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Being 'mean' to your husband during pregnancy and a bit emotional?

(37 Posts)
Bejeena Thu 13-Jun-13 11:13:27

OK so I am wondering if this is happening to anyone else. Of course in an ideal world I'd love to think that everyone will tell me that my husband is being an @rse and I am totally normal, but I am a realist and I know that he is a fabulous man, I wouldn't have married him otherwise.

I am 30 weeks pregnant. Oh and I don't think it helps that he doesn't believe in or understand hormones, probably thinks women make it up (but oh god help us if I try to speak to him after he has had a hard day at work and is tired!)

I sometimes feel like I am constantly apologising to my husband for biting his head off about something that is meaningless because I am just annoyed that he doesn't do things around the house, or rather he doesn't do things around the house immediately. I am not talking about picking up after himself, he does that no problem, but more about sort of 'shared' household things.

Like for example on Sunday night he got some washing in that was dry and put the basket of folded stuff on floor next to table. We don't iron so this stuff was just to be put away and consisted mainly of bedding but also a few clothing items belonging to each of us, him more than me. This morning I kind of lost my box because it was still there and he hadn't actually thought to put it away (I just wanted to see how long it would be until he realised hence didn't put away myself, plus he says he doesn't want me straining and putting bedding away means bending down as we have underbed storage for it). This morning I was also annoyed because he went to empty the dishwasher just as I was about to make my breakfast and there is only space for 1 in the kitchen and I was just mad that he hadn't done this last night. It is a bit like everything has to be done when it is convenient for him!

Then I am sad that I just don't feel he shows much love or treats me like I would like. Like sometimes I'd like a cup of tea in bed or something on the weekend, but he sleeps so late (until 12) that I just have to blooming well get up and make it myself. This goes on to another incident on Sunday morning when I was opening the shutter in bedroom at about 10:00am I managed to whack myself in the chin with the shutter handle it was really painful so I screeched out a load 'Oww' to which he woke up and asked what was wrong. I was so annoyed about the prospect of spending yet another Sunday morning alone while he sleeps that I just replied shorty 'I've banged myself in the chin that is all, nothing with the baby' and he just went back to sleep. I got myself some ice and felt sorry for myself and still have a big bruise :-(

I know a lot of this is silly and me just being over the top and pregnant but I was wondering if anyone else was the same? I feel like I am constantly being horrible to him and that my needs are pointless.

Oh and catching up on Corrie last night didn't help either, David bought Kylie the pregnancy pillow as she was having trouble sleeping and Marcus bought Maria the necklace. He wouldn't think to do anything like that, not that I am expecting him to buy me stuff at all but sometimes just the little thought would be nice like a little bunch of flowers or pack of maltesers or something just so that I knew he cared. Instead I just get mad at him for silly reasons which upsets me and then I go out and get him a little treat to say sorry or to cheer him up and say thanks for putting up with me (I am not talking a major pressie here, just like a chocolate bar or something)!

Please someone else tell me they are also acting silly like this and that we are both completely normal!

HoleyGhost Thu 13-Jun-13 11:34:15

I am behaving like this and have been thinking about why. Pregnancy is a vulnerable time, we are tired have a lot to deal with emotionally. I am going to stop apologising more than once for snapping etc and I am going to take up meditation to help get myself on an even keel. I am going to make a real effort to speak more respectfully to my DH & I am going to ask him to read some pregnancy book (not sure what though).

fatandlumpy Thu 13-Jun-13 11:38:06

My OH farted next to me when I was watching the Big Bang theory and made me cry... I mean, seriously cry - huge howling sobs of rage. I was 31 weeks pregnant.

Later on that day he set me off again my picking his nose during SG1....

I went up to bed early and refused to speak to him for the rest of the night I also made him grovel when he came to bed by refusing to 'forgive'-snuggle' until he specifically apologised for farting and nasal exploration.

... we haven't talked about that night since.

HelgatheHairy Thu 13-Jun-13 11:50:41

I nearly started crying 2 nights ago cause I was taking the dog out to pee and he wouldn't find me a hoodie. Just kept saying I had it last. I still haven't quite forgiven him!!

Mostly he just sighs or laughs at me when I start crying, he says he's not pandering to my hormones!

knittingirl Thu 13-Jun-13 12:11:06

I sympathise, I really do, I started crying yesterday because my Mum came round and offered to do some ironing. Apparently this was worth sobbing over.

On a more practical note, and I'm sure you are aware of this, none of the things that you describe your OH as doing/not doing sound like him being mean, and I'm guessing that your not pregnant self wouldn't get worked up about them - he doesn't understand your changing hormones so won't understand if you suddenly burst into tears over a washing basket when it wouldn't have happened before. His body isn't changing massively, he doesn't have the hormones, so is carrying on quite happily as he always has without realising that he needs to adapt to your changing needs (especially as you get bigger and tireder the needs get physical as well as emotional).

I'm 29+5 so almost at the same point as you and I've found the best thing to do is just to ask. Don't assume your OH will put the washing away, just say "I'm really tired tonight, would you mind doing that?", either make the most of your Sat mornings to have a looooooooong uninterrupted bath, or speak to him the night before and say it's really affecting you him staying in bed all morning and you'd love to have his company. If you want a pregnancy pillow, then either get one or sit down with him and explain how it would help you and how much it would mean to you.

Our poor men aren't psychic, and haven't ever been (nor ever will be!) pregnant, so they won't know how we're feeling unless we tell them, and preferably tell them calmly and not while throwing a hissy fit because he put too much milk in a cup of tea (experience talking...).

Bottom line is... you are a normal pregnant lady!

knittingirl Thu 13-Jun-13 12:22:28

Oh, and if he doesn't get why you just want to spend all day sleeping on the sofa, get a rucksack and fill it with 2 stone of rocks, then tell him he's got to wear it for a week without taking it off (even at night). That might help grin

ByTheWishingWell Thu 13-Jun-13 13:04:49

Also 30 weeks, and I'm glad this isn't just me!

There's been quite a few days that I've sent my DP off to work with a cuddle and a kiss, for him to come back 12 hours later to find me glaring at him. The poor man has no idea what he's even done, although his crimes have been as varied as not rinsing his toothbrush, leaving breadcrumbs on the kitchen counter, leaving a tap running, not emptying the washing machine, using too many teacups....the list is endless.

I was quite convinced that he is useless and irritating unless I noticed how wary he was looking when he walked in, and realised that I would never have got wound up about any of these things before I was pregnant. We've since decided that my Evil Twin emerges at night, and he'll text on the way back from work to find out which twin he's coming home to. I've found joking about it with him has really helped. It also let me tell him the things that were really bugging me in a lighthearted way, without having a go at him.

Be honest with your DH about it- if there's particular things he does that really wind you up, tell him and ask if he'll make an effort on these points while you're pregnant and hormonal. It also wouldn't do any harm to tell him that bringing you the occasional chocolate bar would cheer you up, and so make his life easier.

Bit of a ramble, sorry...but yes, you are entirely normal! grin

lauracutee Thu 13-Jun-13 15:58:28

Watching my husband eat corn on the cob and hearing him chew his food have made me storm out of the room recently (I'm 32 weeks). My poor DH!

muddybloodypuddles Thu 13-Jun-13 16:13:50

sounds like you're feeling neglected - you need to speak openly to him, don't let him dismiss your feelings as just 'hormones', that may be some of it but the rest is that you do feel more vulnerable when pg and feel like you need someone you can depend on.
Also - I hope he realises his habit of sleeping in til 12 will have to change soon?? I'm not sure how people can lay in that long, that's nearly half the day gone and when you only have 2 days off a week it seems a shame to spend a large quantity of it sleeping.. Just my opinion wink

muddybloodypuddles Thu 13-Jun-13 16:20:08

I am also 32 weeks with major placenta Previa so dh has had to pull his weight more and I've had to learn to ask for things to be done, which he's quite happy to do (most of the time) but sitting round in the hope he'll 'think about himself' gets be almost nowhere lol.

Bejeena Thu 13-Jun-13 17:10:12

Thanks everyone, it is a relief to know I am a bit normal. I will try and make things clearer to him. In fairness if I give him a list or spreadsheet he does do everything I ask, but with simple tasks like putting laundry away I wish I didn't have to ask!

He won't dismiss my feelings as 'hormones', he doesn't believe in them. He just sees it as me being needy and will say I was like it pre pregnancy as well (ok I might have been a bit but other friends getting flowers and being waited on hand and foot by their husbands does make me feel like a desperate housewife sometimes!)

Also - I hope he realises his habit of sleeping in til 12 will have to change soon?? I'm not sure how people can lay in that long, that's nearly half the day gone and when you only have 2 days off a week it seems a shame to spend a large quantity of it sleeping.. Just my opinion

I am totally with you on that one, I most certainly hope that he realises it too. We have kind of agreed that once baby is older we will take turns having a lie in on weekends but I do hope he realises that my idea of a lie in is until say 9 when we are post child. His sleeping is a whole different, ongoing issue, he just doesn't do mornings. But I have made it very clear to him that he is going to have to. He still lives in the cloud cuckooland that we just put kids to bed later and they'll get up later, apparently he never got up early as a child. Well he'll soon learn I think!

ladymalfoy Thu 13-Jun-13 18:08:33

Wish mine would stop slurping his tea and banging mug on the glass table. Like he fucking is now. I'm having to have a wee so I won't stab him or smash the mug over his head. If he starts his finger sucking I will not be held responsible for my actions.

Fairy130389 Thu 13-Jun-13 18:45:23

I have told dh that if I have to fold the hand towel in the bathroom ONE more FUCKING time because he messed it up for the THIRD time today, I will divorce him. I've also become irrational about him not opening the living room curtains in the mornings. I mean really, we do not live in a crack den, how fucking hard it?!

Fatandlumpy - just lolled at the fart story - did the same when dh gassed me out - never mind that he has had 9months of delightful pregnancy wind to cope with!

ladymalfoy Thu 13-Jun-13 19:12:35

I'm on a roll now! Date for scan next weds. Emailed him. We breezed in and didn't mention it. However I didn't put the lid back on the chillies properly so they almost spilled when he got them out. He can have ago at me about that,oh yes. Remind me how it irritates him but he won't mention the scan. So I've slunk off to bed to leave him to his new hd TV. He doesn't know I'm angry or upset. Or that I'm upstairs it seems. But I know I'm fuming with the fucker so that's all that matters. Oh yes. That's preggo logic. I win.

fatandlumpy Thu 13-Jun-13 19:47:02

Mine has just had his fucking digit rummaging around his fucking nostril AGAIN... WTactualF is he looking for up there? has he lost a brain cell - is the remaining one feeling lonely?

Fairy - I feel your solidarity

Ladymalfoy - stay strong... don't go back down there and stand in front of him yelling how much he's upset you (like I usually end up doing after 15 mins of solitary fuming). You could try knocking some heavy items onto to the floor to get his attention....

Bejeena Thu 13-Jun-13 20:02:41

Keep them coming ladies, just for my sanity grin

I gave up on the curtains long ago he just doesn't get their purpose I have seen him leave them closed and switch light on to see and then also leave them open but sit right on the edge of sofa in dressing gown as he doesn't want people to see him! I don't understand why it is so hard.

ladymalfoy Thu 13-Jun-13 20:04:00

fal that sounds like a damn fine plan. I've already noisily been for a wee. I mean slamming door and toilet lid not that me wee was loud iykwim?

Jollyb Thu 13-Jun-13 20:43:17

Hi all I'm nearly 34 weeks and am currently seething at everyone in sight. My DP, my DM and even my poor little 2 year old daughter who can't do anything right at the moment. I just want to be left alone for the next 6 weeks - is that too much to ask?

ladymalfoy Thu 13-Jun-13 21:09:18

AND AND everyone who has posted on this thread should get a free massage at a Lush Spa. Because that might be the only thing that will calm us the fuck down.

Gingerandlemon Thu 13-Jun-13 23:01:58

I am loving this thread. For one, we regularly have the crack den curtain argument in our house, and for two, yesterday I said to my poor, lovely husband "shall we have fish and chips for tea one night soon?" To which he replied "maybe". I went nuts about how selfish he is and then cried for an hour or so.

I am 30 weeks and not normally such an irrational mad woman. I think.

Bejeena Thu 13-Jun-13 23:16:01

Oh my life someone save me.he has emptied the dishwasher and put 2 clean, empty tupperwares in the fridge. I am not even sure the non pregnant me would not go ballistic at this. Have bitten my tongue so far

I could have wrote that op!! Df is great and takes care of all money related things he looks after us well that way but i wish to god i could get a bunch of flowers or a bar of chocolate once in a while without asking.

I sobbed in the bedroom yesterday because i needed a pee and he was being silly going upstairs saying he needed a pee too then not going pee aaaaargh angry add to that my sense of smell is like a dogs these days and he keeps eating pickled onions and meat pasties and smelly crisps etc that he knows make me feel ill and wafting the smell/burping at me angryangry not to mention his disgusting cheesy feet that he insists on putting near me/rubbing on me oh and sitting on my knee and BLOODY FARTING!!!!

I know he is trying to cheer me up - his daftness is acceptable when not 32 weeks pregnant because i can be awful too but my god i want to rip his head off these days and have noticed i say '' my god when did you get so bloody immature'' ''give it a rest'' ''stop being so childish'' ''what us wrong with you?????'' angry

Fairy130389 Fri 14-Jun-13 07:32:07

Further developments in bathroom towel gate - this morning he used the hand towel in the downstairs bathroom FOR HIS SHOWER and then left it wet on the end of the bed.
I cried.

Living room curtains still closed, despite having pep talk last night. Apparently I'm over reacting. I'm nearly 40 weeks pregnant... I wonder if a kick to the bollocks would make him 'over react'.

Gerty1002 Fri 14-Jun-13 08:30:53

I'd like to join this club... 29 weeks and poor DP just isn't getting away with the stuff he used to anymore. I'm even starting to get annoyed myself about letting him get out of doing things for so long!

But he does things if I ask (sometimes wih a little huffing and puffing, especially if I'm having to ask a second time) and he's really thoughtful in a lot of other ways.

We've both been tired and snappy lately, it's important just to try and let these little tiffs go... we made a deal to never to go to sleep mad at each other.

fatandlumpy Fri 14-Jun-13 09:03:39

Fairy - I actually lol'ed at the kicking of the bollocks thing.

... and I'm so with Gerty about getting annoyed at yourself for being so tolerant and forgiving in the past. The horrible truth is - my Mum used to have these mini' 'go's at me for being soft on the OH, but now she's laughing her arse off as I'm constantly on the phone whinging.

I mean -he's a good man. In fact he's one of the best men I've ever met - i just don't understand what's so God Damn fascinating about the contents of his nostrils. At EVERY opportunity now... in the car, in the bath, when he's watching TV. I'm not sure if I'm hypersensitive to it - and I'm even less sure how I managed to filter out the nasal explorative frenzy. It's not just the fact he has a finger up it all the sodding time - it's the unbridled, joyful enthusiasm with which the exercise is conducted. It's a whole freaking body workout. I actually once just looked at him digging away for a full couple of minutes before he noticed the expression on my face.

Minger.

Anyway - Ladies - I'm not sure if hormones make us more irrational - or just make us less forgiving. All I know is that I love mine. Despite the odd smell and the disappearing digit tricks. I could happily stove his head with a half-brick in a sock on occasion but I do love him.

muddybloodypuddles Fri 14-Jun-13 09:53:39

I'm with you on the nose picking but now I've got DS doing it too (wonder where he gets that from hmm )
We had a little chat last night about talking to each other and treating each other with 'respect' as he thinks I speak to him like a child sometimes (well if the shoe fits?!)
I was feeling quite mellow for a few weeks but looks like the short temper is back :-/ - unfortunately the cat and dog get shouted sometimes too blush - I always imagined I'd be some kind of patient and loving 'earth mother' type, apparently not! (although there's still time right?!)

purpleaura Fri 14-Jun-13 13:44:25

This is a great thread! I'm loving the towel and nostril digging updates! Im 28 wks, and here's my confession... the other night, I asked DP to pass me the TV remote, which he did, but he put it down just beyond my reach. He absolutely didn't do it on purpose, he just didn't realise that it would make me howl!! Through my sobs, I had a mini-rant about how cruel it was to do that to a pregnant woman! Poor man. He's so lovely! I noticed him taking in a deep breath (!!) but quietly enough so that i wouldn't notice too much and get annoyed at that too!!

And I'm definitely with knittinggirl- if you find yourself wishing he was doing something, just ask, then you don't get all wound up inside.

Oooh and a top tip- sign your DP up for the weekly NHS pregnancy emails. You can tell him its got loads of good tips for dads to be, which it has. But it also reminds them to make sure they are helping us out, doing more housework and explains about hormones and emotional stuff. I think its really helped him be more aware of what its like for me, without any crying or ranting on my part smile

Good luck all!

TinkyPeet Fri 14-Jun-13 14:01:55

I love this thread. It makes me feel slightly better about throwing a jug at my dh last night because his attempt at washing up wasn't good enough and the jug was on the wrong side of the drainer.
I followed this by ordering him upstairs to sweep the bathroom floor as he hasn't taken his shoes off at the foot of the stairs (where the bloody shoe basket is) and got dried mud all over after I had made the effort of carrying the vacuum upstairs (what I had forgotten to mention was I didn't actually vacuum in the end - not the point !)
Have lost count of the times I have said 'will you stop biting your disgusting nails you fucking cretin!' Over the past few months....

Health visitor came today, asked questions and gavel a leaflet on domestic abuse. To which I laughed and said 'he isn't brave enough trust me'.....got the hmm look....lol

Nellysgirl Fri 14-Jun-13 14:18:31

Oh I have been in stitches reading through your experiences. Only because I can relate to nearly every single one.
Please keep them coming.
Trying to pluck up the courage to tell you about my very unreasonable behaviour this morning. I'm quite ashamed of myself confused

Df got out of bed before me this morning .... i got really really angry at him and fumed i. Bed for 20 minutes confused i have no idea why! It's not like we have a schedule but i was so angry i wanted to cry blush

beth27123 Fri 14-Jun-13 14:27:53

oH is a pain. A total pain. Well he isn't...but he is.
I spent four hours throwing up while he sat downstairs because he 'didnt want to bother me' and then came up with a muffin and some apple juice. Well...thanks a f*cking bunch you twat. He breaths too, I have a serious issue with that.

HelgatheHairy Fri 14-Jun-13 14:35:54

I wanted to throw DH out of bed last night. It's quite humid where we live (south west Ireland but think the heat is getting to me more than normal) and I'm finding it really hard to get comfortable in bed. And DH will NOT stick to his side of the bed!! I got up to pee and when I came back into the bedroom I could see he'd shifted over and his pillow was actually on top of mine and he was lying on his stomach on most of my side of the bed!!! I shoved him over but then ended up lying there fuming for ages more!

purpleaura Fri 14-Jun-13 16:40:34

lol beth27123- i know- how dare they breathe?! isn't is incredible that an ill-timed, or over-loud breath, or (god-forbid) both can provoke such fury?! Bless 'em!

Nellysgirl- go on! Spill! We all want to hear how very unreasonable you were!

LabradorMama Fri 14-Jun-13 17:04:31

Fairy I hear ya - mine dried himself on a hand towel this morning because couldn't be arsed to get a bath sheet off the bedroom radiator. I've begged him not to do this and have taken to only having one hand towel out at a time (because he used to use all three)

He also never opens the blinds - only the door curtain (I assume because it's an easy, one hand type job) so we also look like we live in a crack den.

I really fancied a glass of juice this morning but picked up the carton out of the fridge and there was just the teensiest dribble left. I know he supped the lot from the carton and couldn't be arsed to put it in the bin

And he left the drive gates open so I had to trot out in my dressing gown to shut them before letting the dogs out

And breeeeathe ......

Jollyb Fri 14-Jun-13 18:34:39

I have the reverse . A DP who opens the curtains before I've had a

starsandstripes72 Sun 16-Jun-13 07:02:59

My dh literally cannot do ANYTHING right. The most 'annoying' thing he does at the moment is going to the shops to get me something tasty I've specifically asked for and coming back with something completely different because he thought 'i might like it instead'. Actually sobbed my eyes out last night when I begged him to get me a white chocolate magnum icecream or a twister an he comes back with this dark chocolate and caramel magnum. I detest dark chocolate!!!! Personally i think he deserved the 2 hour tantrum that followed...i still didnt get my icecream sad

Woodifer Sun 16-Jun-13 16:23:03

oh i need to show this thread to DH so he knows he is not alone!!

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