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Furious about MIL comment!

(46 Posts)
Festen Wed 31-Jul-13 17:57:59

Hi everyone - just wanted to share a rant!

I saw my in laws at the weekend and FIL said "MIL is terrified your baby is going to be ginger". She obviously hadn't wanted him to say that out loud and she tried to cover it up and make a joke of it by saying "It's ok I'll knit lots of hats." I was really offended by her attitude but tried to be polite and said, "Your attitude makes me feel very sad. Anyway, get used to the idea because it's a distinct possibility given my heritage." She then said, "They say redheads have a fiery temper". At that point I couldn't really believe it and said, "That is a load of old crock!", still trying to be polite and not fly into a rage. I was really upset by her shallowness and couldn't sleep that night going over what she said - what kind of grandparent would say such a thing?! The only thing that makes me feel better about it is to remind myself that she is not actually very well educated or worldly.

Discrimination of redhaired people in this country is awful, but no one takes the prejudice seriously. It's a disgrace! I just hope that if my baby is a redhead that I am able to give him/her the confidence not to bothered by teasing.

Have anyone else's family members said such insensitive things? sad

Mogz Wed 31-Jul-13 18:52:36

Goodness, even if your FIL meant to be a bit light hearted about it it's still not a nice thing to say!
I for one would give my eye teeth for a baby with red hair, but any colour, or none whatever, your babe will be beautiful and MIL will soon fall in love with it causing you even more problems!
Try not to thnk on it too much, one persons opinion shouldn't ruin your enjoyment for pregnancy and becoming a mummy.

DaleyBump Wed 31-Jul-13 18:58:07

My MIL said the other week "I hate the names you've picked. I won't be calling him that. You'll just have to change it." I was like shock the names we've picked are lovely, we're probably going with Isaac or Zachary so I have no idea what her problem is. She also went on and on about how I've "put on weight everywhere! Like, all over!" and every time I eat anything she goes "eating for two, eh?" like I'm eating far too much which I'm not. She tries to make me feel ashamed for eating, and she's making it so hard to be civil towards her.

mignonette Wed 31-Jul-13 19:02:29

I hope you do have a beautiful healthy red head- we need more of them because they are rare and special like the Snow Leopard {smile]

All of the women on my 'beautiful list' are Redheads. Show her photographs of Jessica Chastain, Julianne Moore, Damian Lewis etc. Still think red hair is to be avoided MIL?
Julianne Moore has written a series of childrens books about a redheaded girl and i think there is a TV show/film on the cards too. Put them on your gift list smile.

HeffalumpTheFlump Wed 31-Jul-13 19:02:42

Sorry to hear about your mil's horrible comments. I wish you could have my mum as a mil, as she keeps going on about how she would absolutely love for my little girl to be born with red hair. Then she gets all soppy about little auburn curls and how stunning red hair is. Unfortunately there really isn't much chance of it as there isn't any red hair in the family to pass down.

Whatever colour hair your baby has, he/she will be bloody gorgeous. grin

mignonette Wed 31-Jul-13 19:04:03

MIL tells people they have gained weight and actually pokes them in their stomachs. I told her she was a very rude and unplesant woman and what diet plan would solve that.

(I've given up caring what she thinks of me and thankfully DH doesn't expect me to like her)....

mignonette Wed 31-Jul-13 19:04:20

unpleasant I mean...

DaleyBump Wed 31-Jul-13 19:04:41

Balls, meant to say that your baby will be gorgeous no matter what their hair colour. And I personally love red hair.

mrspaddy Wed 31-Jul-13 19:07:57

I think you are right.. she has had no education... terrible comment to make.. try not to get upset.. you don't need extra stress. Very weird and nasty statement to make.

All babies are beautiful.. I have never in all my life heard anything like that.

LeoandBoosmum Wed 31-Jul-13 19:11:37

I'm a red head and no offence to blondes and brunettes but I wouldn't swap it if I could (I might be open to swapping my blonde eyelashes though! grin)
What a fool your MIL is! Tell her you'll take the hats and if the baby's a red head then you'll donate them to a society for bitter, wizened pensioners! Let her make of that what she will... Rude mare!

I hope you have a gorgeous red head too!

My MIL said some shitty things to me too while I was pregnant with her first (and only) grandchildren...

"You just can't do anything properly" - when we told her we were expecting twins.
"Oh, but I wanted two boys" - when we told her we were having two girls.

Ignore her and enjoy your pregnancy and your lovely new baby smile

PetraBaelish Wed 31-Jul-13 19:12:30

What the what? That's just nasty.
I'm a fellow ginger nut and I've always hoped one of my children would/ will inherit my hair colour. It's a lovely colour, much nicer than mouse brown for sure!
DS2 was born with red hair but sadly all of that fell out and he's platinum blond now. I'm still hoping this one might be a redhead though!

Festen Wed 31-Jul-13 19:13:10

Thanks for your comments you lovely people! It's good to rant sometimes, I've been bottling this up since last week and now I feel much better. flowers

DaleyBump your name choices are great. I haven't told anyone my favourite names (even DP is in the dark at the moment) for fear of the same response.

MargeSimpsonx Wed 31-Jul-13 19:15:48

Ach, buckle in for another twenty odd years of it. 7 if you split up wink

I was told that x's height would "correct" my height. confused what? average it out I think. I replied that my nose would average out his nose so we're on track for some really average children here, woo hoo!!! (sarcasm with a smile)

MissStrawberry Wed 31-Jul-13 19:18:41

Slap her twice. (not really.)

Once for saying it and then again for rubbing it in by saying she will cover up the offensive ginger hair with a hat.

Festen Wed 31-Jul-13 19:20:21

Just to add...she has been really supportive and lovely in every other way, so that's why that comment took me by surprise!

One of the most exciting parts of being pregnant is the anticipation of who this amazing new person will look like. My dark hair, DP's blonde tufty hair or another colour from the palette?

Festen Wed 31-Jul-13 19:21:43

Haha Marge I like your style!

When i was giving birth to dd a doctor peered up at her wedged in my birth canal and said "don't worry, it's not ginger!" shock

Both dh and i have red headed brothers and my mother was in the room.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Wed 31-Jul-13 19:23:57

'I hate the names you've picked. I won't be calling him that. You'll just have to change it.'

'Oh, but I wanted two boys" - when we told her we were having two girls.'

I just can't believe people would say things like this. What IS it about becoming a MIL that makes (some) women behave like this? Is it similar to the Bridezilla phenomenon?

As for 'Show her photographs of Jessica Chastain, Julianne Moore, Damian Lewis etc.', nice idea in the abstract but honestly, fuck that. She has a problem with red hair and a problem with thinking she can be offensive to people and it's not your job to try to win her round. Tell her she can take a running jump.

Oh and your child will be gorgeous.

JustPanicking Wed 31-Jul-13 19:30:25

I have 2 beautiful red headed daughters and I am constantly stopped by people wanting to comment on how much they love the colour. Tell mil to go jump!

zzzzz Wed 31-Jul-13 19:32:04

I honestly had got through life till last year without even hearing that I was supposed to dislike red hair. The only even slight inkling I had was Anne of Green Gables and I thought that was just her hating her own hair (she hated her nose too).

Your MIL is a bit barmy. Don't be cross, feel sorry for her. I expect your baby would have liked a more sensible Granny, but you have to work with what's on offer. wink

Stropzilla Wed 31-Jul-13 19:37:13

I have brown hair and dye it red. Your MIL is daft. Fwiw my mil told me if I had a girl she would drown it because girls are cows. I have 2 DDs and she is now mortified she ever said that and adores them. I like to bring it up sometimes and let her squirm smile . Your Mil will be the same.

mignonette Wed 31-Jul-13 19:52:33

*Lady i didn't mean it literally, more as a reassurance to the OP that Red heads are valued and worshipped grin by so many of us.

cravingcake Wed 31-Jul-13 20:10:46

My DS was born with lovely auburn coloured hair and its only gotten thicker and more shiny and ginger by the day grin I had midwives commenting on it, and people stop me often to say they love his hair.

On showing my MIL the 12 week scan pics recently of DC2 her comment was oh, just one baby? When FIL said well what did you expect she said that it was because I am a lot bigger this time.

I really hope that DC2 will have the same coloured hair as its big brother - I actually dye my hair similar colour and we have no idea where the ginger gene comes from!

Andanotherthing123 Wed 31-Jul-13 20:14:10

My FIL said exactly the same thing to me before I had DC1. I asked if he wanted to discuss it with my brother, sister and auntie (who all have red hair). Op I share your disgust for those kind of bigoted idiots who have failed to spot how ugly thier own views are. I also told my FIL that if any of my children have red hair, I would be delighted to keep them away ( and any other grandchildren)from him, especially if he stands by his own discriminatory views. It's making my blood boil just thinking about it and it was 6 years ago. You have my sympathies.

KatOD Wed 31-Jul-13 20:25:29

I am a redhead and violently against such prejudice... But could it be that she said it as a joke to your FIL and didn't expect it to be repeated and then got flustered and dug herself in deeper? Good for you for keeping your cool though, not sure if I would have.

If she's lovely in every other way maybe take her aside quietly one day and ask her if she really meant it and tell her how much it upset you again when she's less flustered.

Fwiw one of my friends told me how the first thing she said when she had her DS was "he's not ginger is he?". I don't think she meant anything by it, it was just a badly place joke...

IAteTheCake Wed 31-Jul-13 20:32:25

so sorry you have had to endure ridiculous comments op! i love red hair and as a blondie am hoping my grandmother's red hair will appear in one of my dc....not dd who is a blondie like me but maybe dc2 due in 2 weeks!!!?? what awful comments...

If it makes you feel any better my MIL greeted me when I was 32 wks pg with 'hello hippo' and keeps banging on about my weight which is perfectly normal!!!! I got an email from her this week telling me I'll have my body back soon though it will never be the same etc. I have no idea if these comments come in good intention or she actually realises how hurtful they can be. After a tricky pregnancy all that should be worried about is a healthy baby! I have a c section booked and she has opinions about that too.....I wish I could have some good come back lines ready for her but I bite my tongue and then stew on it!!!! well done for saying something back!!!

BlissfullyIgnorant Wed 31-Jul-13 20:51:59

Just sprinkle the conversation with light laughter and say "Oh, how quaint," and "What else did you do/say/believe in the olden days?"

Dusty04 Wed 31-Jul-13 20:52:47

I'm a red head and have always loved my hair.. I'd be happy if our little one inherits it smile ever since I was little I've always had people commenting on how beautiful it is smile

EATmum Wed 31-Jul-13 21:04:41

Like Panicking above, I have two beautiful DDs with red hair. I figure it's from all the hair dye I used in my twenties, which clearly seeped into my gene pool. I get nothing but positive comments about their hair, often from complete strangers who stop us. It's a blessing and both girls think they are Ariel/Merida ...

LadyClariceCannockMonty Thu 01-Aug-13 09:02:15

Sorry, mignonette, I didn't mean to sound as though I was having a go at you. I was just annoyed at the thought of gently trying to 'educate' someone when a 'Fuck off' would do just as well grin But I'm a great elephant and crash round speaking my mind and putting people's backs up all the time, so no one should take this kind of advice from me!

fluffyraggies Thu 01-Aug-13 09:07:13

Oh God i bet FIL is in the doghouse now!

Red hair is beautiful OP, but you don't need us to tell you that.

Ignore her. The chances are she wouldn't have expressed her bloody silly opinion if it weren't for FIL's indescretion.

Try to put it behind you now and enjoy your pregnancy smile

CuppaSarah Thu 01-Aug-13 09:07:33

My dm told me I better be having a girl because she doesn't like boys and won't grandparent a boy. I ended up having a DD but I wanted a boy so hard to prove her wrong. She kept implying I wouldn't be able to love a boy as much as a girl and all sorts of nonsense.

Nothing brings peoples true colours to light faster than having a baby.

chocoluvva Thu 01-Aug-13 09:13:30

It's her personal preference/foible not meant for anyone else to hear.

My SIL remarked that she hoped her own DD wouldn't be ginger - which made me laugh as her dad and I had ginger hair when we were little.

We all have things we hope to avoid - I have another IL who remarks on people being 'scrawny' which offends me a bit as I'm scrawny and there isn't anything I can do about it. Presumably she'll be hoping her grandchildren aren't scrawny.

Hopefully you'll have a girl so you can call your baby 'Scarlet' or 'Amber' just to annoy your MIL.

fluffyraggies Thu 01-Aug-13 09:13:54

cuppa - my XMIL desperately wanted male GC and made no attempt to hide the fact. I had 3 DDs. Upon the announcement by phone from the hospital of the arrival of healthy baby no.3 - a DD - she said to my DH 'oh. never mind'.

shock

BeQuicksieorBeDead Thu 01-Aug-13 09:19:39

Red hair is beautiful...wish mine was naturally red!

For what it's worth, my mil could not be less interested in my pregnancy. If it is mentioned she gets mardy or changes the subject. Her first comment on hearing our news was that where would she sleep when she comes to stay? Err, in the same house as your only grandchild perhaps?! She also said that she would hate it to be a girl, as all women are moody and bitchy. I nearly choked!

FreckleyGirlAbroad Thu 01-Aug-13 10:40:28

What a total cow!!!! I would not have been able to hold my tongue. I'm a proud red head and 30 weeks pregnant by using an egg donor in a country with very few red heads so I know my children won't be the freckley red heads I had always imagined, which i'm disappointed about (but amazingly grateful all the same to be pregnant in the first place as beggars can't be choosers!!!!)

Some people don't think twice about making rude comments about red hair, although I do tend to think this is only the case in the UK.... here where I live everyone thinks it's wonderful!!!!

Doctorbrownbear Thu 01-Aug-13 10:42:40

This really annoys me, my beautiful DD is a redhead and gorgeous with it... people make stupid comments all the time about feiry tempers (what rubbish!) and oh look there is blond coming through! I am getting less and less tolerant by the day, one of these days someone is going to get it! I am afraid it reflects on their own stupidity though, I pity people who are so bigoted.

Rollermum Thu 01-Aug-13 11:59:01

Wow, amazed that some MIL's and ILs can be so rude - to OP and everyone else whose got a horrible story on this thread massive sympathies.

Puts my MIL mocking my blue nail varnish into perspective grin other than that she is pretty well behaved.

LouiseD29 Thu 01-Aug-13 13:18:46

You have my sympathies, OP. We are expecting a girl and were joking with MIL about what a surprise it would be if it turned out to be a boy. I said we would still dress him in the same clothes we've already bought and she said, 'Oh no, you couldn't - he'd grow up a poofter!' hmm angry

NumberTwoDue Thu 01-Aug-13 13:30:44

Bloody MILs. Never fails to amaze me that some people think your being pregnant means they can say whatever the hell they like to you.

Our top one this time was MIL saying to me "do you think it'll be as exciting this time round?", to which I said "what do you mean?!". She said "oh, you know, you having a baby, because we've already got DD, so I probably won't be as excited about this one's birth or when it smiles or whatever". (This from the woman who tells everyone that she's expecting a grandchild, rather than that me and DP are having a baby - still sketchy on the genetics of that one). I said "well we're VERY excited" and privately decided that her second-born's disastrous life choices now made more sense to me.

It's a warped world in some people's heads...

ladymalfoy Thu 01-Aug-13 13:31:32

My DH and his siblings have stunning curly red hair. I want our baby to have his hair. My SIS said to me when I started to date my DH that its unusual for red haired men to marry dark haired women because they have no proof the child is theirs.
She's a weird one. Grew her hair when I cut mine. Drinks red if I drank white and vice versa. Rest of my in laws kick arse so I just smile and nod.

ladymalfoy Thu 01-Aug-13 13:34:08

And God willing if the actor who replaces Matt Smith is ginger then the ginger basher s can fuck right off.

IJustWoreMyTrenchcoat Thu 01-Aug-13 14:41:19

For what it's worth I think you dealt with it really well, you didn't let them sweep it under the carpet, you let them know it was an offensive thing to say. Your poor baby with attitudes like that!

Festen Thu 01-Aug-13 22:59:38

Isn't it amazing what people say? Thanks for sharing your stories of daft family (and Doctor! shock) comments and of beautiful red haired children. grin

ShadowMeltingInTheSun Thu 01-Aug-13 23:13:45

That's a really nasty thing for your MIL to say.

I think ginger hair is beautiful - I was a bit disappointed that DS didn't turn out ginger, but maybe we'll have better luck with DC2!

Although on another note, DMum has told me that DC2 "has" to be a girl, because she's got enough grandsons now hmm Thanks for that mum. Let's hope she can contain her disappointment if DC2 is a boy...

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