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Odd Birthing Plan Stipulations.

(33 Posts)
Jolleigh Sun 09-Feb-14 22:46:08

I've been putting my birth plan together today and realised that for the benefit of my mum (who is my back up birthing partner), I'm having to specify that my birth partner be removed should they go against my wishes to have no cameras until after I've washed up post-birth. I've told her I want no cameras. She has said she'd be bringing one anyway as I won't care when I'm in pain. She's my 'reserve' birthing partner for 2 weeks while my fiancé is unavoidably out of the country and she's always been one to push her luck, though she means well.

Have you ever heard of anyone making odd requests like this or made any yourself?

(My birth plan is more for the attention of my fiancé or mum, not the medical professionals - I have a few medical preferences but know I'll probably end up going with whatever is necessary at the time.)

slightlyinsane Sun 09-Feb-14 23:06:47

I am contemplating adding a little section about not touching my feet. I can't bear anyone touching my feet and previously had a freak at mws when they have.
ld take one in and decide after birth if you're happy to have one taken.

Jolleigh Sun 09-Feb-14 23:22:07

Wouldn't work I'm afraid...she's after a picture of the baby crowning. Seriously.

I've also stated she stays away from the business end.

MrsM2013 Mon 10-Feb-14 06:17:23

She wants WHAT?
Seriously I'd rather go it alone. Sounds reasonable to me and I'd make sure the MW knew so she can keep guard of your bits. Gross breach of your privacy.

AuntieStella Mon 10-Feb-14 06:35:32

Is there any way you can look for a different reserve birth partner?

Medical staff will not be able to restrain her, and the arrival of security (assuming they get there in time or at all) won't enhance your birth experience.

OneMoreThenNoMore Mon 10-Feb-14 06:37:03

Photos of the business end?? shock

Tell her if she wants to be your back up birthing partner she needs to respect your wishes, or you'll do it alone/ask someone else.

Realistically I'm not sure how stipulating this on your birth plan would stop it happening- the midwives are going to be concentrating on you and the baby, not on whether your mum's got her camera out. So you need to have a serious discussion with her about it, and if you don't feel confident that she'll respect your wishes, you need to find another birthing partner, or be prepared to go it alone.

KepekCrumbs Mon 10-Feb-14 06:39:02

How dare she. Really horrible not to agree to your utterly rational and reasonable demand. I wouldn't have her there.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Mon 10-Feb-14 06:45:12

This sounds very stressful. If she's not going to respect your wishes, will you feel supported by her?

Jolleigh Mon 10-Feb-14 07:27:07

Oh, don't worry...I know that the midwives will be too busy to enforce anything! I'm hoping that if she sees it in the birth plan, she'll realise how serious I am about it and back off.

She really is perfect as a birthing partner in every other way. Just far too excited about the possibility that she may get to see her first grandchild being born. I need to get her out of the mentality that she could get away with it simply because I'd be in pain, or I'll have to replace her.

jellyandcake Mon 10-Feb-14 09:08:35

How do you feel about a water birth? Then you can grab the camera and drop it in! Definitely put it prominently in the birth plan and make it clear to her that you have the full support of the mw and she WILL be removed and not let back in to see the baby if she breaches the rule.

I would be concerned about a birthing partner who anticipates taking advantage of your pain to gratify themselves against your wishes. I think she needs this to be firmly explained to her.

In your position, I would look into a doula to be your reserve, instead of your mum.

And finally, why on earth does she want a crowning picture? What is she planning to do with it???

HazleNutt Mon 10-Feb-14 09:10:32

I've told her I want no cameras. She has said she'd be bringing one anyway shock

Seriously, you have to simply tell her that if she cannot respect your wishes then she can't be there. No cameras during delivery. You don't need the added stress of worrying what exactly she is taking pictures of.

canyourearme Mon 10-Feb-14 09:11:00

Get a doula.

PenguinsDontEatKale Mon 10-Feb-14 09:19:42

It would be a deal breaker for me in a birth partner. I couldn't have someone there that I couldn't trust.

However, I think if you want her to go ahead you put it in your birth plan and, when you first arrive at the hospital, you get her to confirm that she doesn't have a camera with her. At that stage there is a bit more time to deal with the issue. Will she sneakily try and use her phone if you ban her from bringing a bag?

SaucyJack Mon 10-Feb-14 09:24:46

Are you sure she isn't winding you up?

What a cow otherwise.

It might be true that "you won't care when you're in pain" but you care now and you'll care afterwards! What she really means is "you won't be able to stop me when you're in pain." I agree with other posters, do think about this.

To answer your question, my birth plan stated, "I would describe my husband as squeamish and uncomfortable in a hospital environment."

Slightly - I'd have done that if I'd known there was any chance a MW might feel the need to touch my feet. I hate it too. I can't even touch my own feet.

HumphreyCobbler Mon 10-Feb-14 09:43:05

she wants a picture of your crowning baby despite your saying no?

shock

I would tell her to fuck off.

jellyandcake Mon 10-Feb-14 09:48:09

Can you explain to her that it's not just a photo of the baby, it's a photo of your genitals and you have the right to refuse that. That right is even more important if you are feeling vulnerable or in pain!

Will she accept it if you tell her this is causing you stress and worry about the birth and that she therefore needs to promise to cooperate and put you first. I would definitely make it clear that without an ironclad promise, I would be making plans for an alternative birth partner.

And I was serious about the water birth, I would highly recommend it! And it solves the problem (unless she brings an underwater camera and a scuba mask..)

TeaAndANatter Mon 10-Feb-14 09:53:35

God, how grim. Totally agree with other posts, a really disrespectful and kind of abusive way of thinking of your lack of ability to defend your right to dignity and privacy. Sorry to hear it's giving you stress. It'd be a deal breaker for me, especially now I have already had 2 (brewing no. 3) and know how powerless you'll be at that time.

OddFodd Mon 10-Feb-14 09:53:38

Take away her camera or kick her out of the room. How can she be perfect in every other way if she's ignoring your wishes? She can see your baby being born if she's in the room, she doesn't need to photograph it!

givemeaclue Mon 10-Feb-14 09:58:17

Do they even bother looking at the birth plan on the day? I never made one so don't know

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT Mon 10-Feb-14 09:59:50

Bloody hell I'd be considering a different reserve birth partner shock

Mine states that they're allowed to remove my boyfriend from the room if he says "I am your father", turns up in his Jedi robes or makes lightsabre noises when he's cutting the cord.

It also says don't rub the middle of my back, the bottom is fine but the middle is not. And please let me know what's happening as much as you can, I don't deal well with not knowing.

giveme my midwife read mine.

HelenHen Mon 10-Feb-14 10:23:53

Oh that is dreadful! Can you even show her this thread? I appreciate that she's excited but she's forgetting that, until baby's born, you're by far the most important person and she's just there to support you. Let's hope plan a works and you don't need her!

Lavenderhoney Mon 10-Feb-14 10:30:07

It won't help you to be constantly worrying your dm is going to whip out her camera. Is she teasing you?

Tell her to leave it behind or she won't be coming. Have you a back up back bp?

Who does she plan to show them to? Tell her if she insists, she much use your camera only and leave it with you. She can't bring her own. Then you can control it all a bit better.

mandbaby Mon 10-Feb-14 10:37:10

My only request was that my husband told me the gender of our babies when they were born - I didn't want the midwife or doctor telling me. But both times it was ME that had to tell DH as both my sons were plonked on my belly face up and it was sort of obvious what they were. Meanwhile, squeamish husband was still looking in the opposite direction!

Jolleigh Mon 10-Feb-14 11:18:07

Moomin - your Jedi stipulations just made me crack up!

Jolleigh Mon 10-Feb-14 11:20:13

Humphrey - I think my reaction was "you think I'm going to let you take a picture of my vagina being torn in 2 when you should be trying to help? You can fuck right off!"

Jolleigh Mon 10-Feb-14 11:21:51

Jelly - I actually hadn't considered a water birth but can certainly see the appeal now you've pointed it out! grin

capet Mon 10-Feb-14 11:29:21

I don't understand why anyone would want a picture of anyone crowning?
Is it for public display on mantelpiece? Baby photo album?
Who wants to see that photo?

rockin20s Mon 10-Feb-14 11:33:57

jolleigh i think her reaction to you saying no would be enough for me to say she wont even be in the hospital not amind the labour room. i would want to be fully relax. if you are having to watch where your mother is at all times you wont be relaxing yourself which is where all your attention should be.
she does not see this! and is making it about her. she should not be there.

Pixielady83 Mon 10-Feb-14 11:39:16

Seriously, I think the stress of having such a normal request ignored could really affect how you feel in labour and I don't think I'm being melodramatic by saying it could even slow down labour (and then lead to interventions etc) if you're worrying about what your mother is doing with her camera. I would totally go it alone, it's better than having someone who isn't supportive of your wishes. Apparently the midwives are a lot more attentive if you're on your own as well, there was a thread on here about it a few weeks ago and a couple of posters had really positive experiences, where the hospital found them student midwives or similar to stay with them. I think it's really really offensive to be insisting on taking a photo of your vagina, even if her grandchild is emerging from it at the time!!! shock

whiteblossom Mon 10-Feb-14 13:29:43

ok if you really must have her there then you have one option. When you are at hospital and she arrives, go through her bag (Make up what your looking for or lock yourself in the bathroom with her bag) and smash up the camera/take out batteries/memory card/give it to mw to hide.

I think its terrible that she would do such a thing, trust is blown not sure I'd want her there but I know how forcefull my dm can be so I kinda understand but I would never her want her with me in labour.

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