Would you like to be on Mumsnet's research panel? We're especially keen for parents-to-be and new parents to join. You can sign up here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive on offer for your views.

Real dilemma with a friend, don't know what to do

(54 Posts)
MaryMcCarthy Fri 27-Dec-13 19:08:36

She has just announced she is pregnant with a guy she's known for around 7 weeks, however she found out today she is near 10 weeks pregnant. and she was having sex with someone else immediately before meeting the new guy.

I know the peculiarity of ovulation means she could technically be ten weeks pregnant despite first sleeping with the new guy seven weeks ago. And she insists it's the new guy's. But she also insists she was on the pill. I just wondered if I could share the timeline of events here and see if it added up to anyone else? because I'm still not convinced.

If this isn't the right forum for such a story then I apologise and I'd be happy to be redirected, but I hope you can help because I'm extremely close to this girl, she's earmarked me as a godparent and it's really taking up a lot of my thoughts at the moment.

NickNacks Fri 27-Dec-13 19:13:23

What the bloody hell does it have to do with you? Are you seriously analysing her sexual history and menstrual cycle because you need to be 'convinced' about who the father is? None of your business.

oldbaghere Fri 27-Dec-13 19:19:41

You're over invested in her life and she's a loon if she's earmarked you as a godparent already.

OatcakeCravings Fri 27-Dec-13 19:24:08

Eh? Just support your friend. What are you planning to do? Tell her new partner the baby isn't his if the dates don't add up? Nice!

lougle Fri 27-Dec-13 19:26:44

I disagree, it can be a very good friend who helps their friend see that there is considerable doubts over a timeline, as long as the motive is to help, not to judge.

It sounds like she may need support, whatever the truth.

MaryMcCarthy Fri 27-Dec-13 19:40:36

So you'd be happy being godmother to a baby whose parentage you doubted? Could you look in the eye of the father?

This girl has been known to make awful kneejerk decisions and dishonesty is not alien to her. I just don't want to see her turn her life and the life of an innocent guy upside down, or at least show her I'm there for her.

I'm the only person apart from her who knows the exact timeline (because we spend so much time together) and she's somewhat emotionally reliant on me so I'm unavoidably involved in her life. This is where I find myself, don't judge me for not blindly going along with it...

oldbaghere Fri 27-Dec-13 19:43:12

You're not her friend

Orangeychoc Fri 27-Dec-13 19:45:22

Roughly, 10 weeks pregnant means she conceived about 8 weeks ago (based on a standard 4 week cycle). Variation of a week either side of this is perfectly likely.

Orangeychoc Fri 27-Dec-13 19:45:55

Aretou going to share the timeline ?

If she slept with him straight away then he probably is the father. Last period + 2 weeks until ovulation + 3-4 days window of conception + 7 weeks knowing him = (almost) 10 weeks.

MaryMcCarthy Fri 27-Dec-13 19:58:48

1 Oct - She tells me she's talking to a guy online and she seems pretty smitten.
6 Oct - I'm out with her in town, she's very drunk and she meets up with and sleeps with a guy we both know, Geoff.

2 Nov - I'm out with her again and she bumps into Geoff - she goes and has repeated casual sex with him til the next day.
3 Nov - She mentions to me in passing, as a joke, that she might be pregnant.
5 Nov - With Geoff presenting a mere passing dalliance she meets internet guy after weeks of intense chat. She deems the day magical.
9 Nov- Sleeps with internet guy for the first time, having acquired a hotel room for their second meeting.
14 Nov - Sleeps with internet guy again.
17 Nov - Tells me she's feeling sick, horribly sick.
18 Nov - She's sick in a way she's never been before, curled up on the bathroom floor weeping with nausea.

22 Dec - She takes a pregnancy test, having missed her period. She tells me she's been on the pill (the type where you stop during your period).
23 Dec - She tells me she's 6 weeks pregnant.
27 Dec - Doctors tell her she is 10 weeks pregnant

She has since told me that the sickness on 17-18 November was not pregnancy related, and I know I'm an awful friend, if only for posting this online, but I'm worried, and not convinced.

AHardDaysWrite Fri 27-Dec-13 20:04:15

Wow. I hope for your sake she's not a mumsnetter or you've just made it very obvious to her that you're sharing intimate details of her life all over the Internet.

Or is it the case that this friend doesn't exist and you want help working out who the father of your own child is? People would have more sympathy with that, tbh.

oldbaghere Fri 27-Dec-13 20:07:02

You seriously sound massively over invested in this. why do you care so much?

Awakeagain Fri 27-Dec-13 20:08:04

Gosh some harsh comments!!
I would maybe do less details on time line as v obvious who the person might be!!

MaryMcCarthy Fri 27-Dec-13 20:08:49

I care because she's my closest friend and she's potentially not only betraying me, but everyone she knows.

lougle Fri 27-Dec-13 20:08:56

As there is only a week between the two men, then anything could be true. Ovulation could have been very late, accounting for the apparent extra week.

ziggiestardust Fri 27-Dec-13 20:08:57

I can't believe you have the timeline so nailed down shock

Are you actually the 'friend'?

oldbaghere Fri 27-Dec-13 20:09:21

How the actual fuck is she "betraying" you??

TwerkingNineToFive Fri 27-Dec-13 20:12:39

Kinda odd you know all the dates like that??
If this is genuine maybe you should distance yourself from the friendship seems like you dont really want to be involved.

MaryMcCarthy Fri 27-Dec-13 20:16:28

She's betraying me by coercing me into a situation. Being a godparent is not a thing I'd take lightly and couldn't sit tight and smile until everything blows up further down the line.

She's betrayed me once before over something pretty big so excuse me if I'm a bit insecure.

If the child is born with brown eyes everyone will know of her deceit and the new guy, who has has just made a lifelong commitment to her, with be crushed beyond belief. I'd rather be out of the picture than waiting for that, so she'll have to forgive me for being so forensic about everything.

duvetheaven Fri 27-Dec-13 20:16:44

Think others are being harsh. What I would do is have a frank discussion with her about who she really thinks the real father might be. If she wants to pretend it was not the previous guy , my issue would be with the child as the child would then not be aware of their true identity and father. Also she is doing a disservice to the actual father ( if it is recent guy). I know of a friend about 10 years ago who is in the 'recent guy' position and believed his girlfriend until aged 2 years it became very apparent that the child was not his and a lot of hurt and upset was caused. I would have a problem with this situation and the lack of integrity mainly for the child's sake.

Your not her friend, how can you share her personal business over the internet, thats such a shitty thing to do, and if some strangers tell you what you obviously want to hear, what exactly are you going to do?

AHardDaysWrite Fri 27-Dec-13 20:21:02

Erm...you do know that eye colour genetics are hugely complex and that virtually any colour combination is possible, don't you? It is a complete myth that two blue-eyed parents will only have blue-eyed children, if that's what you're thinking.

duvetheaven Fri 27-Dec-13 20:21:09

Also, I would have a word with her about her internet dating and booking hotel rooms on second dates as she is making herself extremely vulnerable.

MaryMcCarthy Fri 27-Dec-13 20:22:13

Maybe this has shown I'm not her friend and wasn't ready to be godmother. I hope you can understand I'm young and inexperienced at this kind of thing.

HyvaPaiva Fri 27-Dec-13 20:22:57

You kept a diary?

Creepy as hell.

oldbaghere Fri 27-Dec-13 20:24:11

Oh flip. Who knew eye colour genetics were so complex that me and exhusband who both have blue eyes could have a hazel eyed child? Damn i must have been bonking someone else would you like my exhusbands number so you can ring him and tell him?

Basing anything on eye colours is a bit of a waste of time.

MaryMcCarthy Fri 27-Dec-13 20:25:20

Okay forget the eye colour thing.

oldbaghere Fri 27-Dec-13 20:28:13

You are really creeping me out.

Are you usually this bothered about someone else's life? A simple "lets wait and see about the godmother thing" would have done, surely? Rather than dissing her and spreading her private business all over mn?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 27-Dec-13 20:33:11

Is this really you who is pregnant?

MaryMcCarthy Fri 27-Dec-13 20:34:05

Why would I say 'let's wait and see?'... she asked me to be godmother immediately upon finding she was pregnant and I accepted straight away, overjoyed. I'm now scared that my paranoia is going to ruin my closest friendship, but I can't help it. I'm struggling to talk normally to my friend at the moment like we do every night - I need to say something but don't even know how to word it. I feel there's nowhere else I can turn.

ziggiestardust Fri 27-Dec-13 20:34:14

toffee that's what I thought.

oldbaghere Fri 27-Dec-13 20:35:02

There is something about this you're not telling us

HarderToKidnap Fri 27-Dec-13 20:35:52

Did she have a scan today? Otherwise there is no way anyone could tell she is ten weeks, or six weeks, or whatever. Even if doc took a hcg blood test on the spot and got the results back today, it still wouldn't tell you how far along she was.

MaryMcCarthy Fri 27-Dec-13 20:39:44

I don't know if she had a scan but she insists the doctor has told her 10 weeks.

Feeling terrible now and hoping the thread could be deleted in case she or anyone who knows her reads it.

Thanks to anyone who offered sincere advice

mmmuffins Fri 27-Dec-13 20:42:07

I'm unsure why you are getting a slating on here. I certainly would be very uncomfortable if I knew that a friend was possibly in denial or lying about the parentage of her child. It is very big burden to carry, especially as you watch this internet man change his life. This could be a very devastating lie.

I think initially the best thing to do is encourage her to be honest about the uncertainty of paternity. I don't know what you should do if she doesn't admit there is doubt.

Mishmashofstyles Fri 27-Dec-13 20:47:39

If it is you, stop beating yourself up. Casual sex as a single woman is not a crime.
Getting on well with someone on the internet doesn't mean you belong to them. You did nothing wrong sleeping with Geoff. Tell the internet chap if you have doubts about the dates. If he is decent he will understand.

If you are the friend, you do sound over invested. Step back.

Won't Geoff wonder about this baby when it appears?

mskellyanne Fri 27-Dec-13 20:49:38

Basically you ask ... Are you sure it's his ?? Job done

Doctor could have told her ten weeks based on last period.

Op, you need to decide if you're her friend or not. She's in an incredibly awkward/emotional situation and is going to need support, not judgment.

MaryMcCarthy Fri 27-Dec-13 20:56:00

If the doctor told her 10 weeks ago based on her last period, does that mean her last period would have started 10 weeks ago? If so, I don't think the timeline adds up.

Even questioning her is going to have serious implications to our friendship so I need to be sure of my doubts before I go to her.

HarderToKidnap Fri 27-Dec-13 21:14:59

Well if it is ten weeks since her last period the baby is much more likely to be new guys than geoffs. Having said that, your loyalty is with her here. The road ahead may be quite tough for her and she needs you. I would offer unstinting support, let someone else be the moral police and sit in judgement on her. Don't worry about that aspect of it, your job is to be the friend you've always been. If the scan date comes back indicating that she conceived prior to meeting new guy, then you could have a gentle chat about how she wants to play it and be there for her. X

carrotcakeandwine Fri 27-Dec-13 21:28:39

If the child is born with brown eyes everyone will know of her deceit

someone has been reading too many detective novels, I think.. hmm

mskellyanne Fri 27-Dec-13 21:33:22

Ring Jeremy Kyle grin

AHardDaysWrite Fri 27-Dec-13 21:41:42

Look. The bottom line is there's a baby who will need love and support once born, regardless of his/her paternity. If you're godmother to this child, you're just that - godmother to the child, not the mother. Can you not offer the child your love and support, regardless of what you think about his/her mother's behaviour?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 27-Dec-13 22:39:27

Hmm. I think you should encourage her to be honest.
The baby has a right to know who its real father is. DNA tests aren't majorly expensive and would clarify things
I don't understand why it seems to be ok that its a man being deceived here, imagine the feeling if you were a woman handed the wrong baby in hospital
Women are sure their baby is theirs, men just have the woman's word for it, or DNA if there is one done
What if he pays maintenance for the child and it's not his? Having deliberately deceived him IMO she should be done for fraud

She's done nothing wrong sleeping with whoever except she could have taken better care of her sexual health by the sounds of things, now though there is a baby, who deserves nothing less than to know who their father is, and be cared for and loved.

YABU posting such detailed stuff on tinternet confused but a true friend would support her no matter what, nothing wrong with backing away from being embroiled in this or being baby's godmother, or steering her in the direction of finding out the truth for the baby, but if she chooses not to, if you're a good friend you'll be there to support and not judge her I guess

Fedup1992 Sat 28-Dec-13 04:01:17

If she's saying th person is the dad, believe her

She's not a nice person if she's lying.

I thought maybe this was about you when I first read it, I don't know.

And as for thinking the baby coming out with brown eyes, my mum must of had an affair with the milk man, my mum and dad have brown hair, I'm a ginger with brown eyes, and my brother is. Ginger with blue. Xx

Lj8893 Sat 28-Dec-13 04:52:36

You sound very judgemental. Comments about meeting up
In a hotel room etc are completely irrelevant so don't know why you felt the need to say that.

A true friend would be there, gently ask thier friend if there could be a possibility it could be Geoffs baby etc, and hand hold. She's 10 weeks pregnant, smitten with her bf and very hormonal. Of course she's going to panic and say its definitely his, she will be desperately trying to convince herself.

I agree that she does need to be honest with all involved (although your not involved!!) but she needs her friends (that's you apparently) support to do so.

meditrina Sat 28-Dec-13 05:05:31

You say you are young, and you refer repeatedly to the pregnant friend as a 'girl' - does that mean you/she are under age?

I are there specialist youth services in your area? They should be able to support her in any aspects of the pregnancy.

There is no way to sort out paternity when unprotected intercourse has happened within a few days with two different men. We can guess the likelihood until the cows come home. But at least she can sort it out with a DNA test once the baby is born.

Somersetlady Sat 28-Dec-13 12:05:47

Thingathatgobumpinthenight you speak perfect sense! Whoever the child belongs to the father deserves to know. To trap someone into believing they have fathered a child when it may in fact have nothing to do with them is vile and op i can understand why you would question your feelings towards your friend.

This - potentially poor - guy was obviously looking for casual sex on the internet and not a lifelong commitment after a few weeks to fathering a child which may or may not be his!

If you can make her see that she should be VERY sure the child is his before she tells him or at least be honest enough to say look i think it's yours but i cant be 100% sure until,after the birth then he is free to make a decision on his role in her and the baby's life with all the facts.

The op has already said the friend has a history of lying If she will play god with someone else's life like this then what other situations would she manipulate or lies would she tell to suit herself and her own wishes.

I think it far better you come to look for advice and opinions on mumsnet than confide in someone in your circle of friends where you risk inflaming the situation with the conversation being repeated.

- maybe i am slightly biased as a close friend has recently found himself in this situation where the fling is now chasing him for money and is currently awaiting dna results which the mother wouldn't agree to since baby's birth in march -

SaucyJack Sat 28-Dec-13 12:11:16

Both the child and the father have the right to know true parentage in my book.

You can be a friend to someone without having to blindly support them through doing something you feel to be massively morally wrong.

based on being 10 weeks on dec 27th and assuming a perfect cycle and ovulating on day 14, my calendar points to conception on or around november 8th.

i cant remember the exact dates of her sexual history timeline but regardless of what is or is not right in friendships, she has had more than one sexual partner in a tight timeline so i dont think you could eliminate the possibility of either guy being the father.

to me it boils down to a)is she being honest with "dream boat" about the possibility that hes not the dad b)is this woman emotionally equipped to take on parenthood regardless of paternity?

the ops had her head bitten off for questioning the underlying facts. i dont think that makes her judgemental. shes just adult enough to realise that honesty is the only solid basis for trust and that the life her friend is choosing to bring into the world shouldnt be marred by doubts and dishonesty.

sounds like the friend has a little growing up to do.

Fedup1992 Sat 28-Dec-13 16:41:11

3rd of November she "joked" about bring pregnant?? Maybe she knew there was chance!

I'm confused. Horrible situation to be in!

And she should be truthful!

But I can't believe u know all the info!

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 28-Dec-13 17:13:59

Thanks Somerset smile
preens
Admittedly its through watching Jeremy Kyle a lot daytime tv absolutely feel sorry for those people who grew up thinking someone was their parent then finding out they weren't .. Devastation all round.
Maybe (it does happen) one of them will step up even if they are not the father but she should at least give them that chance.
She'll need a good friend though if both men decide to walk away. At least the DNA will point to who is going to have to support the child

SweetPea86 Sat 28-Dec-13 17:30:58

Mary really sorry that they are so many bitchy people on here who aren't helping and just being nasty.

I understand your concerns it's good that your not taking beibg a god parent lightly.

I like you have a best friend who is forever telling porkies or mis leading then truth and it's very frustrating.

Maybe have a talk with her and tell her your concerns.

Is the new guy going to be supportive to her after only 7 weeks.

If she isn't being honest just be there to support her as a friend and if your slightly concerned about being a god parent tell her that your not ready for that responsibly yet.

Funny how many people are telling you your to invested in her life but yet have time to write nasty comments on here

Hope things work out for you

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now