she did it because she was too young, she was doing her gcse's, had no money, her parent was ill and her partner was a teen as well-she had little choice but she still agonises over it. You're circumstances mean you'd be getting rid of your baby as its not as convenient, by a matter of months. You don't sound convinced these are good reasons yourself so be very careful you don't make a huge decision lightly, it's not something you can take back. I am not trying to sound harsh at all it must be so hard to have your partner suggest this, it would break my heart but asking you to abort for these reasons is not like asking you to change your perfume its a big deal. Please think about what it means to you. X

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