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devastated!!! :(

(57 Posts)
Jasss123 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:08:41

after a year together (and 7 years of being best friends!) me and my partner decided to try for a baby! six months later and I find out I'm 8 weeks pregnant! cannot contain my joy and just wanna tell the world, I tell my once-supportive boyfriend and he hits the roof saying he thought it would take longer than this and he's just not ready telling me to get rid of it otherwise he'll be 'miserable for the rest of his life and it'll be All my fault'. gutted! as if that wasn't bad enough, I then think I've miscarried and the doctors think so too, so they send me for a scan at the hospital to confirm it where he doesn't come with me (or to any of the other appointments) and I'm elated to find that little heartbeat on the screen fluttering away! I bring home the picture to show him and he tells me to throw it away because if we're getting rid of it why would we need a picture?!?! I really don't wanna get rid of it, its the last thing I want but I really don't wanna lose him either and now he keeps badgering me daily to phone up and book a termination but I'm trying to put it off for as long as I can, am I wrong to do so? does it make me a bad person to risk the best relationship I've ever had with the best friend I've ever had? I'm now 9+1 and should be having prenatal apps ect but I'm so confused and don't know what to do!!!

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 17-Sep-13 10:11:05

Obviously you do not even consider getting rid of a wanted child. Your partner sounds quite repulsive.

Damnautocorrect Tue 17-Sep-13 10:14:56

It's clear you don't want to terminate the pregnancy, so you shouldn't be blackmailed into that.
I notice its only his feelings that are being discussed. How does he think you'd feel after? Does he not think you'd be miserable, doing something you clearly don't want?
So you go along with what he wants, how do you think your relationship would stand the resentment?

Writerwannabe83 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:15:44

He sounds like an absolute b*stard!!!!!

Leave him, leave him, leave him!!!

If his behaviour towards you is the best you think you deserve then you must have serious self esteem problems.

What a horrid person he is!!

You clearly want your baby and this baby is a million times more important than your 'best friend' and his thoughts so tell him to f*ck off.

You and the baby deserve SO much more x x x

noblegiraffe Tue 17-Sep-13 10:16:26

Get rid of the boyfriend, not the baby.

curlew Tue 17-Sep-13 10:16:41

Her old are you, Jasss?

SeriousStuff Tue 17-Sep-13 10:20:15

If you get rid of this wanted baby, you will end up resenting your boyfriend sooner or later. So the risk here is you lose your baby and your relationship. If he's not on board after saying he was (it's not as if this wasn't planned!) you need to get out.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way - so glad to hear you hadn't miscarried.

MissGarth Tue 17-Sep-13 10:20:55

Dear Jasss,

You need support, and quickly.

Is there someone you trust who you can confide in real life?

The reason I ask is that you are in an extremely abusive relationship.

He is a cruel, vicious bully to plan an pregnancy with you and then punish you for it and emotionally blackmail you like this.

You say that this is "the best relationship I've ever had with the best friend I've ever had", and unfortunately this may be your experience, but it is NOT a good or loving or kind relationship in any way, and you deserve these things.

I suggest that you ask MNHQ to move your post to 'relationships' as you will get a lot of help there from very wise women who understand about emotionally abusive relationships and will know better how to help you.

You can do this by clicking on the word report in the light blue banner above your original message and asking them to move it.

This is not the best relationship and this guy is not your best friend. Good relationships do not involve emotional blackmail and bullying. Best friends are supportive of you and wouldn't dream of forcing you into something you clearly do not want.

Your P chose to start TTC, now you have conceived a child together he's changed his mind? What did he think TTC meant if not a pregnancy? Either he is extremely stupid or he has used your body as some sort of experiment to see if he is ready. Now he's trying to control how you feel about the result. Disgusting.

Think very carefully about continuing a relationship with this man, even if you bend to his will this time there will be more manipulation and control, I'd bet my house on it.

StupidMistakes Tue 17-Sep-13 10:28:23

Keep the baby. It was planned. You both wanted it so he should have been happy about it. I'm glad your baby is ok. Do not have a termination because someone pressures you to, you would regret it forever.

Smartiepants79 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:29:28

Do you truly believe your relationship could withstand he emotional fallout from a forced termination.
I doubt you would ever forgive him.
He sounds like bad news but to give him some tiny bit of wriggle room is there a chance he is panicking? Does he realise the long term consequences of what he is asking?
Seek some professional advice. Go to your antenatal appointments, speak to the midwife maybe if you feel you could trust her.

tracyrobo Tue 17-Sep-13 10:33:04

I have been in bad relationships indeed in a bad marriage where I thought it was probably the best I was going to get but I was so wrong. I am now with a loving caring supportive man who truly is my best friend and we are having a baby that we will both love.

Please believe me you can do soooooo much better than this selfish, immature, self centered man who is NOT your best friend.

Get help, get support, see a counsellor but GET OUT of that relationship and get out now. You and your baby deserve so much more.

Good luck with your pregnancy, it truly is a gift.

Lj8893 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:33:19

I know people who have had a termination for all the right reasons, and although they know it was for the best and the pregnancy wasent planned etc, it still took its emotional toll on them.

I can't begin to imagine how someone would feel having a termination of a dearly wanted child which your baby clearly is to you.

For your sake, don't have a termination. If it means you lose your relationship then so be it. He sounds like a horrible manipulative bully anyway.

Be strong girl, hold your head up high and do what you want to do.

Mon26 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:37:47

Dear Jass123, I am sorry to also say that you are in an abusive relationship. You have wanted this baby, and it will never be easy to terminate it, because it will live with you forever.

However, as someone has already said it, i don't see much future for this relationship. This person does not love you, does not understand what it is to share, to respect, to listen, to give and to provide love to you. You have probably suspected it all the way until now, otherwise you would not have described the situation as you have done. To me it comes down to: 1. Carry on the pregnancy and leave him, and be happier although perhaps struggling at the beginning, but i am sure your family/friends would help you . 2. Carry on the pregnancy whilst with him, end up most likely in an abusive household and end up splitting after years of damage to each other and the baby 3. Terminate it and go back to he abusive relationship which will end up damaging you and delaying your enjoyment of life and growing as a person and adult to enjoy life. 4. Terminate it and leave him anyhow, and start a new bright beautiful live with determination and leaving behind all the Jass123 that he has been damaging.

I have had 5 miscarriages, I wish, hope that you can hold to this one and be happy. Life is very funny sometimes!

Good luck, and breathe, don't let his pressure to be the decision you will take. Take your time. And don't use neither the pregnancy to get him closer, people don't change, normally. Take your time, breathe and listen to your heart not to what he wants. Make a list of different possible future scenarios that could happen with each possible decision, and your mind will encompass the right direction to find a solution. Take it smoothly. Love yourself darling. Love yourself more than anything else these days. (Basically, more than what you love him. That person's behavior seems selfish, abusive, impositive, threatening and definitively not loving you. So love yourself)

Mon26 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:41:28

i totally support what Lj8893 has said. i wish I wasn't so objective sometimes. Clearly, if you can allow me to be subjective now: dont have a termination of a wanted baby. i know also two girls that had an abortion when they were 24 years old, and now they are still regretting (13 years later). They thought it was too early, their relationship was too young,.. and now one of them are still together and regretting that baby that they let go... You have a future ahead of you, and it is beautiful. And it does not look there is room for your "boyfriend" in it.

honey86 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:00:07

it sounds to me like he has done this whole ttc thing to feel in control of you and your body. to control your fertility. to make you pregnant then unpregnant.

that rings alarm bells to me. it should to you too. unstick him from his perch , end the relationship and enjoy your pregnancy. if not, your forced abortion will likely destroy your relationship anyway.

Iwaswatchingthat Tue 17-Sep-13 11:02:20

Your partner sounds abusive.

Do not let him bully you into a decision you obviously do not want to make.

Seek some real life help and support ASAP.

Makqueen2 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:03:18

he hits the roof saying he thought it would take longer than this and he's just not ready telling me to get rid of it otherwise he'll be 'miserable for the rest of his life and it'll be All my fault

And this is why you need to leave him.

Dear God, what an awful, immature man.

If you terminate this pregnancy, you will end up hating him.

I am so sorry you are in this position. But please, think very hard about terminating a pregnancy for this man.

MadBusLady Tue 17-Sep-13 11:06:00

Dump the boyfriend.

Then decide whether you want the baby on your own.

But he has to go. This is not a good relationship and he is not a good man.

HotCrossPun Tue 17-Sep-13 11:15:37

He sounds uncaring, cruel and unbelievably selfish.

YOU choose what to do with YOUR body. Do not let him bully into doing something you clearly don't want to do.

It may be the best relationship you ever had, but all that says to me is that you have had a lot of shit relationships.

What age are you and what age is your DP?

lunar1 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:23:39

Your relationship can't recover now unless he changes his mind pretty quickly about the baby.

If you let him bully you into a termination you will split up anyway.

Mon26 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:26:36

Jass123, how are you doing? It is probably hard to process all our comments, but they are from our hearts and sincere, and straight forward. it might not be what you want to hear to sooth your pain, but in the deep of your heart you know that if you were writting here today is because you also feel you are being abused and treated unfairly by him. And you wrote looking for our mirrors to tell you the truth, and the truth is the same that you suspected: he isn't worth it. Process them, take your time, but don't let yourself into this situation any longer. Take a small bag with the most important and leave him. There are infinite places where you can go. At least do it for yourself to be able to think about it. Give yourself some room instead of falling into his trap of confusion and domination. At least take some days away. Do let us know how are you doing. Good luck, and lots of strength. You will be fine, you will see!

You have done nothing wrong, and you are doing nothing wrong.

He agreed to try for a baby, the consequences of which are pregnancy and, of course, a baby!

If he thought it would take much longer than 4 months to conceive then this is his problem. The baby was planned and is clearly very wanted (by you) so there are absolutely no grounds for you to consider a termination, unless you actually want one.

Do not for one second consider putting the whims of this idiotic man before the life of your much-wanted baby.

Cocolikeschocolate Tue 17-Sep-13 11:46:49

Dear Jasss,

This very same thing recently happened to my sister - she took the wise decision of spending some time alone with a girlfriend that only had HER best interests at heart and this time allowed her to react honestly to her pregnancy expressing the way that she really felt out it without fear or guilt. She concluded that she was utterly delighted and the love that she and this baby will share will be forever and that there is no such guarantee with any boyfriend/husband. Like you she put off making the decision overtly to her BF but internally knew she would not terminate - if they could not get over this obstacle how could they face any real horror show scenarios that a long life together would throw at them. These occasions are the making of men or the unmasking of them. Know how you feel, what you want and how you see your life together knowing that he made you give up your unborn child together - is it something that you will be able to look past ... what im trying to say is - will the relationship end after this anyways as I cannot imagine it being easy to it ever being the same again. In the end my sister stood her ground, didn't speak about the pregnancy much or try to persuade him, she let him alone to let the dust and the idea of imminent fatherhood settle - they are now 29 weeks pregnant and he is now very much on board.

Best of luck with this - I hope that your heart and mind stay in tandem over this and that your mutual respect for each other will see you through the other side..... and as trite as it might sounds ....every time you have sex we all know what the risks are .... this is a gamble and we need to be ready to put our money where our mouth is when unexpected surprises happen.

Much love and luck

Coco xx

Mamabear12 Tue 17-Sep-13 12:31:22

Dump him. Your partner sounds like a SELFISH loser! Sorry to be so blunt.

Mamabear12 Tue 17-Sep-13 12:31:39

Oh and keep the baby smile

Do not have a termination you'll regret it leave him now and enjoy life as a single parent - it's not as bad as you might think grin

TheContrastofWhiteonWhite Tue 17-Sep-13 12:46:30

The only reason for a woman to terminate a pregnancy is because she concludes it is the right decision in the circumstances. There can be any number of reasons why people decide to terminate - but being pressured into it when you don't feel it is the right decision should not be one of them.

You are in an abusive relationship. He isn't your best friend - would you treat your best friend this way? Please, please find someone in real life who can support you.

crazykat Tue 17-Sep-13 12:47:56

Please don't have a termination if you want to have this baby. If you do you will most likely end up resenting our partner and lose him anyway.

You deserve so much better than him, he agreed to TTC and now he's telling you to terminate the pregnancy. Sweetheart you are worth so much more than that.

Any partner who truly cares for you and deserves you would stand by you even if the baby hadn't been planned. They wouldn't deliberately make a baby then say get rid.

If you want this baby, have it and get rid of him. It will be hard but you will regret terminating this baby that you want far more than losing the idiot you conceived it with.

Please don't let him bully you into this.

frogwatcher42 Tue 17-Sep-13 13:01:57

Jasss -Your boyfriend must know that a baby can be conceived at first try! You could have been pregnant after one month! It took you 6 months which must be quite average I would think and certainly not instant enough for your boyfriend to announce that he thought it would take longer.

Fact is that he is being a git. And very immature (how old is he?). If this is the best you have in a relationship you need to get some support. Find some real life support even if it is the doctor surgery.

Do not terminate a wanted pregnancy - even if you have any doubt and you go ahead with termination, you may find it affects the rest of your life. Once done it cannot be undone. Termination is fine if you are sure it is what you want.

You must be-able to see that if this is how your partner is then life would be better without him. There are many very happy single mums out there.

Carole803 Tue 17-Sep-13 13:30:32

Keep the baby, drop the gutless bully.

TalkativeJim Tue 17-Sep-13 13:33:49

Best relationship youv'e ever had?

Not any more.

Get rid and be happy.

He's a pig. Be thankful you've seen his true colours now.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Tue 17-Sep-13 13:45:56

Jass, please dump this vile bullying excuse for a human being. Also suggest you post on the Relationships board as the wise women there will be able to support you.

Thumbwitch Tue 17-Sep-13 13:50:48

If this is the best relationship you have ever had then you really must have been out with some awful losers! This one isn't any better.

If his response to you carrying his child is that you should "get rid of it" then frankly, his arse is the one that should be shown the door.

Can't bear "men" like this.

Do what you want to do. Don't make a decision based on anyone else. This baby would be your responsibility if you decide to have it. If you decide not to have him/her, then you have to live with that decision as well so decide only for yourself, no one else. There is no right or wrong decision, just that you have to live with the consequences either way. So do what is best for you, no one else.

Yonihadtoask Tue 17-Sep-13 14:30:04

Lots of excellent advice OP.

I can only agree with all the previous posters.

This man does not have your best interests at heart.

FastWindow Tue 17-Sep-13 14:49:44

He is NOT your best friend.

Would you treat any friend of yours like this?!!

you need to leave this man! there is a lot of support for single mums with your background and you and your baby will be better off without him!

How dare he say 'i thought we had more time' when he knew you were both TTC!!

Please please please do not bow down to him and get rid of your little one. Your baby is more important than any man. If thats what you want to call him.

Just imagine this scenario.
You terminate your pregnancy, stay with him for another year and then you break up. How would you feel knowing that you got rid of a baby for this man who treats you like crap?

sorry if this is a bit shouty, i just really hope you see sense!

I wish you all the best xoxo

Sarahmains40 Tue 17-Sep-13 21:24:46

If you got rid of your baby because of him the relationship would be already over. You would just end up resenting him. You clearly want the baby maybe its him you should think about getting rid of. Don't let him push you around in to something you would regret.

You deserve so much more respect than this. I really hope you work out what you want and I'm sorry your going through this.

Just remind your boyfriend that you'll be the one carrying the baby for 9 months having massive changes to your body.

Hope your ok sad xx

HopeS01 Wed 18-Sep-13 08:38:29

I'm so sorry for you, OP. Please, please (if you want to, which it sounds like you do) keep your baby. You will never regret that decision, but you will certainly regret the alternative

Stay strong

mirry2 Wed 18-Sep-13 08:40:35

If you want to keep the baby, don't have a termination. You'll regret it for the rest of your life.

babycakemumma Wed 18-Sep-13 12:44:19

Leave him and make a life for you and your baby.

You'll regret a termination.

BlackberryandNettle Wed 18-Sep-13 13:30:53

Hi Jasss, just to reiterate what others have said, his behaviour is controlling, selfish and abusive. Easier said than done but I think you should leave him, then decide for yourself whether you want to keep the baby.

BlackberryandNettle Wed 18-Sep-13 13:35:20

Quite honestly getting out of the so called relationship would be my first priority, you need to put yourself first, before him and the baby.

MadBusLady Wed 18-Sep-13 13:37:06

Looks like the OP isn't coming back.

CoffeeGuzzler Wed 18-Sep-13 13:40:43

Oh dear!!! I really really hope that Jasss is reading all these messages and that she has a support network in real life.

I agree buslady . Hopefully shes read back some replies

BlackberryandNettle Wed 18-Sep-13 13:52:45

Quite honestly getting out of the so called relationship would be my first priority, you need to put yourself first, before him and the baby. This is your baby and I'm not suggesting you shouldn't keep it if that is what you want, but at the risk of sounding very harsh being mother to this man's child at all would leave you open to all sorts of manipulation from him in the future (things like refusing to pay child support, objecting to you seeing other men, possible battles over access/custody, making then breaking arrangements). Sorry to sound so negative but he does sound like the kind of guy who might do things like this.... Not a reason to terminate your child but something to think very carefully about.

katebakes Wed 18-Sep-13 15:04:12

He's a vile person.

My husband was 22 and in the middle of his dissertation when we found out I was pregnant and he has been nothing but loving and supportive.

This is a much wanted baby and you shouldn't even consider having a termination if you don't want to. You'll regret it forever if you do it for him and quite frankly, he's not worth it.

I am so sad and angry for you. Please rid yourself of this pathetic waste of space.

lolablu Wed 18-Sep-13 17:28:07


i know what its like. Iv skimmed all these messages and they say the same thing over and over again. That your boyfriend is abusive etc etc.

I know what I thought when I read that from my friends, and strangers, that they dont know what they are talking about.

it took a lot of years of acceptance to realise what it was for myself. to take action for myself.

please, take this as a wake up call, make this question every action, every niggle yyou have had.

i truely hope you are able to become strong through this and if not accept that your bf is abusive, that at least in this situation he is wrong and something needs to happen to change the situation. you have another life to think about now...

i hope you will find your way through. it is a difficult situation.

Frecklesandspecs Wed 18-Sep-13 18:26:23

Hi hun. I'm married and pregnant with third. I went through all this at the beginning of this pregnancy. Dh didn't want it and wanted me to terminate. I couldn't and here I am 34 weeks and we are all excited waiting for the baby to arrive.
He was scared but about half way through he got over himself. Stick to your guns and he should stick by you. Just give it time. I know its upsetting but you cannot go through with a termination on his behalf. That would destroy anything you have anyway. X

Frecklesandspecs Wed 18-Sep-13 18:28:24

Ps my Dh didn't come to my first scan either. He came to second though and I think it was then it sank in for him. Plus found out its a boy after 2 girls:-)

TeaAndANatter Wed 18-Sep-13 19:55:05

Hi Jass,

I hope this finds you feeling less confused than when you posted. I would recommend that (if you feel you want to), you contact your local Women's Aid service for a chat and a cup of tea. They can meet you in a cafe, or at their office, or at your home, and they won't tell you to leave or make you feel like you have to do anything that you're not ready for.

Lots of women think that Women's Aid is for when they are being hit, or want to leave the relationship. That's not true. It's for women who are ready to leave, women who want to stay, and for women who are so confused by what their partner is doing to them that they just don't know what's for the best any more. It's for when women are hit, and when women are terrorised in different, more hidden and confusing ways, like maybe is happening to you.

I hope that you find the support you need, and that your future gets better for you, and for your son or daughter if you feel able to keep him or her. I always liked that silly phrase about women being like teabags - it's only when we're in hot water that we find out how strong we are. It feels true to me. We are absolute warriors. We live in a culture of pornography, and rape, and inequalities, and male created war, and we survive by the strength of our sisters (hope that doesn't feel too 'out there' for you to access right now).

Sending you very best wishes, sister x

Pantomime Wed 18-Sep-13 22:26:41

I was going to post maybe considering that he could be having a massive panic about the sudden reality of being a father and so on and so on but I honestly don't feel I can in anyway justify the actions of this person.

Please look after yourself, maybe go and stay with some friends or family for a few days. If you want this baby then he should not be allowed to force you to do anything. Get some support asap.

gillybeandramaqueen Thu 19-Sep-13 09:57:56

He's NOT the best friend you've ever had!!!!!! A best friend would never treat you like this in such an unfeeling, cruel and callous way. He sounds like a controlling, manipulative, selfish wanker. He contributed significantly to your current pregnant state. Your relationship will never work if you get rid of this wanted baby at his say so... you will end up hating him forever and suffering very much.

Vicki070712 Thu 19-Sep-13 11:28:34

I was in a very similar situation as you was in what I thought was a very secure loving relationship thought I had found the one, discussed marriage, kids etc then I fell pregnant by accident that's when it all changed, he went nuts was throwing glasses, plates etc. I knew myself I really wanted this baby, he on the other hand did not wanted me to have a termination even offered to pay for it privately!, that was the end of us the pregnancy was hard on my own but had great support from my parents, sister & best friend my perfect baby boy was born a month early & I can honestly say I've never felt so much love for someone in my life hard to believe considering what I feel for his so called father. 6 years on I'm happily married to a wonderful guy that I know realise is the one & I have another beautiful son & I wouldn't change a thing that has happened it's made me a better person. I'm not going to lie being a single parent is really hard but seeing him smile & laugh for the 1st time, talk his 1st steps his 1st word, 1st day at school it filled my heart with so much pride knowing that I've shaped him into the wonderful, handsome, caring, loving little boy that he is today it gives me such satisfaction.
If you really want this baby which I think you do, then don't let anybody tell you that you can't it is you that will have to live with any regrets and what ifs, also I feel that if you do decide not to carry on with the pregnancy you may end up resenting him & loosing him anyway.
Good luck x

Naomilouise1992 Thu 19-Sep-13 12:12:46

I had an abortion when my partner decided after trying for a year he didn't want it, found out after he was having an affair? DO NOT do it if its not hat u want! Nearly 3 years on and I still have the scan photo of that baby and there's not a day hat oes by where I regret it! I am now 20 weeks pregnant (wasn't ment to be) it was an accident an I hve been with this partner for a year, he wanted me toget rid of this one at the beginning but told him to come to the 12 week scan with me then we wud decide, (I wasn't ever gunna get rid) but he came round and now we can't wait!!! U can do this alone if u need to, worst case is u will split up! but you might not talk for few months then once he's had time to get his head round it eat back together! but if he's any decent man there's no chance he will not be apart of his babies life! And if he doesn't then ur better off without xx

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