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Reactions when you tell people you pregnant? Like disrespectful comments.

(101 Posts)
Sarahmains40 Mon 30-Sep-13 17:32:04

Most people have been really happy for me. Funny a few people when I told them I'm pregnant they say well your not married or when are you getting married? Seriously it's 2013. I'm 27 and my OH is 29 we've been together for 10 years he is my only ever boyfriend and I love him dearly. We are engaged for about 3 years but just haven't got around to getting hitched. We bought a house together and renovated and invested a lot of money in to that. We work full time so in our free time we like to go on holidays etc. Before baby gets here lol.

To me money is better spent on other things than a wedding that I know will get totally out of control. (Nothing wrong with having a massive wedding just not for me )

We both decieded when we do get married we will do it in a registry office on the quite and cheap.

But after these comments I feel like my OH and I aren't seen as a proper couple. Tbh my relastionship is better than a lot of marriages I know.

It's the one thing I never thought would be a problem untill I've told people were having a baby.

cathpip Mon 30-Sep-13 17:40:57

"You need to invest in central heating" it's only dc3!

AhoyAhoy Mon 30-Sep-13 17:48:34

I don't think you need to explain or justify yourself, and I certainly don't think you need to be married to want a child and be a good parent. (And I also think that money can well be better spent than on a big wedding- registry office with immediate family only for me)

Enjoy your time with your partner while it's just the two of you. Enjoy your remaining holidays, and good luck with your pregnancy.

DaleyBump Mon 30-Sep-13 17:56:27

"Do you know who the father is?"

Sarahmains40 Mon 30-Sep-13 18:00:57

Seriously Daley ? grin how would you even reply to that? I told people quite ealry on I'm 12 weeks now were I should be just telling people. Week 11 I've been hit with mad hormones and feel like arguring with any one. It's lucky I've had the crappy comments out way a few weeks ago. Or I may of lost my job or friends lol

valiumredhead Mon 30-Sep-13 18:04:41

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you then as 1 in 4 early pregnancies end in MC.

Nice eh? I criedsad

DaleyBump Mon 30-Sep-13 18:07:00

I just went "err, yes, he's my partner of four years and he's sitting in the waiting room hmm". I've had it a few times and I think it's because of my age (I'm 18).

Try not to focus on the horrible comments, some people just take pleasure in making others feel bad.

Natale28 Mon 30-Sep-13 18:07:13

Sarah i just thought i'd say that i could have written your post! I'm 28 and my boyfriend is 29, we own a house, both have good jobs etc but some people are obsessed with the fact that we're not married! One person even said to me 'please tell me you're getting married before the baby arrives!' How rude! I'm a divorce solicitor and i could have come up with plenty of smart a**e responses but i think i was so shocked i just couldn't speak at the time! Some people need to realise that not being married does not mean your relationship is somehow unstable!

I think we should just ignore the negative people! Good luck with everything x

DaleyBump Mon 30-Sep-13 18:08:02

Oh yeah, when I was in hospital with bleeding and they thought I was miscarrying (luckily I wasn't) one of the midwifes said to me "you're young, you can just have another."

AhoyAhoy Mon 30-Sep-13 18:08:46

Seriously Valium?!! What kind of moron would say that!!

gintastic Mon 30-Sep-13 18:10:42

"Is it the same father as the other 2?" when knocked up with no3. Um yes, that would be my husband?!?

Lostinspace1 Mon 30-Sep-13 18:11:49

I'm in a similar situation and my Dad said 'what are you going to do when it all goes wrong?'....I said 'I think you mean, 'if' it goes wrong'.

You have to toughen up in pregnancy. I've had so many irritating comments its amazing. Mainly from parents and OH parents. Just let it all wash off you.

valiumredhead Mon 30-Sep-13 18:13:03

Ahoy, my boss.sad

Jammyforeigner Mon 30-Sep-13 18:13:06

It's pretty shit isn't it?!

I'm dreading breaking the news next month. Currently 8+3 with my second.

The worst comment I had was from DP grandmother. She told me "how dare you bring a bastard child into this family" I was too shocked to respond. I wish I had now. Funnily enough DD 2 absolutely adores her. Although in my hearts of hearts I know she will never fully accept her as a great granddaughter, firstly because she's a "bastard" child and secondly because she's mixed race. Anyway DD is very much loved and that is all that matters.

Sleepthief Mon 30-Sep-13 18:17:45

Some people are thick, some people speak before they think, some people are downright unpleasant... I disabused DS1 recently of the belief that you have to be married to procreate (I think he thought you could physically get pregnant if you weren't married hmm <needs to have that conversation>). He was 8, though...

enormouse Mon 30-Sep-13 18:22:18

Some of these are shocking and that's so sad for her jammy, that she can't see past that awful viewpoint.

From the random woman that turned up to do a consumer survey about soft drinks this morning.
Her - 'is he your only child?' (Indicating ds)
Me - 'no, I'm expecting another boy next January'
Her - 'oh, right…are you going to have another after that? You know. See if you can get a girl?'
Me - '…hmm…no.'

She had a few more gems to offer but I hustled her out soon after.

Charingcrossbun Mon 30-Sep-13 18:26:47

I agree - no need to explain or justify yourself.

The weird one I've had a lot and from people I don't know very well is "Were you trying?" Or "was it expected?"
How do I answer that? Do people really want an answer? It's actually a really personal question..
"Yes we've been at it regularly and I stuck my legs in the air and cycled Like Victoria Pendleton after we did the deed" or "No the condom split, completely freaked out and worried life will never be the same again".
So far I've just mumbled a not really/we're really pleased etc

LittleLight82 Mon 30-Sep-13 18:29:01

DP and I aren't married, though living together in a very happy and secure relationship, but because of the lack of the "ring finger positive" sign people seemed to think that we'd gotten caught out. I now preempt this with "yes WE DECIDED TO TRY SO WE'RE ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTED". I'd been on the pill for the preceding eight years- I know how contraception works people! (No offense to anyone who has been caught out- nothing is 100%, I just hate the automatic assumptions!)

honey86 Mon 30-Sep-13 18:31:42

'youre mad!' 'another one?? how on EARTH will you cope?' hmm
and 'are you gonna keep it?' shock

Jammyforeigner Mon 30-Sep-13 18:32:13

enormouse it is very sad. She is 92. So I tend to make allowances for the racist highly offensive crap she spouts. We're considering a quickie registry do next month just because there was such a fall out before Dd was born. The fact that DP and I have been together for 7 yrs means nothing.

Another one I've had a few times.

Was it planned? I mean WTF?

NoIHaventHadTheBabyYet Mon 30-Sep-13 18:33:37

People always ask us if we planned it. I am going to say 'no, it was an accident, we meant to do bumsex'

SaucyJack Mon 30-Sep-13 18:35:05

"Weren't you in time to get an abortion?"

From my darling mother.

Anothermrssmith Mon 30-Sep-13 18:52:16

I've been asked so many times if it was planned,I really think people dont understand quite how personal that question is. Though in my case almost everyone I that asked me that I work with, only started my job in march and got pregnant in June, think they were trying to figure out if I took the job knowing I would probably be needing maternity leave in the near future (so funnily enough the answer they got was 'no its a total surprise but we're thrilled anyway').

Also got a 'oh honey how did that happen' from a friend who didn't know we were trying,for some reason she thought I would be devestated.

Sarahmains40 Mon 30-Sep-13 18:52:39

Omg some times I think people just don't think before they speak. I too have had the was it planned were you trying which to me is very invasive.

One other thing that annoys me is when people at work look at my tummy all the time. I'm chubby naturally lol so I'm not showing yet only 12 weeks.

It amazes me how people think some things are acceptable to say out loud.

VerySmallSqueak Mon 30-Sep-13 18:54:43

I got

"Oh,that's a shame", and

"Don't you think you're too old?" (I was 35 FFS)

AngelsLieToKeepControl Mon 30-Sep-13 18:57:23

My last pregnancy was a bit of a surprise, when I told dh his reaction was 'is it mine' grin he was mortified, and I've never let him live it down.

My Mother said 'I assume you're getting sterilised after this one'. confused

luxemburgerli Mon 30-Sep-13 18:58:20

Do you know, before I got pregnant I had read a few of these types of threads so I was all prepared with my amazing witty comebacks. And not one person has responded in anything other than the appropriate manner. How dare they?!

Sarahmains40 Mon 30-Sep-13 19:04:00

Very small squeak that's prob one of the rudest comments ever. A lot of people I know had kids early 20s and this one guy I work with him and his GF had a baby a 22 which is there personal choice. I never wanted kids until my 30s and he use to tell I should have them when I'm still young rather than 30s when I'm old. WTF I know I actually having my first at 27 but he found out I was pregnant and made sure he reminded me I was an older mum. How F¥$@&g rude.

My mum had me at 31 and my sis at 33 she's now 56 and is not old in slightest.

This idiot co worker once he found out I was pregnant when went on to tell mettle the first 6 months of pregnancy are a BREEZE!!!! HAHAHA I've had horrible sickness and nausea plus mood swing and extreme fatigue. I'm only 12 weeks 3 months in were is the BREEZE What an absolute plonker.

One more comment of him and I may lose my job lol I'm wound up just thinking about him

Sarahmains40 Mon 30-Sep-13 19:05:15

Then went on to tell me that was meant to say in last paragraph lol sorry angry typing lol

BlueJess Mon 30-Sep-13 19:16:34

Lots of people (including vague acquaintances and complete strangers) felt the fact that we were having twins entitled them to ask it if was an IVF pregnancy.

It is beyond me why anyone would think that was their business.

I would usually try to politely avoid the question but those who were persistent were often asked "do tell
me exactly how you conceived your children?"

Spacefrog35 Mon 30-Sep-13 19:18:38

A variation on the 'was it planned' was from a woman who started at my work when I was about 14 weeks who in the middle of a conversation said ' don't worry you'll get over the surprise of being pregnant soon and settle into it'. My reply being something along the lines of 'er, it was planned, I'm cool with it thanks'. She finished with 'oh sorry, I just assumed at your age it must have been a mistake'. I'm 36!!! confused

luxemburgerli Mon 30-Sep-13 19:20:14

Ah Sarahmains40, you reminded me! I had morning sickness too, and while I was throwing up my (generally lovely) MIL commented to DH that she'd never felt better than when she was pregnant. Very nearly shouted through the bathroom door that she could shove her pregnancy glow up her arse grin

Also in the throes of morning sickness plenty of people told me it didn't last forever, and that there was "only" another 6 weeks or so til it would pass. And there I was wondering how I'd get through the next 5 minutes!!

Spacefrog35 Mon 30-Sep-13 19:22:37

A variation on the 'was it planned' was from a woman who started at my work when I was about 14 weeks who in the middle of a conversation said ' don't worry you'll get over the surprise of being pregnant soon and settle into it'. My reply being something along the lines of 'er, it was planned, I'm cool with it thanks'. She finished with 'oh sorry, I just assumed at your age it must have been a mistake'. I'm 36!!! confused

Sarahmains40 Mon 30-Sep-13 19:24:44

Luxemburger if I hear one more time "how you feeling Hun" me "ok just sick etc etc". " oh don't worry it will pass"

PASS I've threw up like 10 times a day feel nauseous all day for 8 weeks and your telling me it will just pass. I know it will but I just really don't need to hear that right now.

luxemburgerli Mon 30-Sep-13 19:41:50

God I agree. Wait until they have their next hangover, ring them up after an especially vigorous bout of vomiting and tell them it will "pass" (and a damn sight quicker than morning sickness!!)... ah revenge plots!

Sarahmains40 Mon 30-Sep-13 19:48:25

HAHA I hope they get stuck at work in office with me with the hangover. I will put my bright happy talkative head on. Which is rear lately and I will say ohhhhhhh self inflicted....or it's your age we could all do this when we were young. Might even put the radio LOUD. Yes thanks for that fab idea it's put a smile bk on my face lol

Oh and a big greasy bacon sarnie for them nom nom

RibenaFiend Mon 30-Sep-13 19:52:11

My office manager has the absolute most rude and disgusting response every time a member of the work force announces a pregnancy...
"Oh. Wow. Erm. You're happy?"
"Oh. Was it planned?"
"And it's who's?"

I shit you not. The girl is 30, she had the emotional intellect of a squid and the social abilities of a plastic pot plant. I don't think that she means to be as horrendously rude as she is, she's just inept.

I am delighted that one day my DP and I will have a baby and I will be able to retort with "do you mean to be so rude?" Because she's actually inept.

Another with the 'was it planned?'

Also 'Oh, God, I'd be utterly devastated if it was me. I'd have to 'deal with it'.'

WTVF? I need to know that, why?

polkadotsrock Mon 30-Sep-13 20:13:56

DHs (wanker of a...) dad- 'you just don't know when to stop do you?' It's our second!!! And his second grandchild!! Arsehole.

ch1134 Mon 30-Sep-13 20:57:31

It's very surprising that people think you should be married, when I think I heard somewhere that more kids in the UK are currently being born outside of marriage than in.
I am married, but when the teenagers I teach found out I was expecting, lots of them said 'but you're not married', as if that has any effect on fertility!
It's amazing that they assume because I look young I can't be married, and if I'm not married I can't have a baby. Actually, I'm 30, wed and pregnant - very conventional. But I could have had a baby a lot earlier on and without a husband.

BummyMummy77 Mon 30-Sep-13 21:49:56

Bad comments normally are from parents.

My mother was convinced I'd mc and kept telling me so and my mil, well, she's just driven me nuts with her anger at me refusing to go into hospital (live in the States where they have the worst maternity care in the developed
world) and that there's no way I could have a natural birth.

I think pregnant women should not tell anyone, ever. :/

Sammi1986 Mon 30-Sep-13 22:11:56

Friend - "was it planned?"
Manager - "oh, erm, is that a good thing?"
Ex from 6 years ago - "I have nothing to say on that matter, I know you're not really happy with him". :/

Catsize Mon 30-Sep-13 22:28:05

From my mother-in-law (who is obsessed with my weight)...

'So, are you going on a diet now then?'.

I am a size 16 but 6ft tall so not exactly morbidly obese, and I was back in my jeans within four days of DS1. Not that I feel the need to explain!

She also asked once if I was doing a marathon overnight walk for Cancer Research to lose weight. confused

apprenticemamma Mon 30-Sep-13 22:49:06

my dad: so is dh getting the snip after this?
our dc2/dhs dc5.

CrispyFB Mon 30-Sep-13 23:10:27

My own mother. All our babies were planned and she knew we wanted four eventually.

DC1 - "Oh, it's early days, anything could happen" (4 weeks)
DC2 - "Oh, it's early days, anything could happen" (I was 10 weeks with good scans!)
DC3 - "Bugger"

.. DC4 (this one) - "Congratulations!"

I guess she finally worked it out..!

FIL. We have his only grandchildren, so he's hardly inundated with them, and he lives 8 hours away: "Three is a good number, you should stop at three" hmm

Bet he felt bad when we told him a few weeks later I was 12 weeks gone with DC4!

Purplefrogshoe Mon 30-Sep-13 23:15:02

MIL hmmmm I didn't really want another grandchild

honey86 Mon 30-Sep-13 23:27:41

i normally get greeted with 'hello fatty!' sad im heavily preg ffs sad

DaleyBump Mon 30-Sep-13 23:37:59

honey I get that too, from my gran, every single time I see her. It's always followed by "is he awake?" because she wants to feel my stomach. I've started ignoring her, I'm not just a fucking baby machine angry I've also had from my gran, when I had awful morning sickness and was managing a plate of chilli (the only meal I'd been able to eat that day), "you just don't stop stuffing your face, do you?! Look at you shovelling it in! Eating for two then?" Cheeky cow. Wonder how she felt when I threw it up 20 minutes later angry

I've also had (from MIL), "So you're just eating anything and everything then?" and "you definitely look like you've been eating for two, you've put on so much weight!" I've actually lost weight everywhere but my belly (my arse is a sorry saggy thing now sad). She even said this when I was eating strawberries. Fruit. It's not like I was tucking into a chippy, and it's none of her business even if I was!

catameringue Tue 01-Oct-13 08:47:41

All these comments people say are outrageously rude!

I've not had anything to that degree, just people saying srupid things like 'oh you were trying for a year? You must have relaxed because this happens all the time that couples try for ages, then they relax and it happens'.

If you've ever met me, you'd see I never relax. I want to slap people when they think they know the secret workings of my loins.

kchapper5 Tue 01-Oct-13 08:59:29

People can be so rude.
My MIL said when i started to suffer with morning sickness and migraines "welcome to the real world" hmm sorry but as i'm 25 with a good job my own house mortgage and had to practically raise myself because of my alcoholic mother I think I've been in the real world for quite a while.

faithfulandtruthful Tue 01-Oct-13 09:26:57

My personal favorite I was asked by one of my mums close friends (he is in his early 70's) the other day...

How did you find out?
eerr, I peed on a stick. I wanted to add something about how peeing on frogs was considered outdated these days but I bit my tongue.

The other one is, 'how has your Mum taken the news' or 'is your Mum pleased' because we currently live with her (to save for a house), but we had a conversation with her about starting a family as I have health problems and turned 30 this year so I didn't want to get into being a 35+ mum with complications on top of my current health problems. She is very pleased and highly supportive.

Everyone I have told has been told out right 'we were trying and pleased' rather firmly after experiencing my first 'do you want to keep it' from my GP at 4 weeks gone.

F&T

MissGarth Tue 01-Oct-13 09:36:34

Ooh I actually think I could win this thread!

The same close member of my family said all the following to me:

First PG : 'Is it planned?' Married 8 years at the time, trying for 4
(1st PG ended in a stillbirth)

Second PG 'well at least it will be easy to get this one out as you've already been stretched out by the first one'.
(Second PG ended in MC)

Third PG 'I don't know why you are trying again, you obviously can't do babies'
(Third PG ended in MC)

Fourth PG 'I feel sorry for x (DH) putting him through all this again'
(fourth PG ended in MC)

I am newly PG again and won't be telling any of that side of the family I am pregnant until labour wink

SuperMuddle Tue 01-Oct-13 09:36:47

Some of these are appalling! How can people actually think that what they're saying is acceptable?

Not myself, but my sister had a couple of comments from our devoutly Christian family members on getting pregnant outside marriage. Namely, 'is this a happy accident?' ( Ie, surely no one ever intends to have children out of wedlock, do they?) and the predictable 'so, you'll be getting married in the next few months, then?' Fine to wait till you're married if that's your belief, but to be genuinely surprised that others think differently is somewhat arrogant!

cupcakeicing Tue 01-Oct-13 09:38:36

MIL 'Gobsmacked'. Not in a good way.

cupcakeicing Tue 01-Oct-13 09:40:10

All best wishes for you Norah.

katieAashley Tue 01-Oct-13 09:42:46

"And do you know the father?" , or "and are you happy to be pregnant"

MissGarth Tue 01-Oct-13 09:43:27

Thanks cupcakeicing x

faithfulandtruthful Tue 01-Oct-13 09:52:45

Norah All the best with your current pregnancy, what terrible comments, this is certainly not a thread I would care to 'win'.

I haven't had trouble getting or staying preggers But there a a few people in my acquaintance that I wouldn't mind just sauntering in having had the baby going 'oh, that did I forget to mention it, must have passed me by' So can't imagine to know how you feel.

F&T

PixieBumbles Tue 01-Oct-13 10:04:19

From my manager: "I knew it. I bloody knew this was going to happen. When we hired you I said to the partners we'd be lucky if we got three years out of you before you buggered off to have kids. Ah well this is what happens when you employ women, thing is men are shit at admin type stuff so you have to put up with it." shock

mamaslatts Tue 01-Oct-13 10:15:39

From a work colleague: I didn't know you were pg, I thought you'd just put on weight!'

I was 8 months and going on maternity leave.

EeyoreIsh Tue 01-Oct-13 10:20:41

norah best of luck with your pregnancy, I really hope it goes well.

bofski14 Tue 01-Oct-13 10:20:48

Finding out I was pregnant and testing the waters with my mother only to be told "Don't be ridiculous. You couldn't look after a dog!" No idea where she got that from as I've never owned a dog in my life! Seems to be excited now though.

working9while5 Tue 01-Oct-13 10:21:19

Someone at a sodding evening jewellery class asked was it planned.

I said nah, it was a bottle of wine wink

Not true but shut em up and made them blush.

bofski14 Tue 01-Oct-13 10:23:21

Oh also, I'm unmarried (shock horror) and when I mentioned to one of my work colleagues that the midwife said the baby's head was engaged she said "Oh well she beat you to it. At least ONE of you is engaged!". Oh, how I laughed. Not.

BlackholesAndRevelations Tue 01-Oct-13 10:26:59

I've had "was it plNned?" and "are you MAD??!" because it's my third and I have two small dc already. I could kiss those who are positive about it; a few mums I know who have three with similar age gaps.

BlackholesAndRevelations Tue 01-Oct-13 10:30:20

Oh bloody hell Norah, how you are still talking to this "close family member" I have no idea. How horrendous.

Fingers crossed for this one flowers

Anothermrssmith Tue 01-Oct-13 10:47:40

I've got another one!

As I said in my last post,I found out I was pregnant in June, having started my job in march. However, I was about 10 weeks before I actually got a positive test and told my boss within a couple of days as I am under consultant care so have loads of hospital appointments to go to. When I told him his first question (after was it planned) was how far along are you (fair question,no problem there) THEN asked me if I had still been having periods to get so far along without knowing I was pregnant! He was so trying to figure out if I knew I was pregnant when I took the job.

Yes boss, I am going to go into the intimate details of my monthly cycle to try and explain to you how I got to ten weeks pregnant without knowing it! (4 negative pregnancy tests in the two weeks after my period was due followed by some spotting is how I got that far but wasn't going to tell him that)

ginslinger Tue 01-Oct-13 10:49:50

there's a significant gap between DC1&2 and DC3 and I was told that that would stop me having a good time and was I going to keep it?

ladylashes Tue 01-Oct-13 11:00:50

My 'lovely' mother (who knew we were ttc) said: "oh no, what have you done?". I'm 28 and in a happy long term relationship ffs. She then didn't call me for a week and a half (when she normally calls me daily). She has issues!

OTOH my fantastic dad and nana got all teary with happiness which was so fab :-)

terilou87 Tue 01-Oct-13 11:10:49

Some of these are shocking, I'm pg with dc5 and I have heard a few, the one that annoyed me most was if I knew who the dad was, had been with dp for 3 years and it was his dumb aunty that asked (she never liked me and even told dp she had seen me with another bloke) I was too shocked to even answer her and walked out. Also had the when r u getting married/ are you married, my reply is I don't believe in marriage and I never intend on getting married, iv also had are you trying for a football team which I now reply iv just finished my 5 aside I think that's enough. And you need to get a tv remark, my answer to that is iv got one thanks blame sky for never putting anything decent on! It still shocks me how people think they can be so rude just because your pregnant angry

terilou87 Tue 01-Oct-13 11:13:17

Maybe should say that dp's aunt said that when I was pg with dc1 been together 9 years now x

Notonthisplanet Tue 01-Oct-13 11:16:27

It's amazing what some people say. I'm pregnant with no2 been with father for 14 years not married and made to feel inferior by his family. There has been a few weddings on his side recently and those couples have only been together around a couple years each but they talk like they are far superior in thier relationships than us and how marraige is more important than having children etc, they have a few step kids between them. They talk to me like I'm still a bit of an outsider in the family.

peanutMD Tue 01-Oct-13 11:21:16

My great Gran told me she didn't think i was so stupid when i told her we were expecting DC2.

DP and i have been together for 12 years (since we were 14), both have jobs and DS is relatively healthy and well cared for so I've never understood what she was going in abut.

katebakes Tue 01-Oct-13 12:40:09

My grandmother first asked if I was drunk when I told her I was pregnant and then kept asking if I was sure I was pregnant...then asked my mother if I was going to keep the baby - there was NEVER any doubt about that.

I'm 24 (now married) with a degree from a good uni...husband is starting his Masters.

Now she can't wait for the baby to arrive and keeps asking how 'that baby is' and telling me how much she already loves him. I know it sounds rather cruel but part of me wants to tell her to f* off, despite the fact that I get on with her and she can be very sweet. My father can't stand her and has always been incredibly supportive so I know if I bring it up he'll at least say something amusing.

TKKW Tue 01-Oct-13 14:01:19

Another "so are you going to get married soon then?". Just so rude.

x0gawjus0x Tue 01-Oct-13 14:19:38

I got "are you going to keep it" surely i wouldnt be telling people if i wasnt..

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 01-Oct-13 14:23:38

My bf and I had similar comments we'd been together 11 years when we found out we were expecting not married either so we had a lot of comments about that.
I also had some lovely comments that people though we didn't want kids as I'm too selfish and others though I was 'barren' nice people around.
My advice- smile and fuck what people think smile
Congrats by the way

firstimer30s Tue 01-Oct-13 14:49:33

From my younger sister: "omg, I can't believe this is happening to me, I need time to absorb it"
From my older sister: "whatever you do, make sure you ask for an epidural and don't take anything else they offer you"
From my grandma: "don't eat too much, although people will know" (I was 3 months and not showing) "as you've got fatter"
From my dh's grandmother: "don't diet, you'll have a small baby"

Emilycee Tue 01-Oct-13 15:34:41

Oooh that was quick! We got married in April, are in our mid 30s what do people expect?! I think because I am quite irritable at the moment silly comments wind me up! smile

Ginnytonic82 Tue 01-Oct-13 15:40:41

My mil said, "how can you do this to me, I'm far too young to be a grandma?!" She had Dh when she was 16 - he and I are expecting our first at 31, so not exactly our doing!

People can be very insensitive and rude. I don't understand why people feel it's ok to comment on other peoples lives. As long as you're happy who the hell cares?! Good luck with everything and ignore the stupid comments .

Handbagsonnhold Tue 01-Oct-13 16:00:38

Ah op I'm 40 and only 8 week (not told a soul)...but not married to my oh .....we already have dd age 3 and my oh is almost 50! Funny thing is ....now we are so ancient no one even asks about the marriage thing anymore.....you guys enjoy it and ignore any ridiculous comments....how awful!......good luck

Hope2014 Tue 01-Oct-13 18:51:31

Shocked guy at work:
"gasp but you're not married!"
Me: "that's right, I'm not"
Guy: "*looks relieved* oh it's ok, this 'happened' to someone else I know - they got married later and she's ok now"

!!

Hope2014 Tue 01-Oct-13 18:54:04

Father of DP to my DP:

"Is it yours?" (We've been together 4 years)
Then
"Was it planned?" (!!)
Then
"It's a big commitment' (!!!)

Xenadog Tue 01-Oct-13 19:01:57

I have never wanted kids and at 40 never thought I would have them (PCOS issues too) so when I found out I was pregnant it came as a real shock to me and DP - incidentally we will only have been together 2 years when LO arrives.

Everyone except for one bitch woman at work has been really, really kind to me. This woman however spent a whole week looking at me, staring and then laughing! Bloody rude isn't the word.

Luckily I am now happy with the situation and don't give flying fig what anyone says/thinks but had I been in the least bit sensitive it would have really crushed me.

Some people are just foul aren't they?

Sarahmains40 Tue 01-Oct-13 19:06:52

Norah those comments are horrible. Congratulations and sorry for your losses. Your right tell them a few months after baby's born nasty comment no one should ever have said to them

As for the rest shocking at how in your face and irrationing people are,

Want2bSupermum Tue 01-Oct-13 19:16:30

Congrats. DH's aunt and uncle asked why we needed more than one! They have a major chip on their shoulder about their DD being better than DH. Their DD had one DD who is lovely but spoilt beyond belief. DH was pissed off with their attitude.

I will say that I have pulled friends aside after they have shared their news to say they need to either get married or get to a lawyer so contracts are drawn up. For a woman, having a child puts you in a vunerable position and you need something in place to protect you and your child(ren) should the relationship breakdown or one of you passes away. I don't think my friends took offence to this. I did it quietly and out of concern for them.

MrsDeVere Tue 01-Oct-13 19:18:12

'If you want to do something about it you had better be quick' GP.
'If she tells you its yours don't believe her' BIL to OH
'You had better sit down because I have something awful to tell you' DM to DF

All of the above were about my darling girl. My firstborn and my only DD. Taken from us when she was 14. I was 25 and working and in a relationship with her dad who I am still with nearly 24 years later hmm

other gems aimed at me at various times:

'Do they all have the same father?'
'Single mum?'
'Being pregnant after 35 is discusting (sic)'
Someone bursting into tears when they found out I was having another boy because having a girl would have made losing my DD all better hmm
'I bet you really want a girl'
'You are so lucky to have all those boys, I only have girls'
'OMG you must be mad'

We could have a whole other thread about things said to us after we have the children.

MrsPatMustard Tue 01-Oct-13 19:47:23

"Can't see you as a mother somehow..."

Have taken it all with good grace but the urge to scream 'Go F*ck yourself' is overwhleming.....

MrsPatMustard Tue 01-Oct-13 19:48:33

Well....when I say 'good grace', I mean outwardly I'm showing good grace. Inwardly I'm a psycho, hormonal bitch from hell.....

ThedementedPenguin Tue 01-Oct-13 19:53:24

want2besupermum do you mind explaining what contracts us women need set up? I don't see how having a baby makes me vulnerable.

Mine isn't as bad as some (thankfully)

When we told Dps mum and dad one was like why another? The other one said what you trying to fill that house up there. This will be dc2. They have 4dc themselves.

'Are you with the dad?''

I was 17. No reason to ask personal questions like that. A kind person might ask 'have you got some support? The nappies sure stack up!' like one person did (in a polite, jokey enquiry which I didn't mind) or whatever. As it happens, I wasn't for one very, very good reason.

RaRaZ Tue 01-Oct-13 20:06:45

God this is horrendous! I don't think I've ever said anything more personal than "Oooh how far along are you?" or "Wow, that's exciting!" to a pregnant person hmm Where do all these horrible women come from???

When I was pg earlier this year, totally unplanned, my mother not only asked if bf would be marrying me, but also informed me repeatedly that that I'd never cope, would have no money, bf would split up with me from the stress, she and my dad wouldn't help at all, and I'd be stuck all alone in our flat in a shitty area with a tiny baby and no help or support. Unfortunately she convinced me so well that I had an abortion sad.

Want2bSupermum Tue 01-Oct-13 20:42:57

Penguin It depends on your situation. One friend was with her DP who owned their house. Her name wasn't on the title. I think that puts her in a tough spot should things go wrong. Getting married means that house is now jointly owned. The fact he was open about this concerned me. I thought it was odd that anyone would say that sort of thing in public.

Also, should you decide once you have children to work less the DP will need to support their child but not you. That again puts in you in a weak position should your DP decide to call it quits. Also, if you work less your pension will be less if you split up.

Then there is the old chesnut of what happens should your DP pass away. If you are not married you need to pay death duties on the estate you inherit that is over GBP325k. For most people that isn't a problem but is becomming a lot more common now house prices are so high.

The advice I was given 5/6 years ago was that only thing I would be on the 'hook' for is child support if I wasn't married to DH. I doubt things have changed all that much.

Delayingtactic Tue 01-Oct-13 20:50:14

Senior at work: well you'll never become a surgeon now. Might as we'll be a GP.

Irritating and frustrating in equal measure. Misogyny abounds.

ThedementedPenguin Tue 01-Oct-13 20:51:50

Thanks supermum I was thinking of situations but I didn't come up with them. That's a very good point in those situations.

I'd imagine your friends found it very helpful, I'd hope if I was in the position someone would pull me aside as sometimes you don't think of these things. I'd like to think I'd be happy to receive such information as long as it was the first thing I heard after announcing smile

morgs22 Tue 01-Oct-13 21:07:22

My sisters just asked what the fuck I was thinking, then once the shock was over started talking about names and stuff like that, DP parents asked why I was having sexual intercourse before marriage with their son (I actually laughed at that point) then told me if I don't get an abortion DP would be dead to them (they mean it). Kinda worried about telling a few people at work I know most will be kind and supportive but I work with a couple people who can be so cruel and inappropriate with what they say... so just gonna play it by ear I think and not take anything personally.

EmB1715 Tue 01-Oct-13 21:36:58

I can't count the amount of times I've had: 'you didn't waste any time'. We got married last December and found out I was pg end of March. Just seems so nosy and causes embarrassment. Totally unnecessary.

Sadie204 Tue 01-Oct-13 22:28:13

With DD1 we weren't married but had been together 6yrs, both working, own house etc. I got plenty of when's the wedding? We did get married when DD was 7mths but was already engaged for a long time before that! Also got a couple of is it congratulations? What else should you really say lol. When we told my DM that we are expecting again this time woth DC4 her first words were never mind shock Had loads of people asking if we own a tv aswell. Nothing can beat MIL reaction to holding her first born 6hr old DGD 'Well you broke the chain cos my family only have boys first!' Should have been a sign but 6 yrs later and she hasn't seen DD since that day. Although apparently had commented to other members of DH family that it seemed odd that it wasnt a boy first and were they sure he was the father!! shock

Also hate when MW asks if you are pregnant by same man. Seeing as I've been with DH since I was 16 (he was 17) and he's the only man I've slept with, I should hope so lol.

So sorry to read some of the stories on here. Pregnancy is supposed to be one of the most exciting times, shame on some of your families and friends for their comments! sad Its one thing to get it from strangers but close ones its out of order!

Want2bSupermum Tue 01-Oct-13 22:54:16

Penguin I think they did find it useful and it def wasn't the first thing I said. They all still speak to me and I didn't see any threads on MN at the time about a loony friend telling them to get married!

Sadie I understand why they ask if you are pregnant by the same man but I like the way my obn asked me. I think she said 'So will this one look like DH as well then?" DD looked just like DH for the first 3 months. DS still looks identical to DH.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Tue 01-Oct-13 23:00:38

I had "was it planned?" from 3 people with my first pregnancy. I was 30 ffs.

For dc3 I had "oh, and you had just begun to get your life back" from a good friend of mine hmm It was a much wanted (trying for 6mths) 3rd child!

I huffed. (subtly.)

spatchcock Tue 01-Oct-13 23:01:10

"People always ask us if we planned it. I am going to say 'no, it was an accident, we meant to do bumsex'"

grin

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