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Dealing with gender disappointment - sorry for another thread

(123 Posts)
BoyMeetsWorld Fri 12-Jul-13 06:03:36

Really sorry for another gender disappointment thread; I know these create mixed emotions hmm really just need to get thoughts down in writing and talk to others as a way of moving forward.

So I already have an amazing DS who I brought up originally as a single mum and is my world. Now married (different dad) and DH & I are expecting. Found out yday at scan that baby is healthy and another boy.

DH is ecstatic as are his family - for them it's all about carrying on the family name. DS not really interested (he's 4) but mildly pleased that he guessed the correct gender. Lots of well meaning friends & family messaging me how sorry they are for me as everybody knew I had my heart set on a girl.

I really really did. I feel so alone in my family of boys sometimes - even the dog is a boy. Of course I love them, but I can't get excited about boy games, toys and tv programmes. In fact, all the trains and cars and fighting figures all over my pretty little house drive me insane. I'm not the sporty type, don't want to be getting dirty and play fighting. They mess everywhere up and don't care, make the toilets smelly, hate shopping and couldn't care less about watching any girly programmes or having pamper time.

My MIL messaged me when we found out saying at least il get "me" time now & to make sure DH takes them out lots to do boy things. But that's precisely what I didn't want...I feel so alone and like im grieving for the princess I'd imagined, named and planned life with.

I know boys are super affectionate. DS tells me lovely things regularly. That's part of the issue too - I can't imagine loving another boy as much as him: I've already got my little man.

I know this will anger some people but I can't help how I feel. I've cried almost constantly since we found out yesterday and haven't been able to sleep all night. Dreading going into work and facing everyone.

I need some ways to cope. I'm not convinced by the logic that when baby pops out everything will change and il adore him too. I didn't even overly want another baby - I did it for DH because he's taken on me and DS and desperately wanted one of his own. Now I feel so empty. I can't bond with the thought or with any names. Please tell me this will get better confused

redcaryellowcar Fri 12-Jul-13 06:17:42

I only have one ds so not sure I can help much but the way I look at it is my ds is a great advert for boys, I grew up in a house with sister mum and step father and many female pets most of my cousins were girls so when ds arrived he was quite a novelty! I am so pleased he is a boy and mums of other boys always say how loving and loyal they are.
hope you get on ok today. not sure if this helps, didn't want to read and run.

workingtitle Fri 12-Jul-13 06:19:39

Someone will come along and say something more insightful, but I just wanted to say it will get better. I had similar feelings albeit for very different reasons. But the rational part of my brain (!) has come around now.
I think the issue is partly that, at the moment, the baby is still an abstract--you are imagining this little human and what they'll be like. I honestly, honestly think that when you meet him you'll adore him no problem. Try to think of the baby as a person rather than a boy or girl - not easy I know when everything is so geared towards creating such a binary. Focus on what physical characteristics they might inherit from you and your DH, what traits...
It will get better, but give yourself a bit of time to have these feelings and work through them.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 12-Jul-13 06:44:53

I have two sons, they are both wonderful, loving and very very different. You will not just have a smaller version of your DS, you will have another child.

If you had had a DD, she could easily not have been as you have imagined. A tomboy who liked cars and climbing trees rather than a 'princess' - WTF??- who liked shopping and pampering. Not all girls and women like such things, I know I don't.

I suggest that you learn to like cars and dirt and being outdoors, and building things and looking at trains - if those are the things that your sons are interested in - otherwise you will be lonely, and it will be your own doing because you will have isolated yourself from your family.

I'm not going to say 'there there', because you shouldn't have planned a child if you weren't prepared to love it regardless of gender.

shelley72 Fri 12-Jul-13 06:45:39

Babies are just that. Babies. By the time your little one grows he will have a personality that you will have grown to love and you will wonder why you worried. I found when pg with my second that I worried about the impact on my my first, how could I ever love another being as much? But you do. You really do.

At the moment you are at the mercy of all those crazy hormones so be kind to yourself. Fwiw my second baby WAS a girl, and she is the least girly girl you could ever meet. If I'm painting toes, going out for coffee/shopping it's ds who wants to join in, not her. She is happy getting muddy in the garden, kicking a ball about and climbing trees. They are both very different but sex has little to do with it I think.

If you still feel down make sure you mention it to your midwife. And enjoy your bump and baby!

PumpkinPie2013 Fri 12-Jul-13 06:51:04

No advice really as I haven't experienced gender disappointment (20 wks with baby 1 but didn't ask what we were having as wanted a suprise)

I have four nephews who are also great adverts for boys- all really wonderful characters and loads of fun. The eldest who is now 16 was an usher at my wedding to dh (his uncle) last year. He looked amazing in his suit and really stepped up - I was so proud.

Your little boy will love having a brother - try if you can to imagine them playing together and having fun growing up.

Not all boys will be messy etc. I know and teach lots of boys who are kind, quiet and considerate alongside being full of fun and adventure. Eldest nephew mentioned above is now into fashion and loves going round the city shopping with his mother!

Also a girl will not necessarily be girly. My younger sister and my niece are/were both tomboys and love mud,cars bugs etc.

Perhaps have a chat with your mw about your feelings? Honestly I know it's a cliche but I'm sure once your lovely little boy is born you'll love him to bits!

Good luck I hope you feel better soon x

cravingcake Fri 12-Jul-13 06:54:21

Sorry i cant offer any advice but i have this feeling too. I have a lovely little boy already and am currently pregnant (11 weeks) with our second and last baby. I would just love to have a girl but am trying to convince myself that another boy will be just as much fun. The only thing that i can think of at the moment is that i know what i'm doig with a boy so will make it easier, and after seeing a lot of my friends who have girls they all say that boys are much cuddlier and affectionate than boys.

You are not alone in how you feel, obviously we all want a healthy baby but the disappointment in finding out baby is not the gender you hoped for is a bit like a little bereavement, where everything you had planned in your mind has gone. Time will help. And you have 20 something weeks to get your head around it.

Could you do a bonding scan in 3d/4d to help you?

On a light hearted note, one of your boys could turn out to be gay and love shopping & pampering grin

Queazy Fri 12-Jul-13 07:07:46

It sounds like you're still coming to terms with having a baby at all (if you mainly had another for DH) so this is like a double blow. Speak to your midwife about how low you're feeling, and make sure you get some time with just you and DS2 when he's born. I think what you're feeling is natural, as its all mixed up with pregnancy hormones, high hopes and uncertainty about the future. For what it's worth, I think gender wont matter when he's here as you'll love him to bits, but give yourself time. xx

Gobbolinothewitchscat Fri 12-Jul-13 07:11:25

Er.....the baby doesn't need to be "gay" to enjoy shopping, FFS hmm

Agree with alibabba that you really don't know what type of personality the new baby will have.

We were a very girl family but all of the 4 grandchildren are boys (including my DS) and all very different

I think whatever sex of child you have and whatever their personalities, you need to do activities that they enjoy and you get enjoyment from their enjoyment. My parents had 2 girls and I still have fond memories of being taken to Myittle Pony and Carebear films by my dad!

Get over it - you chose to have another child if you couldn't cope with another boy you shouldn't have gone ahead. Be pleased your scan showed a healthy baby.

Join in with the 'boy' games and enjoy your boys stop standing on the sidelines being a princess and grow up a bit.

Roshbegosh Fri 12-Jul-13 07:17:57

You knew there was a fifty fifty chance when you chose to have a baby. At the scan was the heart, brain, limbs, spine, face, kidneys, etc etc alright or is it just the genitals that are wrong? If it had been a girl it might not have been your princess, she would have had her own personality and may not have filled the gap in your life. I know I am not being supportive but what a fucking attitude when you have a lovely healthy boy. Why have a baby if there is a fifty fifty chance of it being such a huge disappoinment to you?

Sleepthief Fri 12-Jul-13 07:46:16

I agree that it's a bit irresponsible to have another baby if you had your heart so set on a girl.

Of course it's easier for me to say as I've never suffered gender disappointment. However, I'm on baby number four and from the 12-week scan last the sonographer took an educated guess that it was a boy, bringing my grand total of boys to four grin. Do I wish he was a girl? No. Would I swap any of my boys for girl? No, because although I enjoy clothes, shopping, romcoms etc I love my children infinitely more. And I certainly didn't have them in order to facilitate trips to the nail bar [erm]

We are also constantly astounded at how different all three kids are despite not only being the same sex, but having the same parents and upbringing!

And as an aside, as a student I had a summer job cleaning the public toilets in my (seaside) town. By far the women's were much, much worse [vomming emoticon]

Sleepthief Fri 12-Jul-13 07:47:26

Sorry, should add that I hope you manage to get over your disappointment and love your little boy as he deserves.

BoyMeetsWorld Fri 12-Jul-13 07:47:59

Thank you for some very helpful posts so far - as mentioned, I knew this topic always elicits mixed emotions so expected the nasty ones.

I think only those who have in some way experienced these feelings can understand. It is in no way as simple as just 'getting a grip' and getting on with it. They are very powerful overwhelming feelings, particularly with uncontrollable hormones in the mix hence why I created a post looking for ways to cope: simply writing my thoughts down and some of the responses on here have helped a little to do that but it's still very raw, iv not had 24 hrs yet to get my head around it.

I would just like to say: trying to find ways to cope is in itself a way of dealing with it. Of course I'll never let my children know how I feel. I've already said I accept I'll probably feel different when he comes but iv got 20 long weeks of feeling like this to get through first. & for all those helpfully saying I just shouldnt have had another baby - I don't wish to explain my personal situation, but as touched upon having a baby wasn't what I would have 'chosen' for myself at all in any way shape or form. But i love my DH very much and this was incredibly important to him, plus I do know it will be good for my DS to have a companion. Do you honestly think I wouldn't have tried to persuade DH against it a little more though if I'd realised I would feel as devastated as this???? It takes you by surprise.

I think if I can try to imagine him & pick a name I really love it may help. At the moment I just feel very very empty and sad even though I don't want to. I am looking forward to going through all the lovely clothes and toys I saved from DS1, but I'm concerned my positive feelings towards those are regarding happy memories of DS1 rather than new happy feelings for DS2. We have booked a 4d scan - thank you to whoever suggested that - & I think seeing his little face for 'real' will help massively.

BoyMeetsWorld Fri 12-Jul-13 07:47:59

Thank you for some very helpful posts so far - as mentioned, I knew this topic always elicits mixed emotions so expected the nasty ones.

I think only those who have in some way experienced these feelings can understand. It is in no way as simple as just 'getting a grip' and getting on with it. They are very powerful overwhelming feelings, particularly with uncontrollable hormones in the mix hence why I created a post looking for ways to cope: simply writing my thoughts down and some of the responses on here have helped a little to do that but it's still very raw, iv not had 24 hrs yet to get my head around it.

I would just like to say: trying to find ways to cope is in itself a way of dealing with it. Of course I'll never let my children know how I feel. I've already said I accept I'll probably feel different when he comes but iv got 20 long weeks of feeling like this to get through first. & for all those helpfully saying I just shouldnt have had another baby - I don't wish to explain my personal situation, but as touched upon having a baby wasn't what I would have 'chosen' for myself at all in any way shape or form. But i love my DH very much and this was incredibly important to him, plus I do know it will be good for my DS to have a companion. Do you honestly think I wouldn't have tried to persuade DH against it a little more though if I'd realised I would feel as devastated as this???? It takes you by surprise.

I think if I can try to imagine him & pick a name I really love it may help. At the moment I just feel very very empty and sad even though I don't want to. I am looking forward to going through all the lovely clothes and toys I saved from DS1, but I'm concerned my positive feelings towards those are regarding happy memories of DS1 rather than new happy feelings for DS2. We have booked a 4d scan - thank you to whoever suggested that - & I think seeing his little face for 'real' will help massively.

Bunbaker Fri 12-Jul-13 07:50:31

One of my friends has a girl and a boy. The girl is very tomboyish and the boy prefers girly things. You can't assume that a girl is going to be girly and like girly things.

As someone who had fertility problems - it took 17 years to conceive my one and only child, I think YABU and should get over yourself.

Queazy Fri 12-Jul-13 07:51:50

I think OP is prob well aware that's she's lucky to have a healthy baby. However, even if no one would like to admit it, I'm sure others have had hopes for a particular gender and felt a bit of disappointment when it didn't happen that way. It's not about growing up, it's about coming to terms with the fact you're going to have a different experience than you imagined or dreamed about, but just as great. I didn't find out what I'm having, as I genuinely feel lucky to be having a baby at all.

Of course others would only dream to be in a position to have a baby, let alone discuss its gender, but if we're going to chastise anyone who complains or feels unhappy about their pregnancy, we'd need to wipe out half the threads on the Pregnancy discussion board!!!!


SoupDragon Fri 12-Jul-13 07:52:26

Ignore the people who are being unsupportive. Clearly they have no idea what an emotional response is and that you haven't chosen to feel this way.

I had this with DS2. DS1's birth had been so horrible that this was going to be my last. I found out, by accident, a few days before he was born that he was a boy and not a girl to make the "one-of-each" set. I had a few days to "mourn" the DD I wouldn't have and by the time DS2 arrived I loved him and was delighted by him with no hint of disappointment whatsoever. There were no negative emotions to taint his birth.

Fast forward 5 years... I find out I'm expecting a girl. Was a happy? No, I was pissed off that my boy gang was ruined! No rhyme or reason at all. Obviously love her to bits too smile

FWIW, shopping with an opinionated 7 year old girl isn't the most pleasant experience on the planet. smile

It's not a rational feeling and, deep down, I think you know that and will realise it. Go easy on yourself. Two boys are fabulous smile

5madthings Fri 12-Jul-13 07:55:26

Sorry but i agree witj ali and i think you need to address your gender stereotyping tbh. I have four boys and they are all very diffeent. One loves pink and sparkly and what you would assume are 'girly' things.

My daughter loves dinosaurs and trains and rumning around and getting dirty...

Children are individuals.

harryhausen Fri 12-Jul-13 07:55:30

I'm so sorry you feel this way.

I have a dd and a ds. Would it help at all to say that my dd hates all pink, shopping, princess's etc? She's more likely to leave fighter figure toys lying around than my ds. I can't help getting somewhat flummoxed on MN sometimes when I hear this " girls are all quiet, lovely, gentle princesses" nonsense.

You may have had a 'pink' girl, you may not have. What you will have is an amazing new ds who will be different to anyone else. He will be himself and you will love him totally.

Love grows, it doesn't get halved.

I think this is just new baby wobbles and feeling overwhelmed. It will be fine x

CheeseFondueRocks Fri 12-Jul-13 08:01:07

I just wanted to say that I totally know how you feel and there's no reason to be ashamed.

I have one DD and am currently pregnant with DC2. I don't know what we're having but I really want another girl. If I find out we're having a boy I'll be devastated. I just don't want a son. I know that if DC2 Is a boy, I will have to make my peace with it and I'll love him anyway. Who knows, it might not be that bad in realty. But for now, I'm hoping so hard for another little girl.

CheeseFondueRocks Fri 12-Jul-13 08:02:24

And for me it has nothing to do with pink princessy stuff or shopping etc. DD doesn't have any pink stuff or princess things. It's just my personal feelings that I have for whatever reason.

Excited85 Fri 12-Jul-13 08:03:23

For what it's worth I think it's good you've found out the sex, as at least you can deal with your feelings now rather than when baby is here. And as it gives you a better idea of the little one inside I do believe it is slightly easier to bond. Just get used to thinking of your bump as he and not it and get planning names - focussing on little activities like these should help reinforce the sex as a positive thing for you and hopefully as the birth gets closer your excitement will grow x

WinkyWinkola Fri 12-Jul-13 08:04:24

I have 3 ds's and one dd. my dd is my second child. She is the most tomboy girl ever. She hates dresses and skirts etc. I get mildly annoyed because I think it's great that girls can wear both trousers and skirts and she's restricting her options. Whatever. It doesn't really matter.

I cried at each of my scans when I found out the gender. I mourned the fact that I had to let 50% of my fantasy go. And that was also when I found out dd was a girl.

When the baby arrives, you will love him. You will.

Don't fall for the nonsense (bollocks actually) that little girls are for shopping with and deeper bonding. It's such crap and actually very insulting to girls.

BoyMeetsWorld Fri 12-Jul-13 08:04:47

Thanks so much Queasy and Soupy xx I'm usually an advocate of tough love myself but in this instance it really isn't helping - I know full well these are irrational feelings but that doesn't make them any less real of overpowering.

It also doesn't help that my best friend who I sit with at work is having fertility issues & I know full well would love to be in my position so got to go in now and act happy.

I accept what people are saying about gender stereotypes. However, one things for sure: with another boy there is not even a chance il be buying lots of pink, any little dresses, playing ponies or painting their nails. So it is very final.

I know it will be ok...better than ok. But right now, it's not.

MuggledWoman Fri 12-Jul-13 08:04:48

This is exactly why I haven't found out gender (had 20 wk scan for dc2 this week). If you know you're going to be disappointed, why give yourself 20 weeks to think about it...I can't imagine you'd be disappointed if you'd found out while having your new baby handed to you for the first time.

Also, without meaning to sound too harsh, I know so many people struggling to have kids and it took.us 1yr + this time around, so perhaps you should just be grateful you'll have two healthy children. My ds is fab and I'll be thrilled to give him a little brother or sister.

WinkyWinkola Fri 12-Jul-13 08:05:44

CheeseFondue, do you know why you want a girl in particular?

harryhausen Fri 12-Jul-13 08:10:10

Have you ever searched yourself as to why you feel so strongly Cheese? In being goady, just interested.

I had my dd first. Totally natural to me. I come from a family of countless sisters, nieces, girl cousins, aunts. With my 2nd dc, I presumed it would be another girl. Of course it wasn't. I was shocked but instantly delighted.

My dd and my ds aren't that much different. Ds just likes Star Wars a bit moregrin

Enelya Fri 12-Jul-13 08:11:27

I read a book recently that suggested imagination is stronger than will power. At the moment you are trying to overcome your feelings about the little girl you had imagined by will power and it is very difficult. You might find it easier to create new imaginings about the future to focus on. Sounds woo, but is helping me a lot right now.

BoyMeetsWorld Fri 12-Jul-13 08:16:53

Actually Enelya that's really helpful. What sort of imaginings do you think would be most powerful?

workingtitle Fri 12-Jul-13 08:27:28

I like that, Enelya. I agree, it's about re-forming that abstract little person and your growing family in your mind as something positive. Good luck BoyMeetsWorld - I'm sure you'll be OK X

DowntonTrout Fri 12-Jul-13 08:27:53

If that is how you feel, that is how you feel. It doesn't help for people to say "oh just get over it" . That is not to say you won't get over it, you will, but at the moment you are mourning for the little girl that you had hoped for.

I know how it feels. I have been totally irrational like that. When I had my DS, I was disappointed he wasn't a girl. I used to wander around clothes shops and see all the beautiful little girls things and hated the endless blue/grey/green t shirts and jeans for boys.

Then I married my now dh and had 2 DDs. After the first girl, I hoped my 3rd child would be a boy. I wanted DH to have a son. It took a long time for my to come to terms with it being a girl. Now she is the apple of everyone's eye. Looking back, I know I was completely unreasonable both times and probably hormonal, though there were genuine reasons why I didn't want another girl.

I'm not trying to excuse it. I was just the way I felt at the time. I love all my DCs.

stella1w Fri 12-Jul-13 08:37:17

I felt the same was as op. It is about something deeper than pink dresses. I had no interest in boys names and no interest in boys activities. It is not because i wanted a shopping mate, but more that i could not relate to boys. I love ds as much as dd but i would have preferred two dds.

CheeseFondueRocks Fri 12-Jul-13 08:39:15

I wish I knew why I feel this way. I have a very toxic relationship with my mother which has messed me up in a lot of ways but I can't logically understand that this would influence my feelings. It must be some sort of psychological issue. I know it's my problem and nothing that is "wrong" with boys.

Funnily, when I was pregnant with DD I wanted a girl but wasn't too bothered about having a boy. I was so happy when we found out we were having a girl and I always said, before DD was born, that as long as I have 1 girl, I don't mind what gender DC2 is. Weirdly that changed as soon as DD was born and I started to only be able to imagine my family with 2 girls.

Again, I feel that as long as I can have 2 daughters, I wouldn't mind if a third DC was a boy but because I have (had) Hyperemesis in both pregnancies, we have decided that for the sake of our family we have to stick with 2 DC so the whole girl issue has become more acute again.

At a stretch I could imagine that this "fantasy" family I have in mind has been shaped my my dad's second family. I have 3 (half) sisters, they are quite close in age, and while they also have had their normal fights while growing up, they have been and still are the best of friends. I always feel a little bit of an outsider amongst them. They just have such a strong "sisterhood" bond and I want that for my DD. I know fine well that this has just as much to to with personality as it has with gender.

We have picked a boys name as well as a girls one but for some reason, I still cannot picture myself with a little son.

Enelya Fri 12-Jul-13 08:42:30

Maybe some things that you love the best about the males in your life already? What characteristics of your DH might you see in a little boy? How amazing it will be to see all 3 of your special boys together?

I'm using it for food issues myself, but it is worth a shot. It's a good way of acknowledging that you feel a certain way, but just because you feel one thing it doesn't stop you feeling other more positive things as well.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Fri 12-Jul-13 08:45:25

Doesn't help that everyone around you seems to know about your preference - a mistake to share this I think but it's done now. I would say fake it till you make it. Go into the office and say the scan showed a boy and now that's happened you are so excited about another son, boys together will be great, you will be special as only woman in the house etc. Talk honestly to a counsellor about it, but put your game face on for the general public IYSWIM.

CheeseFondueRocks Fri 12-Jul-13 08:47:39

Enelya, you made me realise something.
Maybe I don't want a boy because I know that DH was an absolute horror as a child. He was really high maintenance, always the one to get into trouble. He turned into a lovely adult but I really couldn't deal with a child like he was. And I guess I just feel that a boy is more likely to be like his family side than mine.

harryhausen Fri 12-Jul-13 08:52:20

Interesting Cheese. I think our experiences do influence our desires/fantasies.

I had nothing but positive female influences growing up and so couldn't ever imagine having a boy. However it's true of the age old idea that when they hand you that child, you can't imagine them any different.

I'll admit I've found my boy much, much harder to deal with than my dd. He's unpredictable, whiney, a bit 'anal' about his toy collections, climbs everything - but he's so funny, gentle, clever etc. Looking around my friends with different genders and same genders, I feel this is mostly down to personalitysmile

Enelya Fri 12-Jul-13 09:09:26

I have found I can tell myself sensible things til I am blue in the face, but despite initial reluctance on my part I have found that positive visualisations are a much more effective way of changing my feelings. Like Cheese says, if you can pin point why you feel a certain way it may be easier to design a visualisation that counters it.

Or look online for general pregnancy bonding ones, and focus on the amazing individual you are nurturing inside you right now, and start building a special connection that is irrelevant of gender.

Actually soupdragon I do know what an emotional response is, I had an awful 20wk scan with my DS spent he next week thinking we were going to lose him but were then given he all clear by a consultant. Only to find out 15 weeks later that he had a different rare condition that he spent a lot of the first year of his life in and out of hospitals for (thankfully he's fine now)
So posts like the OPs really piss me off because she doesn't realise how fucking lucky she is when all she's complaining about is not being able to buy dresses and go to nail bars!

IsItMeOr Fri 12-Jul-13 09:37:53

OP, you feel what you feel, and that's okay. I know you're not going to act on it.

I would suggest you get a bit more specific about some of the experiences you would like to have with your children, and set about trying to create them with the children you have.

So, I accidentally discovered that 4yo DS gets very excited to have a Lush bathbomb in his bath.

I've made sure that he has a fair range of gender neutral toys around (so non-pink fairy wings a la Tree Fu Tom), dolls house, puppet theatre, play kitchen, etc. And we're trying hard to limit the (seemingly inevitable) dominance of fighting/superhero toys - although Lego, Lego, Lego is rising tide-like through our house.

At DS's request, I have shown him how to make patterns on fabric with my sewing machine, hand sewn christmas tree decorations and had a go at knitting. He happily spent an hour at a pottery cafe decorating a mug (pirate themed...). I'm pretty sure he'd go for having his nails painted if offered.

So, I'm not saying that you will be able to indulge your pink clothes imaginings (although DS did choose to dress up in a rather pretty cerise and flowery dress at the museum the other day). But try getting your imagination going on things that you could do with a child.

jellybeans Fri 12-Jul-13 09:45:03

I was a bit 'scared' of having boys (had DDs first) and until I had my own I didn't appreciate other peoples. However once I had my own I realised they are just as nice as girls in every way. If I have anymore DCs I would love boy or girl.

Some of my friends who had boys first were 'desperate' for girls and when they got one (3rd time in most cases) they did the whole pandering to the princess thing. They have 'girly nights' etc etc and seem to go way overboard with the stereotypes. I have never been like that with my girls, they always wore jeans, weren't into pink, played with cars etc.

These threads are hard for me too as got told at 20 weeks there were severe probably fatal problems, that is devastation-not having a healthy baby albeit of a different gender!

SignoraStronza Fri 12-Jul-13 09:46:00

As someone who's ex threw a strop at the scan when he discovered dc1 was a girl, I can understand your disappointment in a way (I was quite happy to be having a girl but miserable because the abusive fucker he was).

Have dd2 now and needed plenty of reassurance that dh was happy with the idea of a house full of girls (he was over the moon with a healthy baby).

TBH we still refer to her as 'it' or 'the baby'. There is nothing remotely pink or princessy about her (yet) and I try to choose gender neutral clothes to mix with her sister's hand me downs on the offchance that when we have dc3 it will be a boy.

DC1 (6) quite likes dresses but also loves mud, superheroes and motorbikes.

Not what you wish to hear op, but knowing plenty of people whose children have severe disabilities, am quite happy with healthy babies regardless of gender.

BabsAndTheRu Fri 12-Jul-13 09:52:27

My DP's mother was like this but would express to her sons her disappointment of not having a girl. Never took any interest in their activities, any time I was pregnant she kept saying I hope its not a boy. Had to take her aside and ask her to stop this. As a result of all this her sons have no relationship with her and have openly admitted they don't like her as they always knew she didn't want them, so sad. I have two DS's and one DD( baby). We go camping, play football, climb trees, water fights in this weather, worm hunts etc etc. Its great fun being a big kid again and DD joins in. Today is picnic and monster hunt in the glen. DP has no memory of his mum ever joining in. Don't be like her op, kids do pick up on these things.

TalkativeJim Fri 12-Jul-13 10:05:39

OP, I think a lot of this might be to do with the fact that you felt ambivalent about having another baby full stop.

When your baby arrives, you know you'll love him 100%

And when you have two children instead of one boy, you'll find out first hand that every child, be they girl or boy, is unique. Your two boys will be totally different people and you will have totally different experiences of parenthood with them.

Gender stereotypes are really a bit of a nonsense.

That said, I am a bit on the fence about gender disappointment. Women on here get an abolute slating for admitting that a lot of them wish for a girl over a boy, with lots of sneers about being obsessed with pretty pink dresses and shopping trips. But nine times out of ten, I don't see that, I see a woman saying that, if she had the choice, she'd like her immediate family to contain at least one person of her own gender. Moreover, in all other areas on this site, relationships between women are celebrated and gven high status, even to the point of women who say they get on better with men or are 'men's women' being slated. Then, when a pregnant woman says, actually, I'd like to give birth to another woman and have a female relationship in my immediate family - she is slated. It's odd (and that's before you even get to the MIL bogeyman!)

FobblyWoof Fri 12-Jul-13 10:07:03

I'm confused. I get the wanting one sex over another. I wanted a girl in my first pregnancy, this time I really don't mind either way but I do know what it's like to have a preference. However, from your OP it sounds like you've already chosen exactly what interests your new DS will have. How do you know he'll like trains? You're assuming that he will because A) he's a boy and B) your older DS likes/has liked trains. And why we're you under the assumption that a girl would have loved to do the things you like doing?

When I was little I loved trains and cars and shunned anything girly. That doesn't make me weird, it just makes me me. As an adult I would consider myself girly now but that doesn't mean I like pampering etc. I don't.

The differences you've described in your OP have nothing to do with whether your baby has a penis or a vagina, more social conditioning of what roles boys and girls are supposed to fit into. The Let Toys Be Toys campaign is a good one to follow for more information on that.

I'm not trying to say you shouldn't be disappointed, but I don't think you should be disappointed over some of the things you've listed.

As I said at the top, I really, really desperately wanted a girl in my first pregnancy (I think a lot of it had to do with the fact I loved the name we had picked), and I got my girl. But I don't mind whether she likes ponies or quad bikes- its whatever she wants to be and what she wants with her life that matters. I'm sure you feel the same about your children and that once the baby is here and has his own little personality that you can see blossoming everyday that you'll soon forget any disappointment.

PearlyWhites Fri 12-Jul-13 10:14:05

To the extremely nasty posters on this thread obviously you have never experienced gender disappointment.
Op thanks

Roshbegosh Fri 12-Jul-13 10:25:23

Fondly is right, the child is an individual and maybe OP would have been disappointed down the line if she had a DD but they didn't want to be in her princess mould. Like I said earlier on this bread, if you aren't comfortable with the fifty fifty risk don't get pregnant. I do feel sorry for a baby coming into this world with a cloud over them, before they are even born, just because of their gender. It makes me angry and no pearlywhite, I haven't experienced gender disappointment because my love for a baby is not so conditional.

Roshbegosh Fri 12-Jul-13 10:28:41

Thread, not bread

Roshbegosh Fri 12-Jul-13 10:29:18

Fobbly, not fondly

5madthings Fri 12-Jul-13 10:31:41

I second the let toys be toys campaign on fb.

A lot of what you say is stereotypes. My two younger boys both like my little ponies and regularly get their nails/toe nails painted. Ds3's fave colours are pink and purple. Their fancy dress box contains a massive range including fairy and princess dresses and tutus etc. Which yes ds3 wears.

Contrast to dd who at two years old is getting picky over her clothes and yrsterday insisted on wearing her dinosaur pj's all day. Today she has chosen short dungarees and a long sleeved top.

Champagnebubble Fri 12-Jul-13 10:33:14

Me and my brother are so similar, despite gender differences. We were brought up the same my mum never highlighted gender biases and let us go where our interests were. These days my brother loves cooking (I hate it), watching TV with my mum, he is sensitive, calls her up for chats now we've both grown up and moved out. When we were younger I'd play in the mud, I didn't like princessy clothes, my brother is and was really into his clothes (I pity his girlfriend as she has no wardrobe space!). I used to play with dolls and cars (so did my brother - granted, his doll game was probably more to tease me as his sister but he had a range of toys).

My point is your children are individuals. They have their own personalities. Who says a girl is going to be like you say? My mum would have been disappointed if she'd been wanting a girly girl as I'm naturally not really like that. I hated dance and ballet, long hair, dressing up. I'm not saying I shunned all girly stereotypical things but I'm my own person. My brother is the same he is his own person.

I get why you want one of each OP, I think I'd be delighted if I had a girl and a boy, but I'd actually be more happy that they were healthy and happy individuals. You can't also predetermine what a 'boy' is. Yes, it will technically be one female and the rest of the house males. Don't decide what they will be like before you've met them. It could be this baby as it grows up wants to watch TV with mum, go shopping with mum and that's fine. Teach your boys how to clean the toilet and be tidy, a good skill for any child (oh and living with girls at uni, i can tell you the bathroom was far messier with girls using it than my brother any day, make up everywhere and none of them bothered to clean it, my brother on the other hand did!)

yamsareyammy Fri 12-Jul-13 10:34:12

Are you quite wealthy op?

yamsareyammy Fri 12-Jul-13 10:36:48

You dont have to answer that if you dont want to.
I have seen threads like this before, and often the ops are wealthy.
They are used to a certain amount of control in thier lives, and it comes as a bit of a shock to discover that in such a major thing as this, they cant control the situation.

Thurlow Fri 12-Jul-13 10:39:27

I always imagined having boys. I found at the gender at 20w because if it was a girl, I felt I needed time to get rid of those years of imaginings of my future family. I was so scared of finding out when I gave birth and having a disappointed reaction then, silly as that sounds.

We had a girl. As others have said, she is her own person and that is what you fall in love with, not a gender. Now I can't imagine having a son! And really, you can't tell the difference between a girl and a boy as a baby other than how you wipe after a nappy grin

It's good that you can acknowledge these feelings now. Just take your time and start thinking about your new son, start thinking of his name, and time will help this disappointment pass. But you're never wrong to feel how you feel. Better to acknowledge this and face up to it than to mull over it to the extent that it could affect your relationship when you son is born.

harryhausen Fri 12-Jul-13 10:52:24

Fobbly is so right. Pearlywhites, I haven't seen all the 'really nasty posters on this thread'.

Just one person said the OP should consider herself lucky. Everyone else has tried to reassure and in a small way help the OP.


harryhausen Fri 12-Jul-13 10:53:21

Or even the "extremely nasty posters on this thread".

MaryKatharine Fri 12-Jul-13 10:55:41

It's all very well to tell the OP that she is stereotyping but its disingenuous to say that boys and girls and the parenting of them is the same. It simply isn't. I have 2 of each and I can categorically say that although they are all different from each other, there is still a difference between daughters and sons and it is true, no denying it, that girls do tend to stay closer to their others as they get older. YY,I'm sure lots of people will try and counter my post by saying that they have never been close to their other or that their DH is very close to his but, statistically, it is daughters who maintain that very close relationship into adulthood.
Both my mother and my MIL are dead now but when both were alive, I had lots of contact with them. My eldest saw them regularly but it was my own mother that I called 'just to chat' and it was my own mother that I went out just for a cuppa with. It was my own mother that came wedding dress shopping with me etc.

I know I'll get flamed for this and I'm sorry if it doesn't help you, OP! I'm not in any way thing to be cruel but just feel its importan to counter all this ' they are no different' bull as that is not remotely helpful to you right now. Neither is tough love and telling you to get over it. All that will help is time because in time this 'pbaby in your belly will become your son who will smile lovingly at you and run to you for cuddles when he trip over and call mama in the night when he wakes from a bad dream. You WILL love him. It will just take time. smile

Bluemonkeyspots Fri 12-Jul-13 10:57:00

Why is it always boys that people are disappointed with? You never hear of people being sad they are having little girls.

I have four girls and really don't get the big deal about having girls at all, obviously I love them all to bits and could not imagine them being any different than the lovely gorgeous happy little people they are but that's because they are mine and dh's children not because they are girls rather than boys.

Plus as someone up thread said its amazing how 4dc of the same sex with the same parents and upbringing can be so wildly different.

TimidLivid Fri 12-Jul-13 10:58:29

I had this and was upset as dc2 was a girl as I had a horrible relationship with my mum and didn't want that and as I am not girly. She was wonderful then I cried that dc3 wasn't a girl and I was getting ds1 again who was difficult but I adored. There is no sense to it but the sad feeling is terrible. But babies are lovely I loved them both so much. And ds2 is like DS1 he's worse if u will but I completely adore him he fills me up. I know how sad u get but as times passes I don't feel it anymore and hopefully it will be that way for you.

Ipp3 Fri 12-Jul-13 11:00:32

I think fantasising about your perfect child often leads to disappointment. Children are their own people. You might have had a tomboy girl, not a princess's one who wanted pamper time with you. My goddaughter vehemently hates all things girly! My little boy is certainly not the contented baby I imagined but I don't love him the less for it.

WinkyWinkola Fri 12-Jul-13 11:02:23

Wise words, TalkativeJim. And you do being up interesting points.

I really dislike the pov that I've had it very much harder than you so stop feeling the way you do.

Yes, disappointment over the sex of your baby is perhaps indulgent.

But it exists and in order to mitigate any long term effects, it's often better to air these feelings on MN without the simplistic "Oh get over it." That is a bullshit response. And not helpful.

harryhausen Fri 12-Jul-13 11:03:38

BlueMonkeyspots, I have heard people say they really want boys. A few women in my antenatal class were very vocal about it.
My dsis had 3 girls. She was told repeatedly on the birth of her 3rd girl how 'disappointing ' it must be. Her Dmil has never quite got over it.

All her girls are older now. All amazing girls and couldn't be more different.

I don't really understand it all either.

EldritchCleavage Fri 12-Jul-13 11:09:27

I am sorry you're struggling with this. All I can say is, imagine a different way of doing things. You don't have to do the conventional 'boy' things, and don't let yourself be the odd one out in your family.

Your boys will love and adore their mummy and be happy to do things that are more your bag. It's partly about making fewer assumptions based on gender, but also partly about asserting yourself within the family.

Champagnebubble Fri 12-Jul-13 11:19:14

MaryKatherine I get why you say that girls statistically stay closer as sometimes it is true and the age old theory is that, BUT...I disagree as it isn't always the case, I think it depends on family relationships, and the individual children and their personalities I really do, not based on gender. My brother calls our parents more than me, and my DH speaks to his parents every few days too and both left home years ago. I've discussed this same point with friends in the past who say the same - their brother is just as close, if not closer. My brother and I are both close to our parents and we both see them regularly, the fact I'm a girl and he is a boy has no bearing on it. My mum has said in the past she brought my brother and I up in the same way - as individuals, nothing to do with our genders. Her parenting style was just the same. Interestingly we are both very similar as adults.

It's an interesting topic.

WinkyWinkola Fri 12-Jul-13 11:20:25

Most of my friends wanted and got boys. A couple of them said they remembered how vile they were as teens and didn't want to live that with dds. And another one said she had always admired her older brother and his friends and wanted that in her life.

All still fantasy stuff but I certainly don't think women just want girls at all.

BoyMeetsWorld Fri 12-Jul-13 11:22:44

Yams - no we're not particularly wealthy, distinctly average actually.

Still think its interesting how people firmly believe having children is purely the woman's choice ie 'don't have one if you wouldn't be happy either way'. In a situation like mine there are 3 options: 1)divorce husband you love very much 2)no child, husband loses a life dream & key priority 3)have child and accept whatever you get / having a child when you wouldn't otherwise. I decided that I'd rather compromise and I repeat yet again - I WILL love my baby. There's no question of that. We've got a perfectly good home life to offer the baby. I just need time to 'grieve' and get my head round this for the next 20 weeks until he's actually here in front of me.

Of course i know how lucky I am baby's healthy. Despite my gender feelings, I still lay there with baited breath throughout the scan that anything was wrong, especially when i had to go for a walk so they could check his heart again - that was far and away the most important thing. But it can't change my feelings, however much I don't want to have them.

I think some other posters have explained it much better than me. It's NOT all purely about pink, sparkles and shopping - that's just part of the fantasy I created that is now gone. It's about feeling I identify more with girls, and not feeling so left out in a house full of boys when I don't enjoy all the things they do. Of course I take an interest. Of course I adore my son/s...but you can't force yourself to connect if you don't. It's even partially at a silly level that I had a name we really loved. & every single time I see a little girl or am in the girls clothes sections in shops I feel a 'pang': I can't help that.

There have been a few really helpful suggestions on here. Im going to have a 4d scan. Im going to try visualisation. I'm going to get all DS' old clothes out and sort through them to remind me how cute they were. & I'm trying to persuade DH to let me name DS2 after my beloved dad who died as this would mean the world to me but at the moment he's having none of it hmm people at work are really helping too - they know me well & know these feelings are unlike me. I just can't help it but it will pass.

BoyMeetsWorld Fri 12-Jul-13 11:24:43

Also thanks for the great post from the poster who suggested alternative boys toys ie Tree Fu Tom and shops etc. this was always my plan with DS but despite efforts he's never been interested in anything but swords, guns, ninjas and trains: possibly because both his dad and my DH are very blokey blokes who definitely encourage him to be like that

chocolatecrispies Fri 12-Jul-13 11:29:28

I have a little boy whose favourite colors are pink and yellow, who loves nice clothes and having his nails painted and whose favourite thing to do is dance and put on shows. He has always loved sparkly things and chooses pink options if given the choice. I give him the choice. I do know where you are coming from but please don't restrict your child's chance to express their individuality because of their gender - life is too short. If you like pink, buy pink!

yamsareyammy Fri 12-Jul-13 11:32:49

My own disappointment lasted all of 30 minutes. [had girls later on]
For me it was about I now had a lovely baby person, full of possibilities, not a baby gender iykwim.
And I am naturally inquisitive, so I thought, ok, now I am going to learn a lot more about the world of boys and men. No bad thing, imo.

Maybe part of the problem, for you personally is, that the men in your family sort of take over?

You may yet get a girl btw.

Phantomteadrinker Fri 12-Jul-13 11:52:55

I have 2 very different boys and, I'm ashamed to say massively shocked myself as i had similar feelings when I found out I was having a boy, not so much because he was a boy but because I wanted a little girl as well if that makes sense. I didn't expect those feelings and I was pretty disgusted with myself but couldn't help it at the same time. But, I had a word with myself and reminded myself that I was incredibly lucky to be having a beautiful healthy baby and that I had no right to be disappointed and rob my baby or myself of enjoying my pregnancy,planning and getting excited for his arrival.

From the minute ds2 was born, I've adored him and can honestly say that I've never ever had those feelings again and he is my beautiful, stroppy, funny little monkey who I wouldn't change for the world. The relationship 2 brothers have is really special, my 2 have the same age gap as yours (now 4 and 10mths) and I love watching them together with the littlest getting slightly more naughty every day and his hero worship of the biggest. its just the best and there is certainly nothing missing in our house, not really how a girl would fit in actually!

EldritchCleavage Fri 12-Jul-13 12:06:06

his dad and my DH are very blokey blokes who definitely encourage him to be like that

Maybe this is partly then about the wider family dynamic? I do get that. I had DS then was worried about having a girl 2nd time around because of the bizarre girl-favouritism in DH's family (SIL is golden child, DH was quite badly bullied by family). I was also worried about having a boy, because PIL would be disappointed with another boy and would probably ignore him. In the end, I had a girl, MIL died and FIL ignores us all anyway. Ho hum.

It's understandable, but that is why you have to fight for your own space where you interact with them how you want. My sister has 2 boys and was very firm about not just being the person who did their laundry but also had fun with them, influenced them and was looked up to by them in the same way as their father. It's not about competing with your DH but having the status and influence with your kids that you want to have.

Hmm. When I found out dd2 was indeed dd2 I was a bit upset. I wanted one of each very much.

When I think about having a third I imagine a ds.

dd2 is amazing, I love her to bits, glad she's here. I would like a son though. For me dd2 hasnt taken away a desire for a son but it has become a separate subject to having a second child.

I am a bit jealous of friends with one of each (they're always the ones who say gender is unimportant...). I never tell anyone I feel like this, but dh and I both talk about wanting a son still.

Your emotions will calm down into something less raw and more bearable as you know. Just ride this out as best you can.

SoupDragon Fri 12-Jul-13 12:54:56

Actually soupdragon I do know what an emotional response is

I suspect you misunderstood. I meant that it is a response that comes up and takes you by surprise - it's not expected and just how your emotions have manifested in the way that all emotions are unbidden. Not simply feeling distressed at a distressing situation.

So posts like the OPs really piss me off because she doesn't realise how fucking lucky she is when all she's complaining about is not being able to buy dresses and go to nail bars!

That's utter nonsense though. Leaving the OP out because I can't speak for her. I can say that I was well aware how "fucking lucky" I was to be having a child. I couldn't be certain he would be healthy as the late scan showed up a kidney problem but I still new how lucky I was. However, I was still upset he was a boy. Just like I was upset when DD spoilt my boy gang.

The point is, they were both passing emotional responses about children who would not exist (ie mythical girl and then mythical boy) and had no impact on what I felt for the actual child.

SoupDragon Fri 12-Jul-13 12:56:40

Gender disappointment is only an issue when it carries on once the baby is born.

SadPander Fri 12-Jul-13 13:34:20

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I'm hoping for a boy myself (1st baby) and if at the scan it turns out to be a girl i think it will take some getting used to. However, I will get used to it and I'm sure I will be thrilled provided I have a happy, healthy baby. Perhaps you just need some time to imagine this baby as a boy and get used to the idea?

As others have said there was always a 50% chance this baby would be a boy, not very helpful to point out i know, but you can't have not considered that this might happen!

ch1134 Fri 12-Jul-13 14:29:28

I am from a family of girls and always imagined that I wanted a big family with at least one girl, because I wanted to one day have a teenaged daughter... but the minute I found out I was pregnant (with no.1 now)I felt differently. I felt overwhelmingly that I didn't want to find out the gender as it just didn't matter. This baby is a person and will be who it is, and love who it loves. I don't care if my baby is a boy, girl, straight, gay, and whatever they enjoy doing, or whatever path they want to follow, I intend to encourage them...

I'm not sure how finding out the gender in advance of birth is helpful, and as a girl from a family of girls, gender stereotyping does annoy me. Girls are still at a disadvantage globally and considered the weaker sex... I don't think it helps to think of them as 'precious'. I would hope, if I have a girl, that as she grows up she does not feel pressured to wear make-up and shave off all her natural body hair... and that if she wants to go into politics or mechanics, she feels she can... but she wants to do things which I currently feel aren't quite right, I guess I'll just have to let her be herself...

TobyLerone Fri 12-Jul-13 14:30:00

This is why I don't want to find out what this baby is before it's born. I have a slight preference for a boy, and I would hate for any part of its life to be tainted by my disappointment (however slight and fleeting) if it were a girl.

Nobody feels disappointment at the birth of a healthy newborn, so whatever it is we will only feel joy.

There was a ridiculous woman at a scan I had recently, who came out of the scan room and burst into loud tears in the waiting room. Her DH was comforting her and everyone waiting was shuffling around awkwardly, as she'd clearly had some bad news. She was inconsolable to the point where she told her DH he had to wait for her notes/the photo while she waited outside. It turned out it was because she was having a boy and she'd 'had her heart set' on a girl hmm
I felt so sorry for her DH, who just kept reminding her that the baby was perfect and healthy. He was clearly thrilled. She was totally spoiling it for him, and also for herself. She'll never be able to get that time back sad

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 12-Jul-13 14:46:41

Toby are you pregnant? Congrats! smile

TobyLerone Fri 12-Jul-13 14:47:34

Yep. I've kept it pretty quiet so far, except for on this board! Thank you grin

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 12-Jul-13 14:48:06


EldritchCleavage Fri 12-Jul-13 14:59:50

Yay, Toby, congratulations!

crazyhead Fri 12-Jul-13 17:20:47

I found out a few weeks ago I was expecting my second boy and felt similarly upset, but I do feel the feelings are calming down a little and I expect they will for you. I was quite surprised at my reaction, I hadn't been thinking about gender. But I can now see that I've always carried an idea of a daughter around with me, and basically, that won't happen now.

I think that imagining having a child of the same sex as you can be tied up with all sorts of things, including in a way with imagining seeing yourself go through life again. It is quite complex - I have never, ever been a girly girl so for me I don't think it is tied up much with gender assumptions exactly.

I don't think you should feel guilty about feeling sad, I think you should let yourself grieve it. I don't think anyone on this thread or in your real life has a right to comment on what you should or shouldn't grieve. All sorts of assumptions about your life - the man you thought you'd land up with, what job you thought you'd do, how long you thought you'd have your parents around, can confound you and knock you for six. It's fair enough to find it hard when your deep-held ideas of the life you thought you'd have basically turn out not to be the case. Feel as sad as you want and don't worry about some meta guilt, let your sub conscious do the processing.

The only thing it's worth remembering in my view is that often the stuff that turned out to make you happiest in life isn't the stuff you thought you'd needed, and conversely sometimes the stuff you thought you really wanted doesn't work at all. Whatever your reaction means, I don't think it will predict your happiness or relationship with your son xxx

EldritchCleavage Sat 13-Jul-13 07:15:45

That's a lovely post, crazy.

BoyMeetsWorld Sat 13-Jul-13 08:08:18

Thank you so much crazy, that really is a lovely post. It's great to hear you're feeling better about it - I'm already feeling a little bit more accepting this morning - and your point that it's often not what you expect to make you happiest in life which does is wonderful. Thank you x

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Sat 13-Jul-13 08:17:50

Great post crazy

I experienced gender disappointment at the 20 week scan with dd. I wanted boys, I am a bit of a Tom boy and have no time at all for shopping or pink stuff. I cried the day I found out she was a girl but I did rapidly get my head round it, I am sure you will too.

sleepywombat Sat 13-Jul-13 08:44:07

I felt the same when I found out ds2 was just that. Will no doubt have a little disappointment when I find out this one is ds3 (only 11 weeks, but pregnancy exactly the same as the last two so pretty sure), especially is he is definitely our last.

However, what people say about you falling in love is completely true. You will. I thought I could never love anybody as much as I did ds1 and guess what, my love just doubled when ds2 arrived! I guess that's why I'm not so worried about ds3, because I know I will love him!

I will always have a small sadness that I never had a girl, but there are plenty of things in life that didn't turn out he way I wanted/expected & I guess I just have to deal with that, same as everybody else.

Although I disagree a little with the mumsnet thing about boys and girls being exactly the same & gender being all a societal construction (it probably is for the most part, but there are other differences caused by hormone levels etc & of course it is nigh on impossible to escape our gendered society), the threads about gender selection/disappointment on here have really helped me pull myself together.

It is silly to be disappointed. Children are who they are. My boys are the most wonderful things in my life.

I don't mean to sound harsh, as I completely emphasise with you and some of it is probably due to pregnancy hormones, but seriously, stop worrying & get ready to love another beautiful boy!

eightytwenty Sat 13-Jul-13 08:53:30

Great post crazy.

I had many tears after I found out ds2 was a boy at the scan. Part of me wishes I hadn't found out though as the birth was so much better than first time round. He didn't cry and just looked round taking in his new world. It was very magical and I think the joy of that may well have undone any gender disappointment.

When I got pregnant again 4 years later I was totally accepting of the fact that dc3 would probably be another boy and decided not to find out at the scan. In fact it was a girl but I didn't feel in anyway relieved. I think this was because my then I wouldn't have swapped either of my boys. They are so differently delightful and gorgeous that had dc3 been another boy, it would have been another character altogether.

wordyBird Sat 13-Jul-13 09:32:23

OP, I also wondered if there was a more to this than gender disappointment.
You mentioned a messy house, and sounded very sad and frustrated about it. Also, that you wouldn't have chosen to have a baby in any way, shape or form ( an emphatic expression). You mentioned divorce/disappointed husband/have child anyway as your three options. That sounds hard.

It seems sad, too, that you're not having your way about the child's name at present.

So I wondered if a one-off counselling session would help. So you could look at these complex feelings in a safe place - rather than try to get over them, change them, whatever. I feel as if your wishes and your voice need to be heard, somewhere.

workingonitagain Sat 13-Jul-13 21:40:24

I remember when we found out our second is going to be a boy I felt bad as although I never said it, deep down I think I was hoping for a girl only because I though by having another boy, he was going to be the same and was hoping for a different experience
but it is so not! my ds2 is so much more affectionate and has great empathy even at his age and it's so wonderful to see what different personalities they are becoming and very exciting at the same time. You will probably have to find this out for yourself to realise this. Good luck to you and enjoy x

I'm infertile. I'm grieving for the child I'm never going to have. Full stop.
You need to look at what you will have 2 lovely children. Yes you wont have a girl but you will have cuddled and love and hugs and baking and art and picking flowers etc. Just like I will eventually have children but will just have missed the birth and early months/years.
It's shit, its not what you ideally want. But you have to make the best out of it. X

babylove789 Sat 13-Jul-13 23:20:09

you should unconditionally love any child you are blessed enough to have. Think of those who don't have the chance/opportunity to have any children and how you yourself are extreamly lucky to have any gender child you are given

DaveMccave Sun 14-Jul-13 01:57:06

I'm 5 weeks till due date and didn't find out the sex. I was desperate for a boy when I had my dd (also has a different father) 6 years ago. I didn't find out this time because I knew I'd be disappointed with a girl, and I remember we'll the guilt
That comes with gender disappointment. I hoped if I do have another girl then when she is just born I'll just be happy to have my baby.

I told everyone this time I really don't mind, but I'd slightly prefer a boy. This was a lie and I've been very anxious about having a girl and terrified I'll struggle to bond.

Something's changed in the last few weeks though. I had a dream I had a girl, she was beautiful, looked like my dp, had some of his features that dd doesnt have and it just felt totally right. Now I really don't mind because I've built on positive imaginations, what the poster said about imagination v will power is very true.

I've explored why I wanted a boy so much. (Very poor childhood relationship with mother and sister, strong with brothers and father. I've never been at all girly myself) and also because I clash strongly with my dd. I love her but I don't relate to her well. I am shy and not girly. She is very confident, very strong willed girly girl who has a lot of personality features of her father who was abusive to me. This dream I had of my potential daughter made me realise there is no way I will have another daughter exactly the same. It would actually be really interesting to have another girl and see the similarities/differences with her sister.

It's taken me nearly all pregnancy but I really don't mind now. I didn't think I'd get to this point. I hope you get there too.

Skashow11 Sun 14-Jul-13 06:42:42

Im 26 weeks with son #2 and im going through the same kinds of emotions. I'll briefly explain; i have 2 girls aged 7&8 with an ex, i met and married my hubby who has 2 boys with an ex, he has full custody. He never made a secret of the fact he always longed for a daughter even going as far as picking a name out! We had our 1st son whos now 3 and things were really good, we decided 5 children between us were enough! Now im unexpectedly expecting again with another boy and he couldn't be less interested! Im hoping it will change when he holds his forth son but im really not too sure. All i know is i love my son just the same as my other children and i wouldnt change them for the world!! Just goes to show its not just women who experience gender disappointment.
Chin up,things will get better!!

BoyMeetsWorld Sun 14-Jul-13 06:51:47

Thanks again everyone. I am definitely feeling a little better. Really want to start 'doing' things to help me bond with this baby now - like getting on with the nursery but DH is away today to help shift furniture. I do think if we could get the name issue sorted i'd feel better too so I can start talking to him as a named person, not just 'it'. We had a girls name all picked out but simply can't agree for a boy.

He's quiet though - even though the scan showed all totally fine, I rarely feel him move. & I was thinking yesterday "please stay, I do want you" so that's good...not that I ever really doubted I want him now he's here, just that in my 'ideal' world things would be a bit different x

For those who've been through this and got over it - does there come a point that seeing others with little girls / looking at all the lovely clothes and things for girls stops hurting so much?

May09Bump Sun 14-Jul-13 06:55:32

sorry really don't get this level of disappointment - I understand your wish for a girl, but the girl may not be the girl you wanted anyway in personality etc.

I was upset that my little one had a birthmark on his face (I didn't care), but knew would face medical treatment, possible bullying etc until we walked through great ormand street hospital - I have never felt so humbled in light of what other children face.

Count your blessings and move on, maybe look at other avenues of having that female contact.

WinkyWinkola Sun 14-Jul-13 07:10:44

Boymeetsworld,it isn't about not wanting your baby boy.

I still get pangs when I see all the beautiful girls clothes because my dd will not wear anything like girls stuff. She wears her brothers clothes.

So I dress my lot very brightly coloured cheerful stuff.

Willabywallaby Sun 14-Jul-13 07:10:57

Sorry I've not read all the posts, but I think your reaction to knowing makes me think it's best not to find out.

I have 2 boys, my second birth was unplanned homebirth with me feeling underneath to 'see' what we had while DH let the midwife in. I felt a bit 'ah, I thought I'd get another boy', but in no way disappointed because he was in my arms safe and well.

I hope your feelings of disappointment reduce and you enjoy your newborn cuddles when he arrives.

Cravingdairy Sun 14-Jul-13 07:16:14

It's healthy to express your feelings and it can be hard to do that in real life so I'm glad you feel a bit better OP. To those who rush to judgment - have you never had an emotion you weren't proud of?

Wuxiapian Sun 14-Jul-13 07:26:53

Be grateful for what you have!

sheeplikessleep Sun 14-Jul-13 07:31:04

Just to say we are expecting ds3 and felt similar at 20 week scan. I guess I envisaged always having a daughter at some point, I grew up with two sisters and just 'get' girls more. However, time really does help. I am due in a few weeks and cannot wait for my third and final little boy. I think it just takes time to get your head around a new family structure. If my new baby boy is as gorgeous and scrumptious as my first two, I feel so lucky and blessed.
i just wanted to say that time does change feelings. Don't be hard on yourself. Maybe you will always have a little yearning to have had a daughter, but I bet in time, you wouldn't change that little boy growing inside you for the world.
the time i knew i was over it, was when someone said 'what a shame' when they found out my dc3 was a boy. I felt so protective and defensive towards him and this lioness anger at this woman. How dare she show disappointment at my baby inside me. I didn't, but i felt this primal urge to push her to the ground!!
congrats by the way

Tiredemma Sun 14-Jul-13 07:39:50

I totally understand your point OP.

I had DS1 in september 2000- Found out I was PG with DS2 when he was two years old. Secretly hoped for a Girl- but found out at 20 week scan that I was expecting another boy. Accepting of this and happy overall that I was having another healthy baby.
DS2 born in July 2003-

DS1 is the advert for any sporting boy/child- naturally gifted in sports.
DS2 should have been born a girl- not interested in sports, has no friends who are boys- obsessed with dolls/hair etc. Like to come shopping with me and is a great little 'stylist'!

So the girl I secretly hoped for is strangely within DS2 (the things I imagined a little girl doing that was different to DS1)

DS1 and DP will go off every weekend to Rugby or Cricket- Ds2 and I will go shopping and visit elderly aunts and grandmothers where he gets to hemp them sort out their jewellery hmm

So ill have a DS1 13 complete 'boy'
DS2 10 boy only by word - very much 'girly'

DC3 is a girl........ and I bet she will be tomboy.....

eightytwenty Sun 14-Jul-13 08:39:52

Boy - I did cry when my niece was born when ds2 was born, not very nice I know. But when my brother announced after the 20 week scan that they were having a girl (who is 6 weeks older than dd1), I didn't feel upset at all. So yes the feelings did change and get easier for me.

Tired - your ds1&2 sound the exact reverse of mine. Ds1 came with me to visit an elderly family friend in hospital yesterday because he wanted to! He definitely isn't a traditional boy.

Robotindisguise Sun 14-Jul-13 09:50:13

I was thinking about this thread yesterday. Pre-children - before even meeting DH - I wanted a baby very much and even had a very strong mental image of what she (and it was a she) would look like. So when I was pregnant with DD1 I did want a girl. But of course when she came out she looked nothing like the baby I'd thought of all those years! And it was easy to laugh at myself and move on - but I wonder if I'd had boys rather than girls whether I'd be able to have let go of my "dream baby" so easily...

lovemybabyboy Sun 14-Jul-13 12:03:04

I am currently 39+2wks pregnant with DS3!! I would have loved to have a girl, to do all the girly things with, do her hair, dress her up in pretty dresses etc. BUT I am so looking forward to my DS3 being born, he is going to fit right in and I love my two boys so much, can't imagine not having either of them in place for a girl. I love sitting on the couch watching my boys playing rough and tumble with their daddy, that is the best!
The thing that annoys me is everyone assuming that I must be disappointed to be having another boy!! I mean yes I would have liked to have a girl but in no way am I disappointed to be having another boy! He is healthy and that is all that matters! I am so in love with him already and have not even met him yet. I hate telling people that I am having another boy because the only reaction I ever get is "Awww, did you want a girl?" Like said in a disappointed, feeling sorry for me kind of way!!! I always say no I didn't want a girl! grin

Writerwannabe83 Sun 14-Jul-13 13:00:53

Me and my partner haven't even got pregnant yet and I worry about things like this.

I would never want to find out the sex at the 20 week scan because I love the whole excitement of the surprise element, but my hubby has said he'd love to know.

When we do get pregnant (soon hopefully) he has made it quite clear he would like a boy. He told me that if we had a boy he would be happy to have just the one child, but if we had a girl he would want to try again to see if we could get a boy.

I think this is another reason I wouldn't want to find out at the scan - I would be heartbroken if the sonographer said it was a girl because all I would be thinking is, "I bet my husband is disappointed, what if he doesn't love her?" However, if we don't find out the sex and then I give birth to a girl I know that he will be full of so much love and happiness that he won't care what sex the baby is.

I have four girls, and i am 15wks pregnant with no5, but all i care about right now is that my child will be healthy and happy.
I'm fed up with comments from people already assuming we got pregnant just to concieve a boy and it drives me nuts.

1 out of 4 of my girls is a tomboy who likes to climb trees, wear boys clothes, watch football and get covered in mud so it doesn't matter what sex you prefer your child may be feminine or masuculine whether male or female. Babies are babies and even if you got the sex you wanted once out of babyhood you will not be able to stereotype them in to girlie girl or macho boy so be happy with what you have and that they are healthy.

Alot of mothers only hope is for a healthy child, put things into perspective and just be happy you have a healthy baby and embrace what you have!

workingonitagain Sun 14-Jul-13 14:24:51

lovemybabyboy i completely agree with you. im pregnant with dc3 and its very looks like its another boy but i got to the stage where id rather say we don't know what we are having as it gets so boring and upsetting having to explain that i am ok with it and no im not gutted smile never mind we know how we feel and its nobody elses business smile

figroenewald Fri 24-Jan-14 14:15:13

Please see my thread under the Media Section, I'm researching Gender Disappointment to raise awareness of it and would love to talk to you.

siblingrevelry Fri 24-Jan-14 14:32:50

Surely if you're saying you originally hadn't wanted to have another child you wouldn't have ever had a daughter anyway-this way, your new little boy is a bonus?

Fishandjam Fri 24-Jan-14 14:47:17

Look on the bright side OP. For many years, you will have a household where all the other occupants are totally in love with you. Mothers of daughters usually have a phase where their daughters have eyes only for their dad.

greentshirt Fri 24-Jan-14 14:51:33

This is another really old thread, check the dates everyone!!!

Fishandjam Fri 24-Jan-14 14:52:50

Oh arse...

PenguinsDontEatKale Fri 24-Jan-14 15:39:45

Though if the OP is still around, it would be interesting to know how she feels now her baby is here. Might be helpful for people OP?

IrnBruTheNoo Fri 24-Jan-14 19:08:06

"I can't get excited about boy games, toys"

Really? They're much better than girls toys, and such a variety to play with IMO/IME. I cannot see anything exciting about Barbie dolls or Lelly Kelly shoes, sorry.

Inglori0us Fri 24-Jan-14 19:28:05

I know exactly how you feel. Ignore those saying you shouldn't have got pregnant again, it's a stupid and heartless thing to say. You never really know how you will feel until you're faced with the facts and the emotions they generate.
I'm expecting a ds, and I really wanted another dd. I've accepted it now and I never doubted I'd adore this little boy, but I felt sad for what I perceived i'd "lost".
I always imagined having "my girls" for example, and I have all dd's clothes in the loft which will never be worn by another dd of mine. I found it heartbreaking for a while and I was consumed by guilt. I cried after my gender scan, and on an off in private for a week or 2 after. We've struggled to think of boys names too.
Having a son seems so unknown to me, but now he's nearly here I can't wait to meet him.
You will feel better. It will just take a little bit of time.

Doobydoo Fri 24-Jan-14 19:37:02

I have 2 sons..one of 14 the other 6...they are fab!!
My first child a daughter died.
The only thing I find is that as I have never been a boy...don't always know how they tick...they are my children....Love 'em!

Howly Sat 25-Jan-14 09:15:20

I hate shopping, love geology and geography, getting outdoors and messing around in the mud!! My younger brother hates getting dirty, loves shopping and fashion and will watch all the girls tv when he visits my mum! My dad always says we were born the wrong way round but wouldn't have it any other way!! I'm now 14 weeks pg with 1st baby, And husband is dying for a boy to watch the footy with (a little mini him) I don't care as long as its a healthy little bundle!!

In our family we have such a mix of children and none stick to stereotypes!!

A friend of mine also has a very independent little girl and a clinging little mummies boy who just wants to be hugged and cwtch down with mum all the time ... So you never know what character your lovely little boy #2 is going to be!

Wuxiapian Sat 25-Jan-14 09:20:31

I hope the OP managed to pull herself together and is enjoying her son.

"all the trains and cars and fighting figures all over my pretty little house drive me insane. I'm not the sporty type, don't want to be getting dirty and play fighting. They mess everywhere up and don't care, make the toilets smelly, hate shopping and couldn't care less about watching any girly programmes or having pamper time."

I know loads of guys who love watching the Kardashians with a fot spa. I'm not kidding, and some are gay and some are not. They're just people who like those things.
What if you had a girl who messed up everywhere and didn't care, made the toilets smelly and hated shopping? Would she be condemned to a life of never being quite the daughter her mother wanted??

Right now, you are carrying a person and you have to wait and see if they are interested in the same things as you or not, regardless of gender

LH1981 Sat 25-Jan-14 20:33:30

I understand completely boymeetsworld, I'm currently very early in my 3rd (and last) pregnancy.

I have two amazing boys. At first, we were only planning on 2 children. When I found out that my second was another boy, I was a little disappointed, but not for long and now I couldn't imagine it any other way. They are so close and just fab fab fab.

But, I want my little girl. To deny it would be to lie to myself. Of course, when I find out the gender (which I will if poss), if I'm having another boy, I will love that little boy as fiercely as my other two. But, I will have a cry for a while before he's born, for the little girl I won't have.

I will be thinking of the adult mother-daughter relationship that will never be, planning her wedding together, my dh giving her away, being there for her when she has her own children etc etc. The relationship with grown-up boys is different. Of course these things are all abstract concepts that may have never happened anyway. Not all mothers and daughters are close, not all daughters will want to get married or have children etc, but it's the dream that I'll be grieving for - however briefly.

1944girl Sun 26-Jan-14 20:35:07

I know this is an old thread. I don't come onto this board often as I am now a grandmother. This thread caught my eye so I hope you don't mind me dropping in.

I am often on the childbirth threads about C-sections as I had no one to talk to when I had mine.I will not go into all the details on here as they are irrevelant to this thread but I will just say that I had to make my second child my last baby on medical advice.
When I was pregnant there were no gender scans, in fact there were no scans at all.Result was you did not know what you were having until baby arrived.My first baby was a boy, and I was overjoyed because I had a live, healthy baby which nearly was not the case.When I got pregnant with my second I knew this would most likely have to be the last.I thought that it would be nice to have a girl this time but I was more concerned with a happy outcome.I also had the tubal tie done during the birth.
When I woke from the GA I was so thankful I had survived, then one of the nurses told me I had had a baby boy.I said ''Is he alright?''answer was yes.
Then I was told my tubes had been tied so I would not have to go through this again.
I was slightly dissapointed about not having a girl, as I knew this was my final child.I consoled myself with the fact he was a normal healthy baby although I had yet to see him at that point. I was introduced to my second son two days later, he had been in SCBU which was usual in those days for babies born by C-section.He looked like a skinned rabbit but to me he was the most beautiful baby in the world.
What really upset me was the remarks made by other people especially when they found out I had had my tubes tied. what a shame you did not get a girl this time since now you can have no more.My MIL even reminded me that by having the tubal tie I had commited a mortal sin in the Catholic church so there was no hope for my salvation!.Imagine that on top of gender dissapointment.
Girls dominate on my side of the family.I am one of four daughters, we only have one brother.My mother doted on him as he was the only boy.
Only one of my sisters had a son, all the others had girls.I got over my girl dissapointment by buying lots of girly stuff for my nieces.I adored my two boys.Being the only female in the house set me apart and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Then DS2 grew up and his girlfriend became pregnant.They got married and lo and behold the baby was a girl.DH and were over the moon.DH had also longed for a daughter,We now had a beautiful grandaughter to spoil and I had a whale of a time buying her lovely little dresses and having my girly bonding dreams.DS2 and his wife had two more children, both girls again.Everything I had missed was now being fulfilled as regards girls.God did not send me any daughters, but gave me beautiful grandaughters instead. DS2 gave me two more grandchildren, by wife 2.A boy followed by another girl.
My third grandaughter lives with me.Reasons why I am not going into in detail except to say she and her mother were having problems.She is 17 now.She is, I am sad to say, addicted to drugs.A one time premature baby who had to fight for her life at birth.A very beautiful looking girl who is now trying to overcome her addiction.Life is not easy with her.
You never know how your children are going to turn out, regardless of gender.They are not little dolls to dress up, they grow up.Although some daughters remain girly girls and are their mother's best friends etc. this is not always the case.I have been sharply reminded of this fact.
Sorry to harp on.
OP I hope you have now got your lovely little boy.I know you love him.

user4111 Mon 27-Jan-14 11:57:32

I know this thread is old, but if anyone reading it would like to help with my research into Gender Disappointment (hearing the voices of mothers struggling with it), please see my thread under Media Requests. Many thanks

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