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Unwanted abortion

(40 Posts)
Susieb333 Sat 11-Jan-14 15:34:26

I am 24 and half way through my university course. My partner works full time on an ok salary, we've been together over a year and he has a child from a previous relationship. I found out I was pregnate, I was so shocked as due to my medical history I always thought I'd need ivf. I always said I never wanted an abortion if it ever happened and he's always say he's support me. Now it's happened he wants an abortion as he said we're not ready, we have no home or a car and no savings. I starting to think he's not what I thought and feel really let down he won't support me when it could be my chance of being a mum naturally. X

LurkingNineToFive Sat 11-Jan-14 15:36:07

What an awful situation to be in. How long has your dp had to digest the news?

livingzuid Sat 11-Jan-14 15:45:27

Hi susie I am sorry you are having to go through this. I am not wise but if you want your child then have your child. It is your body=your decision. Women have raised children on less so if you want a child I wouldn't let financial considerations be the deciding factor (speaking from experience!).

Absolutely do not be pressurised into having an abortion if you do not want one.

I think there is counselling available as well - does your university offer something for you? I would have that done.

Also do not rush into any decisions. There is time (have you just found out, how many weeks along are you?). Talk it through first with experienced professionals and any loved ones in RL who could provide support.

Good luck (hug)

Thumbwitch Sat 11-Jan-14 15:50:26

He can't make you have an abortion; it's your body and your choice. You also can't make him be involved - if you decide to go ahead and he doesn't want the child, then he may well bugger off.

But. If you have the abortion against your own wishes, chances are you'll resent him and regret it for ever - so your relationship is likely to be doomed anyway.

So you could look it at like this:
Either way your relationship may be doomed.
But one way, you will still have the baby and no regrets about the abortion, and the other way you will have no baby and possibly regrets.

You should have counselling prior to an abortion anyway, I would hope that it would help you to make decisions that suit YOU best.

Susieb333 Sat 11-Jan-14 16:00:00

As soon as I told him last Friday he shouted at me said it was my fault and wanted an abortion ever since. Considering he has a child I thought he's understand? I'm thinking to have an abortion and leave him as he's not who I thought he was and find someone who will treat me better. He knows it's hard for me to get pregnate. I'm almost 6 weeks x

Susieb333 Sat 11-Jan-14 16:01:10

I have asked for counciling at university. Another problem if I leave Him il be homeless x

Worriedthistimearound Sat 11-Jan-14 16:05:32

The decision is not his to make. If you want to keep the baby, and your post sounds like you do, then research everything you can from practicalities through to emotional and financial support you may be entitled to whilst you finish your course. Do you have a student welfare officer you could speak to? I'm sure this is a scenario they have come across often and would be able to give you lots of advice relating to your course, whether that be deferment or support to continue.

If you look at all the options and decide an abortion is the right choice for you then that is just as valid an option as keeping the baby. Lots of women in your position have an abortion and are sure it's right for them. But please make sure it's right for you before going ahead.

You cannot look at this from his POV. I'm afraid this is one of those situations where he waives any right to a say when he engages in sex. It is not his body or his long term mental well being that's at stake. You could have the abortion and he ends the relationship anyway so don't do it in order to keep him.

Weigh up all your options and decide what is right for you. Once you have done that, tell him your decision. He will then need to decide where he goes from there. You cannot make him stay or want to be involved. Nor can you count on him changing his mind as he already has a child so knows the emotions involved.

Good luck with it all. If you want this baby then please don't be pressured into an abortion. You will only grow resentful and bitter. Motherhood is bloody hard work but amazing too. If, deep down, you want it, seize it! If you don't or aren't ready then look closely at a termination. thanks

SugarMiceInTheRain Sat 11-Jan-14 16:06:51

In your shoes, if you think you will leave him anyway as he isn't the person you thought, then I would advise leaving him before you make a decision WRT abortion. After all, if you are subfertile, you have no idea whether you will get pregnant naturally again in the future. When you make your decision, it needs to be the decision you want to make, do not factor his feelings into this, as you will be the one left with (possibly) massive regrets or bringing up a baby. If you choose the latter, you can do it. Others in your situation have.

SweetPea86 Sat 11-Jan-14 16:11:48

Hi Hun sorry your going through this. But take it from me having a house a car and no savings doesn't mean you can't have a baby.

My hubby and I have been to get her 11 years I'm only just pregnant with my first. We have a house and some savings and he was in a good career and a good wage, I earn an ok wage. So after lots of planing we decided to go in to parent hood. Then 2 months pregnant he's made redundant and been out of work for 3 or 4 months now. He finally has found a job but part time agency work. So we have had to dip in to our savings to keep a float.
My point being I don't think there is ever a right time to have a baby. We waited and now look feel like were back at square one. Maybe it seems scary now but I think its a massive step and you both need to get your head around it.

He can't make you have an abortion and if he doesn't get his head around it and be there to support you well he might not be the right guy,

even if you have an abortion for your own reasons, do you think you could go on with this guy you will end up resenting him,

I think speaking to each other and like the other lady suggested speaking to a councillor might help you think clearly,

I really hope you work out what you want just don't rush in to any thing you may regret. No one has the right to push you In to any thing, hope things work out for you

livingzuid Sat 11-Jan-14 16:17:53

Some great words of wisdom here. Please get counselling and find out all you can about your financial options before deciding. Hopefully someone will direct you to a helpful website to read over the weekend (I'm not in the UK so have no idea.

If you are concerned over your fertility you need to explore that as well before reaching any decisions. Has it been confirmed by a specialist that you would have difficulties? Or is there a doctor you could also speak to and clarify the situation further?

Don't be afraid to be a single parent if you want to keep your baby. Get support through your university. There are millions of women doing it alone with their babies and doing a wonderful job of finishing studies.

I am going to be generous and assume your DP was in shock to have spoken to you so unkindly. He surely is aware it takes two to create a baby and the responsibility for this is just as much his?

Don't be pressured into an abortion. Don't make that decision now when you are sounding alone and haven't had any professional advice. If that's the decision you do reach then that is of course fine, but only make it after exploring all your options.

It is not his decision. It's yours.

SoonToBeSix Sat 11-Jan-14 17:02:54

Never ever be pressured into having an abortion. You would have to live with regret forever. No man that really loves you would ever do that to you.
You will be fine with or without your dp.

DigestivesAndPhiladelphia Sat 11-Jan-14 17:24:55

I agree with soontobesix. I hope you are okay.

LurkingNineToFive Sat 11-Jan-14 18:09:08

Sometimes things seem impossible (raising a baby alone) but you just get on with it. Your university will give you additional funds as a parent. I'm sorry he's let you down.

hubbahubster Sat 11-Jan-14 19:00:32

I think the only question here is 'will I regret an abortion?' Start from there and work everything else out around it. Good luck.

i always used to say i would never had an abortion then i had a t21 pregnancy and had an abortion. my point being once you are in the situation you can forget how you thought you would feel. and whatever your reasons for being in that situation, you dont really makeit based on practical considerations, you make it based on what your heart tells you. its an awful decision to have to make but please do what your heart tells you to do which only you know. looking back in 20 years time you need to be able to look back possibly with sadness but not sadness that makes you hate yourself, iyswim?

FlossyCat Sat 11-Jan-14 19:08:33

Please please don't be bullied into having an abortion. As others have said, speak to your university student welfare / support department, they should be able to give you advice about deferring your course, financial support and housing. Do you have family you could stay with?
As someone who waited for the house, career and financial stability I then struggled with fertility and it took a long time (including having a horrible miscarriage) to now be fortunate to be about to give birth any day. I have never been pregnant before, but when you struggle with fertility you look for reasons why, I would have found it difficult to forgive myself if I had chosen to abort a pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I am not anti abortion in the right circumstances.
It sounds like you want this baby. I had a friend who had an abortion in year 2 uni because she wasn't ready, she is now happily married to the same man 12 years on and has two gorgeous children, I don't know because I haven't asked but I bet she thinks about the pregnancy she chose to end and realises now they could have found a way to survive financially. My best mates partner wanted her to have an abortion when she was 22, but she stood her ground and her gorgeous girl is now 10 years old, my mate is just divorcing the same man (who I always thought was a knob) but they have two beautiful children together who are her world.
Please get some counselling and take time to make the right decision for you x

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 11-Jan-14 19:10:10

I don't think that's the only question actually.
OP, your "partner" is acting like a scrotum. He really, really is. (presumably he knows how to use contraception too, so why is he blaming you!?)
I know you feel that it might be your last chance, but, tbh, I would discount that for now. I know too many people who have been told they probably couldn't conceive, and have with no bother (as you have).

Think about what it might be like to share a child with a man who doesn't want it, and despises you for having it.
You would doubtless come to hate him, and believe me (I should know) it is HARD to share a child with someone you hate. REALLY hard.
OK, maybe your partner will come round. Maybe he will stop acting like a twat, but what if he doesn't?
Ultimately, it's your choice, but think about all the possible outcomes, please.

YoungWoman94 Sat 11-Jan-14 21:50:02

I found out I was 8 week pregnant after being with ny partner just over 2 months! We had shelter over our heads (rents a room in his mums house) and a job. As the pregnancy progressed he lost his job and had to seel his van. So we literally had no money due to me being a student, i ended up quitting at 16weeks. we unfortantley lost our son

But 2+ years down the line we are still together, engaged and due to wed in April! We have a decent car and he has a briliant job whoch he loves earning £600+ a week. We still rent a room of his mum, but were saving up for a mortgage :-). I'm in my last year at college now (I joined a different course after lossingour son). and 22+3 weeks pregnant with a little girl after lossing our son and 2 early miscarriages.

It is hard keeping up on work and I'm sure it will be harderas a university student but I'm managing to do it whilst on bedrest due to bad previous pregnancies and a crap cervix. If you want this baby don't let anything or anyone stop you! Trust me I thought everything was crap and that my situation wouldn't get bettwr but it has :-).

Hubbythecatandme Sat 11-Jan-14 22:19:28

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 12-Jan-14 10:20:43

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AmandaTanen Sun 12-Jan-14 10:26:03

Hubbythecatandme, what an awful post! I have reported it.

OP, please seek help for your situation.

hollylive Sun 12-Jan-14 10:47:03

I can only say I had my first daughter is very difficult circumstances.. really it was awful , I had to hide my pregnancy and was on parents sofa in the living room.. we don't have a good relationship ! Anyhow hard times pass .. and she is the best person in my world now.. I knew deep down that I was doing what was right for us .. and I also knew hard times would pass .. I understand fears of doubt etc. however it is a time for soul searching and finding out what is right for you . How do you see your future?

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 12-Jan-14 10:50:45

Sorry OP-my response was deleted. I linked you to http://www.fpa.org.uk/
for proper advice.
Maybe also post somewhere other than the pregnancy topic, if you genuinely want unbiased advice, and maybe the CAB, for advice if you keep the pregancy and end up going it alone.

Good Luck x

Plateofcrumbs Sun 12-Jan-14 11:15:03

I'm afraid this is one of those situations where he waives any right to a say when he engages in sex

I'd say he has a right to an opinion and for that opinion to be heard. However he absolutely does not have a right to bully, abuse or pressurise. It sounds like he is doing the latter and that is unacceptable. And the right for an opinion to be heard does NOT mean he has a right to make the decision. That is something only the OP can do.

OP - there are no right or wrong answers here. It sounds like you need advice about a lot of the practicalities so you can get a better understanding about what your life would look like if you want to go ahead with the pregnancy - speak to your university, CAB, Shelter. You need emotional support as well - do you have friends or family who you can trust to be on your side whatever decision you make?

Droflove Sun 12-Jan-14 11:22:01

He is probably not trying to bully you, he is probably just scared and realistic. I don't believe 'it's your body, your choice' as you would be making a massive decision for his life and future too. I think you need to talk and talk and try to come to a decision together. Either you will reach some sort of consensus or one of you will have something major forced upon you. It's not an easy situation. Just be aware that neither of you is wrong for wanting/not wanting to have a child now.

VJONES1985 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:29:23

I agree with Dro. So many people are quick to blame the father but actually these situations involve two people. I think he is scared and does have a good point about your current financial situation. However, he shouldn't make you feel pressured or bullied. I think you need to have an honest chat about your fears and concerns and I hope you come to an arrangement.

Surprisethird Sun 12-Jan-14 12:39:49

Hi, I haven't read all the replays, so sorry if I repeat anything, I was 19 (now 34) when I found out I was pregnant, my partner said we was not ready and we should have an abortion, I was in a muddle, I lived with my mum, worked on a training wage and only been with my partner 4months, however I spoke to my older sister who wisely told me, never worry about what might be, we always cope and get through! With that I was determined to carry on regardless if my partner said with me or not. He did we are now married have my lovely son Whois 14. A daughter who is 8 and now another one, and we have our own home, nearly paid off, aswell as I am self employed, went to college when I had my son and then uni and now qualified and work for myself, so yes it worked out and I am so glad I didn't go through that abortion.
I know every situation is different but if your fertility is difficult, I would see it as a blessing in discise
Hope that helps a little xx

SuperStrength Sun 12-Jan-14 17:30:46

Personally I dont agree that agreeing to have a sexual relationship with someone is the same as agreeing to become a parent...i think the 2 a very different decisions.
He is probably reacting this way because he already is a parent & understands the impact that having another child will have on his life.
On the positive side, he is being clear about how he feels about the situation.
In terms of what you do next, it's entirely up to you as you have alot to balance: you are unable to support yourself & the child financially vs possibility of not concieving again in the future.
What you see as +ve (chance to have a child naturally) he sees as a -ve (his choice whether to become a parent again).

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 12-Jan-14 18:21:18

He had a choice whether or not put put a condom on.

VJONES1985 Sun 12-Jan-14 18:28:31

Yes, but likewise the woman chooses to have sex without contraception being used too.

Chunderella Sun 12-Jan-14 18:47:19

It doesn't matter whether any of you agree that it's OP's body, her choice. It still is. Good luck OP, I do hope you manage to come to a decision you feel comfortable with.

StupidMistakes Sun 12-Jan-14 18:57:27

Sorry but i wanted to say that if he was <as he sounds> so very against having another child he should have used a condom, the contraception is not the woman's sole responsibility, and if he was aware you weren't using any as by your post it seems he was, then he shouldn't be that shocked when he found you to be pregnant.

Any decisions you make need to be for your own reasons and in your best interests, not because you are being pressured into doing it. This is you body, your life, and its you that has to live with the decision ultimiately.

DaleyBump Sun 12-Jan-14 19:35:22

I turned 19 two days ago. I'm a student nurse. My husband works full time during the holidays and part time when he's at uni and I'm off on maternity leave. My son was born at the end of November.

Don't get me wrong, it's really hard and I'm not even back at uni yet. But it's also the best thing I've ever done. We'd also said that if I ever got pregnant abortion wasn't an option for us. When I found out I was pregnant, I had just moved out with my (then) DP and wasn't earning a penny. DH was working part time and supporting us both on his wage which was really really hard. We didn't eat some days. But then I found out that I was bursaried for 45 weeks of maternity leave through my uni course and DH was able to increase his hours at work. We were able to move out of the damp, dirty, infested flat without heating or a working front door that we lived in to a warm, cosy 2 bedroom flat.

Being pregnant at uni was really difficult. I had to leave every ten minutes to pee, couldn't sit/stand in one position for any length of time and was in a lot of pain from SPD and sciatica. I was put on maternity leave at 29 weeks (not my decision).

Now my little boy is here and I wouldn't chance it for the world. We're still strapped for cash but we manage. I have no idea what we'll do when I go back to uni but we'll figure something out.

What I'm trying to say is that these things have a way of working themselves out. Do you have family support if you choose to continue with your pregnancy?

DaleyBump Sun 12-Jan-14 19:38:12

*change not chance

VJONES1985 Sun 12-Jan-14 19:40:14

You're right,it's no one's sole responsibility - it is both partner's. Therefore, if my partner refused to wear a condom, I would refuse to sleep with him without one.

I do agree though that now op is pregnant, she cannot be forced into doing something with her own body that she doesn't feel comfortable with. I hope your dp gets over his shock and is supportivre but if not,the best hope is that you can come to an arrangement.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Sun 12-Jan-14 19:56:30

IMO when you have sex you might not be agreeing to become a parent, but you are taking a risk, however no formal of contraception is 100% safe and have to accept that there may be consequences.
OP you are in a shit situation, and I agree with everyone else, this is a decision that YOU have to make. Whatever you decide, YOU have to live with that decision. At any time, your OH can walk away.
Take time, and consider what you really want.

Chunderella Sun 12-Jan-14 21:14:40

Any time we have PIV sex, unless one or both partners is totally infertile, each party is running the risk of creating a pregnancy. It doesn't matter whether we think about this first, or whether we are ok with the risks. We run them just the same.

flusteredmumto2 Sun 12-Jan-14 22:22:31

OP I was/am in exactly the same position except I have 2 dc with a previous partner. I was booked to have a termination last week due to pressure from my dp. I was such an emotional mess that it made me physically sick to even contemplate it. I went to the appointment on my own and ended up not being able to have the termination due to medical risks. I am now facing loosing the man I love if he cannot come to terms with being a father and I have to be ok with that. The only advice I can give you is to be strong. Pm me if you want to talk.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Sun 12-Jan-14 23:38:40

I had to make this choice recently too. DP wanted a TFMR and I just couldn't face it.
The ultimate choice was don't and he might not ever forgive me, do and I might never forgive myself. sad The ultimate rock and a hard place!
I chose not to, and thankfully he gas come round to the idea.
My circumstances are slightly different in that we have been together 20+ years and have 2 teenage dcs, so I had some idea of his ultimate response, but I'd have made the choice anyway.
Make the decision you can live with and make piece with yourself. xx

guayaba Mon 13-Jan-14 10:11:05

OP I just wanted to say, as others have mentioned, please contact your university's welfare office or your tutor. I am tutor at my institution and we see similar situations all the time, we always try to help. In addition to counselling, you should be able to access emergency funds and bursaries and emergency housing. Most universities also have student parent support groups. Please do what is best for you!

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