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Visitors after the birth.

(71 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 10:08:12

Morning all smile

I'm just after your thoughts please after a mini disagreement me and hubby had last night about how quickly to allow visitors into the hospital after the baby is born. We were chatting away and I said I wouldn't tell anybody for absolute hours as I would hate loads of people to descend on me at once. I said I would like to have some quiet time as a family, enjoy our new addition, have all the lovely skin to skin, establish breast feeding, get to know our baby a little etc etc and not have it instead passed from visitor to visitor.

He was not in agreement and said he would like his parents present at the hospital from as soon as labour starts and for them to come into us as soon as the baby is born. He said it would mean a lot to his parents and it is what they would want too - which it would be.

My facial expression said it all and he said, "We'll you can be the one to tell her she can't be there (the MIL) and I don't want to be with you when you do!"

I told him I had absolutely no problem in telling her that!! grin

I was really shocked by his reaction to my thoughts on how I wanted things to be. Or am I being unreasonable??

AnythingNotEverything Sun 25-Aug-13 10:21:55

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Are his parents local? What's your relationship with them like? What about your parents?

I wouldn't want anyone else at hospital so soon. If you were kept in, then visitors once you've fed baby, showered etc feels more reasonable.

His job during birth and those early weeks is to support you. You're the one recovering, you're the one establishing feeding, I think that within reason, what you want goes!

I suspect you need to sell him your alternative. A few hours peace for your new family sounds lovely to me!

I've refused to allow overnight house guests for the first few weeks. No one will be coming to the hospital unless we have to stay in!

Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 10:32:26

His parents live on the same street as us - 26 doors away smile
I have a very good relationship with them, they are both absolutely lovely and they will adore this baby.

My issue is that my husband's brother (who has a family) lives in Germany and so his parents have never had a real relationship with their other 3 grandchildren. They never saw them as babies, typically not meeting the 'new' babies until they were about 6 or 7 months old. They only see the
grandchildren (aged 8 months, 3 years and 5 years) about once a year and my hubby's mom has always been heartbroken about that as she feels she hasn't had the chance to be a real Grandma. So, my hubby says this is their chance to be involved in the actual birth of a grandchild and he knows it will mean everything to his parents, especially his mom.

I can kind of see his point and I don't want to be the baddie, but I still want some alone time with my new baby when it comes.

My parents won't be too fussed, it isn't going to be their first grandchild and they would be perfectly happy to wait until I was ready until they came to the hospital to see the baby.

We are still very early in the pregnancy and won't be telling his parents about it for a few weeks yet and they are going to be absolutely over the moon!! There will definitely be tears.

Queazy Sun 25-Aug-13 10:33:51

I would have been shocked too - absolutely no way!! You will be exhausted, possibly giving your first feed (whether breast or bottle) and bonding with your baby. I'm sure your MIL will understand and they can be the first ones perhaps to meet later, the next day or when you're ready. Your DH needs to support you on this - I think it's pretty unfair to expect you to tell his mum! xx

GinotPrigio Sun 25-Aug-13 10:35:15

I don't think it will be at all practical for your DH to expect his parents to be able to wait at the hospital while you are in labour. He has no idea how long your labour will be plus many hospitals will not have anywhere for his parents to wait. I gave birth to DD in a London hospital and they had a very strict "birth partners only" policy on the labour ward, both during labour and after the birth. All entrance doors to the labour ward were locked and controlled by midwives/security. It was like Fort Knox!

DD was born at 10am but I was kept on the labour ward until 9pm that night, then moved to the post-natal ward. Vistors were of course allowed on the post-natal ward but by that time visiting hours were over.

So its worth checking out the policy at your local hospital. If its anything like my hospital was your DP's parents can hang around outside the doors of the labour ward for as long as they want but they won't be allowed anywhere near you!

Awakeagain Sun 25-Aug-13 10:38:14

I think it is unreasonable for his parents to be there as soon as the labour starts, it can last a while and seems a little silly
My sons birth was straight forward and as visiting hours would have even finished once we were on the ward they allowed my mum and dh's parents to come and visit us on the delivery suite (I was annoyed at their time of arrival as I hadn't got dressed as hadn't had my bags as it all happened so quickly)
However we were on the post natal ward for ages (as they just weren't fussed for sending me home) so wish I had had a few more visitors then as I was going stir crazy and had put people off coming to visit me

AnythingNotEverything Sun 25-Aug-13 10:39:37

Hang on - if you haven't told them yet, they might have no intention of coming to hospital. This might just be in your husband's head.

Plus, what happened with his brother's kids should have no impact on you.

meditrina Sun 25-Aug-13 10:40:22

Yes, he's BU. labour is not a time for visitors other than the mother's chosen birth attendants.

I would however urge you to reconsider a bit. New GPs are of course keen to see the baby, and as you won't be getting quiet time in a post natal ward (sorry, they're just not like that), it might be worth having them visit there when you have interruptions, noise etc anyhow.

With a first visit under their belt, it might prove easier to fend them off a bit during the first few days at home.

But the key thing here is, before the birth, to keep using a message of 'we don't know how things will go, and what we'll feel up to. Please don't make any definite plans'.

StormyBrid Sun 25-Aug-13 10:41:42

their chance to be involved in the actual birth of a grandchild - this bit jumped out at me. Grandparental involvement in a birth isn't the norm, and it's not something they've a right to experience. Sounds like a conversation with MIL is in order.

TheSecondComing Sun 25-Aug-13 10:42:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunbaker Sun 25-Aug-13 10:46:14

You could of course just not tell them when you go into labour and inform them after the safe arrival of your baby.
We did just that. DD was early so neither of our families had any inkling until OH rang them and told them about DD's arrival.

MadeOfStarDust Sun 25-Aug-13 10:57:39

I agree with Bunbaker - just tell them when birth is over and you feel happy... remember it is only birth partner who can be there usually - others have to wait for visiting times.... Check with the hospital..

Because of timing, we had visitors (my dad SM and PIL ) almost straight after birth - wasn't a problem - midwife told them to be quick and they had to leave after 20 min.... Having that initial experience kept them all away from the door for a couple of days too....... wink

Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:04:42

I would be quite happy to not tell anyone that baby is on the way but I don't think hubby would be smile

Me and hubby think there is a good chance I may need a Planned c-section so his thoughts are that his parents would accompany us to the hospital on the day I'm booked in for, sit in the restaurant whilst I'm having the procedure and then come up to us straight away. Just what I want when I'm recovering and looking like shit from a c-section hmm

I actually don't think my MIL would suggest any of this, I don't think she would see it as her 'right' or anything like that as she isn't the sort to impose herself, but because my husband wants it, and he wants his parents to have that experience, he would probably offer it to her and tell her it is fine. I'm pretty sure that if that level of involvement was offered then his parents would be over the moon to take him up on it!

All I want is something private between me and my husband, with nobody even knowing that the baby is coming (be it via a planned c-section or natural labour) and then a few hours alone with our new baby as a family.

I've got some time to work on my husband but he's a very stubborn man!

Bunbaker Sun 25-Aug-13 11:06:13

Perhaps you could talk to your midwife and she could talk to him and make him see sense.

MortifiedAdams Sun 25-Aug-13 11:10:31

I would NOT have been happy with people outsode in the waiting roo. at hospital, however I was happy to see visitors on the postnatal ward (where there are nice limits.on how.many and how long!).

It meabt people werent chomping at the bit to descend once I got home.

At home, you can just take yourself and dc off to bed for sleeps and feeds and leave dh to man the visitors. Or you could ask if people would mind keeping theor visits short - hour chunks?

Have to say, Im always a little sad at the thoight of grandparents not being welcome to come and visit the newest member of their family.

Florin Sun 25-Aug-13 11:15:22

I wouldn't want anyone at the hospital. We didn't tell anyone I was in labour, luckily I didn't start until midnight and baby born at 6am so was easy to keep quiet. I wouldn't have wanted anyone to come until I was showered dressed and make up on which was about 15 minutes after I was stitched up-made me feel so much better. Then I was desperate to show baby off so invited my parents to the hospital. We were only in for a few hours so mil came next day to see baby although was given a strict arrival and leaving time. When she didn't look keen to leave at stated leaving time dh just said Florin you look like you could do with a nap why don't you take baby upstairs and have a lie down. Once the baby was taken away she soon went. Fil came the day after and my parents popped in quickly. Then we asked for a couple of days break as parents kept wanting to pop in and we really wanted to introduce baby to our friends so had friends over. With mil who would out stay her welcome and also hog the baby and never let me have him back we had a leaving time for quite a while. In fact even now baby is over a year when we see her we still say a leaving time but make up an excuse like we are free until 3 because then we have to do X.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:15:31

I have no problems with them visiting, honestly - but is it unreasonable to ask them to wait a few hours?? smile Hubby gave the impression that he sees it as being fine that as soon as I'm stitched up and being wheeled out of the theatre, his parents will already be sitting comfortably next to my hospital bed waiting to meet the baby hmm

All I said to my husband was that I wouldn't want to tell people until hours after the baby had arrived that it was here - purely so that just for those few hours we could be a new family together without everyone turning up.

I know it's not a popular view but I am of the opinion that when your DH can give birth then he can make the decisions about who is there during / after labour.

He can, of course, make suggestions and give opinions but ultimately you are the one who is pushing a person out or having major surgery so you get to decide when you want visitors.

A friend of mine had her second by C-Section and her DH wanted his mum there, she asked if he would be inviting his mum to his vasectomy (they'd already decided he would be going for the snip after baby 2) since he was so keen to share everything with her? Strangely enough he saw her point of view after that!

I think you should pre-empt your DH speaking to his mum, and tell her yourself that you would love her to be the first grandparent to meet the baby but would she mind waiting a couple of hours so you can get yourself together and have a little bonding time of your own. Throw in an 'I'm sure you understand, being such a wonderful mum / mil' and stress how much you are looking forward to her having a lovely relationship with baby and your MIL sounds like she'll be fine.

Bunbaker Sun 25-Aug-13 11:17:28

Even post natal wards have set visiting hours so if you are ready to go to the ward at say 10.30 at night there won't be any visitors anyway. At our hospital post natal visiting is between 2pm and 8pm.

Bunbaker Sun 25-Aug-13 11:18:42

Your view is popular with me glen, and it is a very sensible post.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:22:15

Haha glen about the vasectomy!! grin

I'm very happy for his parents to be the first to meet the baby, but I want to spend some time with the baby first smile I'm not sure I fancy lying there topless having skin to skin whilst his parents are sitting there watching me hmm

If I do have to have a c-section then maybe I could ask if they have run a night time theatre list?? Good thinking Bun smile

MortifiedAdams Sun 25-Aug-13 11:25:21

I dont know about anyone else but we spent a good few hours in recovery (4?), before we moved to the ward. Got to the ward about 8am, visiting was 2-4 and 6-8. Marvellous!!

123bucklemyshoe Sun 25-Aug-13 11:25:54

Have you thought about talking to your MiL about your husband's plans & how you feel about. It sounds like she would be quite reasonable & support you. After all she has been through the experience herself. And if she visits you shortly after you have had your time you can make sure she has some special grandma time & feel just as involved - if not more so as she won't feel like she was imposing. A woman to woman conversation might be the thing with you telling her what you want & why and you asking her how she wants to be involved.

tiggerishtom Sun 25-Aug-13 11:26:44

The poster hasn't said grandparents aren't welcome to visit the newest member of the family though has she? Just that she doesn't want them present at the birth or in the first few hours afterwards.

I think both of theses are perfectly reasonable requests.

Bunbaker Sun 25-Aug-13 11:29:06

You have the skin to skin bit straight after the birth while you are still in the labour suite. I don't think visitors are allowed in there anyway.
I think you are only allowed visitors once you are on the ward (during visiting hours only), by which time you will have been able to get cleaned up etc.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:31:06

Thanks Tigger.

And good advice there 123. I actually think my MIL would be fine with my request. I think I'm just confused as to why my husband is pushing for it so much.

JollyHappyGiant Sun 25-Aug-13 11:33:06

I had an ELCS on Thursday. I had to be at hospital at 8am. We were given a room and I waited there until about 2pm when we went down to labour ward. Baby was born at 3:30 then we went to recovery. I was transferred back to the ward at 7:30, but had to really push for this. Visiting is 7-8 and I really wanted DS to be able to welcome his new sister. Recovery would have preferred to keep me longer.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:36:29

So it can actually be a very long process then??
That's reassuring!!
I'm pretty sure that even hubby would see that asking his parents to sit in a canteen for 12 hours is a bit much smile

motownmover Sun 25-Aug-13 11:42:13

I didn't get visitors and both times stayed in hospital for a week - other than DH and DS but we have no family close by.

However, I do think it helped with my recovery.

I remember someone well known saying that when they went home they put the phones on silence and had a week getting to know their baby which they loved.

I think if you have visitors you have to know that you can handle them and that you are up to it.

Because I had pretty rare births I wasn't up to visitors.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

sameoldIggi Sun 25-Aug-13 11:43:40

Just tell him you are happy for them to visit on the day the baby is born. Really, unless it's your birth partner, I've never heard of GPS being present at the hospital during labour. You are not "denying" them anything, just waiting till a sensible time. Straight after birth is a time for medical staff to monitor you and your baby anyway. I think extra visitors would be shown the door pretty quickly until visiting time.
Your dh has unrealistic expectations, but I think by putting it as a desire to have uninterrupted time with LO it's led him to think they are being deprived in some way. They are not. Unless a sight of your fanjo is something they really wanted to see.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:44:32

A week with no visitors, just them and the baby - that sounds absolutely perfect to me smile

Glad you recovered from your births x x

Saundy Sun 25-Aug-13 11:58:42

Congrats OP.

I intend to call people once the baby is born not when I'm in labour. If they are waiting outside then DP will probably feel he has to leave me to give updates/excuse to escape etc which is not happening.

However, I will let people come and have a little visit before I leave the hospital, this is a good compromise to me. This is so that they don't come to my home, so is a small price to pay. I'm going to have a strict closed door policy for at least a week after the baby is born so that will allow me to start as I mean to go on.

The though of my newborn baby being passed around is a horrible one but seems unavoidable really.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 12:01:58

I think I'm also dreading being kept in hospital for 3 days or so and having endless visitors turning up during the 6 hour window every day! It sounds exhausting and I would hate it!!!

At least at home you can lock the front door and ignore the world! smile

weebarra Sun 25-Aug-13 12:10:03

I'm just back from hospital after having DD by cs.
I had her at 5.15, then was in recovery until about 8 when I was taken to the post natal ward. Visiting hours were 2.30-4 and 7-8.
My parents came the next day and my pils the day after.
I've known many people have their elcs delayed by hours due to emergencies. If you do have a cs you'll be in for 2 days minimum so plenty of time for visitors.

ThedementedPenguin Sun 25-Aug-13 12:17:30

I only just poped in to say this might not even be an issue. You could give birth late at night or even during the night.

I think you do need to discuss it with them. I can see were they are coming from but their wants don't outweigh yours.

Can you say you'll ring them after you've had a bit of alone time, time to get a shower?

Kelly1814 Sun 25-Aug-13 13:00:58

I am so with you on this. I have a date for my ELCS and I haven't even shared this with my parents! I am actually going to give everyone including them a false date (later) as I don't want endless interference and questions about the birth etc.

It is very important to us to have time together as a little family. It's time you will never get back. Good luck.

Writerwannabe83 Sun 25-Aug-13 13:10:51

Thanks Kelly, that is exactly what I want to do smile

What harm is a white lie? smile

Kelly1814 Sun 25-Aug-13 14:01:55

none at all writer!

i am a people pleaser by nature, but when it comes to this, my foot is firmly down! i didn't tell people i was pregnant until 24+ weeks (parents around 21) am intensely private, and on this, even mores.

you should do exactly as you please.

WipsGlitter Sun 25-Aug-13 14:06:14

You need to check what the hospitals policy is. Most wont allow anyone near you until you're on the ward.

FobblyWoof Sun 25-Aug-13 15:06:41

It sounds to me like he's watched too many American tv programmes and films- where they all sit around in the waiting room until baby is born and then flood into the room. I have no idea whether that is a reality in the states but the reason it's nearly always shown like that in tv and films is because they don't have hours to document what actually happens and the gap inbetween, and having all the characters together in the waiting room just makes sense from a plot/dialogue point of view. I doubt many births are actually like that.

Also, for a while after baby is born you will be on the delivery ward. Every local trust varies in their exact policies but for most only birth partners are allowed on the delivery ward because it's not the place for visitors, especially keeping in mind other ladies and their privacy. Like hell I want Joe Bloggs and his entire extended fuxking family around as I'm shuffling down the corridor for a wee mid labour with my fanjo exposed to the world. I seriously doubt his parents would be allowed in. And certainly not even on the main ward until visiting time.

And I'm sure his parents don't want to be sat around for what could be 12 or so hours waiting for news. My hospital has specific waiting areas for people attending appointments etc, there is no provision for peoole waiting for their grandchildren to be born as that's just not the done thing!

PistachioTruffle Sun 25-Aug-13 15:47:34

My hospital doesn't have anywhere for people to sit and wait either, it says this specifically in the info I was given about the hospital at my booking appointment. It also has a strict 2 birthing partner only policy.
I think the time after immediately births must be such a special time of getting to know your own baby, I really wouldn't want hordes of people coming in and disturbing it and wanting to take my baby away and hold it! Of course I won't mind visitors after a few hours, but I think your husband is being unreasonable.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

firesidechat Sun 25-Aug-13 16:27:20

You may well find that they won't be allowed to hang around while you are in labour. Also the hospital may have strict visiting hours, so they may have to wait to see the baby anyway. It's a long time since I had my children, so not too sure what labour wards are like now.

Personally I'm with you OP. My mil would never have taken the journey to see our new baby, had no fil and my parents lived too far away. Looking back on it I'm very happy that we had some time to ourselves without other visitors even though it wasn't because we made that choice. Does your husband have the scenes on tv dramas in mind when he suggested this? They seem to have family members pacing the floor outside the delivery room, but not too sure if this has any basis in reality.

My daughter says she will tell us when she is in labour and wants us there as soon as possible. I said that we would play it by ear because she and her husband may decide differently when the time comes.

firesidechat Sun 25-Aug-13 16:28:58

FooblyWoof I honestly hadn't seen your post before I wrote my own. Great minds and all that.

tertle Sun 25-Aug-13 16:30:28

I shouldn't worry about it too much at this stage. You haven't even told your inlaws yet so there's not much need to discuss it in great detail now. I'm due in March and my father in law has already told me that he'll keep the whole month free so he and MIL can make their was over as soon as labour starts as MIL will be desperate to get her hands on her first grandchild... shock Husband has also hinted that his parents will be staying with us as soon as the baby comes hmm. I have ignored all of these comments / hints as I plan and being quite firm with my parents in law when I next see them in a couple of weeks and will say 'I don't know how I will feel when the baby is born, let's wait and see, do not make any plans'. To disagree with some posters, I actually think this is better coming from you, rather than your husband, as then your parents in law will know you're serious. And once/if my husband says anything further down the line I am planning on clearly explaining that I am the one giving birth and it's my decision.

Everyone will (hopefully!) respect your decision, especially as they sound like nice people. I'm quite sure your husband will come round to your way of thinking too. Mine is incredibly stubborn but he is coming to realise that I'm the pregnant one, not him!

Good luck smile

CubanoHabana Sun 25-Aug-13 20:43:36

My mil has already told oh that she is panicking in case I go into labour when her husband is working nights as she won't drive at night, so doesn't know how she will get to hospital... Sil said she would just drive her... I haven't yet pointed out to oh that she was not invited!

I have a choice of 3 hospitals and I specifically have not chosen the one next to where she lives for this reason...

Still another 26 weeks to go!

ElaineVintage Sun 25-Aug-13 22:12:00

I'm currently 39+5 weeks and we plan on having at least a week with no visitors. Just me, my husband and our 19 month old boy. Bliss! This will give us time to bond as a family.

With my son birth in Feb12, we had visitors literally first thing in the morning (he was born at 9pm) and they stayed ALL day! It was too much to take. I was still dazed, heavily bleeding and trying to establish breastfeeding. This is why I was adamant this time would be very different. Luckily my husband agrees with me. Hope yours will come round too. It is a very precious time and not about anyone other than you, your husband and your new baby. Do not let anyone emotionally pressure you into anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. All the best with your pregnancy. x

Mamabear12 Sun 25-Aug-13 22:21:25

I wouldn't be so bothered if the grand parents wanted to visit right away and wait while I'm in labour! In fact, it would make me feel happy that they want to be there! But then again, I plan to have my mother in the delivery room with me and my husband, as we did first time around. If my husband wanted his parents to view baby shortly after (once all checks have been done), then of course, I would be more then happy for them to meet the new addition.

But I guess everyone is different. My sister was surprised we wanted my mom staying with us for a few weeks right after birth. She thought we would want that baby moon period and bonding as a family. However, we were both so happy my mom was there at birth and a few weeks after! We were sad when she left and now, happy she is coming back for baby two smile now if only she could stay longer then three weeks!

Mamabear12 Sun 25-Aug-13 22:23:27

Oh and I should mention, both sets of grandparents live out of the country, or they would probably all be waiting at hospital (or at least for the call to come visit) after baby is born smile

Romily Sun 25-Aug-13 23:02:52

When I had my daughter the whole family came to visit in the hospital and I felt completely overwhelmed. As such I have decided that there will be no visitors to the hops this time except for my hubby and daughter, the rest of the family will meet our new arrival when I am home and feeling a bit better.

MummyJetsetter Sun 25-Aug-13 23:10:00

It's pointless them waiting at the hospital, they'll be bored even if you have a quick 5-6 hour labour! My labour was 6 hours and even I was bored! After having my ds I sat having my lunch the next day in the dining room of the birthing ward and there was a woman sat there whilst her grandchild was being born, she was just sat there for hours and couldn't do a thing! Like people have said they won't get in to see you anyway until visiting hours and you're showered and fed. Your dh is being a bit silly! x

Fakebook Sun 25-Aug-13 23:44:12

From experience, yanbu. This time I'm telling the midwives not to let any visitors come and see me. I think I'll ask them to tell anyone who tries to come onto the ward that I need my rest and to go away.

Last time my brother and his wife came into the labour room whilst I was in the shower and met my baby without me there. My bra and pants with the sanitary towel still attached (thanks DH for not clearing things up!) were just lying about on the chairs and my brother must have seen it all...I was mortified. Then they left my dad with me for 5 hours whilst I was having after pains and I had to give him my hospital food because he's old and hadn't eaten all day. I really resent them for doing that. <mutters a few choice swear words at the memory>

Don't have visitors if you don't want them. Tell the midwives to send them away.

SaucyJack Sun 25-Aug-13 23:53:16

Do remember that you won't have any idea about how you'll feel re visitors until after you've given birth.

Personally, I couldn't wait to show my babies off. A week spent in bed at home on my own would be my idea of Hell.

VixZenFenchell Mon 26-Aug-13 00:03:51

What a lot of drama over a current non situation.

This woman was in your situation a few decades ago, when she gave birth to your husband. And you don't think she should be involved in the birth of his child? Good grief.

At my hospital there is a whanau room (family room) next to the Caesar theatre with a viewing window. Family members are in there watching (the norm is both sets of parents/in laws, plus children) while the birth partner is in theatre.

Mum and baby are wheeled from theatre straight back to delivery. Family is either waiting in the room when they get back or meets us in the corridor and walks back with us.

It's amazing seeing the new baby welcomed into such warm and loving families. I wish I'd had that experience and not felt so alone after the birth of my sons.

SeriousStuff Mon 26-Aug-13 00:14:42

We've been stressing about the exact same thing and decided we'll probably contact parents and siblings from the hospital once the baby is born (I'd hate the added pressure of people waiting for news), and hopefully manage initial visits while I'm still at the hospital (but not until the next day). Then we really want to have the first 2 weeks to ourselves to enjoy it and get into a routine, then we'll organise other, short, visits.

SaucyJack Mon 26-Aug-13 00:23:22

No offence VixZen but that sounds awful, and dreadfully intrusive. Don't panic tho OP, viewing windows to watch you birthing are absolutely not the norm in the UK.

And yes, I know I said I loved having visitors, but that was long after the gory bits were over and I'd had a chance to shower and put my fadge back in the pants.

fuckwittery Mon 26-Aug-13 02:49:14

Hwo does your husband feel about his parents being there seeing you topless doing skin to skin trying to estblish breastfeeding and latching on? You need to say no way, you will be breatsfeeding your new baby.

Also agree he has an unrealistic view of what hapens at planned c sections, you go in 8am, all planned sections for that day do, if any emergencies you may be delayed, when I gave birth to dd2 there were people bumped from one day to the next so had been waiting in hosp all day, and then I would be jumping the queue the following day when offered a planned section, but needed to happen that day.

Then you come out op theatre into recovery, then the labour ward, no visitors allowed, can be a few hours after the actual op before you get onto the postnatal ward. I suggest you discuss with your mw with your husband present hopefully she can get him to see what a mad idea it is.

Also, you are bleeding heavily (dont escape vaginal bleeding with section), have people coming in to check your pads, give you a suppository, check your catheter etc. It is also major abdominal surgery and aside from the baby YOU need to say when you are ready for visitors.

ovenbun Mon 26-Aug-13 06:49:51

Maybe at your next midwife appointment she can back you up on all this? Although it is lovely to have close family, I think having your first baby is a time when you distinguish yourselves as your own little family, and all the ground rules etc that requires..this little baby belongs to you both first, and I think it's lovely to have a few hours just being parents, and only you knowing about your little one...It does sound like your DH has a little bit of an unrealistic expectation of how straightforward this will all be, many ELCS get pushed over a couple of days due to emergency section cases. It is unlikely to be a case of in at 8.00, in theatre at 9.00, because its isn't really like a usual theatre list. Perhaps chat with him and explain that it will likely be a few hours before you are well enough for the post natal ward. And that although you are pleased that your baby has loving grandparents, he/she is your baby, and needs time to get to know you both first smile also for the first couple of hours you will probably want your baby skin to skin and nuzzling to bring your milk in, so there won't be much opportunity for nanny cuddles...if you can't have quality with your baby just after they are born..when can you have it?

Bunbaker Mon 26-Aug-13 08:37:30

"And you don't think she should be involved in the birth of his child? Good grief.

At my hospital there is a whanau room (family room) next to the Caesar theatre with a viewing window. Family members are in there watching (the norm is both sets of parents/in laws, plus children) while the birth partner is in theatre.

Mum and baby are wheeled from theatre straight back to delivery. Family is either waiting in the room when they get back or meets us in the corridor and walks back with us."

That sounds horrendous. Which country is that in?

Kelly1814 Mon 26-Aug-13 08:44:28

a VIEWING WINDOW for people to watch you giving birth??!!

jesus wept!!! it is a hospital not a zoo! you are not a giant panda!!!!

this has actually made me feel pyhsically sick.

Bambamb Mon 26-Aug-13 08:52:54

Ugh me too. Viewing window sounds so disrespectful to the woman.

Speak to your mil and tell her how upset you feel about the situation. I am sure she will understand.

As for a viewing window, WTF???

I think even our super shite nhs would see that as a privacy and dignity issue.

Meglet Mon 26-Aug-13 09:38:25

Try and keep them away for as long as you can.

I had people descend on me hours after my EMCS, while I was still in the high-dependency ward. It was wretched being watched being in severe pain, being sick, still being hooked up to a drip and trying to bf while being gawped at. 7yrs on it still upsets me. I don't understand the fascination with a new baby, the mother should be left in peace until she is ready for visitors whether that's 3 hours or 3 weeks.

TarkaTheOtter Mon 26-Aug-13 09:55:02

If you're very early on I'd expect this he hasn't really thought this through and considered the logistics (and if first baby he probably doesn't know the logistics).
If you turn this into an argument now he will dig his feet in. Let him discover himself that this is a silly idea (mil may well set him straight herself). If he's still keen in the third trimester, then is the time to have a proper discussion with him and mil about why it's not going to happen like that.

During/after the birth, you (not the baby) are the patient so you do get final say IMO. Can't you honour PIL by saying they will be first to know and first visitors ONCE you have recovered and sorted yourself out a bit.

Hospital visiting times are quite short and well controlled though so generally quite good places to have visitors. Also you can't be expected to provide tea and refreshments like some people seem to expect once you are home.

mrspaddy Mon 26-Aug-13 10:02:41

There is a big difference to having support and a visit from grandparents to them actually waiting outside during the birth!!

I love my mil but she has cop on.. She wouldn't intrude like that. It is for reasons like that makes for a mutually respectful relationship.

On a practical level, check the visiting hours the hospital. I know at mine, it is strictly partners due to infection risks etc outside of strict visiting hours. Also you can have a quiet word with a midwife and say you need a rest. We have been told we can ask for this.

Maybe have a quiet word with mil, she might totally agree that you need time on your on to shower, bond etc. maybe word it carefully and let her know she is a big part of this. Ask her advice on things etc. She will probably be very supportive.

Bunbaker Mon 26-Aug-13 10:08:23

I just googled my local hospital to check visiting hours and found this:

For the maternity ward, partners and the patient’s other children (under 14’s) can visit between 10:00am – 8:00pm. Other family and friends are able to visit between 2:00pm and 4:30pm and 6:30 and 8:00pm.

I suggest you do the same.

Loobylou123 Mon 26-Aug-13 10:09:19

We have decided that we will tell our parents when we are off to the hospital so they are kept informed but that once baby is here we will call again to make decisions about visiting times then. There seems no point in parents coming to wait at the hospital. Firstly our hospital made it quite clear there was no designated waiting space, also it could be a good 24 hour wait! We thought this would work as if things go well we may be dying to show our baby off. If things are more difficult and I need recovery time or baby needs extra help feeding etc we can ask people to come once we get home or once we have had a rest etc.
I'm sure MIL will understand, after all she went through this too smile

Bunbaker Mon 26-Aug-13 10:15:30

"We have decided that we will tell our parents when we are off to the hospital so they are kept informed"

Why do they need to know at all? You will only put them through several hours of nail-biting stress. I would just wait until after the event.

I really don't get why people have to know when someone goes into labour, unless you need childcare.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 26-Aug-13 10:25:50

I agree Bun, when my sister had her 2nd baby the first I heard of it was when I received a text from her partner to let me know she'd been born!!! It felt amazing to suddenly get that news and I was so excited!!!

When she'd had her first baby, her partner had told me that labour had started as soon as they arrived at the hospital and all it did was worry me for 8 hours, wondering if everything was ok and generally just feeling impatient and stressed.

My ideal plan: nobody knows the labour/ELCS is happening, the baby is born, the husband can let people know but we say no visitors for 24 hours smile

EmilyAlice Mon 26-Aug-13 10:43:23

May I add a comment as a grandparent? I would never have expected to wait at the hospital or be present at the birth of my four grandchildren. DGD1 arrived after a 45 minute labour so they barely got there, never mind anyone else. We visited the next day for an hour with SiL's parents and I stayed for 3 days at my DD's request to help when they came home the same evening. For DGD2 I was there to look after DGD1. We didn't visit as the baby was born at midnight and home by 10am. Again I stayed for a few days to cook, clean and give them a break when the baby cried in the night. My DD and SiL have always said how much they appreciated it, but I was very careful not to outstay my welcome and I had to go back to work anyway. My son lives in another country; I met DGS at five weeks and DGD3 at four months. I love them to bits, though I am a bit sad that I didn't see them as young babies. It makes no difference to our relationship now. I was amazed by the overwhelming love I felt for by grandchildren when they were born and time has deepened the relationship. I know that as a grandparent I have no rights, but I am lucky that my children see us as an important part of their children's lives, even though we all live in different countries and grand-parenting by Skype is a big part of it.

sameoldIggi Mon 26-Aug-13 11:00:05

Struggling to think why my four year old would have benefitted from watching someone slice my stomach open and pull out his baby brother. Or see me looking scared, or losing blood etc. or why my in-laws would have wanted to be there either!

Writerwannabe83 Tue 27-Aug-13 08:07:52

I guess I'm also just worried that with the PIL only living 13 doors away they will be here all the time - and I just don't want that. I would just want my own space and time with my family. I'm sure they would understand it if I told them that, but I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Maybe I can just let hubby take the baby round whilst I get some sleep smile There's a positive I hadn't thought of.....

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