Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.

How to deal with MIL

(41 Posts)
Aaliyah1 Sun 17-Nov-13 23:51:00

How do I tell MIL she can't come to the scan ? She invited herself to the first one and just turned up. She keeps asking when the next one is...how can I tell her she can't come without offending her? Make up a lie? hmm

Jiltedjohnsjulie Sun 17-Nov-13 23:53:59

Think you need to get DH on your side on this one and get him to tell her that its a really special time for the two of you, or you could just lie and tell her after you've been and say it was a cancellation smile

Writerwannabe83 Sun 17-Nov-13 23:56:19

Easy, just don't tell her. Jilted's suggestion is very good, a 'short notice appointment' could be the answer smile

My MiL came to one of our scans (16 weeks) but that's because we asked her if she wanted to come. I can't believe anyone would self invite themselves, lol - cheeky MIL grin

Jiltedjohnsjulie Sun 17-Nov-13 23:59:30

I can believe it writer my mother tried to invite herself to the birth and seemed a bit put out when I said no. This was after a lifetime of constant criticism, I had visions of her telling me I was doing it all wrong with every contraction grin

Shellywelly1973 Mon 18-Nov-13 00:00:06

I think dh & you need to tell her gently but firmly that it will just be the two of you at your next scan.

My mother presumed she would be at the birth of my dd. I just had to say it to her. She was disappointed but its you that's pregnant so its your choice who attends scans.

Grumblelion Mon 18-Nov-13 00:00:33

You shouldn't be the one telling her she can't come for a start - your DH should be explaining that the 2 of you want to go on your own. Maybe offer to go round & see her afterwards to chat about it & show her the pictures to keep her in the loop? Might smooth any ruffled feathers.

Failing that, just tell her the hospital has changed its policy regarding how many people can attend with the mother for the scan so only your DH is allowed.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 18-Nov-13 00:01:36

Haha - being at the labour would be the last thing my mother would want to do!! She is the most maternal....she wouldn't even come wedding dress shopping with me when I asked her to grin Mothers (and MIL), very strange and unpredictable creatures grin

Jiltedjohnsjulie Mon 18-Nov-13 00:07:33

The thing is my mother isn't maternal at all and that's partly why I was so shock. She started working nights, through choice, when I was 6 weeks old because "it was better than being at home with a screaming baby and I just left your dad to sort you out...". That was partly why I was so taken aback that she would actually want to be there.

Aaliyah1 Mon 18-Nov-13 00:08:30

She just assumes she's coming and will be there for EVERYTHING. And she's lovely and I'm glad that she's so happy/excited but I'm a private person. I've even told my mum she can't come and she's asked a couple of times. The MIL is a more delicate person...
DH is on my side but also dosent want to have an awkward convo with her. He's normally really good and will tell MIL when she's overstepping the mark so I don't want to cause problems between them if it can be avoided.
Telling her only one person is allowed may work but I'm just worried shel find out its a lie confused

Jiltedjohnsjulie Mon 18-Nov-13 00:10:55

Well they do change the rules all of the time so if that's the fib you want to tell and she catches you out just say "really, gosh I really do wish they'd make up their minds, they seem to change the rules every week" smile

Aaliyah1 Mon 18-Nov-13 00:11:33

Haha good one jilted wink

IAlwaysThought Mon 18-Nov-13 00:29:02

You need to start to be more straightforward with her. I wouldn't start making excuses just be honest with her. There is nothing wrong with telling her that you only want DH with you at the next appointment. If she feels hurt it's NOT your problem.
It would be nice if your DH dealt with this but if you doubt he will do it then it might be best to start 'training' you MIL yourself.

Grumblelion Mon 18-Nov-13 00:51:00

Or you could blame miscommunication if she does find out? "Two people ARE allowed?? But the person I spoke to said only one...." TBH though she'd make herself look a bit odd if she went behind your back to check what you told her!

Seriously however, it might be a bit awkward but you're far better off telling her the truth and setting limits to her involvement now rather than later in pregnancy or after the birth when she'll probably be even more keen to invite herself around!

justhayley Mon 18-Nov-13 01:01:18

Your DH needs to stand up and tell her it's not your job. My MIL had a strop because my mum was coming to the birth o our DS but she wasn't!!!! This is the same MIL who didn't talk to me till I was 6 months pregnant because she believed after 7 1/2 years together we were rushing things lol.

Honestly don't make up excuses as it will only get worse and harder once the baby arrives.

Your amazing for letting her be at the firt one I would have made her wait outside lol

TobyLerone Mon 18-Nov-13 04:23:13

Your husband needs to man up.

HicDraconis Mon 18-Nov-13 04:37:44

Tell her you'd like just your husband at the scans but maybe offer to get her a photo? I know I could get copies of scan pictures for grandparents at mine.

Don't lie with "short notice" appointments or "just one person" because you really shouldn't have to. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of white lies to her every time you want to do something that you're worried will upset her - and you will get found out in something which would be much worse than honesty from the start.

Finally - if she's disappointed or upset - don't make it your problem. It's her disappointment therefore it's her problem to manage. Feeling guilty and making managing your MiL's feelings your problem will lead to a lifetime of low level petty resentment.

IDontDoIroning Mon 18-Nov-13 04:46:13

This is what you need to tell your dh if it's your 20 week anomaly scan - you all need to bear in mind it's a serious medical procedure not an entertainment event.
A number of very important checks will need to he done on the baby and the medical personnel won't want granny withering on in the background. Only once all the checks are done and everything is ok do they turn the screen round. It's quite likely they only allow mum plus one anyway.
On very rare occasions they do suspect serious health concerns for baby and need to convey those to the mum. It's not appropriate to have an audience for that.

You can lie and tell her theres a limit to the number of people allowed in, or lie about the date but that won't solve the problem of her expecting an involvement.

Your dh needs to tell her it's only going to be the 2 of you otherwise you're going to be in for more of the same further on down the line.

PinkApple86 Mon 18-Nov-13 06:59:16

I think you both need to overcome this now and tell her firmly but kindly. otherwise like others have said she will be turning up when you're in labour and banging on the door at 9am when you're in your pjs with a newborn and had no sleep. make her understand it's you and dhs baby and your special time or she will be taking over and even more hurt when you have to tell her then.

killpeppa Mon 18-Nov-13 07:52:37

my exMIL walked into my 20 week scan & the midwife let her!
I was fummmmmiinnng!

It was my ds1 & we were meant to be finding out the gender. didnt in the end as she was there. We dont get along.

greentshirt Mon 18-Nov-13 08:17:16

Mine is gagging to come to the 20 week scan too but she won't dare ask (that's how you need to get her lol). I had a few early scans and actually asked her to come to an internal one that I didn't want to go to on my own and she was 'too busy' so she knows she has burned her bridges now.

You need to be clear and nip it in the bud or she will only get worse. I'm really quite direct and my DH backs me up (which my mil knows means it's non negotiable, if he didn't she would sniff it out as a weakness). At the weekend it emerged she is expecting the baby to stay with her overnight next Xmas (Xmas eve and Xmas day) - we live about 200 metres from her, she can forget it!!

PrincessKitKat Mon 18-Nov-13 09:05:00

Totally agree with Ironing - your trump card is that 20 week scan is a serious anomaly scan, not a meet & greet with baby.

I've got mine in Thursday & no way on earth would I want anyone but DH in there with me at such a tense time. I'm horrible when I'm nervous & Even my own DM, let alone my MIL would get on my nerves with constant wittering.

If DH really won't man up, tell her you're sorry but you're very nervous, it's a serious event & your MW has advised its best if just you & DH attend. But promise to come over that evening with the pics smile

Best of luck with MIL and your scan!

Onlymydogunderstandsme Mon 18-Nov-13 09:11:21

I had this with my MIL, she asked when the 20 week scan was and then said "oh I'm off that day I will come too"! I was too surprised to say anything but when she left DH and I agreed it was something special for us to share and also if there had been any anomalies found MIL would be the last person I would want there, she is just a tad over emotional and it wouldn't have been helpful!

In the end I spoke to the midwife who said that it was hospital policy to only have one person with you unless it was special circumstances. MIL accepted this and I felt better as I didn't have to lie, if I had been honest she probably would have had a breakdown!

littlecrumb Mon 18-Nov-13 09:25:02

I would ask your DH to speak yo her. Would hate my MIL to be there for scans & labour.

schokolade Mon 18-Nov-13 09:25:56

MIL and FIL (!) were supposed to come to one of my scans. My DH invited them and I sort of went along with it. They didn't come in the end, and it was just as well because I ended up having an internal ultrasound (i.e. naked from the waist down). I'd like to think they'd have just left when that started happening but they're totally unbothered by nudity, so I'm not so sure...

DonnaMoss Mon 18-Nov-13 09:31:16

My 20 week anomoly scan was awful and we were told some pretty scary stuff about our baby - if my Mil had been there she would have made it so much worse.
As a previous poster said, its not just a scan for entertainment, its a real medical proceedure. Your dh needs to tell her to back off.

In this situation I would firstly ask DH to have a firm word, but second option would be to fib about the amount of people allowed in the room. I've only ever known one person to attend scans with any of my pregnant friends (but that may be out of choice rather than rules) but I imagine it can vary between areas/hospitals

oscarwilde Mon 18-Nov-13 13:06:48

Tell her it's hospital policy as it's for an anomoly scan and that your midwife said that for the 20 wk scan, people are encouraged not to bring other children in case there is bad news.

If she seems upset, you can always offer to get extra photos for her or ask if she would like to fund a 4D scan (assuming you would like one).

You could also say that you intend for the gender to be a surprise and so, don't want anyone in the room as it becomes more difficult for the technician to keep the screen discreet....

Or you could just make it clear that you and your DH will be going by yourselves this time in a firm no nonsense tone of voice.

oscarwilde Mon 18-Nov-13 13:12:46

Mostly I would point out to your DH that under no circumstances will his mother be in the delivery room. That unless he wants a MUCH more awkward/confrontational conversation with his mother, that he needs to gently point out that her attendance was a surprise the last time and it is not appropriate that she goes to more medical appointments with the two of you.

Mim78 Mon 18-Nov-13 16:13:27

My instinct would be for one of you to just tell her honestly that it's a private time for the two of you. But you know her best and if you think that won't work there are lots of good lies above!

I sympathise because I really don't want anyone but DH with me. Even when DH has been unable to come to certain things due to work (he was at the main scans - 12 and 20 weeks) I haven't wanted anyone else with me. Just feels wrong to me - I'd rather be on my own. I really like my MIL and DM but still.

caitlinsurrey Fri 22-Nov-13 13:39:47

Hi, i haven't read the other comments but just say it how it is to her! The longer you let her get her own way the more she will push and be there every time you turn a corner. Set boundaries now so she knows where she stands! x

caitlinsurrey Fri 22-Nov-13 13:40:38

Also a good lie could be they only let limited number of ppl in the maternity wards.

tertle Fri 22-Nov-13 13:59:13

Agree with all other posters about this being a medical procedure. It's not entertainment! Your MIL would hardly be booking time off work to accompany you to the dentist, would she?
I would try to be forceful and tell her that it's not appropriate and that it is a private time between you and your husband. If you lie about the date it'll only make things worse and you'll have to appease her by allowing her along to the next one. It's tough but honesty is the best policy. She is an adult, this is your baby, not hers. She'll get over it. Good luck.

havingastress Fri 22-Nov-13 14:10:08

Just don't tell her when it is??! grin

SaucyJack Fri 22-Nov-13 14:26:47

Don't lie. Just put your foot down. Start as you mean to go on or she will be unbearable by the time you actually have the baby.

Chocolatemolehill Fri 22-Nov-13 14:50:17

I agree you or (ideally) your partner should be honest with her and manage her expectations from the start.
Or if you want to be nice and make some sort of compromise maybe she could come along but stay outside and only come in for a couple of minutes at the end, if all is fine, just to see the baby? (Only if you are comfortable with this though!)
This is what my husband and I will be doing at our gender scan (we're doing it privately at 16 weeks). It's going to be my parents' first grandchild and they are super excited. They live abroad and I don't see them often and they won't be around when the baby is born. They are coming to visit us at Christmas and me and my husband decided to organise an extra scan then and invite them along. They will wait outside initially as we want it to be just the two of us when we are told the gender and if there are any problems. But then they will come in and see their grandchild.

Hollyjokes Fri 22-Nov-13 15:21:38

Agree that honesty would be best. She needs to know now that you don't want her there otherwise she'll probably expect to be present for the birth or turn up at hospital before you've even had your first post natal shower! She'll also turn up unannounced at your house all the time when you're trying to settle in and bond with the baby. It would be a good idea to set some boundaries now but the whole thing gets out if control. Good luck smile

Hollyjokes Fri 22-Nov-13 15:22:14

But=before

puntasticusername Fri 22-Nov-13 19:25:36

Agree with those who have said tell her they only let one other person in the room with you. Perfectly true at both the hospitals I've been scanned at! And reassure her that you will get her lots of pictures. And yes, be crystal clear about your preferences for the birth.

How would you feel about having a further scan done privately, a little later on, that she could attend? Maybe offer her that as a compromise option...the deal being that she would have to pay for it :p

Xenadog Fri 22-Nov-13 20:24:43

OP why are you worried about offending you MiL? She clearly isn't concerned about over-stepping the mark with you so I do feel that you can be quite honest with her.

I would say: "MiL it will just be myself and DH at the scan. Obviously at some point afterwards we will come and share the news and pictures with you but at the actual scan it will just be us."

If she says she was at the first one so why shouldn't she attend this one I would reply with: "Yes and you invited yourself to that and we need to do this on our own and together. I am sure you understand and appreciate how special this time will be for DH and I."

Give her no wiggle room to try to argue you round and you definitely do not feel bad/guilty or responsible for her feelings.

I really wouldn't lie to her (these things have a habit of coming out) and the more often you assert yourself the easier life will become in respect of drawing boundaries with her in future.

McBaby Fri 22-Nov-13 20:47:57

Only one adult allowed to accompany you at our 20 week scan. So tell her that.

MrTumblesKnickers Fri 22-Nov-13 22:55:45

Your MIL would hardly be booking time off work to accompany you to the dentist, would she?

Oh please tell her that hospital procedure won't allow more than one adult BUT you've checked with your dentist and he will allow your MIL to accompany you to the ever-so-exciting Antenatal Dental Procedure!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now