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Bloody sick of rudeness about size!

(59 Posts)
Hyperhelpmum Thu 12-Sep-13 18:34:22

Two women I work with (both unhealthily thin verging on skeletal) comment on my bump every time they see me. Stare, comment etc. driving me bloody mad. Latest was 'oh my god you are HUGE ' to which I said in psycho quiet voice 'did. You. Just. Call. Me. Huge. ? ' Next woman said ' gosh you've grown ' to which I responded. 'What since Tuesday?' SO fed up particularly as I am not that big and am a size 8/10 and have put on under a stone at 30+ weeks. Can I tell them to F off or will I get the sack/ sectioned for bring mental?

Chosenbyyou Thu 12-Sep-13 18:41:16

Maybe you could say to them when you first see them 'oh my god your looking huge' and when they stare with the open mouthed shocked look you can say....'oh sorry, thought that was our usual greeting' smile genuinely and walk off lol xxx'

MummyJetsetter Thu 12-Sep-13 18:46:03

How infuriating! I bet you could get away with the bad language, people will believe you're a hormonal mess so you won't get the sack! x

SignoraStronza Thu 12-Sep-13 18:51:34

How about responding with "Oh my god, you look emaciated/skeletal! "

Calmly and quietly say "I really don't appreciate all these comments about my shape and size. It's incredibly rude. Please stop."

If they get the huff and say they're only kidding or just making conversation, repeat "I really don't appreciate it. Please stop" or "Can we please find something else to think about".

I'm pretty sure making repeated unwelcome remarks about someone's pregnancy could fall under equality or discrimination legislation so you really don't have to put up with it.

Sympathy. It's infuriating!

Hyperhelpmum Thu 12-Sep-13 20:36:03

Thanks. Loving the 'you look so thin/ have you list more weight?' ideas! I may just say next time 'you're making me feel really self conscious. Im going to keep getting bigger until i go on matrrnity leave im aftaid, thats what hapoens!' the one who said 'you've grown' always follows up with ' but you're so neat and won't have any weight to loose' like that makes it ok. She just stares at my bump. So odd. She has a child and is in her 50's so can't be that surprised by a pregnant shape!

Sarahmains40 Fri 13-Sep-13 09:22:20

I'm 9 weeks and I'm a size 14 to 16 so god help me when I'm heavily pregnant. There probs just jealous of you. You know you think women would be supportive of other women but no there is some really nasty spiteful ones who let the side down. Just say I'd rather look healthy and huge than sickly thin . Vile people!!!! one of the girls I work with had just got bk off her maternity and I remember when she was pregnanat and from about 10 weeks she couldn't hide it but I would never of turned round and said omg you look huge. In fact she looked amazing and I was in aw at her. Just ignore those silly witches... :D

scubastevie Fri 13-Sep-13 09:28:11

Got this all the time too. Sooo annoying and rude. Funny thing was some pple say you're huge others say you're tiny. I think I dont comment on your weight, pls dont comment about mine! I hated it though as didnt like not feeling in control of my body :-s
Work in large dept too, so got the whole 'when r u due, is it a boy/girl, how long u got left etc etc etc about 20 times a day. I know they meant well but i just want to get on with my work arrgh.

Hyperhelpmum Fri 13-Sep-13 09:41:59

I know it's beyond annoying and I'm feeling quite hormonal this week so it's actually upsetting me, god knows why! I was thinking about it and will say 'what do you expect?' nr t time anyone comments. It's as DH said , there are pregnant women everywhere, what's the big deal?! Maybe not so many pregnant women in workplaces but around and about they are everywhere! It's a natural process and the woman will change shape! It's pretty odd behaviour if you ask me. I can understand a friend or relative who hasn't seen you in weeks saying something (tactful!) but a colleague commenting every other day?!!!! Weirdo!!!

blondebaby111 Fri 13-Sep-13 18:43:25

i get the 'my god your huge' comment all the time and i hate it. i also get 'your not very big are you, wheres your bump' which is just as annoying as then you panick and think well should i be bigger. i wish people would just say 'you look good/well@ its so much nicer to hear that xx

EeyoreIsh Fri 13-Sep-13 19:23:56

I'm getting the opposite of 'you don't have a bump' and 'your bump isn't there' or 'your bump just looks like tummy'. I'm worrying about the size of my bump enough without people telling me that.

Why do people feel the need to comment at all, ffs. I much prefer to be told I'm looking well, or they like my dress. Why do normal compliments disappear to be focused entirely on the bump?!

vix206 Fri 13-Sep-13 19:39:24

I'm getting it from everyone. Even total strangers. When I say I'm 21 weeks they look horrified because I'm so huge, apparently. I'm also an 8/10 and this is my 2nd baby. It sickens me how people (even heavily overweight men) think its ok to say how huge I am just because I'm pregnant. confused

Quodlibet Fri 13-Sep-13 19:43:11

Agree it's just as annoying being told 'oh you're tiny, you don't look 6 months pregnant'. Errr, are you a midwife? No? Then shhhhh.

LittleBearPad Fri 13-Sep-13 19:44:02

It's so fucking irritating having everyone comment on the size of your bump and bloody rude. Within hours I would be told I was huge, small, showing not showing.

Particular low point was a massage therapist asking me if I was having twins as I was so big. I was 28 weeks and had put on 7 lbs admittedly not the slimmest pre-pregnancy but not what you want to hear when you're meant to be relaxing.

"What a lovely bump".

Not tricky, is it?

SomethingOnce Fri 13-Sep-13 22:12:46

I bet you'll end up saying the same sorts of things yourselves in due course. It's part of the deal smile

Hyperhelpmum Sat 14-Sep-13 08:36:16

I can assure you I will NEVER say 'god you are hige' to someone! Had me first baby 5 years ago and not before or since have I said this! It's bloody rude!

LittleBearPad Sat 14-Sep-13 08:39:06

I won't be commenting. Having had a friend who had IUGR (with massive complications) and then worrying myself over whether my bump was too small because of this (and then too big - thanks pregnancy massage woman) I know it can actually be pretty stressful having people comment.

vix206 Sat 14-Sep-13 08:42:33

I can assure you I'd never comment. I wouldn't have before being pregnant for the first time in 2009, and I won't now. When you say it's part if the deal that implies people are doing it to be purposely facetious, which I find depressing hmm

Hyperhelpmum Sat 14-Sep-13 08:44:13

'huge' I mean!

mrspaddy Sat 14-Sep-13 08:51:31

It is wrong.. I can't understand how people are so professional and yet when it comes to bumps.. So. So rude.

The only appropriate thing to say is you look well, hope you are taking care or yourself, if you need anything.. Etc

If someone has acne or facial hair or whatever, we don't comment.

I made a complaint at work... It got to me too much.

Xenadog Sat 14-Sep-13 08:57:34

Either go down the route of: "I'm sorry are you commenting on my body shape again? Why on earth would you do that? It is just so rude! Clearly you have no manners and I am sure you would not appreciate me talking about your bad skin, shocking dress sense or any of the other things which make you feel bad about your own appearance would you?" Or just tell them eff right off and not comment again as it making you want to do physical harm!

MunchkinJess Sat 14-Sep-13 09:20:18

ive had so many comments at work...are you having twins? !? no? ? oh must be a big baby then!, is your partner tall?? Would explain the big bump?? , gosh are you STILL pregnant? , hello fatso ?, you mean ita going to get bigger? !?! All the above from people at work and worse.

and no it is not part of the course and I have never ever commented on how big or small someone is during pregnancy. its insensitive and down right rude! no excuse for it.

MunchkinJess Sat 14-Sep-13 09:20:18

ive had so many comments at work...are you having twins? !? no? ? oh must be a big baby then!, is your partner tall?? Would explain the big bump?? , gosh are you STILL pregnant? , hello fatso ?, you mean ita going to get bigger? !?! All the above from people at work and worse.

and no it is not part of the course and I have never ever commented on how big or small someone is during pregnancy. its insensitive and down right rude! no excuse for it.

TarkaTheOtter Sat 14-Sep-13 09:57:48

It really doesn't bother me, it's just pregnancy small talk.

Hyperhelpmum Sat 14-Sep-13 10:01:44

Lucky you 'tarka' I hate it. Perhaps you enjoy the attention? Personally I'd rather get on with my work and not discuss my body shape! 'munchkin' hello Fatso is complaint worthy. That's just bullying!

Champagnebubble Sat 14-Sep-13 10:17:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xenadog Sat 14-Sep-13 10:24:13

I keep getting called a "Wide load" by someone at work - when I finally replied with "Bugger off or I'll start on you!" she said she was only joking and it was meant affectionately. We had a bit of banter and that was it. No one else has commented on my size and TBH the person who did comment really didn't mean to be horrid and so it's all been OK for me.

People do keep asking if they can touch the bump too and are very complimentary (why?) and I don't mind as they ask.

I think it depends on the individual and how often you are getting comments. All I can say ladies, is try not to take comments too much to heart as often it's people not knowing what to say.

Maybe we could commission a company to make a T-shirt which says "Pregnant, hormonal woman alert. Do NOT comment on the size of her or her bump!"

josiejay Sat 14-Sep-13 10:29:38

I was measuring small for dates right through my pregnancy but regularly got told I was HUGE and asked was I sure it wasn't twins, told ouch that's going to hurt etc. baby was a perfectly average 7lbs thank you very much and I lost all the baby weight fairly quickly so clearly I wasn't that huge!

I think if you're small framed and/or short it can make your bump appear bigger on comparison to the rest of your body. However there is no excuse for rude comments. And so often from women who've been through it themselves and ought to know better.

SomethingOnce Sat 14-Sep-13 11:27:21

When you say it's part if the deal that implies people are doing it to be purposely facetious, which I find depressing

I meant what Tarka said: it's pregnancy small talk. I'm not one for small talk but it's just what people do.

Pregnant women are very sensitive (honestly, I do get it - small bump remarks made me worried that DD had problems) but people don't mean anything horrible by it so you either let it drift past you or spend months in a state of perpetual annoyance and anxiety.

You can never know what small talk of your own - pregnancy-related or not - pisses off other people because 99 times out of 100 they won't tell you. You can be fairly certain you're not universally not irritating though.

Romily Sat 14-Sep-13 12:38:28

I smile every time someone comments on my bump, to me my friends family and colleagues are showing an interest.

mirry2 Sat 14-Sep-13 12:42:06

ffs does it really matter? some women would love to be pregnant and for it to notice. Count your blessings that you're expecting a baby and not obese

xfilefan Sat 14-Sep-13 12:42:13

Im 35 weeks, and I dont mind being called Huge- I am Huge smile

vix206 Sat 14-Sep-13 12:48:05

The people that don't get it have obviously never been on the receiving end of the kind of rudeness I'm annoyed about. I'm not annoyed by well meaning people making comments, it's the turned up nose/horrified expressions/piss taking that I object to.

honeybunny14 Sat 14-Sep-13 12:48:14

I can really relate to this ppl used to come up to me in the street and gasp looked shocked the most popular one was are u sure ur not having twins one person actualy said r u having a baby elephand like wtf !!! Used to make me so angry bt im bk 2 my normal size now i think some ppl just dont realise how sensitive pregnant women are

vix206 Sat 14-Sep-13 12:57:38

Ps thanks Something for clarifying. Definitely not talking about harmless small talk though. That's absolutely fine, I'm objecting to something different.

Fetacat Sat 14-Sep-13 12:59:50

A lady at work told me I was waddling. It took every inch of professionalism in me to not tell her to F off. She really deserved it! The grey haired old hag.

EeyoreIsh Sat 14-Sep-13 13:39:48

Yes, harmless small talk is fine!

SomethingOnce Sat 14-Sep-13 13:52:51

Feta, that unpleasant ageist language doesn't reflect well on you, tbh.

SomethingOnce Sat 14-Sep-13 13:57:18

The point I am making about small talk is that one person will receive an innocuous comment as exactly that, and another will be mortally offended - there's no way of predicting it.

I've met people who are way oversensitive and the things that set them off are completely baffling to impartial observers.

ThePuffyShirt Sat 14-Sep-13 14:04:59

I make a point of saying only nice things to pregnant women. I remember being really sensitive when pg - some people are thoughtless.

Hyperhelpmum Sat 14-Sep-13 14:17:48

Those who don't care and think we are over reacting bogoff my big fat thread! It is for women who do mind and we don't care if you don't, again, lucky you. We do care and will therefore discuss it on here! Many thanks OP!

mirry2 Sat 14-Sep-13 14:23:46

OP I thought an exchange of views was allowed on mumsnet?hmm

SomethingOnce Sat 14-Sep-13 14:25:32

Can I tell them to F off or will I get the sack/ sectioned for bring mental?

You asked. People responded.

LeaningTowerOfGaffney Sat 14-Sep-13 15:10:32

"The point I am making about small talk is that one person will receive an innocuous comment as exactly that, and another will be mortally offended - there's no way of predicting it."

So 'hey fatso' is just innocuous small talk? I agree with the OP. Can't we get on with our daily lives without someone commenting on our body shape? A male friend of a friend commented on how big my boobs were the other day. Wasn't appropriate before I was pregnant, not sure why it is now.

Hyperhelpmum Sat 14-Sep-13 16:13:57

mirry was tongue in cheek saying bog off! Everyone entitled to their view/ has their own experience to bring. We are a thread of moaners I'm afraid! (With just cause may I add! ) ;)

SweetieTime Sat 14-Sep-13 16:26:14

Even my own DM has started to comment on how "fat" I am. I am growing twins FFS, it is not fat it is 2 little people. It annoys me at work where people feel they have to say anything at all. I wouldn't comment on the size of a male colleagues beer belly so why is it ok for them to comment on the size of my bump?

I think I am very sensitive to the comments as I have never been pregnant before and although prepared for my body to change have been quite surprised by the amount of change in such a relatively short time. It is a hugely emotional time, especially if the pregnancy didn't happen easily as in my case, and I am not sure others really get that.

OP I would try not to be rude to your colleagues but if it is upsetting you try talking them and telling them how it makes you feel especially if you have a long way to go and seeing them regularly.

mirry2 Sat 14-Sep-13 17:02:06

hyperhelp - sorry I had a humour bypass grin

CruCru Sat 14-Sep-13 19:58:49

I am 36+4. I now have van drivers making comments. On Thursday an ambulance driver shouted something at me out his window (I was walking out of the maternity wing) <cries>

vix206 Sun 15-Sep-13 07:33:15

Went out with friends last night who I haven't seen for 3 months. All of them were so lovely about my bump, really highlighted for me that there are a lot of nice things you can say with just a little forethought grin

middleclassdystopia Sun 15-Sep-13 15:31:29

In my opinion this is all part of the body image obsessed, sexist and infantalising attitude to women.

The so called desirable and acceptable shape is slim everywhere with a nice neat bump. But not too small that you don't seem motherly. A 'big' bump is flaunting and threatening to some.

It really angers me and those who are dismissing response as over sensitive are way off the mark.

Babies are different sizes, fluid volume varies, women are different heights and builds. Yet here is another way to control women by creating a monotype.

I wouldn't hesitate to respond. Unless it is genuine comment about baby growing, which should make someone glad not shocked or rude.

Trust your instinct

Hyperhelpmum Mon 16-Sep-13 14:46:49

Do you know middleclass I think you are spot on. It wasn't as bad when I was pregnant with DS1 over 6 years ago. The whole celebrity pregnancy/ mum image has really taken off since then and now I feel I'm compared to some 'ideal' pregnant shape. Otherwise what died you are huge mean? Compared to what? To who? It's thus idea of slim with a smallish bump. I'm slim but my bump is big. I'm 5ft 4 and have a shirt torso so baby has nowhere to go but outwards! Not much any of us can do about what our bodies do when we carry. With my boys I was really big all over as had to keep eating to not be sick so put on 3 stone each time. This time I was so ill I lost 1.5 stone in first trimester so now I appear 'slim' but pregnant.

Hyperhelpmum Mon 16-Sep-13 14:47:29

Sorry meant what does not died!

comfyonesie2 Mon 16-Sep-13 16:48:19

I agree with middleclassdystopia too and it's very depressing, it's of the bigger picture of it becoming totally "ok" to make women feel bad about themselves and their bodies, and it's bloody not ok!!! Only today the cleaner at work said to me, "my god you're getting big". I politely said, "we'll I am pregnant, it's going to happen..." He laughed and said, "yes but I meant your hips and face and everything are getting huge". I normally get on well with him and we have a laugh, but next time I will be tempted to comment back on his enormous beer belly and disgusting fag breath. Don't know why but it really upset me for some reason today.

LeaningTowerOfGaffney Mon 16-Sep-13 16:55:08

"Don't know why but it really upset me for some reason today."

Because it's so personal, not to mention rude?! That is so out of order. "Look, you're getting fat here, here and here." Even my closest friend or DH would've been told off for that comment.

I think middleclass's comment is bang on the money, too.

comfyonesie2 Mon 16-Sep-13 17:31:39

Leaningtower, you're right, that is why I was upset & it was completely justified. Normally I'm thicker skinned, but I shouldnt have to be, he's the twat not me!

katebakes Mon 16-Sep-13 17:55:21

I am tiny, I have a tiny, tiny body and a pronounced bump. EVERYONE says 'oh you're tiny, so cute, your bump is so neat.' It's cute, I like it. Everyone but my MOTHER IN LAW who points out how large I am getting. Or if we're speaking to her over Skype, as she lives in a different time zone, and it's usually really late here, comments on how tired I look and how I'm really starting to wear maternity clothes when I said I didn't need them. THEY ARE MY PYJAMAS YOU IDIOT.

Make a complaint or tell them to f* off and be thankful you're not related!

My DM last week

"Gosh that bump gets bigger every time I see you!"

Me "Well I am growing a baby so it should!"

Grrrrrr! I'm just glad I've finished work, as I work in retail and was getting a bit fed up of making small talk with customers about my belly, some said I looked big some said small, a few nice ones just said I looked really well! Now it's only the other parents on the school run to have the same conversations with! (I'll try and remember the unwanted attention when baby is here and no one cares about me wink)

Hyperhelpmum Mon 16-Sep-13 20:02:46

OMG onesie that is totally out of order and SO rude. I would have cried. It's just nasty. What an a hole. I am told by 95% of people how 'neat' I am. Not sure who to believe but dreading work tomorrow and must remember to wear something non fitting as that's the worst. They always comment if I'm in a fitted top. Another colleague remaked maybe I should wear looser tops ie not maternity stretchy ones. I feel why should I dress for them? It's always work appropriate and not revealing. Can't hide my bump even if I want to but no massive cleavage or flesh showing. God I'm dreading it. Bloody women.

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